Spoof news snippets from Friday 24 September 2010
Tattooed woman 'told to put bag over head by Jobcentre staff'
Damned kinky these dole queue bandits I say
Schools 'axing rugby in favour of yoghurt'
Er, maybe 'yoga' on second thoughts...
Independent experts to examine David Kelly 'lies'
Good way to waste another five million quid I guess.
Patronising leaflet tells council staff to save money by selling sex
And why not in these recession hit times?
'Worst ever' internet paedophile jailed say cops
Oh yeah, what about that bastard on Bebo last week, say angry bloggers.
Attack on Britain from Irish terror groups a 'strong possibility' says Theresa May
Nah, it's always been Mrs Thatcher's relatives say UK cops!
ABBA revival, they turn Nazi, Mamma Pia!
ABBA have decided to don their jackboots, tight pants and leathers to do a brand new ABBA Nazi spectacle, Bjorn & Benny can't wait, as for the girls, no way, they're already in Cabaret!
Shooting siege barrister was fair game, says police marksman
Chaps down the Station would have ribbed him to pieces for offering a gun amnesty instead...
City boss threatened to throw financier out of window
Well, that's one way of dealing with balance sheet bad news!
Roman Abramovich digs a £20m hole under Chelsea's Stamford Bridge
Would have been cheaper to give the money away!
Crowd-pleaser Vince Cable risks being urination target, says Alistair Darling
OK, maybe a bit of an exaggeration from the original story, but whaddahell, eh?
Elderly forced to stand at bus stop because TfL thought the seat generates orgasms
Can't have the oldies tossing off in public, I suppose.
Stolen Bees Uncovered Through Sting Operation
Said one FBI agent, "It felt so great getting these criminals off the street...afterward, I had such a buzz".
New stand-up comedian wows UN
"Ah'm a dinner jacket" cracks Iranian President
C-SPAN to Launch Two Comedy Networks - C-SPIN and C-SPUN
WASHINGTON, DC - Landel Hobbs, Chairman of C-SPAN, announced today that the company would be launching two comedy channels, C-SPIN and C-SPUN.
Latest "pussy" rage hits UK, spraying it pink!
The UK has been hit by the latest "pussy" rage and everybody who has one is spraying it in a different colour, most popular is pink and even Gays who love their pussies? are doing it???????
Elmo Caught Upskirting Katy Perry on Sesame Street
HOLLYWOOD, CA - After the Katy Perry video was pulled from Sesame St., it was discovered that Elmo had secretly upskirted Katy with his cell-phone during the taping and uploaded the video to YouToob.
Democrats Throw Barney Frank Under the Anti-Gay Bus
In an effort to regain traction in the upcoming midterm elections, Congressional Democrats threw Congressman Barney Frank under the Anti-Gay Bus, driven by Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss.
Celebrity peacocks like Russell Brand and Pete Wentz fuel a rise in the use of manscara and guyliner.
Cosmetic house hits back with powdermuff and clitstick.
Commonwealth Games cancelled
In breaking news, the Commonwealth Games in Delhi, India, have been cancelled and shifted to the backyard of Mr and Mrs Wil Huddart of Lambing Grove, Sussex. The Huddarts have only nine days to ready.
David Beckham's lawyers launch worldwide hunt for hooker in hiding.
Interpol are starting at the X Factor mansion.
Police seize 23 million euro from Vatican bank in suspected laundering scam.
It costs a lot of money to keep those robes white, says Pope's aide.
Montana woman sees off a black bear by lobbing a courgette at its head.
Her log cabin currently surrounded by hungry grizzlies desperate for upmarket vegetables.
"Swinging" French housewife rushed to hospital after visiting nudist resort at Cap d'Agde
Blood tests revealed she had a nut allergy.
Athletes need not worry about terrorism or dengue fever at Commonwealth Games village, claim organisers in Delhi.
They should concentrate on the exposed wires lying in puddles of water instead.
The preparation for health cuts continues.
An NHS leaflet recommends taking thirty winks every afternoon.
73% of Emperors of Ethiopia were Haile Selassie.
20% were Fairly Selassie. 7% weren't Selassie at all.
Tears contain cancer cure
Sufferers advised to go home and cry.
New 16-blade razor
New innovation ideal for today's faceless society
Pen Pal Union Upholds E-mail Ban
The PP Union has signed a deal to use post its for their twitter pen pal activities.
Come, Grow in God's Word and Love. Unless...
"Growing in God's word and love," says a sign outside a Lutheran church in (Insert name of pious, Republicany city here.) "Unless you're a dirty faggot. Then, you know, taste hellfire. Mazel-tov."
Aldi Vs. Lidi In North America?
Aldi Vs. Lidi In North America? Doubt it. Aldi is the grocery store that smells like old bananas and pee, where Central Americans wait for day-labor work, and no one's heard of Lidi. Shop Rite Wins!
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