Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 2 March 2010
WI News
Middle Lower Upperbury and Upper Middle Lowerbury WIs held a Ben Hur evening in the Pol Pot Memorial Hall, Lower Upper Middlebury. Mrs Gumper's oyster soup went down well. Miss Fippler won best embroidered chariot.
Bishop 'Missing'
Reported missing since Thursday last: The Bishop of Timperley. Described as green-eyed, with mottled verdigris cheeks and spavined knees, he is notable for his rare 'Bakewell Gaiters'. Do not approach.
Grow Your Own Ombudsman
Jessop's Ombudsman Seeding Kits are just the thing for Spring! Just plant in a silty clay loam and water well for pleasing results. Why not have ranked ombudsmen in your front garden?
Service Supper
Former Officers of the Queen's Own Deserters (35th Foot & Mouth) were able to hold their annual St David's Day luncheon as a supper in the Trumpington Yeomanry Officers' Mess, as it had been cleaned up.
Service Luncheon
Former officers of the Queen's Own Deserters (35th Foot & Mouth) were unable to hold their annual St David's Day luncheon in the Trumpington Yeomanry Officers' Mess, as it was far too messy.
SuBo Singing Stones
Susan Boyle to do second Rolling Stone's song for second album. This time it's "Satisfaction".
Where Toyota Has "Lead Foot"
Government Motors (GM) is recalling 1.3 million small cars in North America because of under-inflated tires, one of the things the President warned us against.
Cooking seperates humans from the apes, shame about Gordon Ramsey!
Scientists have proven that only cooking seperates us from our Ape Bretheren, its a shame that Gordon Ramsey has not yet discovered the difference!
"Always Gets A Replay"
Roger Daltrey says "My Generation" not the Who's #1 requested song. "That would be 'The SuBo Wizard'."
"Puff" Not #1 Request
Peter Yarrow says that "Puff" not their most requested song over the years. "We had a lot more for "Old Subo Was A Racehorse".
New Nader Book
Ralph Nader releases his latest book, "A Hitchhikers Guide To Toyotas"!
Quake Hits Iran: U.S. Blamed.
A magnitude 7 earthquake has hit Iran, resulting in millions of casualties and billions of dollars in property damage. The United States has been blamed, and the United Nations is expected to not act.
Three Goldbricks!
Only five gold bricks found in Fort Knox, Kentucky inspection and they were troops.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Corn Flakes to feature porn cartoons on the back of every box.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Toucan Sam will become Two-Tit Samantha, a growing boy's best friend!
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Trix will become Twilights, because teen girls will buy anything with that name on it.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Special K cereal will be marketed as Special Kid, for the teens who ride the short bus.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
The marshmallow moons in Lucky Charms will resemble the type of moon where you pull down your pants, stick your ass out the car window, and honk the horn.
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Expands #33
The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like The Police "Message In A Bottle".
Clinton gobsmacked
Ex Pres. Bill Clinton was put on the spot, yet again, by the press. You can guess the question: His answer, "Susan WHO?" Proving my point that he is the dumbest man on this planet.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Cocoa Krispies boxes will include a free tube of acne cream as their next prize.
Rock & Roll Museum Expands #32
The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like Gordon Lightfoot's Old Cotton Jenny's "Penny".
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Lucky Charms will become "Did you get Lucky?" Charms
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
All Bran replaced by All Bra, with special vitamins for girls who want to improve their bust line.
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Rice Krispies to offer a free condom in each box
Cereal Manufacturers Go After The Teen Market
Cherrios become Cherry-Ohs, with bits of real hymen (so girls remember what it was like to have one and guys can get familiar with the taste).
Obama likes to chill out with a fine smoke, a six-pack, and good company
drinking smoking pals
Two Subo Fans Flee Site Clutching Bibles
Two Subo fans fled from their Subo site. They found out they'd been duped by atheists. When last seen they were clutching bibles. It's reported they have entered the Holierthanallofus Wit.Protec.Prog.
'Keyboard Fingers' and "New Ideas" spurns "New Generation of Spyware"
Secret Service agents read Spoofer's spoofs for ideas
Secret Service Internal Memo
East Anglia University climate hack team observed bugging bottles in Washington, DC liquor stores
Secret Service Report
"Chinese SECs observed driving up/down Con Av, Penns Av, 15th St NW, 17th St NW - tuning into drunken rave parties in the WH hoping to get the 'juice on the President'."
"I spy with my little eye a Chinese"
advanced Bug as in a spy bug or Chinese as in Chinese Take-Out or a combination of the two with the possibility of a Bug in the Chinese.
Kristian Digby put a bag over his head
during conversation with Gordon Brown
Al gore - switches track
he's moved onto 'global warming causes global cool down'.
For Sale:
Spacious one bedroomed apartment, glorious views, wonderful kitchen, body of BBC presenter in front room. Reduced for quick sale.
"Obama warned by doctors to drink less alcohol"
So the check-out line magazine stories about wild drinking parties at the WH are true
Copying Airlines
Wallyworld to begin charging $1.00 entrance fee to big ass customers who block normal people from aisles.
Fart Czar #3
President Obama appoints new Fart Czar to use spray every two hours in public bathrooms.
Met Office Finally works out that we had a cold winter
"Sack them all".
Another Czar #2
President Obama appoints Baby Changing Czar to rush into bathrooms to make sure babies are diapered right.
Subo "First Blood" Begins Filming!
She's back but this time it's personal!
Dog Shit Czar Appointed
President appoints Dog Shit Czar to make sure all animal feces scooped up or heavy government fines will be demanded.
Early Evening, Late Night With Obama
Obama to spell out rebates for energy efficiency. At least three hundred more viewers expected to be bored to death.
O.J.'s Suit Donated
O.J. Simpson's 'acquittal suit' to be donated to Ripley's Believe It Or Not in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.
Marines Retake Iwo Jima
US Marines land on Iwo Jima to mark anniversary. Each receive a brand new Toyota Camry.
Dishonesty In The Dark
Darkness Begets Dishonesty, Study Finds, as lights get dimmer in Senate, House and White House!
Gangs #15
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as dozens fall off Mount Rainer.
Gang #14
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as hundreds deported from The Worselands in South Dakota.
Gangs #13
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as many discovered skinning dipping in Crater Lake.
Gangs #12
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as all four presidents on Mount Rushmore puffing on Marijuana trees.
Surge In Cocaine Use Prompts Medical Review
Doctors say it's really good shit.
Gangs #11
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as park rangers find hundreds stoned in Yellowstone.
Gangs #10
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as big pink mammoths spotted in Mammoth Cave!
Gang #9
Drug gangs taking over US public lands. Yosemite Sam apparently using new 'suffering succotash' recipe!
Gangs #8
Drug gangs taking over US public lands! Park rangers say that many found higher than the Redwoods.
Gangs #7
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as overdose cases, gang wars start to fill up Death Valley.
Gangs #6
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as Hot Springs now 10% Meth.
Gangs #5
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as Petrified Forest beginning to mellow a bit.
Gangs #4
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as Grand Canyon filled with old needles.
Gangs #3
Drug gangs taking over US public lands. Marijuana smoke coming out of Washington, Lincoln's Noses at Mount Rushmore.
Gangs #2
Drug gangs taking over US public lands. Really freaking out over painted desert!
Gangs Taken Over Parks?
Drug gangs taking over US public lands as the Great Smoky Mountains getting even smokier!
Not All Bad News
Tsunami apparently swept away fleeing Geraldo Rivera rushed to Chile To Cover Quake!
Is It 'Spring Forward' Already?
Hello again to Jay Leno, back as 'Tonight' host, from callers. Audience came and left hour and a half before.
Some Positive News
US daredevil smashes Harley-Davidson jump record, right over the sharks.
Consumer Group Sues Everybody They Can Think Of
Consumer group sues insurer over policy changes, canning factory for using smaller cans, cereal factory over smaller packages.
But Shoot Anything Else That Moves
AP IMPACT: Drug gangs taking over US public lands. Living mostly off poached buffalo.
Who Was That Lone Republican?
Lone Republican Senator blocking a million-plus Americans from receiving unemployment benefits. Leaves a silver bullet to pay a little on new US welfare state.
Lone Senator #2
Lone Republican Senator blocking a million-plus Americans from receiving unemployment benefits. Indian friend blocking building of more Indian casinos.
Lone Senator
Lone Republican Senator blocking a million-plus Americans from receiving unemployment benefits. Dares to ask HOW do we pay for new programs daily.
Ignore The Applicants Also
States may ban credit checks, time in prison on new job applicants.
Global Warming Tragedy
Family suicide over fear of global warming fails to receive apology from Al 'Chicken Little' Gore!
Massive Head, Small Penis
Massive head of pharaoh unearthed in Egypt! Believed to be victim of fake penis head enlargement he had sent for and received in what is now, Nigeria.
90% Taxes Would Do It
President Obama to address UN on how throwing money after everything will fix it.
Obama:Money, Money, Money
Obama to pitch "cash for caulkers" in Georgia, for the next time "The Lights Go Out In Georgia".
Government Recall
GM recalling 1.3 million vehicles over steering problems after importing parts from Tokyo, Japan.
The Future's Bright......
It's not orange anymore. Farewell Dr Paisley. You have shouted your last slogan of hatred.
"US secretary of State says UK and Argentina should talk 'in a peaceful and productive way'"
Gordon Brown orders two nuclear killer subs into waters between the Falklands and Argentina.
Obama finally seals 'nuke peace deal' with Iran
Obama gives green light to shipping half of America's vast nuke arsenal to Iran for recycling in their "baby milk formula" factories.
Weight Watchers Have Question about Fossil Finding that Prehistoric Snakes Ate Baby Dinosaurs
How did the snakes stay so slim?
Heads Up!
Huge red granite head of Amenhotep III dug up in Egypt. More heads to follow?
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary . . .
Who the heck cares how your garden grows.
Mass Hysteria by Subo Fansite Members
Subo would be gobsmacked if she knew how some fans are attacking each other,verbally,on fansites. They're resigning en masse as a result of not being able to laugh on site. Susan loves a good giggle.
SuBo Gangs
You've heard of Biker Gangs showing their colours. Now SuBo fans are showing theirs. Blessed, holier than thou, fanatics are sporting RED. The fun-loving fans of Susan are sporting Purple. And you?
Republican Government
Dem. House Speaker Pelosi has the same relationship with the American people that Louis XVI had with the French people! A Republican Government was established in France following Louis's departure!
Liberals get it wrong about the "Tea Parties"
Air America (defunct), B. Maher, A. Franken & the Democratic liberal left wing Congressional loons created the Tea party movement! Blame yourselves when the door hits you in the arse on the way out!
EPA Issues a New Warning Label
The EPA has issued a single new warning label to aid the American people avoid danger. The label "I'm Bad for Your Health" is to be affixed to House Speaker Pelosi!
Congress Bans Bag Ladies
Congress voted to ban bag ladies & the president will sign the bill. The original bill, sponsored by the EPA, was meant to ban plastic bags. Congress figured they could get two birds with one stone.
Who says President Obama has Done Nothing?
The Obama administration has screwed up the economy, the military, health care, foreign policy, energy and lost the trust of the American public.
Hari Kari American Style
Democratic members of the US House are being asked to take a political bullet for House speaker Pelosi by voting for the Senate Health care bill. This is committing political suicide in November 2010.
Democratic Liberalism Religious Chant
The far left has a chant that goes "ban it, tax it, put a warning label on it and then spend the taxpayer's money on everything else!"
An Old European Proverb Updated
House Speaker Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Reid are Reconciling up a health care reform bill that looks like honey, but smells like s**t!
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Expanding #31
The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like the Beach Boy's "keys to the T-Bird"
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Expanding #30
The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi".
Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Expands #29
The R&R Hall of Fame and Museum has fascinating relics like M. Jackson's "Thriller" mask. Soon it'll have space to showcase less flashy artifacts, like Donovan's "e-lec-tri-cal banana"
"Whole lotta shakin' goin' on" in the Pacific Rim
Okinawa, Chile, blame problems on resurgence of Jerry Lee Lewis recordings.
Court OKs possesion of firearms in national parks
Bright orange vests will be issued at entrance gates to protect park visitors. Snack shops will offer heavily armed toy Smoky the Bears and different calibers of ammunition for
those caught short.
Vatican Holding Sale To Pay Off Clergy Lawsuits #3
Genuine Iron Maiden and body stretcher moved into attic many years ago, believed to have come from Spain.
Vatican Holding Sale To Pay Off Clergy Lawsuits #2
For Auction: 14 rebuilt, just like new, popemobiles. No water damage!
Vatican Holding Sale To Pay Off Clergy Lawsuits
Those included in the auction: over 500 Father Dowling Monk's lunch boxes for field trips.
Obama threatens US security
Said Obama: "I'm putting in place a negative feedback loop - the more I go down in the polls the more nuclear weapons I retire from America's nuclear arsenal".
Usually Caught Them !
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's worst nightmare may be coming true as new book by visiting bagpipe player confirms that Bill would chase anything in a skirt.
Some Jobs Open
Feeniment says there are definitely jobs out there as they have over 100 positions for testers.
No Two Wails About IT!
Ghost Hunters say that the "Old Comfort Inn Buried Over the Sacred Indian Graveyard" definitely haunted.
Black Panthers overwhelmed by white lightning
They should have known better than to drink out of clay jugs with corks and XXs on the sides.
Chilly Willy, King of the Gypsy Penguins heads North on giant iceberg
Everyone knows that penguins have that "wandering urge" and King Chilly is no different. He is taking his large family on another quest for adventure. Expected landing date in North America-2093
Critics Say It's A Blowout!
Kirstie Alley signs to play in ne film about the 1990's White House scandal, "The Big Lewinsky".
Greece - We are Idiots
We listened to Rhodri Morgan - then First Minister of the Welsh Assembly Government.
Factory Explosion #6
Doctors say that all 54 people survived the Bug Spray Factory explosion with only minor injuries. However, they warn that all 54 will sleep on their backs with feet & arms in the air for a month.
Factory Explosion #5
Over 500 people pulled out of beer factory after big explosion there. The factory had employed 75 people. One man pulled out of rubble three different times.
Factory Explosion #4
That big explosion at the Heinz tomato ketchup factory not nearly as bad as first thought. After a clean-up, a dozen ambulances responding to the scene returned empty.
Factory Explosion #3
Super Glue factory explosion leaves 200 workers with their arms glued to their sides, like penguins.
Factory Explosion #2
No one was seriously injured but explosion at Disney World leaves over 300 people acting goofy.
Lincoln's ghost visits Obama in vivid dream
The American President's sleep was disturbed by a vision of the Great Emancipator imploring him to use his freedom and office to bring good to the people and check out a cool bar in downtown D.C.
Factory Explosion
Explosion at plastics factory amazingly leaves no one hurt but over 300 looking like Cher, even the men.
Iceland puts singer Bjork on Ebay for a little extra cash
Country reports no bids yet for the diminutive vocalist.
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