Spoof news snippets from Saturday 6 March 2010
Still Kinda Sexy
Senate Majority Whip Harry Reid admits that he was badly disappointed to learn that the whip was Cool Whip.
Sneaky Republicans
President Obama says that the reason more people are still out of work is to make them look bad before elections later this year.
More Job Opportunities
President, Reid, Pelosi attempt to put more people to work as spin doctors before November.
"I'll Take An Ass, Vanna..Uh..An A"
Vanna White, Pat Sajek to wear only thongs during ratings week, as competition heats up!
Bolivian Volleyball Fans Killed on Roller Coaster
A group of elderly, mentally retarded senior citizen Bolivian volleyball fans were killed in a roller coaster accident just outside of La Paz Bolivia today. Apparently, they all stood up on a turn.
Somali pirates attack iceberg by mistake, fought off by intrepid penguins
Antarctic penguins are notoriously feisty, cranky, after the 10 month winter!
Can't Concentrate
Vice President Joe Biden admits President Obama lost his cool during meeting with Dalai Lama over Tibet's problems. He told him he would listen better if Lama quit levitating.
Always Complained About It To Watson
Old diary found by descendants of Doctor Watson says that Sherlock had a "game foot".
Horse Meat Prices
French say that the price of horse meat ar restaurants have been stable.
Clinton Rushes To Houston
Ex-President Clinton rushes to Houston to see what the excitement is over "piece of ass", learns that it was "a piece of ice" on Mars.
Bush Regrets
Ex-President George Bush says that he wishes now that he had spent more time with Hispanics and learned to speak Hispania.
May Do Commercials
Man from Hannibal, Missouri says he lost 50 pounds eating only McDonald's Ronald.
Naomi Campbell - "the legend begins"
Finally takes up her true calling: kick-boxing. Manager says: "NC is kicking with joy - I needed 22 stitches and I'm her manager".
Penguin Club hauled up at Oxford University
Oxford Dons take their revenge on the Penguin Club for denying them membership.
Representing Himself
John Quincey Happy Ass Wilson asks for death penalty from jury if found guilty of capitol crime.
Florida Expensives Mount
Florida spends over $100,000 on new "Turn Your Left Turn Signal Off" signs!
Obama Losing Popularity Fast
Presidential motorcade diverted on threat of huge crowds with "You Lie!" signs.
Are we flaterred
They say that imitation is the lowest form of flattery. Borrowing for spoofs does that come close?
Someone Has Burglarized An Arkansas KKK Office
The Ku Klux Klan office in Arkadelphia, Arkansas was burglarized. Apparently someone broke into the KKK storage room and made off with 14 boxes of Ohio Blue Tip Kitchen Matches.
Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs?
Well it looks like the recession has finally hit Disneyland. Theme park officials announce that they are having to lay off two of the seven dwarfs. No word yet as to which two.
"Hola, And Welcome To Florida, The Land of El Sol"
It is now official. Due to the large number of Cubans living in Florida, the state has voted to make Spanish the state's official language.
The Mount Formerly Know As Rushmore
There are rumors circulating throughout South Dakota that the state is considering tearing down Mount Rushmore and replacing it with a Super Wal-Mart.
The Rudy Giuliani Traveling Carnival Comes To Town
Ex-Mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani has just published his latest book. It is an autobiography entitled "Stuttering, Lisping, and Acting Like I'm Some Kind of American Hero."
The Ranting and Raving, But Smooth-Skinned Glenn Beck
Glenn Beck has stated that he wants to get more in touch with his feminine side. He has just announced that he will be changing his name to Glenda Becky.
New Sarah Palin Show #15
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Twin Peeks"
Did She Place a Curse?
Britain's grey exodus of over-55s so fed up with crime and weather they want to move abroad. Broad indicates that she doesn't have anything to do with it.
More Body Scans
Airport body scanners spreading across US. Some showing up at Starbucks entrance, Hooters.
Big Night For Woody
Mo'Nique, Harrelson win supporting Spirit honors. Harrelson also sweeps supporting Marijuana honors.
After Advice From Cheney
Kathy Griffin takes aim at Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin focuses night sight, takes aim at Kathy Griffin.
More Blood Needed
Senators, Vampires: Lift ban on gays donating blood!
My Ass Look Fat?
Jeans test claims to show what diet works best. I'm sorry, that should have been "gene" test.
Big Bother Is Here
Waste watchers? UK group fears trash bin spies, small cameras hid in portable potties.
It's Still 100% Probable
Researchers reassert that impact killed dinosaurs, for the 10,000 day in a row.
Obama: No More Beer Conferences
Methane seen as growing climate risk as more and more families have turned to beans due to economy.
No Help For Greece
Merkel: No financial help for Greece. Greece declares war on Germany!
Doom! Gloom! Doom!
Congressional estimates show grim deficit picture. "Shut up and pass my costly health bill anyway!"
Massa Resigns
Massa, facing harassment complaint, resigns. "Republican would have kicked my ass in November anyway."
Gore: Exactly As Predicted.
Upper Midwest braces for severe spring flooding following record snowfall from global warming,
Fair Is Fair!
Va. AG: Colleges can't ban gay discrimination. Report: Gays have just as much right to discriminate as anyone else.
Sounded Like Gunfire
Witness heard 'pop' as Pentagon shooting began. Then a "bang bang! Finally a pop bang pop bang boom pop."
Iceland Delays Payments
Iceland braces for consequences of Icesave vote as they plan on putting owed debt on ice for awhile.
Taleban Deputy Found?
Leading Pakistani Taliban deputy believed killed as body found identified as one Mohammed Fife!
"Ding Dong, The Dinosaurs Are Dead!"
It's official: An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs. Cave drawings show people dancing around the campfires.
Dinosaurs Destroyed By Asteroid
It's official: An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs. "Also so ruined Friday night poker game", say writings on cave wall.
Now It's Official
It's official: An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs as old diary of Barney Rubble discovered in cave.
Obama/Gore Clash!
Obama turns up the heat for health care overhaul. Gets stern warning from Al Gore over the heat!
Neighbors Didn't Know Shooter
Pentagon shooter little known by neighbors. "All that screaming and head-spinning sort of put us off", says neighbor across the road.
Shooter Little Known
Pentagon shooter little known by neighbors. "But he did stop and ask our dog for advice pretty often", states one.
Pentagon Shooter Little Known
Pentagon shooter little known by neighbors. "Hard to visit with all those bullets flying every which way", says guy next door.
Or Somebody Bad, Anyway!
Leading Pakistani Taliban deputy's second cousin, twice removed, believed killed by drone.
New Alice Production
Christian Academy puts on 'Alice in Wonderland' today. Leaves out obviously drugged caterpillar.
Senator To Use Keys?
President to meet with key senators on immigration. "Use those keys to lock our doors until our own people get jobs", says Obama.
Speech Had Sugar Coating
A new congressional report released Friday says the US' long-term fiscal woes are even worse than predicted by President Obama's grim budget submission last month. Still asking for more funding,
One Month Recovery Does Help Some
Recovery? Great. But where are the jobs, Mr. President?
Sexual Assault?
Steelers QB accused of sexual assault in Georgia, and this time it's not Terry Bradshaw and one of his ex-wives.
Ever Really Look At Yor Big Toes?
Happy People Talk More, and With More Substance. Especially with more smoking substance.
Happy People With More Substance.
Happy People Talk More, and With More Substance! Especially with more liquid substance, ole buddy ole palsy wowsy!
Probably One Or The Other
Obesity: How Intestinal Bacteria May Cause Weight Gain. Or it could be those triple burgers with big fries and shake daily.
Some Close Calls
Cruise travelers tell of deadly waves off Spain. Huge sea creatures and almost falling off the edge of the earth.
Off limits
As spoof writers go to town on him the Home Secretary tells them in the name of decency Jon Veneables is off limits
Who Pays For Programs?
Leaked documents show that democrats using scare tactics to keep public's mind on global warming while their hands are in your pockets.
Leaked Documents
Leaked documents reveal GOP plan to use scare tactics to raise money. Planned to wear disguises, hold up trains, stagecoaches.
Mental Illness
Pentagon shooter had a history of mental illness. So does Pentagon for that matter.
The Damn Dude Ranch Has To Close Down
A dude ranch in Montana has had to close down because it has run out of dudes.
Japan Is Recalling 2.6 Million Chop Sticks
Japan has just announced a massive recall on chop sticks. It seems that 2.6 million pairs of chop sticks were manufactured backwards.
The Brett Favre Do I Retire Or Not Question
Brett Favre has confided to a close friend that he wants to retire but says that he is tired of crying like a little baby.
The End of Girl Scout Cookies In Belguim
The Girl Scout Organization of Belgium has announced that instead of selling boxes of Girl Scout cookies, next year they will be selling boxes of Brussels sprouts.
The San Francisco Dick Society's 2010 Biggest Dick In America Winner
The San Francisco Dick Society has just named Dick Cheney as its 2010 Biggest Dick in America recipient.
"Met Office drops long-term weather forecasts
after fiasco of 'barbecue' summer and 'mild' winter"
An Asteroid Did It, Killed Off the Dinosaurs
Mystery fan comments, "Gosh, I thought the butler did it."
Spinach Dip Recalled, May Be Contaminated with Salmonella
Popeye suffers a panic attack.
Man Bites Off Ear of Another Man During Argument
The perp's defense: "He never listens and has no need for even one ear, much less two of them."
Children who Directed Air Traffic at JFK Airport Threaten Lawsuit . . .
. . . If they are not paid union-scale pay for their shifts
New Sarah Palin Show #14
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Brown Murphys"
New Sarah Palin Show #13
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Amazing(Dog)Race"
New Sarah Palin Show #12
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Dancing With The Bars"
Sarah Palin Gets New Show #11
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "American Midol"
New Sarah Palin Show #10
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "SpongeBath NoPants"
New Sarah Palin Show #9
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Flash(Lean)Forward!"
New Sarah Palin Show #8
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "The Big Tang Theory"
New Sarah Palin Show #7
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "The Simpletons"
New Sarah Palin Show #6
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "The Vampire Dairies"
New Sarah Palin Show #5
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Boners"
New Sarah Palin Show #4
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Desperate Former Governors"
New Sarah Palin Show #3
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Mallville!"
New Sarah Palin Show #2
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Little House Across From Russia"
New Sarah Palin Show!
Sarah Palin, VP candidate for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential election has agreed to do a show on Fox this fall entitled: "Selected Shorts"
Where are my glasses?!
A Canadian man has just completed the world's longest walk, having just circumnavigated his house a record 122,784 times in 15 months 21 days. He originally was looking for his reading glasses. Yeah!!
Ethel the frog goes quantity surveying
Chicago, Illinois. Supporters of Barack Obama have burnt effigies of the US President in protest at his decision to revise his health care plan. Many people are predicting violence in the streets.
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