Spoof news snippets from Thursday 25 March 2010
Dutch Coffee shop owner jailed for legally selling his illegal/legal drugs illegally or not????
The Dutch are well known for their DOUBLE DUTCH, but this case takes the biscuit; a coffee shop owner has been jailed for illegally selling his legal drugs which are really illegal, but not, GET IT!
Children Could Be Traumatised #14
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'buried in an ant hill up to her head with honey poured on it' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #13
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'killed by a death of a thousand cuts' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #12
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'forced to eat haggis until she exploded' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #11
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'burned at the stake' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
An old bar joke
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
Doctor....
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'
Scotland Out Of All Matches
Scotland's football team are to withdraw from all international competitions next season. A spokesman said: 'We've got no chance of winning - why bother?'
Challenging Test for Murray
Andy Murray is to play a series of warm-up matches against a leaper toad called Bernie.
Mandelson's False Teeth Appeal
Peter Mandelson is appealing to fair-goers to return his false teeth after they fell out while he was on a ferris wheel with his Brazillian lover in Cheltenham, Essex.
One Compromise Worked Out
President Obama today agreed that he will share guarding assignments at all beer conferences in the future equally between the FBI and the CIA.
Map Of Unfaithful Mates
Cheating map of Britain: Almost HALF of spouses in Devon are unfaithful to their partners, reveals shock study. Maps are on sale now to go parade yourself around.
Children May Be Traumatised #10
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'placed in a big pot and cooked and eaten' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Final Conslusion
Experts conclude that the biggest reason more people killed in Bermuda Triangle is that it is the biggest traveling area in the world. Also, Pluto dwells just underneath.
Children May Be Traumatised #9
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'placed in an Iron Maiden' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #8
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'drawn and quartered' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #7
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'thrown into lake outside window to see if she floats' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #6
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'set on fire' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised #5
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'crushed to death as people pile heavy rocks on her' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children Traumatised #4
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'tarred and feathered' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children May Be Traumatised! #3
Children left traumatised after their teacher 'has feet placed in cement and thrown into lake outside school' in 'sick' hoax lesson
Children May Be Traumatised
Children left traumatised after their teacher 'has throat cut and head chopped off' in 'sick' hoax lesson.
Children Traumatised
Children left traumatised after their teacher is 'gunned down in playground' in 'sick' hoax lesson. May crap in pants every time they see a playground, until they are 50!
Darling Gives Advice
'Turn out the lights and don't get sick': Darling ridiculed over £11bn efficiency savings... but he won't cut a single public sector job. 'Refrain from eating!'
Many Feces Thrown!
Hooded and handcuffed: Police parade 'masterminds' behind kidnap of British boy - who are also wanted for 22 murders.
Drunk Leads Victory
Smith drunk at buzzer leads Hawks past Magic, 86-84! I'm sorry, that should be "Smith Dunk!"
Palmer Advises Woods
Palmer thinks Woods should open up.....as closed stance will cause him to pull the ball.
Roadblock Cleared
Smoky Mountains road reopened. Picketing PETA workers, black bears protesters finally cleared out.
Look For The Biggie!
Bigger hospitals may treat some conditions better, see a lot more patients, longtime study shows.
Atop Post
Former Samsung chairman Lee returns to top post after ripping pants on barbwire.
Stock Edges Up
European stocks edge up ahead of EU meeting as cattle want to know what is to become of them.
Gay Discharges Under Scrutiny
Discharging gays to draw more scrutiny in military! Some say sperm is different.
Hoyer Awarded Voter's Special
Hoyer decries talk of reprisals against lawmakers. "I'm sick and tired of stomping out burning sacks of dog shit."
Vote Reprisals
Hoyer decries talk of reprisals against lawmakers as he gets toilet-papered for third night in a real.
Calif. Legalizing Marijuana
California voters could legalize pot in November election. Street dealers rallying "No" vote!
No Greek Bailout Yet
Germany: Greek bailout only as last resort. Asks that wooden horse be taken back to Greece.
Obama Refuses Israeli Leader
Lengthy talks fail to resolve US-Israeli tensions as Obama refuses once again to let Israeli people go..blow up Iran's nuclear weapons.
Reprisals Against Lawmakers
Hoyer decries talk of reprisals against lawmakers. Opponents answer, "At least we still have the freedom to disagree, or do we?"
Lawsuit Settled
Mudd, Towe settle civil lawsuit as Mudd quits yelling insults and Towe throws in the towel.
Animated Characters To Do Replacement Show
Long-running review show "At the Movies" canceled. Like TV, not that much out there anymore.
Libraries Busy
Study: Third of Americans use library computers. Fifth use movie check-outs. One in 250 check out a book to read.
Missed His Birthday
AP sources: A huge Birthday cake awaited suicide bomber. Unfortunately he was unable to attend.
Isle Disappears
Disputed isle in Bay of Bengal disappears into sea, just before two countries go to war over owning it.
New Human Ancester
Possible new human ancestor found in Siberia as it favors Gilbert Gottfried.
New Human Ancester Discovered
Possible new human ancestor found in Siberia. Apparently got lost on his way to Albuquerque.
Are M & M's Next?
Last Chance to Get a Good Look at Mars Until 2012 as candy bars becoming illegal in California too.
All For Peace!
Treaty to cut US-Russia nukes; signing in 2 weeks. They give theirs to Cuba. We give ours to Georgia Republic.
Dems Dealing With Being Dumb
Dems deal with threats over health care support! Will probably be the first to need health care after calls, thrown bricks, etc.
Thanks To Our Lawyers
Senate will have to return health bill to House. Then Obama will have to initial that he has signed the bill, then sign that those ARE his initials. So you see how easy this will be for your health.
This Beagle Went Into A Bar....
Professional dog whisperer causes dog to giggle out loud.
See! See There!
Military says confessions during water boarding prisoners could lead to the cure for the common cold, baldness!
Global Warming? #12
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: The Florida Marlins moving to become the Alaskan Angelfish.
Global Warming? #11
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: All those people hanging around Hillary all of a sudden.
Global Warming? #10
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Members of the Polar Bear Club change their name to the Polar Bare Club when jumping into water up north.
The Dictionary
The word Dictionary is, in the Dictionary. If you knew what it meant you wouldn't have to look it up, and if you didn't know what it meant you wouldn't know where to look it up, anyway.
New Record Already
Large Hadron Collider already setting records! Three black holes already spotted just past Pluto by Hubble telescope!
Global Warming? #9
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: People crowding into theaters for cool air, even during the showing of "All About Steve"!
Global Warming #8
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Ben & Jerry's only offering thin milk shakes!
Global Warming #7
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Hot dog vendors in New York City now frying them on the sidewalk.
Global Warming? #6
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: More and more people burning Obama books!
Global Warming? #5
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: North Pole now being held up by an ocean bouy.
Global Warming? #4
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Al Gore now claiming that he invented the refrigerator!
Global Warming? #3
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: People as far north as Siberia beginning conversations with, "Is it hot enough for you?"
Global Warming? #2
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Rap artist Iced Tea is now four foot eight!
Global Warming?
Global Warming expert Al Gore point out new evidence of global warming: Many grandmothers wearing thongs while sitting in their rockers, knitting.
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