Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 19 May 2010
Redo The Whole Thing...Again!
Shrinking US dollar has casinos worried that they will not be accepted in slot machines.
Berkeley Wants DNA
UC Berkeley Asking Incoming Students For DNA. No big deal, it's just that Ripper going around and everything."
Campbell Brown Quits CNN Anchor Post
Ratings are what brought her down. "Sandwiched between O'Reilly on the right side and Olbermann on the left, I felt like a big glop of chopped liver right there in the middle."
Environmentalists on Florida's East Coast Say Limbaugh Bigger Threat than Tar Balls
Environmentalists are weighing in on the potential threat tar balls may have on Florida's east coast beaches. They claim the sewage spewing from Limbaugh's home is way more toxic.
Must Control Tea Party
After losing several primaries to the Tea Party candidates, Dems to organize Tupperware Party to contain them.
"Granny: My Boobs Will Block My Sight"
Next year's Bear Wallow Quilting Bee to include a swimsuit competition!
"Got An Eagle On #8, Par 4!"
Pope Benedict returns today after two-week vacation driving popemobile mostly around golf courses.
China recalls computer chip as it mistakenly sent out the wrong kind, sour cream & onions.
Amy Winehouse Pays $1M for Deluxe Flat at London Clinic
Amy Winehouse has purchased a block of rooms at the London Clinic at Mayfair and had them refurbished into a lovely flat, since that is where she spends a fair amount of her time these days anyways.
"I Like Your Suntan, Honey. X Marks The Spot!"
Victoria's Secret introduces a new product for the more shy women on the beach, the cross-over thong.
"Here Comes The Big Bad Buck!"
Victoria's Secret introduces new line of "deer scented" bras for lady's married to the outdoor type.
MISS USA Popular!
Miss USA's popularity has gone up 50% since film came up where she wins a stripper contest.
Had Everyone Fooled
The PGA has ruled that Phil Mickelson impersonator must return $400,000 first place win last weekend.
Next Book Coming Up
Man who ran over Stephen King found dead once again. This time buried under Yucca Mountain.
South Expecting Weather
Southeast bracing for another warm summer. "Somehow we always make it through it", says local lad.
US Muslims want to build a mosque on Ground Zero site, NY Lunacy!
Plans to build a Mosque next to the Ground Zero site is upsetting some "normal" NYorkers, others, loonies, don't seem to give a damn, especially those wanting to worship there, it's called NY Lunacy!
Local Man Inherits 100 Billion Dollars From Nigerian Woman
"I just answered an email from some lovely lady that was the former president's sister in-law. Now I'm rich beyond my wildest dreams!", said Dave Snickers.
Local Pond Gloob Is Stupid
It was described as 'Ignorant Scum' by some locals.
Local Pharaoh loses his Mummy
Little Billy Tutenkahmoun from number 26, the Pyramid, Sphinx Street, has lost his mother.
He is available for collection at the local shopping centre.
An Apple a Day keeps the Doctor Away
Little bastards throwing apples from nearby trees have prevented Dr. Sanjeev Babinki from getting to the hospital.
Stock Markets Crash
…Bells tinkle and cows moo…
Al Qaeda planned to blow up the World Cup, but they failed!
In an attempt to blow up the World Cup Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda was thwarted by one of his own men, he moved the goalposts and they missed the target!
Non-Crew in Polish crash cockpit
Largely due to the fact that all Polish pilots are currently driving taxis in S.E. England
LA Gang Breaks Up #12
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Feeble Fanatics, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
Wasn't Hu On First?
Poll says that more Americans are learning more about China's leader Hu after his bio was published in "Who's Hu".
Your Neighborhood Nose
President enlists nation's snitches, tattle tales to keep an eye on their neighborhood and report anything Republican.
New 2010 early census reports that there are many more "Don't really give a rat's ass anymore" than in the 2000 census.
Pelosi's New Job
A new version of Hollywood Squares will be coming out next year with Nancy Pelosi in the center square.
Singer Elvis Costello Refuses to Perform in Israel
"Oy vey, what a schmuck," said one man as Israelites far and wide kvetshed about this latest development.
More Couple's Living Together To Marry?
New tax laws would give married couples a break so that those living together because of being charged more taxes can marry.
Most say that's still not incentive enough.
Dinsaurs Dying Out!
According to Barney, the dinosaurs did not die out because of a meteor or global warming. "They all just became silly and turned purple"
Bill Helping For Free
Former US President Bill Clinton told the press yesterday that it is time for him to "give a little bit back" and joins "Volunteers For Clean Hooters Restaurant Areas".
Finally Taking Responsibility
Several sugary cereals and salty snack makers agree to quit advertising on cartoon shows for kids and switch to "The Old Stoners Network".
LA Gang Breaks Up #11
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Good- Fellowship Friends Of The Devil Himself, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
Real Flying Saucers
US Air Force reports that all the recent reports of flying saucers were due to desperate housewives in the area.
LA Gang Breaks Up #10
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, Pansy Peckers, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
But Cave Could Have Been Used Later
The U.S. military has announced that an unmanned rocket has blown up an unoccupied cave in Afghanistan.
Remember, We're Here To Help!
Exxon-Mobile Oil says that actions of BP disgraceful and should be boycotted.
Woman Hides in Coffin to Avoid Arrest
An escaped prisoner was accidentally interred when she found her way into a funeral home and hid in a coffin to avoid arrest
LA Gang Breaks Up #9
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, Twinky's Tormenting Turkies, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #8
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Junktown Twits, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #7
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Fuckturd Freaks, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #6
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Humiliated Homeboys, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #5
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, Wild Willie's Wussies, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #4
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Boxed Jocks, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #3
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, Percy's Pratts, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up #2
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Einstein Lions, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
LA Gang Breaks Up
Los Angeles police say that one local gang, The Porky Dorks, has given up as they have lost all skirmishes between gangs.
25 illegal immigrants found hiding among crates of wine in back of lorry heading for Britain after they began singing.
Too Much Of A Good Thing?
Guitarist falls ill after taking too much Viagra. "I was a total prick for a solid week."
JetBlue to launch Boston-Phoenix nonstop service...except, of course, at Boston and Phoenix.
Yellowstone Pass Opens
Yellowstone's Dunraven 'Hail Mary' Pass opens this Friday.
At Least She Was Free
Journalist says she confessed in N. Korean prison. "I even told Kim I was Daisey Duck's niece."
Ochocinco Kicked Off!
NFL star Chad Ochocinco kicked off 'Dancing'. Changes his name again, this time to 'Boogie Woogie".
Cell Phone Study: Inconclusive
Study on cell phone link to cancer inconclusive as guy doing study succumbs to cancer before it is finished.
H & R Closes Offices
H&R Block cuts 400 jobs, shuts 400 stores citing over 100,000 bomb threats.
Could Be Coincidence
Obama endorsements don't seem to help Democrats, say political experts. "That's only going by the fact that every one of them lost."
Astronauts to aim Giant Asteroid at Gulf of Mexico to Plug Leak!
NASA scientists intend to steer an asteroid the size of New Jersey directly at the Gulf of Mexico to plug the BP oil leak. If it worked 20 million years ago, it will work today.
Relish Hot Dogs In Kentucky
Democrats relish Paul's GOP win in Ky. Senate race as yells of "Hot Dog!" fill the air.
Pa. Senate Race
Senate race in Pa. will be about jobs, economy, too many Philadelphia lawyers.
Nick Clegg's first policy
Nick Clegg has announced to the country that there will be no more IDs required. Work and Pensions secretary, Ian Duncan Smith is said to be livid.
Could Turn Out To Be Right
La.'s late bird, the dead pelican, imperiled by oil. I'm sorry, that should be: La.'s state bird, brown pelican, imperiled by oil.
Not So Secret
Top US security officials meet in secret Pakistan cave find note from Bin Laden.
Scientists trying to figure out why huge oil slick in the Gulf seems to change every 3,000 miles.
President Obama hires Oil Whisperer to try to lead the huge spill out to sea.
Iran Opposes Sanctions
Proposed Iran sanctions face opposition, especially by Iran!
Skip The Dog
Skip the Dog and Have Another Burger says health study on ABC News. "Dogs were meant to be pets."
Now Where Has It Gone
Scientists watching where oil spill headed next although it continues to give them the "slip"!
Harsh Message #7
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. "May huge boils grow to the size of horse apples on your ass and smell worse."
Harsh Message #6
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. "May ye all go hunting with Dick Cheney this fall."
How About Politicians?
Workers asked to return bonuses after 16 years. "Counting interest, you each owe $50,000!"
Miss USA Controversary
Miss USA controversies storm the blogosphere after films of stripper contest she won ran nearly 1 million times now. "Disgusting", says one twenty-time viewer.
Harsh Message #5
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. May ye all choke on your vomit and not one around ye know the Heimlich Maneuver!"
Harsh Message #4
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. "May you be taken out and bull-whipped, tarred and feathered."
Harsh Message #3
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. "A pox, a huge pox on the lot of ye!"
Harsh Message #2
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. "May you all rot in your sleep!"
Primary Voters Send Harsh Message to Senate Incumbents. "We hope you all die soon!"
Voters back anti-DC, anti-establishment, anti-socialistic, antidisestablishmentarianism candidates
Prime Minister to resign
London, Tuesday. Prime Minister David Cameron will resign the post effective noon tomorrow because he doesn't like living in pokey little hovels such as Number 10. "I grew up in mansions" Cameron said
Cameron resigning after bad taste left in mouth
New Prime Minister David Cameron will resign from the post tomorrow blaming catering at Number Ten Downing Street for the cause. "The prawn cocktail damn nearly killed me" Cameron said. Corr blimey!
Cameron has had enough
New Prime Minister David Cameron says he will resign on Friday from the post because he can't stand sitting next to Nick Clegg. "He smells bad" commented Cameron. Has David ever smelt his own body?
Brown aims high
Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown says he now wants to become President of the United States of America. Not satisfied with his last post, Brown will risk everything to knock off the big job. Huh!
Man Marries Wasp
George Pimp, 47 married a wasp today at Hume Registry Office, once the Registrar had established that the wasp was female, otherwise it would have had to be a civil partnership.
Gulf Oil Disaster Imperils Oil Company Profits; BP Pundits Puzzled
Barbara Schroeder, national profit coordinator for BP, said that the company was investigating the oil spill - now considered to be the worst in history - intensively, but did not have answers yet.
Shooting People Taints America's Image
America's habit of invading and then shooting up independent countries, often followed by takeover, profit-mongering & a nice tea, has inexplicably diminished its popularity amoung fellow Earthlings.
Full Employment Milestone: 1,000 Americans Dead, 1000 Job Openings in US Military
Keeping America alert & willing to support Gestapo-type legislation requires sacrifice from our brave men & women in uniform. They do not die in vain: each death garners votes & opens up one new job.
U.S. Military Milestone: 1,000 Americans Dead, 250 Million To Go
After receiving alarming reports about insufficient war casualties from his top commander in Afghanistan, President Obama ordered 300,000 more troops into the war, most of whom will be dead by summer.
Americans to Ricky Gervais and Soccer: "We just don't get the fascination"
As much as we try and are told how great & popular you both are-we just don't see it.
Veterinarian Treats Camel Toe and Moose Knuckle in Same Day
"As a vet, you dream about this day," said Dr. Hill. "I have a story that will never get old. I can't wait for Christmas so I can trump my dumb brother's stories."
Swine Flu Fires Publicist
After leading all news stories last year, the swine flu has been forgotten like "The Weakest Link" In an attempt to reclaim popularity, the virus has fired its publicist.
Female Boss Does Great Job-for a girl
Little Sally Dunham has grown up and now runs a call center in Phoenix. Her fat ass, bitchy personality and pants suits make her a great boss-for a girl.
Family of Four, Eats Like Party of Ten
The slobs of Lancaster County have returned to the all you can eat buffet and this time, they have something to prove
As rare as Asian dwarfism
Go ahead, name one time you ever saw an Asian dwarf
Millions Late For Work
...when man awarded key to New York City decides to sleep in.
Greece Offers Gift Horse
Greece offers to repay loan from the other EU countries with big wooden horse!
Miss Arab USA
Arab-Americans delight in Miss USA victory. Then ask for her head after they learn about stripper contest.
Times Square Bomber
Feds: Times Square bomb suspect to appear in court . "Let's see how big of a man he is without his bombs!", derides Police Chief.
Palin Hits Circuit
Bristol Palin to hit speakers' circuit. She'll be starting in Bugtussle, Arkansas before ending her tour in Bear Wallow, Kentucky.
Manhood Screamholler Classic #20
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "I Found My Dill, With A Little Purple Pill!"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #19
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "The Goody Wood Pecker Song"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #18
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "The Boney Parts Retreat"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #17
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "Up, Up & Away In Our Nippled Balloon"
Manhood Screamholler Classic #16
New La Vitra Album by Manhood Screamholler out in July will include their version of old favorites such as "One-Eyed, Big Horned Flying Purple Pickle Eater"
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