Spoof news snippets from Thursday 4 November 2010
Where's Our Security?
Pickpockets, muggers and prostitutes join in on strike in France over retirement changes.
Yes Sir, I'm Positive
Manager tells police that the shooting that was reported by someone in his apartment complex was just a roomer.
LPS Guy Lost Money On Invention
Creator of the Local Positioning System says he's not made a dime off it yet. "I guess we all know each other around here."
Not Another Election
Pools for 2012 Presidential election show that Ralph Nader would not only finish behind Mickey Mouse but could finish below Santa Claus, should he run again.
Bill Wagers Hillary
Former President Bill Clinton has promised his wife Hillary that, should she run again in 2012 and win, he's wear a pantsuit for two weeks.
Sparky Anderson Dies
Hall of Fame manager Sparky Anderson dead at 76. Family says he still had dreams about Pete Rose whom he called old mullet head!
Generous Couple Wins Lottery
Nicest Canadian couple in world dole out lottery winnings but the old farts never considered giving anything to me!
A new study says that most gay male marriages end with the couple going on their honeymoon at Mount Leconte!
Obama Tells Citizens To Quit Worrying
President Obama says that US citizens should stop worrying about a bad economy and spend some more cash. "There are now nukes everywhere, so you can't take it with you...and you may be leaving soon!"
Man accused of missing wife murder pleads innocence
"I wouldn't have missed it for the world" he claims.
"Old Timer's Disease"
Man arrested for the 5th time for walking into the woman's bathroom in a mall in Boise, Idaho is claiming to have "The Old Timer's Disease". "Going in there makes me remember what a life I've had."
"There Once Was" Almost Here!
Only 14 more days until Maine's yearly "Nantucket Poetry Contest". All entries have to be in by Friday!
New York Law Passed
A new law was passed yesterday in New York Tuesday that Wendys, McDonalds and other fast food restaurants have to place an updated card that says "_____ Days Since Our Last Heart Attack On Premises!"
Drunk At Sperm Bank
Drunk shows up at city sperm bank once again, this time asking for a bucket. "I've been drunk for a month and I'm all backed up."
The Yucca Monster?
Troops guarding Yucca Mountain's store of nuclear waste claim there's something running around down there and cackling.
You're Outa Here. So Are Your Clones!
Student in science of cloning kicked out after being caught as a copycat.
New Bush Book
In his new book, President says that 'Osama' is OK as a president but he hasn't the sense of hummer that I had when I was in orifice.
Sounds Just Like Him
Former President Bush in his new book about Iran, NKorea: "The enriched keep getting enricher."
Things Are Looking Over!
President Obama running out of Euphemisms for the state of the country. Has aides looking for more.
Pelosi: It Was Great!
Nancy Pelosi says that she enjoyed her term as Speaker of the House and is ready to take the water boarding coming to her with eyebrows held high!
Military ready for war in cyberspace. "We're not defense only. Wait till Iran tries to fire missiles."
Headed For Margaritaville?
Tropical Storm Jimmy Buffet staggering all over the Caribbean.
Norway The Beat
United Nations: Norway the very best place to live, especially if you like below zero weather, women wearing no bras.
GOP A Bump In The Road
President Obama says that GOP victory only a hiccup in the road..then gets the hiccups!
Someone Sneezes, We're All Outa Here!
Guyana announces that their nuclear facilities are for energy. Apparently bought them from the Congo.
Castro: After all that mess in 1961, Cuba probably only country without nuclear weapons.
Politician Equals "Crook"!
U.S., British citizens demand that as soon as someone becomes a politician, he be arrested.
Third Verse, Same As The First
Spending watchdog ran up £4.8m bill for hotels and used taxpayers' cash to fund gay rights workshop for staff!
Second Verse, Same As The First
As 500,000 public sector staff prepare for dole... Cameron's personal photographer handed job on government payroll
Hell's Mobility Scooters
'I have to go to Tesco': What disabled driver shouted after knocking down elderly couple with her mobility scooter. "Now she'll also go to court", states injured woman.
Parents Warned About Daycare
The missed warning signs that paedophile Vanessa George was abusing children at Little Ted's nursery. Looks like the twin of Nurse Ratchet.
Revolving Door Justice
Britain: Revolving door justice: 3 in 4 offenders return to life of crime after punishment. May turn them over to Taliban!
Money For Nothing
Northern Rock chief quits... but taxpayers will still keep paying him £82,000-a-month to do NOTHING. And he is not even a politician!
Homemade Movies To Pay For Them
UK traffic cams check to see if insurance, tax payments up to date, passengers having sex.
Mexico recalls several brands of tequila as several worms in bottles still moving around.
China Upset Over Dollar Drop
CHINA WARNS FED PUMPING 'HUGE RISK'. Bernanke says not to worry. They ran some Chinese currency also. "You sell us junk, we buy it with junk."
Official Papers Missing Again
President Obama tells Republicans that water dog ate all official papers and accidentally erased computer files. NKorea offers to sell their hacked copies.
GOP: Prepare Foe Investigations
New House Judiciary Chairman to Obama: Prepare for thorough Investigations. Just like those done on Bush Administrations.
Cameron Visited Obama On Commercial Flight
FLASHBACK: UK's Cameron flies commercial to meet Obama without a single warship.
Obama Visits India #5
Coconuts removed from trees 'to protect Obama' in India. Monkeys will wear diapers, hands watched closely for poo.
Obama Visits India #4
Coconuts removed from trees 'to protect Obama' in India. Guy who helps relay message board to President speeches will be introduced.
Obama Visits India #3
Coconuts removed from trees 'to protect Obama' in India. Everyone coming within 25 feet has to be barefooted.
Obama Visits India #2
Coconuts removed from trees 'to protect Obama' in India. Those who do the rope trick are to be checked for weapons.
Obama Visits India
Coconuts removed from trees 'to protect Obama' in India. Cobras confined in boxes.
Coconuts removed from trees 'to protect Obama' in India. Cow shit removed at the last minute.
Obama Would Lose To Hypothetical?
CNNPoll: GOP candidates top Obama in hypothetical 2012 race. But let's give the election crap a rest for awhile, most say.
Iranians Still Think We're Great
Iranians stage mass protest against 'Great Satan' USA...or else!
Good Thing It's A Friend
OBAMA taking 34 warships, 3,000 armed bodyguards in trip to visit, India.
Dollar Down, Oil Up!
Oil hits six-month peaks on falling dollar. Government fines on BP double.
Study shows that when taking out loans, the 50% thirty day loans at "Have The Money You Need" fleecers still better than those from someone whose first name is "Big".
Good To Be In New Guinea
A wonderful day to be in Papua New Guinea, says Hillary. Especially with all the political bloodshed back home.
And He Wonders About Political Losses?
34 warships sent from US for Obama visit for protection. That should help with government waste.
'Fiddler On the Roof' composer Jerry Bock dies of old age! L'chaim.
Better Forget It!
Election Day unkind to many wealthy candidates. Many already asking Government for bail-outs.
Was Ready For Big Celebration!
Twenty tons of marijuana found in California tunnel. "Thought the vote would go different", says owner.
Same Daily Message Deleted As Spam
From 'Hope' to Spam: How Obama Lost the Digital Generation. Most say they were out looking for jobs.
Those Silly Eyebrows
A chastened Barack Obama admitted he had suffered a "shellacking" in this week's US mid-term elections, but refused to see it as a repudiation of his transformative domestic agenda. "I blame Pelosi!"
Sure To Draw A Crowd
Burger King offers free coffee on Fridays in Nov. after one AM!
Obama Drops Global Warming Plan
President Obama drops plan to limit global warming gases. Environmentalists calls him a Lame Fart!
Illegal Happy Meals toys avoided as burgers now shaped like duckies and grenades.
No Toys Law Already Side-Stepped
Happy Meal toys outlawed in San Francisco replaced by fold=out box that creates Tank!
Many Happy Returns
Greece: Suspect package returned from embassy with 'postage due' sign on it, has been destroyed.
17 Minutes From Going Off
Official: 1 Yemen bomb 17 mins. from exploding. "It's a good thing we had already moved clocks back", says officer.
A Chastened Obama
A Chastened Obama Faces the World.May just play golf, shoot some hoops the next two years.
Stalkers Bad As Molesters
Erbe says stalker suspect mocked her child online. Tea Party demands beheading to set example with stalkers.
Report: NKorean hacking increases ahead of G-20 as "Hacking Wars" grow around the world.
Can't Fool Mother Nature
Flooding that swamped southern Thailand kills 12 as earth rebels against treatment with earthquakes, volcanoes, flooding, storms daily!
Hillary In A Hurry
Clinton urges lame-duck Senate vote on START. But Tea Party say they will veto bill if passed. "Can't trust Russians".
No Happy Meals Toys #4
San Francisco Law curbs McDonald's Happy Meal toys. Instead they will learn how to hotfoot, wedgie classmates, taught by Ronald himself.
No Happy Meals Toys #3
San Francisco Law curbs McDonald's Happy Meal toys. Instead they will get a coupon for half-off their next Happy Meal.
Toys For Pots
San Francisco Law curbs McDonald's Happy Meal toys. Instead, they will get a rolled medical cig. for parents.
Ban On Toys #2
San Francisco Law curbs McDonald's Happy Meal toys. "If we can't smoke marijuana, kids can't have toys."
Ban On Toys
San Francisco Law curbs McDonald's Happy Meal toys. "We don't want children having fun around here."
Average Citizens The Major Victims
18 dead found in Mexico mass grave shown in video as war continues between government and drug dealers.
Need For More Locally Grown Food
FDA tests confirm listeria at Texas food plant. The FDA asks, "What's in YOUR stomach?"
Thousands cheer on Giants at San Francisco parade. "With today's steroids, they really look like Giants", says one fan.
Qantas Makes Emergency Landing
Qantas jumbo makes emergency landing in Singapore. Rain Man's brother disappointed.
Thought For The Day:
Rioja! Oh yeah!
Republicans Propose New Spending and Social Programs
In a shocking turn of events, new House Republicans apparently drank from water fountains on the Democratic side of the chambers, radically changing some of their legislation. They raised taxes 30%.
Obama to Anyone Who Will Listen: "Were Screwed!"
President Obama spent the day on the phone to Democrats, Republicans, lobbyists, foreign leaders and Al Quaeda, with basically the same message,"Were Screwed".
Obama to Bill Clinton: Were Screwed!
President Obama today told Bill Clinton in a candid manor, "Were Screwed". This should not be confused with a conversation he had earlier with Hillary, where he also said, "Were Screwed".
Republicans Propose Cuts To Previous Cuts Before the Last Major Cuts To The Cuts Happened
Incoming Republicans have already proposed major cuts to minor cuts that hey say were not major enough cuts. These cuts would come on top of cuts meant to alleviate the cuts that they did not cut.
Mutation of Skank Gene Proves Mary-Kate and Ashley are Fraternal Twins.
You can tell that the sequenced eukaryotic genome for skankiness has manifested itself more in Ashley than Mary-Kate, indicating that they are not identical twins, they are fraternal.
Same Logic as the Pro-Marijuana Supporters
California Proposition 69 would make murder legal, freeing up the police agencies to chase offenders who drive while using a non-hands free cell phone!
New San Francisco Treat
The Pelosi Sandwich: Two slices of Sourdough bread covered with lard, a slab of ham and smelly melted Limburger cheese "lying" on top. Sure was hard to swallow and digest!
The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee (DCCC) Chairman who boasted of a Democratic US House victory has applied for asylum in France!
Old American Proverb
The sleeping tiger awoke voting out the Pelosi from the new red house, but the Reid managed to escape into the other slightly blue house. Beware of the tiger when she approaches the white house!
Mid-Term Election Strategy Update
Senate Majority Leader Reid has retained his Senate seat. He asked the ladies at the Chicken Ranch Brothel near Las Vegas NV, to get out the vote by having them call on all the local union members.
The People of the People's House Have Spoken
Knock, Knock! Who's there? The Botox lady! Go away Nancy, as you're out of a job in 2011.
Let Me be Clear About……
President Obama held a press conference, while drinking a cup of tea. He blamed the loss of the US House on Michelle, HS Pelosi, Bo (first dog), Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, not his spending policies!
What Campaign Skills?
The voters of Ohio nominate President Obama for the "Empty Suit Award" for spending US taxpayer money on political travel to their state. Major Democratic candidates were not elected in Ohio!
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