Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 30 March 2010
Your New Chinese Neighbors
With the plunging of real estate prices plunging, China purchasing more property in the US. The Plan: If they purchase enough property they will never bomb it.
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#8 Getting up on the right side of the bed?
Some Progress in Iraq
Although there haven't been nearly as many suicide bombers over the past six months, Iraqi leaders still say that things there are a little "dicey".
Named Them Beep, Beep Beep & Beep, Beep ,beep!
World's Oldest Woman becomes the world's oldest woman to give birth to triplets.
Fill A Buster Time
Republicans in Massachusetts cannot stop same sex marriages, now stall bill on same-sex bridal showers, honeymoons.
Lohan Dating Anything In Pants
SpongeBob Squarepants himself spotted with Lindsay Lohan at Big & Square Store. "Ohhh, does he give baths", sighs Lohan to reporters.
New Sing Sing Museum
New Museum proposed at Sing Sing Prison will feature children's swings on rebuilt scaffolding.
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #10
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Emperor's Ho's"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #9
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Elvis & The Shoemaker"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #8
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Holdin' Ass"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #7
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "Cindyfellow"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #6
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "A Christmas Barrel"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #5
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Enchanted Tubesteak"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #4
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "Beatty & The Cajun Beasts"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales #3
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "The Bareskin"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "Goldilocks & The Three Beers"
Lesser Known Fairy Tales
Vault in Europe reveals several very old books including some lesser known fairy tales such as "OJ & The Forty Thieves"
Battle
Teacher: "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden slain?"
Pupil: "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."
Makes Sense
Shortly after Thanksgiving someone asked littly Johnny to define the word appetite. He replied,
"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight-that's appetite!"
Man sentenced to nine months for having 2 wives
A Welshman was sentenced to nine months in prison for having 2 wives. He believes that the sentence is 'excessively harsh' because he now has to put up with 2 mother-in-laws.
Cracks appear in Google China
Internet search engine giant, Google are considering replacing their china with Tupperware after cracks appeared in it today.
Let My Pupils Go
Biggel & Tinker's Circus are making Pyjamas, the "Clothes-Horse", who has entertained children for half a century, redundant. Pyjamasis no longer relevant, said circus owner Billy Biggel. "Nobody knows what a clothes-horse is any more."
Time is an Antelope
For Aries, an episode of yearning, possibly involving pumpkins, is indicated. Sagittarians are advised to buy cod rather than sell it. If you are a Libran who owns a posset-pot, don't let a Singalese Chef breathe on it.
Toyota Excuses!
Police across the country are reporting that Toyota drivers now think they have a free pass to drive really fast. "It ron away wiff me, Occifer. Got mi drunked moved sho fast."
Fashion Tips
Don't forget to remember that you should forget about not having to recall last night's insults. This is not the time to put away misgivings and regrets: they still have their uses.
Teacher Drunk
Report from a teacher in southern California said that she was so drunk, she forgot which student she was dating.
Is Rush Back on the Pills?
During one of his rants on the radio last week, Rush Limbaugh cried out "Lederhosen," then fell into a heap on the floor.
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#6 About re-upping my lease on life?
Chimneys Back in Fashion
In the Memorial Collection of Herge Dumpfelmaus, the late avant-garde craft manual author, are: The Waterproofing of Sheep, Eel Training for Beginners and Look at Them Go: A Love Affair with Granite Erratics.
Sheep Trade Slow
Let us not forget the late lamented Percy Flage, inventor of the disposable kettle, transparent paint for glass, the direction indicator light for Bishops, miniature walls for dwarfs, and concentrated mineral water.
WI News
Canterford with Lully welcomed Mayor of Canterford Abelard Siskin, who gave a talk on the new Erskine Memorial Gardens and explained that nobody has yet found out who Erskine was. Mrs Bungo's rhubarb and nitrogen cordial woke everyone up.
Ponder Awhile
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Easter - Last year I spent 5 hours in a shop failing to choose a new armchair. It was a real Easter Seater Teaser. Anagrams can be so instructive. They image reality's reflexiveness.
Obscurantism Rife in Norway
The audience at Silent Bugler Adelbert Greubelberger's Oslo performance of Bach Preludes were generally baffled. When Greubelberger stormed off, some continued to listen hard, thinking it was part of the performance.
Need To See A Surgeon!
Chaz Bono is asking a judge to formally change his name and gender. Judge grants name change but says changing his sex is out of his line of work.
Gore In NYC
Al Gore on visit to New York City to address the UN on global warming, water-ballooned! Now claims the sky is falling.
Something To Call Home About
Hillbillies from Louisiana catch little green men out from saucer, nearly probe them to death.
US Population Growth
Early census reports that the United states has grown 15% since 2000 census. Same number of people, but they are 15% bigger.
Adopted Highway Too Much For Couple
Arkansas couple who had adopted state highway section say they are giving it up. "We told it last night to go it's own way."
Back To Normal
Palestinians and Israelis back on familiar war footing. "The kids get really bored throwing rocks at cats all day."
Paris Hilton Movie #39
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Bedknobs, Broomsticks & Bananas"
Paris Hilton Movie #38
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Shaft"
Paris Hilton Movie #37
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Invasion Of The Booty Snatchers"
Paris Hilton Movie #36
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Blondhi"
Paris Hilton Movie #35
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Naked Buns"
Paris Hilton Movie #34
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Feel Dill!"
Paris Hilton Movie #33
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Big!.....Bigger Still!"
Paris Hilton Movie #32
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Fanny Pawed"
Paris Hilton Movie #31
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Face Balls"
Paris Hilton Movie #30
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Lord Of The Dings!"
Paris Hilton Movie #29
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Blazing Paddles"
Paris Hilton Movie #28
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Rear Hunter".
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#4 Complaints about the liver-only option for lunch on Tuesdays?
Who is GAY, Latin crap pop singer, "SO WHAT" say's Boy George !
A Latino heart-throb has come out and Boy George knew all the time, in fact George admitted, "he's got great buttocks and I should know, Ducky?!
Who Do I See Around Here About:
#2 Getting my panties OUT of a bunch?
Sir Alex promise to pull the Bayern players"Lederhosens" down and smack their bums!
So convinced of a result against Bayern, Sir Alex has decided to annoy them even more by promising to pull down the LEDERHOSENS of their players and smack their bums, an ancient Bavarian tradition
Cops Let Suspect Stew
Local police have allowed suspected shoplifter Norbert Hollingsworth enter a cooking competition.
Local Man Cracks His Nuts
Local man Billy Turnip fell off a ladder onto his prize-winning collection of walnuts.
He also dislocated his testicles.
Local Police Chief Gets Hard On Crime
Commissioner Gordon has admitted that he has an erection every time he reads about petty thefts and burglaries.
"Its true. I'm a very naughty boy!", he said.
Local Man Cheats Death
Local man Tom Brumbles has been accused of conning the Grim Reaper out of his pocket money.
"He told me my fly was open and when I looked down he made off with the money I intended to buy sweets with", sobbed Mr. Death.
Page 4,880
New health care program apparently includes the right to call President Obama an *********!
Whoops
"I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
Companion, "I can easily find out by asking her, she's my wife."
Vermont
The people live long lives in Vermont.
There are two men there so old that they have forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive who can remember it for them.
An Opinion
A tipsy Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing by, was asked by a passerby, "who was dead."
"I can't exactly say, sir," came the reply, "but I presume it's the gentleman in the coffin."
Racing News
The only pet-like objet kept by Peter Cushing, the late actor, was what he called " my imagined mulatto". He never told anyone where he kept it and it was never discovered after he died. The search goes on.
Craze Sweeps Celebrity-Land
...and David Dickinson has an imaginary flock of Jacob's Sheep in his medicine cabinet. Former child soprano Aled Jones keeps a phantom sloth lemur in his escritoire.
Tulips From Amsterdam
Dr Frankenstein smiled as he witnessed the wedding of his monster and bride of Frankenstein. "They were made for each other", he sighed.
Bidder Had The Munchies
Grilled cheese sandwich with the image of former president, George Bush, sells on eBay for $4.
US, NATO, Russia Aim 2,000 Nuclear Warheads
NASA informs Pentagon to go to red alert as asteroid seen hiding behind the moon. Experts believe that pissed off Pluto helped hide it earlier.
Amazing Facts!
A new $500,000 study says that there are more people using the internet than at any time in recorded history.
Nigerian Charities Up
Record donations have been reported by Nigerian charities, especially, "Help The Nigerian Make A Million".
It's All In The Game
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke stated this morning that he's seeing an upswing in the economy. However, he also stated that he had forgotten to keep his head down and sliced to the right.
Paris Hilton Movie #27
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Manchurian Bedmate"
Paris Hilton Movie #26
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Sixth Gent!"
Paris Hilton Movie #25
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "There Will Be Mud!"
US President Orders NASA to improve Japanese products
Said Obama aide: "We want everyone to drive reliable hybrid cars". No mention of American hybrid cars.
Scientists discover that elephants use all four of their legs
"Just like a human but with four legs." Cost of this research 'finding'? "An arm and a leg".
Farewell to the Arctic bluebottle
April Fools Day = Adios Polar Fly
French Style?
Obama to woo Sarkozy with 'intimate' dinner, 21 female aids to serve, as pair prepare for showdown over Afghanistan.
Pupils Get Home Laptops
School becomes first to hand every single pupil a laptop to use in lessons and at home to download porn.
Unfair Laws!
Christian nurse 'ordered to remove crucifix... at hospital where Muslims were allowed to wear headscarves', Trekkies wear false Vulcan ears!
Can't Afford To Die?
Parties clash over Labour's 'train crash' reforms to social care as health secretary kills off death tax. "Those who couldn't afford to die would fill up the hospitals", says secretary.
Pedaling Posties To End
The end of the pedaling postie: Health and safety fears lead to phasing out of bikes as 50% now only have one ball.
Betting on American Idol accumulator
April Fools Day = Parlays of Idol
Everybody's Losing It
A pet shop owner has been ordered to wear an electronic tag for selling a goldfish to a 14-year-old boy. Police now looking into 'sea monkeys' case.
Just what the Spoof doctor ordered...
April Fools Day = Salad If Poorly
Police Tickled Pink!
'Super-Taser' shotgun bullet that can knock down criminals from 100ft causing them to soil themselves, assessed by Home Office.
Lindsay Lohan and her puffing shoes
'White Puffs of Smoke' emanating from previously sexy Lohan's clogs produces unintended FX special effect on the 'Streets of San Francesco' (errr LA).
Better Lock Your Hummer
British woman stunned to find Romanian immigrant living in her bed. Sorry, that should have been "shed".
Genearl Election warning to government
April Fools Day = Yo! Polls Afraid!
Lagasse Sued!
Tennessee Donkey owners sue Emeril Lagasse for stealing 'Donkey Fazoo' recipe! "His don't even taste like donkey!"
Thrashing around like one of Snow White's dwarfs...
April Fools Day = Flail As Droopy
Paris Hilton Movie #24
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "High Soon!"
Paris Hilton Movie #23
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Cool Hand Cuke"
Paris Hilton Movie #22
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Strangers On A Wayne"
Paris Hilton Movie #21
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Rode Hard!"
Jailed NHS boffin Professor Charles Butler?
April Fools Day = A Disloyal Prof
New Paris Hilton Movie #20
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Mr. Smith Goes To Paris"
Paris Hilton Movie #19
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Unforbidden"
Paris Hilton New Movie #18
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Some Like It Hot, Cold, Whatever, Whenever!"
Tiptoe Thru The Tulips was part of the scam!
April Fools Day = Florid Payolas
Paris Hilton New Movie #17
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "National Lap Poon Vacation"
Paris Hilton's New Movie #16
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Touchables"
Famous North Surrey studio inundated
April Fools Day = Floods Airplay
Both Need The Help
Church issues prayers for confused UK voters. Voters issue prayers for confused Catholic priests.
Fann(y)ing out all over the place...
April Fools Day = Spoof Radially
Paying Their Dues
'American Idol' contestants have long to-do lists, many asses to kiss!
Sounds Kind Of Depressing
Door to afterlife from ancient Egyptian tomb found. "Apparently, Egyptians believed you spent your afterlife in a tomb", states archaeologist.
Afterlife Tomb Found?
Door to afterlife from ancient Egyptian tomb found. Larry King prevented from entering it. "Thought it was the john", states King.
Mercury Shows Off A Bit
Tricky tiny Mercury easier to see in sky for a bit as it doesn't want to meet Pluto's fate.
Math Genius Idiot/Savant?
'Nyet' to $1 million? Math genius may reject award. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
NASA Investigates Toyota
NASA will help probe Toyota acceleration problem. May use it as a special rocket booster!
March Madness Continues In Washington
March Madness continues as Obama tries to pass more socialist programs.
Godzilla Back!
Godzilla gearing up for new big-screen rampage! Opponent this time? George Foreman! "I'll grill that big sucker!"
And What's All This About a Spanish Inquisition?
Catholics find ties to the church tested by crisis just discovered after 1800 years.
Prepare For The Worse!
Europe's largest undersea volcano could disintegrate and unleash a tsunami that would engulf southern Italy "at any time", says prominent vulcanologist. Popemobile fitted with floating devices.
GOP Were At Topless Club
Republicans spent $1,946 at topless club! Democrats say they KNOW they were there because they saw them!
Ricky Martin Gay
Ricky Martin is livin' la vida open, says he's gay as Tweetie Bird!
Seems To Be Working
The world's largest atom smasher has set a record for high-energy collisions by crashing two proton beams at three times more force than ever before. All scientists working on project disappear.
Ricky Martin GAY!
Ricky Martin swished out of the closet and openly declared his gayness. News at 10.
"Snuff Said"
Two people snuff it on "Walk for Life" - one other took snuff, another filmed a snuff, and three others 'checked out' because it was 'their snuff'.
Ricky Martin: Gay As A Barbie Doll
Breaking news tonight from the Beeb...Ricky Martin announced tonight he likes to dance backwards...In other news it was announced that the sky is blue and 2 plus 2 equals 4...
Paris Hilton New movie #15
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Peter Fan"
New Paris Hilton #14
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Hallo-Weenie"
New Paris Hilton Movie #13
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Willie Wanker & The Chocolate Factory"
New Paris Hilton Hilton Movie #12
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Mounting Python & The Holey Tail"
New Paris Hilton Movie #11
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "The Miss Fits".
New Paris Hilton Movie #10
After her former personal hot video, Paris Hilton decides to personally star in updated version of "Forest Hump"
|
| Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun | ||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||||||||||||
Mailing List
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!