Spoof news snippets from Monday 3 May 2010
There's Still Hope!
As the oil slick draws closer and closer to the gulf shore, SpongeBob SquarePants says that he's getting a group together to help.
Friend: "Joe Just Whizzed His Way To The Hereafter!"
Dozens of TVs and fridges catch fire after late wino pisses on cable triggers massive power surge!
Military Name #1
Today's #1 most popular military nickname voted by readers of Stars & Stripes? "Joe Blow" (Non-Combat Role)
Military Name #2
Today's #2 most popular military nickname voted by readers of Stars & Stripes? "Daisy-Cutter Duke"
Military Name #3
Today's #3 most popular military nickname voted by readers of Stars & Stripes? "The Ten-Day Rank Tank Crew".
Military Name #4
Today's #4 most popular military nickname voted by readers of Stars & Stripes? "Ernest Sub"
Military Name #5
Today's #5 most popular military nickname voted by readers of Stars & Stripes? "Beretta Lynn".
Prediction of the Century...
Astrological Guru, Russell Grant has predicted a Conservative landslide victory. Gordon Brown has commented that he hopes that "Grant gets Clegg on his face!"
Gene Sequence Predictions #5
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks. Also, that you will pay handsomely for having yours done.
Bayer Stock Up!
Sales of Levitra rise six and a half inches in April!
Someone's Singing
"Joan Baez to play Reno's Artown festival in July.. Kumbuya!
Joan Baez to play Reno's Artown festival in July.. Kumbuya!"
Afghanistan Lowest Death Rate?
Study: Afghanistan has lowest death rate in the world among older men. Most die before 40.
Gene Sequence Predictions #4
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks, allow you to know if new girlfriend's boobs are fake.
Gene Sequence Predictions #3
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks. Say they will check you out if you'll cross their palms with silver.
Gene Sequence Predictions #2
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks, predict length of boyfriend's penis.
Gene Sequence Predictions
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks, see if you will be meeting a dark stranger.
New Rosalynn Carter Book #10
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Billy's CIA Code Name? Lobotomy!"
New Rosalynn Carter Book #9
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Billy: A Snail On Prozac"
New Rosalynn Carter Book #8
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Our Billy Was Sweet But Useless As Tits On A Boar Hog"
New Rosalynn Carter Book #7
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "The Lights Were On In The Oval Office But Nobody Was Home".
New Rosalynn Carter Book #6
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Jimmy Took Peanut Crop Checks While Billy Ran Country"
New Rosalynn Carter Book #5
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Billy Was The Bright One".
Heather Mills takes up Darts
Heather Mills has taken up darts and was beaten by one leg.
Gordon Brown Apologises Over Rihanna Assault
"I apologise if I did anything like that", he said.
Tory Party All Nighter
Dave Cameron & his chums are taking a deserved night off from the campaign trail tonight & having a 24-hour Smash The Poor charity bash in aid of The Bankers Fund at Cameron's country estate Champers.
Rosalynn Carter's New Book #4
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Jimmy's Outhouse Elevator Doesn't Go All The Way To The Top Floor"
Rosalynn Carter's New Book #3
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "Miss Lillian, One Fry Short Of A Happy Meal".
Earth Overturned
As the World Turns' matriarch Wagner takes an earth bath at 91
Genes Predict Health
Doctors use gene sequence to predict health risks, who will be traveling over water and who won't.
New Rosalynn Carter Book #2
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health, "The Carter Brother In The Attic"
New FDA Warning
FDA investigating recall of children's medicine as recall letters sent out could contain lead.
New Rosalynn Carter Book
Rosalynn Carter pens new book about mental health "Jimmy's Out Back Building Our Tenth Shithouse".
"Not To Bring Politics Into It, Of Course"
Napolitano: No suspects ruled out in NY bomb scare. Middle Easter looking man could well be from Tea Party.
Yankovic #66
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Hello, Goodbye (Thank You Mam).
Widespread Panic!
Middle-aged white male spotted in Times Square!
Yankovic #65
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "The Magical Mystery Manure"
Yankovic #64
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I Have To Admit I'm Getting Balder"
Yankovic #63
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Fixing A Ho"
Yankovic #62
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Everybody's Trying To See My Boobies"
Yankovic #61
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Eight Times A Week"
Wall Street Down
Greek bailout fails to give world markets a lift. So does the fact that all gulf states my go bankrupt from oil spill.
Obama Reassures Gulf Residents
Obama seeks to reassure as oil slick nears coast. "It will all disappear as I have commanded it to be so."
Alaskan Memories
In Alaska, gulf spill brings back painful memories. However, so does those of ex-Governor.
My Pondering Up To $50 Billion
German lawmakers ponder $11 billion for Greece bailout, but will most likely send one.
No Climate Deal
UN: No comprehensive climate deal this year. Will try again in 2020.
No "Bush Oil Spill Disaster!"
Another week at least of unabated Gulf oil geyser, mainstream media keeping President Obama's slow-response off the air.
Taliban Promises More Attacks
Pakistani Taliban promise US attacks post-NY scare. US military promises daisy cutters will be dropped over mountain to mole hill hideouts.
Meat Packers Investigated
Feds doing 1st investigation of major meat packers. Want to exactly where penis enhancement pills, exercises came from.
Easy Mistake
Pipe that interrupted Mass. water supply is fixed. Apologize for first hooking it into gas line.
Freedom Of The Press Day!
Media watchdog Reporters Without Borders named world's 40 worst "predators of the press" including politicians, religious leaders & militias to mark Press Freedom Day. Names Kim, Chevez, Reid, Pelosi.
Greece Raising Funds
Greece rushes austerity cuts as anger builds. Will auction Acropolis on eBay.
Riches To Rags
Another week at least of unabated Gulf oil geyser! "We thought it was a motherload", states BP CEO. "Turns out that it's a mother!"
Warren OR Jimmy?
Feisty Warren Buffett supports Goldman, high on economy, alcohol.
BP America To Face Committee
BP America vows to pay oil slick clean-up costs. Will appear before a special committee in a couple of weeks to explain what happened and ask for bail-out funds.
Van Gogh to Van go
A prisoner cut of his ear and the ambulance taking him to hospital was ambushed by two men in a van in a daring escape. Michael O'Donell jumped in the back of the van holding his ear shouting Van go.
Thai Prime Minister speaks out against Red Shirt Protesters
The Thai Prime Minister has spoken out against all red shirt protesters because none of them have been wearing a tie.
Black Day for Snooker as Higgins caught red handed
In a Black Day for Snooker John Higgins was caught red handed saying he could fix a match. He claims he was framed.
God to be replaced after UK General Election
Due to a typing error a local Newspaper printed God to be replaced after the General Election. It should have been Gord.
Time Bomb Planted in Times Square
Investigators are searching for a man seen acting strangely a short time before a Time Bomb was discovered in Times Square.
Luckily the bomb was discovered just in time.
Two of the Largest Airlines Expected to Merge Monday
and hope that by doing so, in this case, will ultimately make them "too big to fail."
Yankovic #60
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Octomom's Garden"
Yankovic #59
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Here, There, On The Table, In The Chair"
Yankovic #58
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I Got A Woman Preggers As She Can Be"
Yankovic #57
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "I Don't Want To Soil The Party So I'll Go (Somewhere Else).
Yankovic #56
Weird Al Yankovic to do Knew Beatles Album including his new version of "Ellen Or Rugby (Gal Or Pals)"
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