Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 25 May 2010
"Sir, His Vehicle Is Gone"
"Stock futures up, price of gold will go down", says time traveler, who is immediately arrested for using insider information.
New Law Brings Social Justice To Education
A new Federal law makes kids with "A" and "B" grades have their grades reduced to "C's". The surplus grades will be redistributed to lazy kids to raise their "F" grades to a socially equitable "C's".
Rumors On Internet
In the wake of Michael Jackson's death, death rumors on the Internet keep surfacing for celebrities such as Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus. Plus there's now one that Abe Vigoda is still alive.
South Africa to re-introduce Apartheid during the World Cup!
South Africa are keeping "them" away from the World Cup by re-introducing Apartheid. Exclusion zones and signs in public places are being erected for "them" and "footy tourists only" multi-culti!
Why Not Vacation On The Gulf?
Obama goes on second vacation during oil spill, Korea's about to go to war, big battle coming in Afghanistan. "We have some lovely beaches down here Mr. President", says Gulf businessman.
Dems Unvail Tax-Increase
California Democrats Unveil Tax-Increase Package. Thousands heading for Arizona. "Let The Illegals pay the taxes!"
How To Spend Gold?
Gold Rising; Speculators buying faster than it can be mined. However, at 1200-1300 dollars an oz, how you gonna spend it? "Starbucks: That will be $12 Sir. Uh, you got change for a $1300 gold piece?"
Obama Approval Drop
POLL: Obama Approval Falls to New Low: Three points below that of Jefferson Davis!
Back To Normalcy?
First signs of normalcy return to Afghanistan as Taliban hold young lady down to have ass whipped for showing her earlobe.
Using Thomas Edison Approach
BP Oil Company say they are operating on the Thomas Edison approach where he found 999 ways that a light bulb won't work until he found the right one. Speaking of light bulbs....
Bob Marley "joints" the conflict in Jamaica!
Speaking from his Rasta heaven, Bob Marley has condemned the US for hunting the 'Dudus" and his Coke, Bob feels 'dere aint nutting wrong wid a bit of hassling mon, so fuck off and smoke a joint'
Charles "The Round Mound" Barkley Could Become A Movie Star
TNT sports analyst Charles "The Round Mound" Barkley has been told if he agrees to lose 200 pounds he will be offered the lead in the movie, Brobama - The Story of President Barack "Barry" Obama.
Jennifer Aniston Says She Has Not Changed The Nicknames of Her Hooters
Jennifer Aniston says that she is still holding out hope that one day her ex-husband Brad Pitt will return to her. In fact Jen says that she still calls her left one Brad and her right one Pitt.
Sir Elton John and Sir Paul McCartney To Star In A Film About Scotland Yard
Sir Elton John has said he and Sir Paul McCartney will be starring in a movie based on Scotland Yard. He added the original title was Two Sirs at Scotty Y, but it is now A Guy and A Gal at Scotty Y.
The Famous Oil Paintings of The Big Easy - New Orleans
The New Orleans Museum of Fine Art has stated that if a hurricane hits, oil spill oil is liable to cover every single painting in the museum turning even pastel drawings into oil paintings.
Donny Osmond Turns Down The Role of Bruno Tonioli
Donny Osmond said he turned down the lead in the motion picture based on the life of Dancing With The Stars judge Bruno Tonioli. Osmond said he just feels that there is no way that he can act gay.
"Everybody Called Him 'Old Jim'"
97-year-old Jimmy Hoffa discovered in cell in prison in Muhlenberg County, Kentucky. Everyone on staff says that he was there when they started work, some 35 years ago.
English Only Here!
GOP urges that new signs on the border "DO NOT CROSS BORDER" be in English only. "They need to learn some English if they intend to stay here", says Senator Bunning.
Former Mayor Jailed
Ex-Detroit mayor gets up to 4 year jail sentence. May run for second term.
Local Mafia Gang Claim Witness Won't Speak at Trial
Gang boss Dave Taylor said that Helen Keller would keep quiet.
"She's mute, after all", he shrugged.
Old King Cole Branded as a 'Crappy' Military Leader
He marched his men to the the top of the hill and then marched them back again.
"Fucking useless", said an eyewitness.
Wanking Can Actually CURE Blindness
Local man Steven Wonderful was as blind as a bat until he started 'fiddling with his lollipop'.
Now he has 20/20 vision and can fly airplanes.
Local Man Pisses His Life Away
Barry Nubbins flushed his special Anniversary edition of Life Magazine down the toilet after having a good ol' piss.
Cabbage Patch kids Demand to be informed of their REAL Origins
They refuse to accept that they were found under a cabbage leaf and think there may be a more biological reason to their existence.
The Somali Pirates Are In a Bad Financial Situation
A spokesperson for the Somali Pirates has stated that they have to hijack a vessel and soon or else risk having to file for bankruptcy.
Cecil B. DeMille's Original Ten Commandments
Cecil B. DeMille wrote in his autobiography that his Biblical epic The Ten Commandments was originally to have been called That List of Those Ten Really Important Things.
Kirstie Alley's Absolutely Amazing Way To Lose Weight
Kirstie Alley said that she lost two pounds yesterday; she sneezed twice.
Ron Jeremy Tells Tiger Woods How The Cow Ate The Cabbage
Porn king Ron Jeremy has said that compared to him Tiger Woods is nothing but just a little half-black boy playing with his little balls.
Bernard Madoff From Con Artist To (Blank)
Bernard Madoff, America's biggest all-time con-artist has just announced that for the third month in a row he has been named "Cell Block Bitch of The Month."
Man Did Not Come Fram Apes!
Signing gorilla breaks into class on evolution and destroys all the books. Signs that professor has it backwards. "No ape would wipe out the planet!"
Deny Global Warming
New report says that those scientists they deny global warming are on thin ice.
Fire Department Helps Robber Down
Hoodie burglar has to be rescued after getting stuck on his victim's roof because he refused to drop bag full of pricey dishes.
People Won't Stop To Help
As an experiment, ABC Good Morning America had reporter to lie on outside sidewalk. No one stopped...even after he assumed the "dying cockroach" position with his legs and arms in the air.
Orgies Not Too Loud, Wild
Jailed professor says orgies disturbed no one...except ourselves!
Michigan Punishes Itself
Michigan punishes itself for breaking NCAA rules. Will play all games on the road next year with chickens on their helmets.
Hezbollah promotes itself through 'jihadi tourism'. Invite tourists to fire a few shots into the air.
Black-Bottom Planes Arriving
New airport opens in northwest Florida. Private planes from the Gulf Coast already arriving.
Americans Don't Buckle Up
Govt: About 45 million Americans don't buckle up. About 15 million don't even zip up!
Fogerty Song In Hall Of Fame
Fogerty's 'Centerfield' gets Hall of Fame honor! 'Well, Put Me In Coach!'
"There's Oil Destroying The Gulf! Isn't That Hilarious?"
Clinical Data gets app nod for depression drug after whole weekend of partying during tests.
Cable Service Is Ok!
Owner: US cable service unhurt by rogue satellite..by rogue satellite...by rogue satellite!
Britain Bans Doc #3
Britain bans doctor who linked autism to doctor who stole his girlfriend.
Geithner Calms Chinese Fears
Geithner tells China that US learned from crisis. Secretary: "Now we know what DOESN'T work!"
Economy's Got Them Talking To Themselves
EU warns Europe needs major economy reforms! Most thought the EU WAS Europe!
Hillary Tries To Wink
Hillary Clinton turns on charm in China. Well, HER version of charm. Chinese offended.
Obama Says He Didn't Know
BP had a key role in the Exxon Valdez disaster. They were in charge of botched clean-up.
Lohan's ankle bracelet has breathalyzer technology. Goes off during mouthwash!
Down In The Dump-lings
World racks sag on renewed Europe fears. I'm sorry, that should be "World stocks sag".
Doc Banned, Sneezy May Be Next
Britain bans doctor who linked autism to "just want to be alone, for pete's sake!"
"The Riley's Sure Have Changed"
Contrite Facebook CEO promises new privacy controls. Beginning July 1, all faces will sport Groucho masks.
Kim Now Dances Into Room In Tutu
Clinton: US, China share responsibility for Koreas. China: We can't handle this idiot."
SKorea Uses Psychological Warfare
SKorea resumes psychological warfare with NKorea, the only way to deal with Kim The Nutcase.
Heat On White House
Heat on White House to do more about Gulf spill than making bosses at BP do The Little Teapot Dome song.
"Welcome To Duluth...I Mean, Duluth!"
'Prairie Home Companion' sometimes goes off script, especially when Keillor drinking.
Russian Roulette Victim
In Atlanta, witnesses say man died playing Russian Roulette but two other players won some serious bucks.
Lilo's Ankle Bracelet
Lohan's ankle bracelet has breathalyzer technology. So far no drugs, alcohol, three quiet farts.
Every THING Included
'Amityville Horror' home for sale in NY for $1.15M. Family says that's all they can pay anyone to take IT!
'Amityville Horror' home for sale in NY for $1.15M. Ripleys, Disney may make offers.
Another Oil Spill
Tanker and carrier collide off Singapore, spilling more oil into the ocean. BP offers to help clean it up but receive "No thanks!"
Crackdown In Jamaica
One thousand Jamaica cops attack drug lord's slum stronghold being defended by 2,000 drug lord's body guards.
North Korea threatens military action in disputed waters, also disputed land of South Korea.
Secret Plane Spotted #2
Secret X-37B Space Plane Spotted by Amateur Skywatchers. North Korea launches missile, lands in ocean as usual.
Secret Space Plane Spotted
Secret X-37B Space Plane Spotted by Amateur Skywatchers, who mysteriously disappear.
Go Ahead! Give Them The Creeps
Photos show haunting images of the gulf oil disaster. Ghosts of gators, wildlife, Chief Oceola now following around oil execs.
Britain Bans Doc #2
Britain bans doctor who linked autism to vaccine. "Everyone knows that it comes from playing with frogs"
Britain Bans Doc
Britain bans doctor who linked autism to vaccine. "Everyone knows that autism comes from "the evil eye".
Facebook Or Assbook?
Contrite Facebook CEO promises new privacy controls after names, addresses, size of breasts and penis given out.
Star Eats Planet #2
Hubble catches planet being devoured by its star, detects a loud "FEED ME!" as it occurs.
Star Eats Planet
Hubble catches planet being devoured by its star. Many become sick after watching it.
Obama On Small Businesses
Obama renews push for $30 billion small business plan. "We have to throw them a few crumbs. No small businesses, no taxation.
After Five Weeks!
Heat on White House to do more about Gulf spill than to sit on their butts and complain. That's OUR job!
The Latest 'Gate' Scandal
For the past few years stories have emerged with the word gate as an appendage to imply some type of scandal. Watergate, Irangate, Climategate are but a few -- the next one has got to be: FERGIEGATE
Barack Obama: The Next George Dubya?
With the U.S. unemployment rate hovering around 10%, critics argue that President Obama keeps hiring experts on unemployment, when he should be hiring experts on employment.
Steep Drop in Global Stock Markets
World stock markets took a nose dive today as stock traders everywhere grabbed their money and ran, likely plunging both themselves and those of us who do not trade stocks into another recession.
Reform Bill to Exclude Car Dealers?
Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback (R) argued Monday, "There's not a single auto dealer on Wall Street." Yes, to be blue chip stocks, US auto companies first need to be built ram tough, ford tough at least.
Don't ask, don't tell? Do tell!
Dems agree with White House and possibly Pentagon on key steps toward repealing "don't ask, don't tell" policy barring open gays from military. I realize you didn't ask, but I'm telling you anyway.
Clint Eastwood's Much Awaited Sequel To "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly"
Clint Eastwood has said that he will finally make the sequel to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. It will be called, The Good, The Bad, and The Old As Hell.
Tennesse Williams By Any Other Name
The famed writer Tennessee Williams was really from Kentucky, but he said that the name Kentucky Williams was already taken by a wrestler so he just went down one state.
Carrie Fisher Was The Old, The Very Old Princess Leia In The Star Wars Movies
Carrie Fisher says that in Hollywood years she is now officially older than her mother Debbie Reynolds.
Whoopi Goldberg Tells It Like It Damn Is!
Whoopi Goldberg confessed that as long as Sara Bernhard is around, she will not be the ugliest celebrity in Tinsel Town.
The Truth Behind Edgar Allan Poe's "Raven"
Edgar Allan Poe revealed that the raven was originally an ostrich but he changed it because "quote the ostrich nevermore" did not quite have that certain ring to it.
The Queen Did Not Announce "Off Wit 'er 'ead as Reported
The Queen merely told the press that Fergie was just a bit "off" that day..."the day which no one really wants to talk about anymore" by royal decree.
A new study by the University of Mississippi has found that men over 50 who take Viagra are twice as likely to report hearing loss. I SAID, A NEW STUDY....!!
Kids, Former PM Brown, Scream & Run
London's 2012 Olympics mascots, "This Is What Teletubbies Look Like On Drugs" not helping to sell many advanced tickets.
Over 50 Crowd Happier!
Study shows that those over 50 are happier, more relaxed, full of beans! (That's all we can afford).
I Knew It!
World's first synthetic life form has escaped. Bring torches and pitchforks!
Breakthrough In Explaining Existence
Physicists make breakthrough in explaining existence. "We are here because we believe we are here! The very moment we quit believing, we're gone. POP! See Herb left, to prove a point. I'll miss him."
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #18
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "An American In Paris Hilton!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #17
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "The Lizard Of Ahhhh's!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #16
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Greased!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #15
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Mary's Poppin!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #14
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "The Mound Of Music!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #13
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Yank Your Doodle, Dandy!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
All-Time Musical Favorites Of Teens #12
The latest survey taken by teens as a fun break during school finals reveals that "Booty & The Breasts!" is one of their top all-time favorite musicals.
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