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Rating:

"I Love My Bloaters" Claims Robert Mugabe

Nuisance neighbours? Make peace with them. Invite them round for an evening meal. Get them relaxed. Then beat them to death with a baseball bat. All you have to do then is come up with an alibi and dispose of the corpses.

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Egg Shortage Threatens Horn Of Africa

Harrassed by those unwanted Jehova's Witnesses? Why not strip naked, cover yourself in tinfoil, put a silver-painted plantpot on your head, and sing If I Only Had A Heart? Works for me!

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Dr Zhivago Cartoon Banned In Ethiopia

Bothered by Jehova's Witnesses? Try answering the door nude except for a pair of false ears and reciting The Lady of Shalott while sucking a piece of Haslet. They'll not come back.

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

More Facts About Cheese

Drive away unwanted Jehova's Witnesses by standing nude at your front door with a hose pipe up your rectum and saying "who goes there, friend or enema?"

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

New Subatomic Particle Discovered Then Lost Again

Tenby man Jestyn Dyffodd endured a trying experience yesterday. He went to visit his lawyer, a dutchman, and was surprised to see his advocate sitting at his desk stroking an aardvark and drinking advocaat.

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

"Mud Wrestling With Young Nude Girls Keeps Me Young" Claims Jimmy Savile

Cleckheaton idiot Ivor Pustule, 37, has become the first man to eat a live manta ray. Interviewed by Radio Cleckheaton's Dick Pointer immediately afterwards, Pustule said: "Aaarrrgh!"

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Dead Pigeon Found In Boris Johnson's Hair

The Bishop of Drumlin spoke about his beliefs to Radio Forfar. Unfortunately, we do not have a copy of the tape, or a transcript. We are, however, able to offer this fragment of [you've run out of space - Ed.]

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Carp Found In Bishop's Mitre

A scientist at the University of Jutland has developed an infinitely small tomato. "This can save much space in the greenhouses of Europe is what we are to be believing", said Professor Jens Convolvolus (for it is he).

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Moon "Only Half Its Former Size" Claims Unicorn Expert

At Tokyo, suspenders fell. The bottom seems to have dropped out of the knickers market, with thong manufacturers barely covering their assets. Though brassiere sales enjoyed an uplift.

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

"Leopards Can Understand Calculus" Claims Rosicrucian Dentist

Nick Clegg, 25, who is the Deputy Prime Minister, is also a two-faced lying arse bandit, according to Dennis Culvert, of Ipswich.

written by Erskin Quint, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Queen Latifah's 'Name Change' That Did Not Happen

Queen Latifah stated that two years ago she considered changing her name to Lady Latifah, but didn't when she learned that there already was a Lady Latifah, who works as a pole dancer in Pittsburgh.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

President Obama Is Reaching Out To Reverend Al Sharpton

President Obama is looking to Reverend Al Sharpton to help him keep the black voters who voted for him, even though Sharpton has already told the press that he thinks Obama is possessed.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

The "On Air" Gibberish Situation Is Getting Worse!

Questions are swirling around about the sudden rash of alarming "On Air" gibberish, which some experts are now attributing to an outbreak of BDD or Bob Dylan's Disease

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

New York City And The "Happy Meals" Scandal

New York City is policing "Happy Meals," giving steep fines for repeat offenders. Three officers have already been discovered bound, gagged, and with a "Happy Meals" toy lodged up in Wazoo City.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Mr Sheen gets rebranded Mr Clean

After the antics of Charlie Sheen, the popular (and highly recommended) cleaning product Mr Sheen, is to be rebranded Mr Clean to distance itself from the dirty Hollywood star.

written by IainB, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Easy way to attract new rugby fans...

Just give the guys a RUBBER CHICKEN to play with instead of a rugby ball. The resulting chaos and carnage will prove a lot more entertaining than the traditional game. The mind boggles. BRING IT ON!

written by attilathehungry, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Easy way to attract new football fans...

Just give those overpaid spoilt brats a rugby ball to play with instead of a football. The resulting comedy will be more than enough payback for our sulky primadonnas. The mind boggles. BRING IT ON!

written by attilathehungry, 06 April 2011
Rating:

One swallow does not a summer make...

Still, it was very sporting of her.

written by pinxit, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Man Eating Food Freaked Out by Spoofer Writing About Him

BIRMINGHAM - Todd Cotillard, 25, was freaked 'the shit out of' by Inhopeless, a spoofer, when Inhopeless wrote a spoof snippet about him. After an impromptu fight, Todd is now in Selly Oak Hospital.

written by Inhopeless, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Austrian baker caught baking "Nazi" cakes!

Austrian baker Herr Swashsticker (name changed) has baked several "Nazi" cakes for his customers. He was sentenced to face a firing squad shooting cream "hammer and sickle" cakes, Sieg Heil!

written by Jaggedone, 06 April 2011
Rating:

What Is Gaddafi's Real Religion? The UN Security Council Will Find Out

By tossing a coin...?

written by Hawking's Chair, 06 April 2011
Rating:

David Crosby Says His "Sponge Cake Diet" Failed

David Crosby has confessed that his Sponge Cake Diet did not work and in fact, instead of losing weight he actually gained weight because the sponge cake absorbed all of the beer he drank.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Yogi Berra - The Catchers Catcher

Former New York Yankees catcher Yogi Berra, the master of Yogisms, recently said that he has trouble trying to understand what in the world Ozzy Osbourne ain't saying.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

The E-Trade Name Business Alone Is A Full Time Endeavor

E-Trade is reportedly suing Eeek-Trade over name infringement. Meanwhile EiEiO-Trade is said to be safe. As Einstein once said, "Go figure."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

The American Idol Male Singer Formerly Known As Sanjaya Malakar

One of the most popular, but least talented contestants to ever appear on American Idol, Sanjaya Malakar is hoping to release a 'two-song' CD by Thanksgiving 2013.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Chocoholics Summer Outing

Chocoholics are pleased to announce that we will be visiting Cadbury World for this year's summer outing. Cabury World have said they're only too happy to have us back for the fifteenth year running!

written by IainB, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Anger Management course moved

Wednesday's Anger Management course has been moved to Thursday. This is the THIRD time they've bloody moved it! If they move it again, somebody's going to get effing hurt!

written by IainB, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Nazis Planned to Kill British Troops with Coffee

MI5 files disclosed that the Nazis planned to kill the British with poisoned coffee. Now 60 years on, the Americans are allegedly doing the same - except we have to pay for it from Starbucks.

written by IN SEINE, 06 April 2011
Rating:

Gaddafi Behind Bee Shame

The fate of President Gaddafi was settled today when it was proved that he was behind the plan to lock up Bees. It was said he got a buzz out of the torture.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Clegg's Daddy to Blame!

The truth about Nick Clegg is that it is not his fault that he lies and twists when he makes a fool of himself, it is his father's fault for making him into a privileged git.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Feather used on Paper seller.

A man who died after selling his papers in the wrong place was knocked down by a feather, it has been revealed. 'You've knocked me down with a feather' were his last words.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Footbal Now to be Played after 9 pm!

The FA ha decided that all matches in the Football League must be played after 9 pm - the well known Watershed. As children will be in bed by that time they will not have to hear footballers swear.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Don't Swear!

The cry from the terraces is that it is about fucking time the bloody players stopped their fucking swearing. 'It makes me want to fucking spit' declared an indignant fan.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Red Cards Biased

The FA is dropping Red and Yellow Cards because of their political meanings - red for Labour, yellow for Liberals. Two new non-political cards coloured grey and brown are being introduced.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Wedding Shock

There was no news of any kind about the Royal Wedding today in a shock development that is causing a crash on the stock exchange.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Shock in Africa

An election in Africa has resulted in the victorious candidate being congratulated by her opponent, the previous President, after an election. The West African Women's Institute is pleased.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Blue Wednesday

The colour of Wednesday has been in dispute today. Some regard it as black, others as blue but most as black and blue. In fact it is a bright sunny day. Weather forecast wrong again!

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Hip Patients wait longer

Evidence was published in the 'Lancet' that Hip patients have to wait longer. One hipster complained that he had been having a spiffing time so his operation was delayed. 'It's too much man' he said.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

Sun in Bed can be Malignant

Doctors warned today that reading the Sun in bed could cause major health problems, including malignant skin cancer. Those who cannot resist the Sun are advised to wear gloves when handling it.

written by j.w., 06 April 2011
Rating:

President Obama's Budget Press Conference

"It would be inexcusable of us to not be able to take care of last year's business ...." Golly, is it my fault that former Democratic House Speaker Pelosi forgot to do a budget?

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 April 2011
Rating:

No Taxpayer Funding will be Used

NASA agrees to shoot USA's rabid environmentalists into low earth orbit with brooms & buckets. The rubbishnauts job is to mop up space debris, but they must pay for their own space suits & transport!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 April 2011
Rating:

France attacks Libya and Ivory Coast

NYC bans French fries and a Washington DC prudish woman attacks Paul Gauguin's painting "Two Tahitian Women (topless)" hanging in the National Gallery. No wonder the French are so belligerent!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 April 2011
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