Spoof news snippets from Sunday 21 November 2010
We Will Get You There!
Carnival Cruises have opted to turn their ships into a type of hybrid. The next time the engines catch on fire and stop, they will be hoisting two big sails!
Church Needs Exorcists
Catholic Church still looking for more exorcists. Especially needed are helping clergy obsessed also...with alter boys.
Even Slows Down A Bullet
Historians say that the owners of covered wagons heading west in 1800's told that the cover would stop the heat but also the wind and Indian arrows. These were the forerunners of today's car salesmen.
I Don't Want To Know
Pentagon deploying heavily armored battle tanks for first time in war. Headed into the mountains.
Just Out Running
In an odd occurrence in Seattle, Washington, the fastest man in the US ran by the oldest so fast that then wind broke his neck. He was 104. No charges have been filed.
Irish road sign
As you enter Dublin, a new sign has appeared;
Dublin twinned with Athens
If 'nothing washes better than Tide' then why not use nothing.
North Korea responds to claims of new nuke facility
Kim Jong-un, son of Kim Jong-il,in his first public comment, said, "Fa Kin Su Pah,Yu Stin Ki Pu,Sum Ting Wong,Dum Fuk?"
Four Loko Named "Official Fuel Of Date Rapists".
It's alcohol, it's an energy drink, and Four Loko is now the "Official Fuel Of Date Rapists". Congratulations!
Weather Balloon Demands
Weather Balloon lands in New York's Time Square. Those inside ask to talk to world leaders at UN tomorrow.
Propenents Have Their Ups & Downs!
Stephen Hawking: The String Theory was made up by a bunch of Yo-Yos!
bin Laden Celebrates 10th Year of US War In Afghanistan
Commenting from his villa in Pakistan, bin Laden noted the fact that US casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan are now more than double those in his Sept.11 attacks: "It's great entertainment," he said.
Judges Now Ruling Over US?
Judge Halts Certification of Alaska Senate Election! Why don't we dispense with voting and spending all that money on campaigns and let the judges decide?
Clinton On Pat-Downs
Clinton: Make airport pat-downs be less intrusive. Bet that was Hillary wasn't it?
US A No Fly Zone?
TSA has met the enemy - and they are us. Who's going to pay your salary when we quit flying?
Obama Standing Behind Scanning (Not In Front!)
Obama, officials stand by airport screening. Plan to send you a card and flowers while you're in hospital, funeral home.
Healthy But Broke!
California aims to completely remove toxins in products, people from jobs!
Afghans Losing Patience
Afghans losing patience in war. "Hundreds of years and what do you see...rubble!"
Twenty-Four New Cardinals
Pope creates 24 new cardinals amid cheers. Big flap over those who didn't make it but not a peep from those who did!
No On Condoms!
Vatican: nothing changed on condom use! Sorry if we got your hips...hopes up!
Mideast Talks Not Improving
Abbas: No talks without East Jerusalem building freeze. Israel: Or the same for hell!
The Big Turkey
Sarah Palin release set for this coming Thursday. And so is her book.
MY Thought? I Thought It Was Your Thought!
In sports, Ih Wongchuck and Singye Jigne break a Tibetan record after playing two weeks of mind-chess!
This Changes Everything
Scientists shaking their head after '57 Chevy discovered in the La Brea Tar Pits!
US & Poland Pact
The United States and Poland Okay Missile Shield against terrorist threats, launched missiles, unfunny jokes.
On this day in 1982, President Ronald Reagan and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher formed the "Hole-In-The-Wall Gang' that led to the fall of the Berlin Wall!
"Here! More Or Less!
Tea Party leads House vote of 782-112 over the right to smoke pot during attendance count.
Obama Knew GOP Would Win
President Obama blames first two years inaction on the fact that he figured the GOP would win in 2010 so why try?
Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top?
Lindsay Lohan named the rock she found in jail "Elvis". That's when studio canceled her for role of Linda Lovelace in movie.
Madoff Under The Scan
Full body scans of prisoners leads to one of Bernie Madoff showing an eleven-inch penis. So that's why he was screwing all those people?
McNeil Dead At 94
Robert McNeil the creator of Tylenol has died at the age of 94. He will be buried in a child-proof coffin.
Been To Adult Toy Store Again
Local wife says that husband brought a suspicious package to bed last night.
Suspicious Package Arrives
Military says that a suspicious package has arrived at our nuclear facilities out west.
Climate Change Summit - Will There Be Progress?
Will 195 sovereign nations agree on a climate change accord in Mexico this December? Could 195 snowballs come together to stop global warming in hell?
Carson From Madison Co.
James Robert Waller, who wrote "The Bridges of Madison County" reveals that he has become more cynical with his new book, "The Bitches of Madison's Own Kit Carson".
Moles Keep Away Aging #2
Could moles hold the secret to keeping ageing at bay? Only if they're cancerous", says doctor. "Then you don't age because you're dead."
Moles Keep Away Aging
Could moles hold the secret to keeping ageing at bay? "Warts sure don't!", says 45-year-old hag.
Changed After Kennedy Assassination!
Kentucky's town of DeadKennedyville changes back to it's original name of "Little Britches".
Don't Worry, Be Brokey
Two in three people worry about having enough money... but most don't do a thing about it. "At least we her a shot", say prison bank robbers.
Delaware Close Mall
America's first state, the state on Delaware, to close only shopping mall...which covers one-fifth of the state.
Do As I Say!
Pastor who banned 'infidelity' Facebook admits: I had threesome with wife and church assistant and a chicken in Yorkshire.
75% Found Jobs
Study: 75% of last years college seniors were able to find a job, with at least 15% painting, fixing up their old room at their parent's house.
March of the Euro police: The shocking powers of prosecution the EU has over all of us (Britain). We have a few years left here in US.
"With A Rebel Yell! More More More!"
On this day in 1999, the South finally rose again with the introduction of Viagra!
Plain Or Filtered Plain?
Cigarette packs set to be given plain packaging to deter youngsters from smoking. General response: "Right. Guess we'll draw our own!"
George Bush Finally Steps Out
In his new book, "Direction Points", George Bush describes the two days he spent in a revolving door during his youth.
Pope Changing Church View?
It's OK to use a condom (in some cases), says Pope. "Let's say that you're having a birthday party and run out of balloons..."
Americans Getting Stronger
Study shows that Americans are getting stronger. Ten years ago it took two people to carry out $120 worth of groceries. Today it only takes one.
In Justifying Use of Condoms, Pope Falls Short
On male prostitutes, he intimated this: they are already sinning against God so wearing condoms isn't gonna matter that much. Let them use them if they want. No biggie.
A Fine Example
David Cameron cancels his Christmas holiday to Thailand to avoid sending 'wrong message' in age of austerity. Americans hope he passes that on to the Obama family.
Thar He Blows!
At Yosemite, a drunk was arrested for sitting on Old Faithful. Claimed he really really needed an enema.
'I give their marriage seven years!' Fury at bishop's cruel slur on 'shallow' Royal couple's wedding. "I give 'im a kick in 'is arse!", says local.
Sarah Palin Announces She Will Run For President in 2012
She also said that if she wins, she'll resign in 2015.
Just let them cry it out
World ignores American cultural, political and economic melt down as yet another tantrum.
March of Time
Vague feeling of despair plagues job-holders and unemployed alike as work week looms.
TETA Wants Parrot Pounds Closed!
PETA protests Mexicans Parrot pounds that smuggle them into the US or kill and use feathers for New Orleans headdresses during Mardi Gras.
Worse Dream Buster Since Fat Linda Rondstadt
SEX AT 72: FONDA PINUP GIRL...Barbarella fans actually sick to their stomachs!
Until PETA Intervened
ABC's reports of the rescued Chile miners comes across odd fact that during the early years of coal mining, miners used tortoise shells on their heads.
Blown Out Of Proportion
Catholics, campaigners debate pope condom remarks. But this morning the pope says that it has been blown all out of proportion.
No Respect At All
Mexico reports that someone blew up "The Tomb of the Unknown Cocaine Mule" during the night.
Sneaked One By Them?
Obama Admin Pushed Largest Arms Deal In U.S. History While Congress In Recess. Still could be voted down by GOP.
Just A Little "Jack"
Argentina admits that there might be a little kangaroo meat in their canned beef. "Just enough to make you hope through your day", says company executive.
Obama "A Little Punchy"
CNN REPORTER: President 'a little punchy' after the November voting. "He's been looking more and more like Bush trying to leave that one speaking engagement and couldn't get out the door."
NYC In Trouble
Things are getting so bad in New York City that even the mint on your pillow has been eaten by bed bugs.
Obama Joking It Appears
Obama jokes about taking Air Force One to see Hugo Chavez. Why not, he's stayed away from the US since the elections by going to most other nations.
Pope Approves Condom Usage
The Pope today said all people may have one condom each, but no more than one and only may use it in extreme emergencys...The Pope did not elaborate on what that might be.
Joel Hits Cow
A milk cow was accidentally ran into by singer Billy Joel while in Nashville for recording session yesterday. Joel is said to be OK, but the cow was really creamed.
Bad To Worse
Searcher at airport and flier with colostomy bag both left with shit all over them.
Madoff Always Prepared
The Bernie Madoff auction has raised over ten million dollars so far. Even the anal vibrator that he bought to get ready for prison life brought $250.
Dems In Disarray
Dems in disarray over raising taxes, pulling out troops, changing social security and if the beer is less feeling or tastes great.
Lindsay Lohan will no longer deepthroat
Disappointing Internet porn addicts across the globe, it was announced today that Ms. Lohan was dropped from the upcuming Lovelace biopic Inferno. Her camera phone audition will stay online though.
Another Bump In Security
TSA: Pilots to be exempt from some airport checks. Already two newsmen dressed as pilots board without search.
Brazil Airports Criticized
Air transport group critical of Brazil's airports "It's a jingle out there!"
Small Penguin, Lilly, who used to urge everyone to smoke "Kools", dies of lung cancer at 85.
No Flavored Cigarettes
Health group urges restrict flavored cigarettes but those "outstanding and they are mild" can stay.
Earthlings Recieve Photos
Astronauts open up world to Earthlings via photos..mostly of aliens!
Yale Returns Artifacts
Peru president says Yale to return Inca artifacts, including nearly one million enemy penises.
Yale Returns Artifacts #2
Peru president says Yale to return Inca artifacts including enemy skin they blew up like a balloon!
Yale Returning Artifacts
Peru president says Yale to return Inca artifacts, including heads of enemies used in ancient polo matches.
Give Talks A Chance?
As world warms, negotiators give talks another try That always works.
I Feel Your Groping!
Obama says understands ire over airport screenings and that he plans to look into it one day.
Feds Conducting Inside Trader Probe
Report: Feds conducting big insider trading probe. Martha Stewart rats on Oprah!
Gropers Are Permanent
No matter whether screeners are government employees or private contractors, whether you're at the airport or traveling by subway, the groping will persist!
Chairman Steel's Modesty Shows
RNC Chairman Steele: I saved GOP from 'potentially ruinous' Tea Party schism & you should all kneel down before me..not to brag or anything.
Dems Against Obama
Florida Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson trashes Obama in private meeting. "He sacrificed many Dems whom he considered expendable."
Usually It's Initials
Constitutional Amendment proposal to streamline legislative repeals to hit Congress soon. There they go with using language to keep us from knowing what the BEEP is coming at us.
AIDS Welcome Pope's Remarks
AIDS campaigners welcome pope's u-turn on condoms. Pope objects to term "U-Turn On".
N.Korea showed US scientist new nuclear plant, Operation: Wiley Coyote, Genius!
Medicare Plan D
Time again to review Medicare Part D plans. If you think these are complicated, wait till ObamaCare 5400-page Plans A-Z!
President Obama: Let's just pretend we're completely out of Iraq. It's a great game.
Obama Wearing Blinders?
With Afghan control by 2014, Obama sees combat end...just as he sees all troops pulled from Iraq.
Gawker Pulling Pages
NY judge orders Gawker to pull Palin book pages, swimsuit pics!
Parcel Bomb Attacks
Al-Qaeda vows to continue parcel bomb attacks. West to counter with special delivery drones.
Hey, Don't Open That!
Al-Qaeda vows to continue parcel bomb attacks. Western world promise to use "Return To Sender" defense!
Pope On Condoms #5
Pope says some condom use 'first step' of morality, boogie.
"You Saw Me Alone"
The Really Strange Story Behind Sunday's Blue Moon as sung by the Marcells Do-Wop Group.
Al-Qaida Attempting "A Thousand Cuts"
Report: Would-be plane bombers post attack details of destroying enemy by "a thousand cuts" while western world plan one big operation.
Pope On Condoms #4
World's Catholics debate pope's condom remarks. How about penis pumps and rings?
Pope On Condoms #3
World's Catholics debate pope's condom remarks. How about sex toys? Dolls?
Pope On Condoms #2
World's Catholics debate pope's condom remarks, easpecially those "ribbed for her pleasure".
Pope On Condoms
World's Catholics debate pope's condom remarks. "If he's using them, why can't we?
Kenya Joins Nuclear Club?
Scientist: NKorea built uranium enriching facility. Kenya also somehow developed nukes. President prepared to answer questions but promises no answers.
Nukes & Zombies
Scientist: NKorea built uranium enriching facility. Meanwhile Haiti has super-sized their voodoo bomb!
German pitbull bite paedo's penis off in Paderborn!
A German pitbull named Fritz saved a little girl from a paedo flasher, he lept 5 metres and bit his willy off in one foul GNASH and then spat it out, Frits prefers real deutscher Bratwurst!
London: People with moles less prone to ageing
More prone to be pointed at and have 'MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY' yelled at them.
Ice Age fossil find in Colorado
Mass disappointment when found to be a thrown out Ice Age 2 DVD.
Radioactive rodent on the loose
Radioactive cat sent to find it.
2.5m-year-old tobacco found in Peru
2.5 million year old bottle of beer found nearby.
18 rhinos found dead in SAfrica game park
South African Booze Park next door probably the culprit.
NRL, AFL seasons could hurt Australia's World Cup bid
Football Federation Australia to combat this by screaming loudly, rolling on the floor, faking an injury and shouting 'Ref! Ref!'
Thought For The Day:
No thought... Sunday... working.... not happy...
Political Food for Thought
House Minority Leader Pelosi ordered a "happy-meal" at the US House Cafeteria after the November mid-term elections. She did not get it or a toy, as the Republicans had eaten the Democrats lunch!
Providence protects pregnant women, puppy dogs and the USA. The proof will be in the 2012 presidential election, if Barack Obama is relegated to being a one term president!
Get a Real Job
The arrogant elitists staffing the Obama administration are disconnected from the real world. These unelected advisors believe nine ladies can have a baby in one month, because they say so!
Lady has an orgasm while eating a strawberry low fat yogurt. Viagra, Cialis and Levitra sales drop sharply!
Very Sorry About That
A defeated Democratic liberal left Congressman succumbs during emergency surgery. Doctors were unable to cleanly remove the man's lips from House Minority Leader Pelosi's arse!
Big Government I
The FDA is mandating large graphic warning labels on cigarette packages to curb smoking. So why not ban smoking outright? The IRS, hence the federal government needs the tax revenue!
Big Government II
The Obama administration is fighting childhood obesity with the help of the food police. The USDA has food distribution/commodity programs that include surplus cheese etc. Better fat than hungry!
VP Biden says President Obama has a superior positive intellect, in other words he knows better than the American people. But, when VP Biden's IQ is added to President Obama's IQ the result is zero!
My Fellow Americans
I apologize for Obamacare, the $800 billion stimulus package, Wall Street reform and other overregulation. Please reelect me president in 2012, as I will not change my liberal left ideology one iota!
Denial and Delusional Democratic Politicians
Pres. Obama, House Minority Leader Pelosi & SML Reid were flabbergasted by the mid-term election results. They say it is a minor setback that Republican Congressmen outnumber Democratic Congressmen!
Tunnel Analogy Cited Again
Pres. Obama, House Minority Leader Pelosi & SML Reid believes there is light at the end of the tunnel in 2012 for Democratic far left liberals. Then again, it may be an oncoming express train!
The 2010 Lame Duck
The senior Democratic Senator from NY wants to hold hearings on reusable shopping bags containing lead. The Bush tax cuts, unemployment, Afghanistan war and other issues must have all been resolved!
Reducing Automobile Accident Deaths to Zero
Adding more safety devices to cars, while reducing air pollution & also improving fuel economy? Sounds like Obamacare adding more people, while promising reduced costs & also improving medical care!
Big Brothers new Social Engineering Policy
Wall St. Reform Bill mandates financial institution ethnic/minority diversity be considered by federal agency regulators. Not the kind of diversity apportioning stocks, bonds & cash asset allocations!
Very Enhanced TSA Airport Screening
The TSA plans to augment its current invasive pat down procedures by hiring TSA trained Gynecologists, Urologists and Proctologists to search for really hidden junk!
Use Alternate Transportation, says Homeland Security Director
President Obama will ask Congress for $3 trillion to build a railroad between Boston MA & Portsmouth UK for people who refuse to fly. Environmentalists say more money is needed to protect the whales.
Bipartisanism is Alive and Well
Conservative Republicans, Moderate Democrats, the traveling public and the ACLU all agree that the TSA invasive enhanced airport pat down screening procedures suck!
Rethink Solutions to the Airport Security Problem, Stupid
Al Capp created a cartoon character named Fearless Fosdick who would stop people from eating a can of poison beans by any means, including murder. The TSA Director sort of reminds me of Fearless!
Sauce for the "Goose"
The Homeland Security Director was demonstrating use of a new airport full body scanner, but set off the alarms. After a pat down procedure, TSA screeners concluded it was the loose screw in her head.
The Homeland Security Director and the TSA Director have asked President Obama to hire additional TSA screeners. They want to extend the enhanced pat down procedures to trains, buses and taxicabs!
The Proof is at the Airport
Republicans charge that Obama administration regulations are getting government into the American public's pants/panties. The TSA full body scanners and invasive pat down procedures prove this point!
What's very wrong with this Picture?
Islamic terrorists have constitutional rights. However, travelling American citizens must go through TSA mandated airport security machines/procedures or be fined, to prove their innocence!
TSA Feels Your Pain
TSA is to hire Hooter's female waitresses and Chippendale male dancers to administer invasive airport pat down procedures to ease the pain on travelers. Travelers are free to choose either!
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