Spoof news snippets from Sunday 23 May 2010
Who Can Understand Him?
California Governor Schwarzenegger is in trouble as his "Non-Smoking" ban leads to those who don't smoke being asked to leave the state. "Thut ist nut whut I mitt!"
Too Much Military Pork?
Secretary of State Gates takes aim at military pork once again, revealing that hammers that cost only $800 ten years ago are now up to $4,000.
President's Plans?
President Obama's plans for Iraq and Afghanistan keeps our enemies confused...same here.
One More for the Road...
Martin Gardner, creator of logic games, math puzzles passed away on Saturday, leaving a final challenge: Place his cadaver in the casket without touching it by moving and replacing only two panels.
300-Pound High School Center On Football Team
Doctors now believe that obese people begin their bad habits in childhood through teenage years and especially during those years that lead up to them becoming obese.
72 Beauties, Just Waiting!
Al Qaida leaders said to be the best at convincing suicide bombers at making career moves.
BP Breakthrough?
BP says it might have made a breakthrough of using nervous energy for fuel, after gathering it from those who live along the Gulf Coast.
Just Before GMA Comes On!
FBI uncovers plot to leave burning bag of dog shit on each corner of Times Square.
Peace Gathering Delayed
Peace gathering to start later than expected in Jirga, Afghanistan after pissing contest among peace reps. who misunderstood the reason for meeting.
Summer Camp For Kids Burned
Masked gun men vandalize and burn out a UN-run summer camp for children in the Gaza Strip. "How can we stir up hate if UN in here helping kids?"
Obama: New Order
At West Point, president talks of new 'international order' with secret handshakes and "all that kind of good shit."
Pope Ruins Own Speech
Pope calls for ethics in world economy...but breaks down in laughter in middle of the speech. "Who am I kidding?"
Illegals Unprocessed?
FEDS: We may not process illegals referred from Arizona. Why should we made an exception with them?
Puppet Video Popular
Arizona Governor uses puppet video, 'Pedro The Packrat', to sell immigration law.
Israel Preparing Defense
Israel holds defense drill amid regional tension. Aim nukes at all the oil fields. "This time if we lose, we're taking everyone with us."
Unintelligent Congress Protests, Sucks Thumb
Senators: Obama admin keeps Congress in dark on intelligence.
Obama: "Hey you either got it or you don't!"
Condom Complaints #2
D.C. high school, college-age students complain about quality of free condoms from city. Object to no free Ky-jelly.
Condom Complaint
D.C. high school, college-age students complain about quality of free condoms from city. "Only one in ten are ticklers or 'For Her Pleasure" say students.
G.W. Downgraded?
Global warming downgraded? UN now says case for saving species 'more powerful than climate change', especially the human species.
Facebook Overhaul
Facebook to launch privacy overhaul. "There are entirely too many people sneaking photo of privates on the site!"
Cyber Warfare
President Obama appoints first cyber warfare general..Bill Gates!
Clinton Avoids Everything
Clinton avoids China disputes, hands out unleaded teddy bears to kids. "We know there are no political prisoners here."
One Step Behind
U.S. drops criminal probe of AIG executives, but will continue to dog the paths of the fall guys.
"Be Very Quiet"
Launch of secret US space ship masks even more secret launch of new weapon which is said to mask secret UFO meetings with former President Kennedy's brain. Shhhhhhhhh!
Least Popular Book #32
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Bovine Secrets Of The Yo Mama Sisterhood!"
Least Popular Book #31
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years,"Lovely Boners"
Least Popular Book #30
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "The Greatest Constipation"
Least Popular Book #29
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, Twilight: He Flips"
Least Popular Book #28
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Chicken Poop For The Soil"
Least Popular Book #27
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Twlight; Freaking Dawn"
Least Popular Book #26
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Twilight: The Who's Moon"
Telecommunications Satellite Launch
Europe's Ariane 5 launch vehicle carries out its 50th mission, putting two large telecommunications satellites in orbit. That makes a total of 644. Still nothing on.
Develop Or Die?
BBC: Second programme investigating how the Muslim community worldwide is increasingly working together to alleviate poverty, illiteracy, Israel, America, Christians and unemployment
French Smelling Up The Place
One of Paris's main thoroughfares, the Champs-Elysees, has been covered in earth & cow shit & turned into a huge green space in an event staged by young French farmers.
Landslide
Landslide in Jiangxi China derails train. Over 1,000 passengers set it back on track.
Least Popular Book #25
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Angela's Flashes"
Least Popular Book #24
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Booty For Life"
Least Popular Book #23
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Mammaries Of A Geisha (Or Lack Thereof)"
Least Popular Book #22
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Just Answer Your Spam Mail"
Least Popular Book #21
In an extensive poll of readers of the most popular books released & re-released during the past 15 years, "Men Are From Bars, Women Are From Penis"
Fergie in talks with the Royal Family
Fergie to star in the Christmas Edition of The Royal Family. Life long fan of the Queen, Ricky Tomlinsson, said: "I am over the moon that we have Fergie on board!"
Commodes "Jammed"
Prison wardens complaining about commodes being constantly jammed. "After they've been in here for awhile, their poop gets larger and larger!", states one warden.
Pathetic Exam?
Students asked to identify Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles in Christmas scene in 'pathetic' GCSE exam.
Youngest Ever
'Mom, I'm on the top of the world! 'U.S. boy, 13, becomes youngest person to mount Evelyn. I'm sorry, that should be conquer Mount Everest!
Women Best With Directions
It'll drive you mad, chaps... but women give the best directions! For instance, where you place your hand.
Much In Common
The coalition of millionaires: 23 of the 29 member of the new cabinet are worth more than £1m, and the Lib Dems are just as wealthy as the Tories. Could there be a middle class tax hike soon?
"What To They Want to Hear?"
£70,000 a time? To hear me give a speech? That's what Gordon Brown has been told he can earn. "Should have retired a year ago."
Bullying Can Be Good #2
Bullying 'can be good for children': Study finds those who fight back are more popular and mature. "You'll need to learn to pull your underwear up under your armpits as you get older, anyway."
Bullying Can Be Good?
Bullying 'can be good for children': Study finds those who fight back are more popular and mature, though badly crippled.
"Where Were We During This?"
'Age of plenty' is over warns Clegg as he condemns Labour's 'black hole' in finances. Many respond the same way: "Age Of Plenty?"
Hot Time Tonight
It's going to be a sizzler! Britain gears up for hottest day of the year so far, as last of the snow finally melts.
Auto Puzzle Solved?
The great petrol puzzle: Has top motoring writer solved it? "Just what is the answer to Mother-In-Law in the back?"
New "Open Doors" Policy?
The Duchess of York said she could 'open doors' as she was filmed apparently offering to sell access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for £500,000, only £100,000 for Sir Elton John!
Spend Night At Michael Jackson World!
Jackson fans to spend night among his possessions. Chimp threw some shit but rest of the night was fantastic", says young fan.
Dateline: May, 2011
Bp says they have still another idea about how to stop Gulf oil leak as the first of the spill shows up in the Great Lakes. President becoming impatient.
Laser Recodings
Lasers record Mount Rushmore's famous faces but will not record rest of bodies on the back side.
Calif. Man Acquitted
Calif. jury acquits man in killing of rapper as several later admit that they had came close to it, themselves.
Kuchwara Dies At Only 63
Michael Kuchwara, AP drama critic, dies at 63. That's my age. Probably not too early for a drink. Perhaps a toast to Michael!
Cannes Closed Down?
Life-affirming French film closes Cannes! "It was a real stinker", says one who walked out.
Joe Blow In Indo!
Up in smoke: Indonesian child-teen smokers rising. 'Sujitma The Camel' stuffed toys everywhere.
Study On Hard..Heart Attacks
Study: A heart attack shouldn't kill your sex life. On the other hand, it won't improve it much either.
Laptop Recall #3
Hewlett-Packard, Joe's Goody Bar, recalling 54K laptop batteries, dancers.
Laptop Recall #2
Hewlett-Packard recalling 54K laptop batteries. "Now they recall them!", says one owner. "If that don't burn my ass!"
Laptop Recall
Hewlett-Packard recalling 54K laptop batteries after three small bush fires.
Fulf Nature Preserves, Gyms In Danger
At worst, oil spewed already could fill 102 gyms. But thus far, it's only filled up wiped out three.
Must Be Gentle With Foes So They Will Love & Respect Us
Obama says diplomacy, military go hand in hand, if a terrorist hasn't blown off our hand.
EPA Still In There Monitoring Away!
EPA chief to return to Gulf Coast to monitor spill. "We'll keep monitoring this thing as long as it's leaking", he tells shoe-throwing locals.
Justice At Last
Astronomer Copernicus reburied as hero in Poland as then ruling pope dug up and placed in Copernicus's unmarked grave.
Thai PM: No Early Elections
Thai PM: No early elections until violence ends, even if it takes my lifetime to achieve it.
Somebody Needs To Move a Foot On Congress' Ass
Move afoot in Congress to ban drop-side cribs as congressman, attempting to show dangers, breaks foot while kicking the display model.
Country Still Deny Benefits
Vietnam, US, US Vietnam Veterans, still in conflict over Agent Orange.
Cuban Fined
Cuban fined $100,000 for comments on LeBron, having called LeBron a basket case.
In Today's Yada News
Insurgents attack NATO's southern Afghan base...Pope still Catholic!
Two Biggies Gone
Martin Gardner, 95, math and science writer, dies. Old 'George "Flysoup" Harden, the town of Leitchfield, Tenn.'s most colorful character, dies too. He was only 62 although he looked 62, 40 years ago.
China Doesn't Revaluate Yuan
As Europe falters, China balks at revaluing yuan. "If world economy collapse, it would take Yuan to buy Yuan."
Ears Still Ringing
Israeli nuclear whistleblower back in jail after finding another whistle, blowing it.
Hillary In China #2
Clinton to push China for 'balanced' relationship. China pushes back...for 'balance'.
NKorean Leader Wants "Hollywood" Type Name
Kim Jong Il insists that everyone call him by "Hollywood" name, "KimJo".
Hillary In China
Hillary Clinton to push China for 'balanced' relationship. She gives up on North Korea's "unbalanced" leader, KimJo.
Obama Suffers Defeat
GOP wins House seat in Obama's home district. Already tossing out old furniture, relatives.
Copernicus Reburied
Astronomer Copernicus reburied as hero in Poland as he was right and Roman Church wrong all along. Earth Revolves Around the sun. Children were being molested.
How Is Ohionobobilixi In Fartstan Doing?
Facebook Mania: Privacy Changes for Nearly 500 Million as everyone only separated by three three degrees.
Yemeni Cleric Advocates Murdering Americans
Yemeni cleric advocates killing US civilians, but in a humanitarian way.
Bonita Norris: First Cute Woman To Scale Mount Everest
The Observer: Bonita Norris is cute & she climbed Mount Everest & she's cute. The pointless expedition cost a fortune, but she's cute so it's on the front cover of our newspaper today. And she's cute
Worldcup to have new ad friendly balls
Advertising dollars are pouring in for the privilege of having ads on footballs. As balls fly around the field, close-ups of the ball will have virtual advertising like, 'Time for a Guinness'.
Tareq and Michaele Salahi Show Up Unexpectedly at White House Again
This time disguised as rats in the Rose Garden.
Family Style Out!
Family style restaurants are on their way out because of all the fighting and accusations.
New Viagra Shipment
Man's cheap Viagra from India works so well that it left him stiff for, like forever.
Martha Stewart #9
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "How 'Escargot Helper' Can Really Cut Down On Those Food Prices!"
Martha Stewart #8
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring Have That Yacht's Barnacles Removed Every 3,000 Miles"
Martha Stewart #7
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "Geico Can Save You Up To 25% On Your Car Insurance"
Martha Stewart #6
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "How To Make Your Very Own Two-Buck Chuck"
Martha Stewart #5
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "Never eat too many truffles. 'Live frugal, so others may simply exist!"
Martha Stewart #4
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "Why riding those new clothes driers will never replace a simple horseback ride"
Martha Stewart #3
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy, featuring "How to make your own children's outfits for those childhood Shakespeare plays"
Martha Stewart #2
New episodes of Martha Stewart will help the average American save some money in a tough economy. The next: Quit trying to keep up with the Dow Jones next door.
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