OCD sufferers make the best husbands
A study for Women! magazine has shown that OCD men make the best husbands. "Well, they do all the cleaning and tidying," said features editor, Carol Singer.
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written by
IainB, 30 August 2011
God denies he has a TIVO
God has made a rare public appearance to deny claims that he has either TiVO or Sky+. "I am all seeing. I don't need a PVR," he said. "However, I do like Sky 3D, that looks cool."
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written by
IainB, 30 August 2011
Sarah Palin: Marriage
Sarah Palin has arranged a shotgun wedding. Her 12 bore has just got hitched to her sawn off.
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written by
IainB, 30 August 2011
Old People Ain't What They Used to Be, Claim Young
The youths of today have issued a statement saying old people these days are "too cranky, spit tobacco too much, talk about the "olden days" too much, smell funny and don't have enough war stories".
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Dogs vs Cats War Intensifies
Dog soldiers have broken the Catatonic border tonight in an effort to reach the capital Kitteni. War broke out last week when the Daschundian Archduke Fido Ferdinand was assassinated in Catajevo.
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Obama Upset
President Obama has said he is upset by recent hate campaigns & thinks the crucx of the problem is due to him being black. The Republicans have since confirmed it's because he's useless.
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Biting Remark
Widow of Seychelles Shark victim Ian Redmond has said the one thing that kept her going is the knowledge that it happened at the end of the holiday & not the beginning. 'Overall I had a good time'
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Shear Luck
After impaling his eye on garden shears surgeons raced to save the eye & life of an 86 year old man. Speaking afterwards the Dr said 'I don't know why we bothered, he's 86, he could be dead next week'
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Arsene Hole
Arsene Wenger said he doesn't understand the fuss regarding Arsenal's 8-2 defeat at the hands of Man Utd. 'It's been blown out of proportion, I saw India lose by hundreads at Old Trafford' he said.
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Destiny's Child
So Beyonce announced she was pregnant live at the VMA's and what a touching moment it was. The look of overwhelming surprise on the face of Jay-Z was almost as palpable as the look of guilt on Kanye's
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Ninja patrols take over police duties in UK cities!
The UK police, totally out of their depth dealing with increasing criminality and hoodie behaviour are to be replaced by Ninja patrols with Samurai swords. If you see a floating headless body smile!
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Bedtime "fruitier" since Mable took over baked bean suppers at the Church
Parishoners at Harfold, Vermont's St. Peter's Catholic Church are complaining about a "fruitier" (stinkier) bedtime since Mable Clark took over the cooking of the Church's weekly baked bean suppers.
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written by
Lyndon, 30 August 2011
"Don't Forget About Me", Urges Donald Trump
Donald Trump has issued a statement pruporting he should be in the news more often. "I'm a really, really, really rich and handsome guy. People should talk about me!"
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Gaddaffi moving to London
In breaking news, UK Prime Minister David Cameron has granted Colonel Gaddaffi asylum in London. "I like him" said the PM "he cracks me up with his queer sense of humour". Gaddaffi will arrive today.
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Bolt is a Blot
Sprinter Eugene Bolt, disqualified from a race, has left a Blot on the whole image of athletics.
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written by
j.w., 30 August 2011
Economist's advice to would-be entrepreneurs: get a job!
Harfold State College professor Samuel Mank (B.A. Bus. Management) delivered a message in Tuesday's Econ 102 class. If you're thinking of starting a business, stop it! "Just get a real job!" he said.
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written by
Lyndon, 30 August 2011
Their Gap Is Identical
David Letterman has said he is getting the gap in his teeth fixed because he is tired of people asking him if he is related to Madonna.
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The Most Amazing Camel In The World
Scientists in Saudi Arabia say they've just cloned the world's first camel. They stated they do have a slight problem but are confident that they'll soon get the 18 humps reduced down to one or two.
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"I Wanna Buy An E"
Vanna White of the game show Wheel of Fortune, has confessed that she cannot stand the sight of vowels.
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The Tax Money From New York City Alone Will Be Quite Substantial
President Obama says he has figured out a way to put a dent in the $14.3 trillion national debt. He will be putting a $2,000 Same Gender Tax on same sex marriages.
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Obama Needs Another Vacation
President Obama's phew rating indicates that only 49% of voters consider him to be a strong leader, down from 58% and only 44% describe him as a person who can get things done, down from 55%!
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It's Only a Small Typo
The printer contracted by the DNC to manufacture President Obama's reelection bumper stickers mailed out 10 million "ANYONE BUT OBAMA IN 2012" placards. The printer is a Republican!
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Riot Precautions
Metropolitan police saturated a section of London with extra officers, empowered to use tough searches at the Notting Hill Carnival. Adult revelers showed up naked and thus avoided being searched!
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Obama's Flawed Jobs Plan
Pres. Obama's jobs plan creates more EPA bureaucrats to enforce new regulations on boilers & cement plants. These rules can't even be met by new plants, meaning private sector jobs will be lost!
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New Book about Obama
The current Republican presidential candidates have cooperated to write a book about President Obama being reelected. The title is "Four More Years, subtitled How The USA Committed Economic Suicide!"
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Go to Your Left
The White House East Wing contains additional executive office space. Pres. Obama's far left wing base has discovered the East Wing is on the right side of the building & demands he never go there!
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Off His Meds
Former Democratic VP Al Gore compares climate change deniers to racists. 1960's civil rights movement veterans are offended and compare Al Gore to Chicken Little!
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President Obama is Enamored by Academics
Ask any retired engineer, in any technical field, how many people they ran into with PHD after their names who couldn't find the men's or lady's room without a road map!
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More Liberal Obamanomics
Pres. Obama nominated a Princeton University academic to be Chairman of WH Council of Economic Advisers. The president turned down Republican Herman Cain, who actually has created private sector jobs!
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