Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 16 March 2010
U.S. Blamed for Earthquake
An earthquake measuring 9.5 on the Richter Scale has struck the coast of Iran. The United States has been blamed.
Burrowing Owl found nesting at
Llanishen reservoir - found its perfect home said local bird watcher.
Rare species of burrowing rabbits
Found at Llanishen Reservoir - this species especially likes to build large burrows in clay.
'Treasure Hunt'
Overheard on a police scanner radio: "Informant says a member of the diamond heist gang buried their multibillion dollar haul in an earth embankment located in north Cardiff."
Pothole Brakes
The Kentucky House of Representative's C B Embry proposed the leaving of the winter potholes the year around. "They'll stop those runaway Toyotas", stated Embry.
Everyone In White House Can Now Sit Again
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has dismissed the idea that US-Israeli relations are in crisis amid a row over Jewish settlers in Arab East Jerusalem. Hemroids immediately disappear.
ABBA to Decide Disputed Raffle Prize
"Our decision will be final", said the band, "and the winner takes it all"
Local Strongman Entertains At Zoo
...he p-p-picks up a penguin
"Huge" Lithuanian assaults female police officer with his "BIG ONE" she hasn't recovered yet!
A female police officer assaulted by a massive Lithuanian DICK is still traumatised by the affair, in fact, she still believes it was her truncheon that was used in the assault and not his DICK!
In Florida, Now The Brake Lights Join Left Turn Signals!
New car stickers now seen on the back bumper of Toyota cars, "I Brake For Nothing Or Nobody!"
Another Runaway
The President of Toyota says that runaway Toyota on TV news the other day proved fine in tests. Ask if anyone knew where it is now!
About Sucked Dry
US Government apparently believes there's a sucker born every second. Trouble is, there's not much left to suck!
Haven't See It Yet
President Obama says there are new jobs just around the corner, but when I looked, there was another corner.
We Demand Our Share!
President Obama has announced this week that he has donated all of his Nobel Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope. (That's got to include the Spoof writers.)
Jose Mourinho returns to Chelsea and has nothing to prove, "lose I win, and win I win, no problem!
"Jose "The Special One" is on a win, win, mission this evening, if he loses he will tell everybody that Chelsea really is his team and if he wins, he takes all. Jose really is the "Sly Special One"
Avoid This Movie #21
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "The Silence Of The Jammed"
Avoid This Movie #20
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Das Poot"
Avoid This Movie #19
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "The Green Pile"
Avoid This Movie #18
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "The Turd Man"
Avoid This Movie #17
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Forest Dump"
Avoid This Movie #16
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "A Puckered Lips, Pile!"
Avoid This Movie #15
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "12 Angry Men, One Commode"
Avoid This Movie #14
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Shitter's List"
Avoid This Movie #13
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Poop Fiction"
Election campaign in hell heats up.
The election campaign in hell began in earnest yesterday when the current lord of darkness urged electorates to stick with him and not some other guy they had no previous knowledge of.
A Little Bit Of This & That!
New panel seeks national standards for education. Bringing back hickory sticks, rulers across knuckles. New for nest year, bullet-proof vests for teachers.
Brits Hardened Criminals
The crime hotspot map where Britain's most hardened criminals live, Newcastle-Upon-Concrete.
Warnings To Parents!
Warning - your child is unfit: Parents of pupils who fail school fitness tests to get letters from Fat Nazis.
Avoid This Movie #12
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "You Got Smell!"
Avoid This Movie #11
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "The Beerfart Hunter"
Avoid This Movie #10
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Leave It To Beaver Bouncer"
Avoid This Movie #9
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Back Draft".
Avoid Thi Movie #8
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "The Color Brown".
Avoid This Movie #7
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Emissions Am Possible".
Second Rock Hall Of Fame?
ABBA, Hollies, Genesis, Iggy Pop enter Rock Hall of Fame. Brewer & Shipley threaten to start their own, One-Hit Wonders Hall of Fame nearby.
Milli Vanilla Blackballed
ABBA, Hollies, Genesis, Iggy Pop enter Rock Hall of Fame. The least votes once again, "Milli Vanilli".
New Rock Fame
ABBA, Hollies, Genesis, Iggy Pop enter Rock Hall. Norman Greenbaum told to leave once again.
More Enter R&R Hall Of Fame
ABBA, Hollies, Genesis, Iggy Pop, enter Rock Hall of Fame as Tiny Tim groupies told once again, "Maybe next year".
Jackson In $200M Recording Deal
AP Source: Jackson in $200M-plus recording deal. But not saying much.
Leaky Bowels?
Leaky bowels could delay space shuttle launch. I'm sorry, that should be, "leaky valves".
Long View After Nuclear Attack Not Appreciated
Obama takes the long view in times of crisis..so that Rahm Emanuel, Pelosi and Reid have time to inform him what to do.
Wavering Dems Being Courted
Wavering Dems in Obama's sights on health vote as Obama promises to help gay representatives.
Israel, US Bicker!
US envoy cancels Mideast trip, Israel feud deepens as White House garden, gardener eaten by locusts.
Another British child kidnapped in India.......
and another and another and another.........
US, Israeli Conflict
US envoy cancels Mideast trip, Israel feud deepens as girls sent home from school with lice!
US, Isreal Problems
US envoy cancels Mideast trip, Israel feud deepens as Obama's mother-in-law turns into a pillar of shit.
Pegleg Pete, Captain Hook
Somali pirates free North Korean chemical tanker as chemicals cause sveral pirates to lose a hand, eye and foot.
The World's Shortest Man Dies Aged 21
The world's shortest man has died at the age of 21 which makes a new record of being the world's shortest-lived, shortest man.
US, Israel Fued
US envoy cancels Mideast trip, Israel feud deepens. President Obama's jawbone turns further into an ass.
California 4.4 Earthquake
Magnitude-4.4 earthquake shakes Southern California. "Bunch of wimps" claims Haiti, Chile.
US Cancels Trip To Israel
US envoy cancels Mideast trip, Israel feud deepens, Frogs invade White House. Obama comes down with big case of Hemroids.
Feds Weighing Higher Rates
Fed Government weighs how and when to signal higher rates, taxes. Ordered to hold off tax bill until after November elections.
Tipper May Have Rabies
More rabies cases seen early in year. Acording to Al Gore..(Tipper:) "Shut Up, Al, Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
Health Care Madness Ready?
Obama health care leaders say they are almost ready to force through bill no one wants, appropriately during "March Madness!"
Still In Denial
Toyota official that dismissed 'Runaway Toyota report' ran over by Toyota.
Toyota Dismisses 'Wive Tales'
Toyota dismisses Calif. man's runaway Prius report, spurious so-called 'attack at Pearl Harbor".
Figi, Nigi Ask For Aid
Fiji declares state of emergency for cyclone aid. So does Nigi, but UN says they are aware that there is no Nigi, just crocked Nigerians.
Belly Moving To The Beat
Babies love a beat, according to a new study that found dancing comes naturally to infants. Some mothers say they think some were dancing BEFORE they were born.
Baby Dance!
Babies love a beat, according to a new study that found dancing comes naturally to infants. Discovery may create another reality TV program, "Dancing With Her Baby".
New Facebook Friends
Break the law and your new 'friend' may be the FBI. May even go by names like 'Fed' or 'Bureau'.
Texas Textbooks Twice As Big!
U.S. history textbooks could soon be flavored heavily with Texas conservatism with 'the Alamo' ahead of WW I and WW II, concluding with 'that Muslim in the White House'.
New Life Discovered
In surprising discovery scientists for the first time found a shrimp-like creature & a jellyfish frolicking beneath a huge Antarctic ice sheet. Al Gore proclaims it's a sign..but Tipper Shuts him up.
Stevens May Retire
Stevens considers retiring from Supreme Court. At 89, Stevens "But I didn't know I was on this court thing, jut that these other 8 old farts were jibber-jabbing a lot."
Stop what you're eating
Reports just in that food makes you fat, food raises your cholesterol, food causes diabetes, food causes heart disease. Don't kill yourself, don't eat food again.
Begorrah! Ignorance is Bliss.
Don't ask, don't tell St. Patrick about your plans for St. Patrick's Day. He'd rather not know.
In light of her separation Kate Winslet asks men to get up to be counted
See supra
Brain Scanners Coming
Brain scanners coming that can read minds. Still won't replace the fun of water boarding, says Dick Cheney.
Brain Scanners
Brain scanners coming that can read minds. Men everywhere preparing the be slapped on a regular basis!
Eating Whale Meat
California Restaurant charged with selling whale meat, especially pink floyd as an aphrodisiac.
Save More Water
Environmentalists and animal rights activists have updated a water conservation slogan to "Save water shower with a friend, a cow, a chicken, some sheep and your dog!"
Pelosi Retiring in 2011
House Speaker Pelosi and George W Bush have settled their differences! Ms. Pelosi will become the head librarian at the GWB library, requiring that she relocates from San Francisco CA to Crawford TX.
John Doe Released from Prison
A 77 year old John Doe was released from prison today. He served 50 years because he refused to buy mandated health care insurance!
Torture?
ACLU sues the CIA for making captured terrorists listen to repetitive TV commercials to get these people to talk.
New Climate Change Study
The latest UN study indicates that by removing Carbon Dioxide (CO2) from the atmosphere, lady's breasts will shrink by two sizes by 2035!
Information on the Internet
The Obama Administration puts the TSA security procedures on the internet, but neglects to put the health care reform negotiations on C-SPAN!
Avoid This Movie #6
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Ragin' Stool!"
Avoid This Movie #5
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "Going Like The Wind!"
Avoid This Movie #4
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "O Bother, Why Fart Thou?"
Avoid This Movie #3
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "An Inconvenient Poot"
Avoid This Movie #2
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "James Bond, Agent 007's Pulled Finger!"
Avoid This Movie
Code red: Doctors say Do Not go see this movie after eating baked beans at school or cookout: "There's Some Kind Of Shit About Mary"
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