Spoof news snippets from Friday 5 November 2010
No More Torture
President Obama has signed an executive order banning torture in the United States. In response, half of all prime time TV shows will have to be pulled by January 1st.
US News Changing
US News & World Report Halting Print Edition! From now on they will hire van drivers with bullhorns!
Obama In Dreamland?
Obamacare is a "Frankenstein" monster in which "everyone loses," while Barack Obama is in "dreamland" when it comes to national security, says Michael Savage, who looks a bit nightmarish, himself.
Man -- not near tree falling in middle of woods -- did not hear it.
A man, who was nowhere near a tree that fell in the middle of the woods yesterday, did not hear it fall. Draw your own conclusion.
"IT Men Not Men says Which
In a Which survey 8 out of 10 men said they prefer IT - that is prefer - sitting at a glorified typewriter all day rather than doing a real man's job like Ice Truck Driving, Building and Plumbing.
Just A Slight Change
Some gay men getting married in Vermont have had part of the ceremony change to "For bitter or for wurst".
Could Puff Up!
While last year's tests show that eating watermelon can have the same effect as Viagra, scientists say that you must be careful about swallowing watermelon seed.
Couple Found Dead In Bed
A doctors study group now say that the use of Viagra does not lead to blindness, but too much could cause it to explode!
Viagra Study Released
A doctors study group now say that the use of Viagra does not lead to blindness unless your enthusiasm causes the wife to get poked in the eye.
Baseball Bets
New York Mets Clubhouse manager admitted baseball bet. "You can sure bet it wasn't on these clowns."
Could Be Causing Global Warming
Do we still need daylight saving time? Shouldn't we have saved enough daylight by now?
Money Is Money!
Bargain-hunters should check toy recall list first. Then get that bargain, recall or no recall, before it's gone!
Bush: Pic A Mistake
George W. Bush calls Katrina photo of him looking out plane window a 'huge mistake'. Obama says the same about Tuesday's voting.
Obama Upset About Mid Term Election Losses
"At least I could look at Pelosi's tits when I got bored with her. This Republican Majority Leader won't give me anything to state at."
Joe Biden Mototcade Crashes!
Joe Biden's motorcade has been in record number of crashes. "Joe keeps trying to drive with one foot on the gas and one in his mouth", says one Motorcade driver.
Obama & The Dolls
No, Pentagon says, president will not be guarded by 34 ships. Instead, he will have over 100 Obama Dolls from China that will confuse anyone trying to do him harm.
Olbermann Suspended
MSNBC Suspends Olbermann Over Political Donations to Dems. If that's true, why not all the others on MSNBC, GOP on FOX?
Nuns Sell Rare Baseball Card
Nuns sell Honus Wagner card for $262,000. Bill Gates grandson will put it in his bicycle spokes.
Pelosi Is Back Already?
Pelosi will seek to stay as House Dem leader. That large cheer came from the GOP, not the Dems!
Pope DOES Wear a Funny Hat.
Centuries-old mystery solved.
New Lord of the Rings promises Less Violence!
The newest Lord of the Rings movie will be out soon, promising to cut out all violence and senseless killing of strange creatures with no apparent reason for being. Runtime 1 minute.
Bedbugs On Shuttle
Space shuttle Discovery launch scrubbed due to leak in hydrogen fuel feed line, presence of bedbugs; next possible launch date is Sunday
MSNBC Anchor Suspended
MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann suspended indefinitely without pay for political contributions to three Democrats, sick in bucket during election telecast.
Obama Cold & Elitist!
DER SPIEGEL: 'Obama Comes Across as Cold, Arrogant and Elitist'. You would think he was French!
Two Tumbled To Second Place
Obama knocked off FORBES power top spot. Last week, it was Tiger Woods.
Who Needs Solar Heat With Global Warming?
Solar panel maker touted by gov't scales back expansion plans. Why are we not surprised?
Better Get The Lead Out
Warning Issued For Entire NYC Water Supply; Elevated Lead Levels Detected! Officials blame gang shootouts, Mafia wars, filling victims with bullets.
Better Get The Lead Out
Warning Issued For Entire NYC Water Supply; Elevated Lead Levels Detected! Officials blame gang shootouts, Mafia wars, filling victims with bullets.
Amount Of Mercury Up Too!
Warning Issued For Entire NYC Water Supply; Elevated Lead Levels Detected! Theory, too many who had lead in their asses buried lately.
No Global Warming!
Nudist Colony in Anchorage, Alaska say they voted Republican because they don't believe in global warming.
Wear Less Clothes
UN calls for global taxes to fund 'climate' change problems. Us response: "Sorry, Republicans inn here now!"
No Hillary Run!
CBS: Hillary Clinton Rules Out 2012, 2016 Presidential Runs. "Unless the people keep calling for me, Me, ME!!"
Young Asian disguised as old man arrested #2
Young Asian disguised as old man arrested aboard plane. Giveaway? Teeth was solid white!
Young Asian disguised as old man arrested!
Young Asian disguised as old man arrested on flight to Vancouver.. Giveaway? Not one single hair growing out of nose and ears.
Is He Popping Viagra?
Young Asian disguised as old man arrested on flight to Vancouver. Giveaway? Boner every time hostess walked by.
Pelosi Wants Minority Leader Position
Pelosi Will Seek Office of House Minority Leader. "There goes 2012", says Barney Frank.
Goebbels Wins Nazi Poll
Dr Joesph Goebbels is world's favourite Nazi, according to a new poll. One fan of Goebbels, who beat Henrich Himmler in a close contest, said: 'He murdered his entire family - and that's pure class.'
Tunnel Entrance Modelled on Star's Growler
The new owners of the Channel Tunnel are to redesign the British entrance in the shape of Stevie Nicks' vagina. The 40 ton relief will feature an fully illuminated clitoris.
John Kerry Still Owes Yacht Fees
John Kerry still has not paid his yacht rental fees & taxes. The wealthy show how that got that way!
US Circumference Grows
Obesity rates to expand to 42% by 2020, say fatheads doing study.
Print It & Weep!
Brazil, the country that fired the gun on the so-called "currency wars", is girding itself for further battle. "US bringing down other country's currency."
Vanity Fair Not Being Fair?
LETTER: VANITY FAIR EDITOR FREAKS OVER ELECTION: VOTERS LIKE 'HORMONAL TEENAGERS'...'Better than same old farts in there!" voters reply.
Oil Headed Higher
Oil is now above $87...better get off the computer and go fill up!
Just Like Old Times!
Retired Chinese, American generals hold talks, arm wrestle!
He's Back At It!
Frustrated Tiger Woods sizzles and fizzles in Shanghai! Opponents were hoping he had cut the farting.
Clinton Duckin & Doggin!
Earthquakes, machine guns firing over her head dog Clinton on overseas trips
FOX Wins Ratings
Broadcast nets behind Fox on election night. Mostly because their candidates won and the others candidates lost.
Conan O'Brien New Studio #2
Conan O'Brien ready to break in cozy new studio with entire audience drawn from infomercials.
Conan O'Brien New Studio
Conan O'Brien ready to break in cozy new studio with an audience of twenty.
Lots To Choose From!
New series shows family hurting financially by selecting one out of a one hundred million every week.
The Spanish Inquisition
Spanish authorities inspect 10-year-old mom's home...turns out it's up a tree.
Love Them Mint-Flavored Kisses
Wyoming, West Virginia lead the United States in chewing tobacco use....most of them women.
"And While I'm Here..."
Bloomberg applauds Chinese mayors at Hong Kong meeting. Asks for a few bucks to help NYC, "your sister city".
Doc: He's Breathing Better
High school quarterback in fair condition after huge fart by Center before ball snapped!
Kim Not Impressed
Swiss man performs aerial loops with jet wings. Kim of NKorea says cartoon people have been doing that since the 1940s.
Why Not Give Peole Money To Spend, Not Banks To Hoard?
Obama welcomes new ideas on firing up the economy. "Seems like nothing has helped thus far!"
Gitmo detainee not to be released!
Appeals court overturns release of Gitmo detainee who helped train 911 terrorists. GOP effect already being felt!
Radioactive rabbit trapped !
Radioactive rabbit trapped at nuclear reservation.May appear in the next Spiderman movie!
Radioactive Rabbit Caught
Radioactive rabbit trapped at nuclear reservation. Acts like the one on Monty Python's "The Holy Grail".
They Don't Dare!
Cuba and Iran blast U.S. human rights at U.N. forum. "Notice that none of our people complain!"
Good wind behind him!
High School kid punts football well over eighty yards...even though it rolled for 40!
Gridlock Better Than Goldilocks
Obama: U.S. can't afford two years of gridlock! GOP: Nor two more years of Goldilocks!
MSNBC One-Sided Coverage
MSNBC's election night lineup draws criticism. "You could tell they were liberals by the way they cried all night", says Bill O'Reilly.
Obama Didn't Get Through?
Obama acknowledges his message didn't get through. "Somebody screwed with my message board."
151,000 Jobs Added
Employers add 151K jobs, most since May. "NOW you tell us", says Obama!
National Security Battle Coming Your Way Soon!
GOP gains set stage for national security battle! Tickets to staged event $200 each. Fake chairs and bottles brought in for effect.
Earthquakes Follow Hillary #2
Earthquakes dog Clinton on overseas trips. Several have now announced that she is no linger welcome.
Earthquakes After Hillary
Earthquakes dog Clinton on overseas trips. Scientists blame five degree drop when she comes into a room.
Judge To Make Decision In Tough Case
Judge has tough call in Calif transit killing case. Spotted inside private chambers throwing darts.
Better Before, Than After
Space shuttle springs fuel leak, may delay launch. "We don't mind", say astronauts. "Take your time & do it right."
Old Battle Axe Makes News
World's oldest battle axe found in Australia. I'm sorry, that should be "axe", but you should see the old hag bringing the message.
Russian Spies Caught
Georgia 'busts Russian spy ring', outrages Moscow. Outlaw Google earth.
Once Over Locals To Sell Lava Lamps
Erupting Indonesian volcano seems to have crawled 300 feet north during the night.
Shuttle Launch Taking The Piss
Piss leak around the water converter halts launch of space shuttle once again. Astronauts re-examined for prostate problems.
Space Shuttle Delay
Fuel leak, discovery of funny-looking ink cartridges, halts launch of space shuttle
No News Here!
GOP, Obama embrace Bush tax cuts, 'we all get rich', compromise!
Doesn't Sound Encouraging
Afghan Taliban threaten death to all talking peace, especially those saying "Shalom!".
Taliban "Death To Peace!"
Afghan Taliban threaten death to all talking peace. "There's our excuse say reps from PLO, Israel!
Worked For 234 Years
GOP, Obama embrace Bush tax cuts compromise. Both agree to leave it alone. Most hope that's what Washington will do about everything: Leave it alone!
Liberty In Myanmar
Myanmar military set to win elections on Sunday as voters made to vote at gunpoint.
Not Again?
Georgia arrests 13 accused of spying for Russia. Northern US attempt to burn down Atlanta if others don't step forward.
More Russian Spies In Georgia
Georgia arrests 13 accused of spying for Russia. Jimmy Carter lead away in handcuffs.
MSNBC Prejudice
Fox News host Bill O'Reilly and Bernie Goldberg slammed MSNBC for having the network's top liberal hosts and commentators lead election night coverage. "They even did chants & lighted candles."
Hadron Collider Latest
Recent tests in Switzerland show that time travel will be realised by 2015. UK PM David Cameron has issued a statement "...that the country will no doubt be empty by 2016...!"
MSNBC Very Bias On Election
Fox News host Bill O'Reilly and conservative media critic Bernie Goldberg slammed MSNBC for having the network's top liberal hosts and commentators lead election night coverage. CNN, FOX were fair.
Deep Impact Flies By Comet
NASA Deep Impact spacecraft flies by small comet, belching poisonous gases. So a near-miss of the earth could still poison us. Just one more thing to worry about.
Brain Booster
Good Conversation Can Boost Brain Power, Study Finds! Also taste, claim zombies.
Conversation Helps Brain Power
Good Conversation Can Boost Brain Power, Study Finds! So jump right in on TheSpoof forum if interested in the subject being discussed.
On The Dole
More people on the Dole in Britain to be given bananas.
Nice Canadian Couple
Nicest Canadian couple in world dole out lottery winnings. Nicest couple in Kentucky on the dole.
James Blunt
Pop singer James Blunt is said to be following a career in comedy, after appearing on Have I Got News For You. He is taking advice from Lempit Opik.
Clegg
Nick Clegg, the wonderboy of the Conservative Party is set to play Prince Charming in Pantomime this Christmas. Boris Johnson has been offered a part in a new farce......The Conservative Party.
ironic Twist to Costumed Man's Arrest for Drunken Driving
A Nebraska man was arrested early Monday morning after a night of partying at a Halloween Party given by his friend. His costume? A Breathalyzer.
Norway #1
Norway the best place to live: UN. "Don't you believe it say locals. Stay where you are."
Norway Number One!
Norway the best place to live: UN. However, they DID pick Haiti last year you know.
Nice Couple Win Lottery
Nicest Canadian couple in world dole out lottery winnings. Let's all send them a special card from TheSpoof and mention that we'd all like to get together somewhere, if we had the funding.
Obama The Paranoid #2
Obama heading for India to open Asia trip with 50 ships and one to be nuclear, 50 fighter jets as bodyguards.
Obama The Paranoid
Obama heading for India to open Asia trip. Now with 50 ships, 100 tanks and 1,000 armed troops as bodyguards.
A Crap Ash
For the poor people of Indonesia: Equally as bad for America, it's an anagram of SARAHPAC.
Trainee Doctors "Not Supervised"
"Chuck 'em in at the deep end, I say," says top surgeon. "Heart surgery ain't rocket science!"
Thought For The Day:
Better 'phone me mam this weekend.
Pass the Celery
San Francisco CA has appointed brothel and bathhouse inspectors to make sure customers don't get any toys with their "happy-meals," unless they eat their vegetables!
So Much for Campaign Promises!
What reelected east coast blue state governor promised no tax increases in his 2012 budget? The blue state legislature is going to add separate bills boosting tax rates on gasoline, alcohol and etc.
Dancing with the Mullahs
Iran changed its position again on meeting with world powers about its nuclear program. The USA, Germany, France, China, UK & Russia anticipated the Kabuki dance would be replaced by the Hokey-Pokey!
Election Day November 6, 2012
Voters still upset with the Democrats performance gave Republicans 16 more US Senate seats in the election, knocking Democratic SML Reid from power. Republicans also retained control of the US House.
Slime Ball Award for the Second Week
The Slime Ball award of the week again goes to SML Reid. Reid made promises to his union buddies and about passing the DREAM act, in exchange for votes. Nevada still has a 14.4% unemployment rate!
Another Obama Vacation
Pres. Obama travels to India to escape the American people telling him that he wasted their time, money, & are tired of being treated as stupid by the arrogant incompetent fools in his administration!
Deluder in Chief
Obama says Republicans against Aids funding to Africa; wrong President Bush provided lots of money. Obama says court order called CO2 a harmful gas; wrong EPA reclassified greenhouse gas definition.
History Lesson 2013
What do Presidents Jimmy Carter, Herbert Hoover and Barack Obama have in common? They were all one term presidents!
Obama is in a Dream World of His Own
President Obama is a deer caught in the headlights of the GOP/Tea Party train. "He didn't realize he wasn't communicating his ideas to the American people during the emergency health care crisis!"
Ideological Proliferation
Pres. Obama says "Senate ratifying START Treaty with Russia sends a strong message to Iran that USA serious about stopping nuclear proliferation." Iran's Pres. Ahmadinejad says "Ha, Ha, Ha, and Ha!"
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