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Rating:

Pacific walruses to remain among least studied pinniped species

In rare walrus birth expected at Six Banners Discovery Kingdome in Vallejo, California, sex of calf still unknown - mother walrus refused ultrasound last fall. "I want it to be a surprise!" said Uquq.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 08 April 2011
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New phrase coined - thanks to Wayne Rooney

Yup, I was so freaking mad a yelled a number of choice "Rooneys" at the bastard.

written by Lady Godiva, 08 April 2011
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Bird 1 - Bird watchers 0...

Having finally located the "Indonesian Pigeon-Toed Greater Skankwit" a group of bird watchers eagerly aimed their macro lenses, but the bird was ready: "PISS OFF AND STOP STARING" said the placard.

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
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Just the thing for the Royal Wedding reception...

70's Punk revival band "IN YER FACE" are shouter Razor Teeth, guitar mangler Strung Out, female (?) bass abuser Barbie Wire, and drum wrecker Bash Bash Crash. Expect lots of chaos & very loud noise.

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Some trees are more easily climbed than others...

Dave, a Crab-eating Macaque, was left confused after failing to climb a monkey-puzzle tree. "I don't get it" he said. "Here I am, a perfectly normal and agile monkey, and I'm fucked if I could do it."

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
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World famous naturalist finally loses plot...

National and international treasure, the legendary broadcaster and naturalist Sir David Attenborough, is finally to be remarried. His new lady love is an orphaned Sumatran orangutan called Hermione.

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Huge Russian Penis Erected

A gigantic object resembling a Penis is being erected in Moscow to celebrate the virility of Rusia's friend Silvio Berlusconi.

written by j.w., 08 April 2011
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NOW Murdoch is sorry

The News of the World's global media owner, Rupert Murdoch, is sorry about the hacking carried out by his employees. To compensate those hacked they will be headlined in next week's paper.

written by j.w., 08 April 2011
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American Government to Close Down

The American Government is to close down in an action that will bring the USA to a halt. This action will reduce the US deficit by several trillion if it continues until Christmas.

written by j.w., 08 April 2011
Rating:

F+++++g Rooney and Ramsay open new restaurant called "F the FA"!

Gordon f+++++g Ramsay and Wayne f+++++G Rooney are to open a f+++++g new restaurant called "F the FA" it promises to be a f+++++g great success so f++k off the FA!

written by Jaggedone, 08 April 2011
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Boozing is good for cancer if you don't want to know about it!

The best way to avoid cancer is boozing! A new survey has discovered that boozing supposedly enhances cancer, rubbish! If you're so pissed, you won't notice a thing!

written by Jaggedone, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Prince William and Diana

Prince William will be singing an updated version of Fats Waller's immortal tune 'Dinah' to remind everyone present of his mother when he gets married. He is to sing 'Dinah - if there anyone finer?'

written by j.w., 08 April 2011
Rating:

No Room at the Top

The BBC was unable to show the dramatic version of John Braine's novel 'Room At The Top' because at the Top Bankers shitting on everyone below them and it was not a pleasant sight.

written by j.w., 08 April 2011
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Loony Tunes to Produce New Cartoon in Libya

Warner Brothers' Loony Tunes are to produce a pro-Libyan cartoon which features a new character called "Gaddafi Duck"

written by IN SEINE, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Eddie Stobart Leaves Lorry Parked outside the Gates of Heaven

Delays are expected outside the gates of heaven for several weeks after trucking tycoon Eddie Stobart parked a lorry across the entrance. Apparently, God would not allow him to bring it in with him.

written by IN SEINE, 08 April 2011
Rating:

First Gay Caveman Discovered in Czech Republic

The remains of a gay caveman were found in Prague this week. Although he wasn't found in a cave, the 5,000-year-old was buried with 100s of pink beads. Stonewall were quick to verify that he was gay.

written by IN SEINE, 08 April 2011
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'Where's Wally' to Get Makeover in Italy

The popular children's comic book, "Where's Wally?" Is to get a makeover in Italy. It will be renamed ' Where's Berlusconi?' and will include many photographs of law courts in the capital, Rome.

written by IN SEINE, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Now That's What I Call Being 'Actively Engaged'!

David Cameron is 'actively engaged' in rethinking the cuts to the British military now that Libya has become a scene of conflict. He is doing this on a 2-day holiday break on a sunny beach somewhere.

written by IN SEINE, 08 April 2011
Rating:

How to tell a horse from a cow (beta)...

A) Climb aboard B) If the animal merely bolts with you clinging on for dear life, it's a horse C) If however the animal smells like the cathouse at the Zoo it's a LION and you're in a world of hurt...

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
Rating:

How to tell a horse from a cow...

A) Climb aboard B) If the animal merely bolts with you clinging on for dear life, it's a horse C) If on the other hand the animal makes a loud mooing noise and bucks you off it's a cow. Trust me.

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
Rating:

How to tell an adder from a grass snake...

A) Pick them both up B) If neither of them bites you they're both grass snakes C) If however BOTH of them bite you you're in trouble and you should report to the nearest A & E without delay.

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
Rating:

How to tell an adder from a grass snake (beta)...

A) Pick them both up B) If neither of them bites you they're both grass snakes C) If one of them bites you but not the other, it's reasonable to assume that one of them is an adder - BUT WHICH ONE?!

written by attilathehungry, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Paris Hilton By Any Other Name Would Be Just As Snobbish

Paris Hilton has announced that in order to prove to the American people that she is not a snob says she is considering changing her name from Paris Hilton to Paris Motel 6.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 April 2011
Rating:

President Obama and The American Public Go "Tit For Tat"

President Obama on high gas prices: Get used to them. The American Public on Obama's low approval ratings: Get used to them.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Elton John To Sing The Royal Wedding Tribute Song

Estimates are that two billion people will be watching the Royal Wedding. Elton John has been asked to do the tribute song, which will be "Like A Royal Couple In The Wind".

written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 April 2011
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The Mountain Trash Came From Very, Very Happy People

Swedish mountain climbers launch an expedition to clear Mt. Everest of trash, blamed mostly on "The 29,029-Foot-High Club."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 08 April 2011
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Amen Folks

ACLU sues to have a Christian prayer banner hanging in a RI high school auditorium taken down. God only knows how long the banner has been hanging there!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
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Obama Weighs in on US Government Shutdown

President Obama tells Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid to stop bullshitting in front of the TV cameras and strike a budget deal with Republican House Speaker Boehner!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Arabs Too Busy Revolting Against Repressive Regimes

Anti-tank missile fired from Gaza strikes school bus in southern Israel, injuring 2 people. A Burqa clad Hamas spokesman; Israel will not frighten us, will not terrorize us & other Arabs will help us!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Obama Calls SML Reid about US Government Shutdown

President Obama tells Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid that if the US government shuts down, he may have to retire and open a brothel in Las Vegas NV!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
Rating:

It's Still the Economy Stupid

The Republican Party's virulent stance on abortion rights may cause an early termination of their chances of keeping the US House, retaking the US Senate and defeating President Obama!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
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The Dreaded "B" Word

Former Democratic House Speaker Pelosi had all of FY 2010 to use Botox, buy a Bidet, smell a Bouquet of flowers, and scrape hull barnacles but could not come up with an FY 2011 BUDGET!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Commander in Chief

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney defended his boss's leadership ability in the Libyan non-war. He said, back in Chicago IL then Senator Obama commanded a Girl Scout Troop!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
Rating:

Never Been in Business Before

A county in an east coast blue state increases hotel room tax to promote additional visitors. Funds will be used for marketing, advertising brochures and improving tourist centers.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 08 April 2011
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Three Other Guys Look More Like George Clooney Than Even He Does

The real George Clooney secretly participated in a George Clooney lookalike contest in Hollywood his week, and out of the top ten contestants who looked most like him, George himself came in fourth.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 08 April 2011
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