Spoof news snippets from Saturday 15 May 2010
Atlantis's Last Mission
After returning from his mission in jungles of Brazil, Father Gregory Atlantis has submitted his resignation due to age related infirmities.
It's Only Right
Instead of deporting illegal immigrants back to Mexico, Arizona has decided to give them safe passage to California.
Gloria Aldred Accused
Several women clients have come forward to accuse Attorney Gloria Aldred of inappropriate contact after they couldn't pay her bill.
New Polanski Sex Allegations
Polanski boasts of sleeping with women, too.
58 Year Old Grandmother Poses as Teen Cheerleader
Melody Hines, captain of the Brownsville HS cheerleaders said,"I thought it was kind of funny that she couldn't do the split."
Most of Charles Darwin's work now available on the web. Shows how one microscopic cell can change into Kirstie Alley in only ten gadzillion light yerars.
Latest: Space Station destroyed by grain of sand traveling at 100,000 MPH!
Quaker Terrorist Group
News from Bizarro World: Terrorists building two large skyscrapers in NYC!
Iran's Outragious Behavior!
Iran leaders further outrage the west by threatening to develop their own Hadron Collider, land a man on the moon, time travel!
Obama Won't Go To Arizona
President Obama says he will not go to Arizona as long as they keep their new law. "That's because we ask everyone here to show their birth certificates", says Governor.
Middle England's Last Stand?
Middle England's last stand: The defiant villagers who set up barricades against invading gypsies. May form alliance with Arizona in the U.S.
Running To Fat
Families squeezed even harder as petrol hits new record price while wholesale prices fall. "If only we could run the cars on human fat", laments one car owner.
Spoiled Sunny Days
Ice-cream weather at last! Warm winds blow Arctic frosts away as Britain prepares to bask in the sun again...make that "ash cream".
There She Blows
Woman weighing 30 stone has to be winched off roof by ten firefighters so she can get to hospital. Hospital hires expert pall-bearers to get her from ambulance to room.
Don't Chicken "Out!"
Only 1 percent of the chicken in Brit McDonalds comes from there. Most from Brazil & Thailand where they live 60 days in cruel conditions. Study says 5% die in 11x14 inch cage from stress. Eat Hardy!
Iceland Gets Help With Volcano
British airports could close tomorrow as more ash spreads from volcano in Iceland as Iceland hires BP experts to help them stem the flow.
Brit Wins Big!
Lucky Brit scoops £85m EuroMillions jackpot in UK's biggest ever win from the Nigerian Lottery. Must come forward to pay for process, only a couple thousand.
Hague Versus Hillary
It seems Britain's Bill Hague's relationship with his U.S. counterpart Hillary Clinton may need a little work as well. "I think it has something to do with my first name", says Hague.
Featherstone Wants Balance
New equalities minister Lib Dem Lynne Featherstone hits out at 'male and pale' party negotiators. We need more 'sooty and tail'."
No Outriders For Cameron
Security fears as Cameron ditches his police outriders. Brown says that maybe a bullseye was also needed.
Local Man Lets Wife Cut His Hair
Local man Samson allowed his wife Delilah to shave his locks for charity today.
Since then, he has complained about a significant loss of strength.
Local Child Chosen For Human Sacrifice
Lucky local youngster Bethany Fiddlesticks, 8, has been chosen to represent her class at the annual Pagan Ritual festival on Tuesday.
She will be burned inside a giant Wicker Man.
Local Man Bursts into Flames
Impatient local man Tommy Pillock pushed his way inside Flames Nightclub.
"I was in dire need of a dance", he gave as way of explanation.
Spelling Error Leads To Hygiene Troubles at Local Law Courts
Instead of the 'Public Gallery', somebody wrote 'Pubic Gallery' instead.
Panto Town Burns to the Ground
The fire department failed to respond to urgent telephone calls because they thought the inhabitants were just a bunch of drama queens.
British Tax Shock
£1,200 tax shock for Middle England: How families will bear brunt of new coalition's drive to slash Britain's deficit. "The only way that we can keep our illegal immigrants", say new bosses.
Amorous Kangaroos Hopping Joggers #2
An amorous kangaroo in the mood for love has female joggers hopping mad in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia's outback Northern Territory. "It's that tight clothe they wear", says Officer.
Amorous Kangaroos Hopping Joggers
An amorous kangaroo in the mood for love has female joggers hopping mad in the Honeymoon Ranges of Australia's outback Northern Territory. "We have three Joggeroos born already", says policeman.
Gets Rid Of Pented Up Anger!
Athens hoteliers say Greek riots emptying rooms as more and more tourists can't resist going out and mixing it up a bit.
Gawkers lured by new Lake Ontario lighthouse, appear bug-eyed.
Shofar So Good!
Lena Horne recalled as conflicted, inspired entertainer. Also, hat her real last name was Shofar.
Sharp LA DA
LA DA meets, tapes actress who claims Polanski sex abuse, says she contradicts herself over one she gave 30 years ago. "Why, this doesn't even sound like her now. Could be a different person."
Can't Fool This Guy!
LA DA meets, tapes actress who claims Polanski sex abuse, says she contradicts herself over one she gave 30 years ago. "For instance, listen to this part about how old she says she is."
Happier With Every Swill
Scientist inspired by Dalai Lama studies happiness. "Two-Buck Chuck"!
APNewsBreak: More kids' jewelry recalls in works, said to be Spleen Piercing Rings this time.
Appeals Court Ruling Made
Appeals court gives Peace a chance in TiVo case. I'm sorry, that should have been "Dish".
$Million Review Unnecessary Say Some
UN science chief defends work, welcomes review. "Although we realize that it is invisible, nevertheless, Gravity does exist."
Six-man crew aboard shuttle Atlantis' last flight, say goodbye for good.
Stocks Taking Tumble
Stocks tumble as worries about Europe, Mad Cow Disease return.
Those Rotten, Cheating Cabbies!
Officials: 633 NYC cabbies routinely overcharge. Information collected by 2,000 police in plain clothes costing taxpayers over $250,000.
Kagan Recieves More Support
Conservative friends rise in support of Reagan. "I'm sorry, that should be "Kagan".
UFO Demand That Law Be Changed
Illegal aliens in space ships buzz Arizona over recent law passage.
The 52nd Street Church In Boise Goes Independent
Episcopal church in LA to ordain 2nd gay bishop. Another group splits from Church, now totaling nearly 1,000 splinter groups.
Militants kidnap about 60 in Pakistan tribal area. Then militants kidnapped by Taliban. Al-Qaeda threaten to kidnap Taliban.
Teacher Apologizes, Hands Over All Worldly Goods
Teacher apologizes for recorded beating of student. Says she confused other class on self-defense.
Thais Are Not Binding
Clashes, blasts for 3rd day in banged Besieged Cock...that should be, besieged Bangkok.
Happiness Is A Peacock Feather
Scientist tickled with a peacock feather by Dalai Lama studies happiness.
Law & Order Canceled By NBC
Case closed: 'Law & Order' is canceled by NBC. To be replaced by "Complete Chaos".
Mixed Signals Confuse Party
AP-GfK Poll flashes mixed signals for parties. Many don't know if they are to "Get Down!" or "Shake Their Booty!"
Survivor On The Way Home
Dutch survivor of Libyan jet crash leaves for home. Asks not to be flown on another Libyan jet.
Big Bird Too Big To Fail!
President Obama pushes passage of Sesame Street reform bill.
Chheks Look Like Groundhogs
BP works on another attempt to plug oil leak as over 100 workers chaw down on Wintergreen mint tobacco plugs.
Why Does Your Badge Say "RawMart"?
Police: Watch out for unlicensed salesmen, as many have been wandering stores dressed as employees.
100 John Boats Spotted Near Nashville
Farmers in area of the south can get flooding aid if they can somehow make it out.
Jobs Really Needed!
District 6 ballot in western Kentucky is crowded, with 42 candidates running for dog catcher.
"We Mean You No Harm!"
Topura to add jobs, space as first tourists land from Topura to study the earth, its inhabits.
Investing In The Future
Leading economist recommends that before seeking out the best ways to prepare for the future, always factor in the fact that there might not be any if terrorists get nuclear weapons. "Just a thought.'
Chef After Homeless
Police: TV chef solicited homeless in big black pot. I'm sorry, that should have been "murder plot".
Economy Worsens #2
Trichet: economy in deepest crisis since WWII. A fair & limited exchange of weapons could help level playing field, help population control. "With half the people, we would all be twice as rich."
Trichet: Economy Worsens
Trichet: economy in deepest crisis since WWII. Recommends the building of new war machines. "It worked before."
Teacher apologizes for recorded beating of student. "I'm sorry they recorded that."
Miley Cyrus is Pregnant and Dad is Ok With It
Days after the video hit of Miley Cyrus grinding the lap of her producer, she announced she was pregnant with another man's child. Billy Ray reportedly ok with it. "It's what people her age do."
"Oh Lama! Lama! Lama!"
Scientist inspired by Dalai Lama studies happiness, new legal marijuana meds.
Scientist Inspired By Dalai Lama
Scientist inspired by Dalai Lama studies happiness, his big toe.
Law & Order Canceled #2
Case closed: 'Law & Order' is canceled by NBC. Also, the President of Thailand cancels Law & Order there.
Law & Order Canceled!
Case closed: 'Law & Order' is canceled by NBC. "We simply have too many good shows in the wings", states CEO...with a straight face.
Teen Completes Global Trip #2
Australian teen completes round-the-world sail. Nearly fell off the edge of the world twice, encountered three giant sea monsters.
Teen Completes Round-The-World Trip
Australian teen completes round-the-world sail. Reports seeing strange island in a mist with what looked like a giant gorilla.
Obama Solutions Worse Than BP?
Obama pushes passage of Wall Street reform bill. Wall Street Czars set to walk the floors, yell prices at random.
BP Still Trying #2
BP works on another attempt to plug oil leak. This time they plan to use giant oil pipe barnacles imported from Nigeris.
BP Tries Again
BP works on another attempt to plug oil leak. This time they plan to use Oil-Mites imported from Nigeria.
Liverpool Burglary Latest
Police investigating a burglary at Liverpool FC's Anfield stadium say nothing was taken from the trophy cabinet.
Next Step for Gulf Leaking Oil Fiasco: Throw Garbage Down the Hole & Pray
BP to try stopping up spewing hole with used diapers, unrecycled plastics, dead bank cards, golf balls, congressmen and other garbage. Operation to be followed by fervent prayers of BP stockholders.
Vote to Limit Debit Card Fees Pisses Off Bank Pirates
US banking industry to adopt the skull-and-crossbones icon for their billion-a-day PR campaign. Bankers revive practices of keel-hauling and walking the plank in anticipation of Senate thumbs-up vote.
A Real Coronation's Treat
Lesbians to put on special show in Rover's Return. Hot pot back on the menu.
Clinton Vague On Hague
Hilary Clinton has upset many/some/no British people by laughing out loud when she met new UK Foreign Secretary William Hague to discuss the war in Afghanistan. "He looked like such a putz", she said.
Jupiter's Bands Disappearing
Peaches Geldof said to be following in her father's footsteps and organizing live Band Aid to get them back.
Angry Obama Trying To Blame Everyone Else For Oil Leak!
Angry Obama seeks to deflect blame for Gulf oil spill crisis but is told "The Muck Stops Here!"
Jupiter Loses its Southern Band
They just weren't into playing Skynard that much anymore.
Jupiter Loses One of its Bands
Astronomers say it may be due to a high GaGa sounding frequency in its atmosphere.
Pointed Out Culprits
President Obama pointed out today that there is entirely too much finger-pointing going on.
"Sounded Like A Siren! I Thought Uncle Elmo Had Died!"
Two more neighborhood cats announce their planned elopement in the middle of the night.
100% Discounting Harold
Brussel sprouts wins best taste test over pile of shit for 120th straight year.
Lettuce recalled in 23 states due to E. Coli outbreak...you quit reading after I said 'lettuce' didn't you, Tubby?
Lots Of Boycotting Going On
California may vote to boycott Arizona. Arizona's response: Texas To boycott California. Arkansas to boycott New Hampshire. "We drew their names from a hat."
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