Spoof news snippets from Friday 14 May 2010
Crowe Flies
Russell Crowe curses, storms out of interview in ROBIN HOOD 'accent' jibe: "We didn't know Robin was Cockney before this movie."
Judge Unseals Affidavit
Judge orders unsealing of affidavit in iPhone raid..."Now can anybody read this shit?"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #10
Horsen Beans appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "The Sound Broke Silence" (By Appalled Simon & Fart Pullfinger)
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #9
Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "The Answer To The Bends, Is Blowing In The Wind"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #8
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "Brown Haze Is In The Air"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #7
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show ""Beaver Lifter Alone!"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #6
Horsen Beans, Betty White appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show? "She Was An Air Flapper, Backdoor Trumpet, Yeah!"
Halliburton Blames Employee Outsourcing Company for Oil Spill Debaucle
Shit continues to roll downstream as Halliburton now blames a temporary employee outsourcing agency for supplying it with unqualified employees for the initial building project.
US Government Scientists Come up with Oil Spill Solution
Encase the oil company executives in concrete and shoot them through a tube to plug the spill.
"Sounds Like That Fish On Sesame Street"
One of President Obama's advisers stated today that he thought that Halliburton had exploited loopholes to hide its performance in Iraq. The President was quick to respond: "What's a Halliburton?"
Look Me In The Eye, Not The Sky!
President Obama stated today in his twice-daily broadcast that since he was for change & that nothing he had done had worked so far, "I've decided to change once again & become a mortal."
Bangkok in flames as star Spoofer Monkey Woods "legs it"
The revolution in Bangkok has caused star Spoofer, Monkey Woods, to leg it out of town, he was actually having a bit of fun in the red-light zone at the time, hopefully he's still got his pants on!
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #5
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "These Toots Were Made For Talking"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #4
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "Brown-Eye's Swirl"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #3
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "Blow Hole, It's Off To Work We Go!"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes #2
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "Blowing Silent Kisses"
Horsen Beans Favorite Themes
Long time quiz show panelist, Horsen Beans, appeared on Oprah today, who had an old Quiz Show Reunion. Beans revealed that his favorite theme music for a show was "Gunning Against The Wind"
Cloned Our Cloning Procedure
The Scottish scientists who first cloned Dolly the sheep has accused the scientists who cloned the cat of stealing their procedures. "He's nothing but a copycat", the insist.
Pelosi Listeners Never The Same Afterwards
In an interview with Donald Rumsfeld on CNN late night, he stated that most prisoners who refused to give information about where Bin Laden was hiding preferred waterboarding to Nancy Pelosi speeches.
Wise Men Say Only Fools Rush In
...but I can't hep falling in love with you...
Local Cop is Getting Too Old For This Shit
Elderly local policeman Paddy Plod has an anal infection that means his excrement dries rapidly upon exit from his rectum.
Archbishop Desmond Tutu Gets a Tattoo and a Toupe
He made his first appearance with his new style while attending a concert by faux lesbian Russian act Tatu in Tahiti.
Nelson Mandela Arrested
...by the Fashion police.
It appears he had worn one too many of those awful, garishly patterned shirts.
Monopoly Town Wont Accept Real Money
Real-world customers trying to buy little silver cars, trains or buildings with normal cash are arrested.
Occasionally some are given a 'Get out of Jail' card and told to f*ck off back home.
Local Man Sells Sole to the Devil
Local fishmonger Kevin Prickface had a celebrity customer yesterday - the Devil!
"I sold him a nice piece of sole for his supper", he said.
Local Woman Arrested For Taking Pictures of Her Pussy
Her cat Trixie had taken an injunction out against its owner preventing unauthorized photographs being taken.
Something Just Like That At St. Mary Meade
Miss Jane Marple informs BP that, since the big box didn't work to stem flow of oil because it developed ice, couldn't you send down big block of ice?
Second "Relief" Well In Gulf May Leak Too
Golf balls, old tires, an upside down funnel and a second relief well are apparently all methods BP is using to allow a 200,000 gallon-a-day leak to continue flowing.
Bird Watchers
Majestic Blue Herons nest in Ohio, while the regular Blue Herons nest in Trailer park in Arkansas.
Clues About The Blues
Clues about postpartum depression: "First of all, they usually set in AFTER the child has been born", says specialist.
3 Discovered In Plot!
Three from Pakistan arrested in NYC plot! Apparently they were trying to hide below coffin.
Down By The Oil Gulf Stream
BP to try pipe insertion of CEO today to stem oil gushing into Gulf.
Violence In Thailand
More violence in Bangkok, Thailand as Demonstrators really Thai one on!
Top Nudist's Movies #47
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "All's Quite Beautiful On The Western Front".
Top Nudist's Movie #46
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The Goods, The Broads And The Jiggly"
Top Nudist's Movie #45
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The Biggie Parade"
Top Nudist's Movie #44
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Pride Of Frankenstein"
Top Nudist's Movie #43
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Love At First, Second, Third Sight"
Top Nudist's Movie #42
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Titty Lights"
Sam & Dave
British newspapers run old photos of David and Samantha back when they were known as Sam & Dave and sang "I'm A Soul Man".
'Non-Dom Speaks Out'
Conservative Sugar Daddy Lord Ashcroft stays True Blue in face of Clegg & Cameron fling. "The boys can go as Con-Dem as they like,' Ashcroft told friends, "but I'll never be a Non-Con-Dom"
Evidence that Acne Causes Puberty
Scientists now believe hormones contained in pimples cause puberty.
"Death By Drone, She Wrote"
DEATH BY DRONE: Controversy after CIA authorized to kill U.S. citizen, apparently the founder of the Tea Bag Party. Instead, it hits founder of Flea Bag Party!
Hatch Of The Day!
Hatch of the day: Rare chicken-guinea fowl hybrid has FOUR wings, ten peckers!
Cheese Good For Elderly
Piece of cheese each day 'helps protect the immune system of the elderly' "That's fine", says 85-year-old. "But how do we shit?"
Man Finally Quits Smoking
'I lit a cigarette and my house exploded': Gas blast survivor tells of miracle escape after he was blown out of his home & how he gave up smoking, once clothes fire beaten out.
Laura Supported Gay Marriage
Laura Bush: I secretly supported abortion and gay marriage - even though my husband did not, admits former First Hypocrite.
Slow Day In Britain
Supermarket staff told a customer he could not buy a bunch of flowers for his daughters because they were 'out of date.'... Look, a willow warbler! Slow day for news in Britain.
"Prime Minister! Prime Minister!"
"Prime Minister? Oh that's me!" Cameron visits Scotland as he reveals he's still getting his head around being in charge. "That's why I say it to myself all the time."
Top Nudist's Movie #41
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Some Like It A Lot!"
Top Nudist's Movie #40
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "High Soon"
Top Nudist's Movie #39
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "An American In Paradise"
Top Nudist's Movie #38
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Strangers With Eye Strain"
Top Nudist's Movies #37
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "Everyone's About Eve"
Top Nudist's Movies #36
The Motion Picture Association releases all-time hit movie classics at nation's nudist colonies, including "The African Seen"
Russians Believe Bribery Works
Half of Russians believe bribery solves "problems". "Of course, we're only basing this on the past 1,000 years", says head of study.
Volcano Threatens Tourism
Icelandic volcano threatens European summer of ass. I'm sorry, that should have been "ash".
New Security On Facebook
Facebook rolling out new security features as faces will be cartoon versions, everybody listed as 50-years-old.
Proof Of Evolution
Experts: Feathers too weak for early bird flight. That's why we have no birds today.
Oil Prices Down
Oil falls near $73 amid signs demand may slacken. "Can't compete with all that free stuff in the gulf", says OPEC.
Living Cheaper!
Swipe this card; shopping could be cheaper...according to whose card you swiped.
Texas Honors Cronkite
Univ. of Texas exhibit showcases Walter Cronkite career "and that's the way it is, this May 14th, 2010."
Differences In Response
Miss., La. govs contrast in responses to oil spill as Miss Gov order blocking devices placed in front of beaches, La. Gov sends everybody to sports stadium.
Pope's Portugal Trip #3
Pope's Portugal trip a bid to move beyond scandal. Will discuss how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.
Pope In Portugal #2
Pope's Portugal trip a bid to move beyond scandal. Will discuss new type of chastity belts for youth in choirs.
Pope In Portugal
Pope's Portugal trip a bid to move beyond scandal. Will discuss what type of lowers are best for early services.
Why Didn't We Think Of That?
Chinese find use for cigarette butts. "Plenty of tobacco leftover to put together, roll your own", says one smoker.
How Soon We Forget
Friends, family and co-workers show up for tribute to beloved uh, Whats Her Ass!
Horse Very Excited
Schoolyard Dreams comes early for the Preakness! "He was THAT excited", says owner.
"President Kennedy Ish Nuts"
Bill in Congress could limit direct wine shipments as "one million wino stagger" planned for Washington for this summer.
Pirates Release Chemical Tanker #2
Somali pirates release UK-flagged chemical tanker as leader's hook melts, wooden leg catches on fire.
Pirates Release Chemical Tanker
Somali pirates release UK-flagged chemical tanker after leader begins growing an extra head!
No Required Insurance
Small business lobby joining a court challenge to Obama's health care overhaul, arguing that Americans cannot be required to obtain insurance coverage as Tea Party dumps prescriptions into harbor.
No Goals Reached
AP IMPACT: US drug war has met none of its goals after 20 years. Say that this could be the year of the breakthrough!
China Scientists Find Use For Cigarette Butts
Chemical extracts from cigarette butts -so toxic they kill fish -can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. BP may use them to seal oil leak.
We Need Jobs!
Buffalo billboard petitions president for "a freakin' job". President Obama calls Barnum & Bailey Circus immediately.
They Need Fuel
NASA fuels space shuttle Atlantis for final voyage. "You see, these things won't fly without fuel" guide tells tourists watching.
U.S. Seeking Compensation
US seeks $10 million for oil spill legal costs. $100 million for pain and suffering.
Cameron shows his allegiance
David Cameron has given a subtle hint to the Countryside Alliance that he is on their side by appointing Liam Fox and Jeremy Hunt to his cabinet. "It's just a coincidence!" he claimed.
Oprah Declares She's Done With Dieting
Says Oprah, "Heck,I'm so rich, I can buy myself another body and just have my head sewn onto it."
Kagan and Kucinich Share the Same Barber
Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) confirmed the obvious today: He and Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan have the same barber. Kucinich says it will not influence his vote.
Kim Jong-il. ill?
Kim Jong-il's "greet juppin orry turds" had even his own generals afraid that he had lost his mind completely, until nephew tells them "Uncle watched Yosemite Sam lass night".
Airlines Trying Everything
Furnishing a clown on each airplane for kids not working out for American Airlines. "It was a pie in the sky idea, anyway," says Captain.
Not A Lapdog
"Sirs, I am not President Barack Obama's lapdog, barked Elena Kagan before a committee yesterday.
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #9
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "It's My Party & I'll Fry Who I Want To"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #8
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "Fry, Cry, Almost Die!"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #7
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "Wham Bam! Who Shocked Sam?"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #6
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "Hey Dude, (I've Shit My Pants)"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #5
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "She'll Have Stun, Stun, Stunned Till Her Daddy Takes The Taser Away!"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #4
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes country hit, "We Went Out Sparking Together!"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #3
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "Down By The Liver, I Shot My Baby"
Top Taser/MP3 Songs #2
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "Twitchy Woman"
All-Time Top Taser MP3 Songs
Poll from 2009 of the top Taser MP3 songs includes "Zap Went The String To My Parts"
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