Spoof news snippets from Friday 12 March 2010
Seance Summons Michael
Michael Jackson appears at seance. Tells people there that right after he died, he heard, "Welcome to hell, here's your banjo."
Humpless Camel Almost Extinct
Both PETA and Greenpeace say that the next species to become extinct is the humpless camel, unless they can get him to hump.
Global Warming Tipping Point Passed
Global Warming tipping point has already passed, says British study after comparing facts to cows.
Pirates Attacked, Feelings Hurt
Swift Boat Veterans, tiring of following John Kerry around, now attacking Somali pirates. "You call THAT a keel-hauling, you bunch of water wuzzies?"
High Speed Chases End
Los Angeles Police to end high-speed car chases. "Half of them are runaway Toyotas anyway", reports Chief.
Congo Could Be Last Stand If Rockets Fail
Military forces of the Congo say they have a huge rock throwing catapult that could destroy meteor headed for earth.
Mild Setback
NATO forces in Afghanistan suffer setback when entire Afghan police force goes AWOL.
Dolly, By Golly #15
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "When A Girl Goes From Teeny Boopers To Double Whoppers"
Dolly, By Golly #14
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Hills & Dells & Humpback Whales"
Dolly, By Golly #13
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Hooters, Shooters & Bald Commuters"
Dolly, By Golly #12
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Double Chins Between Bobbsey Twins"
Dolly, By Golly #11
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Creamy Naughties From The Double Lattes"
Dolly, By Golly #10
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Party Joys From The Hardy Boys"
Dolly, By Golly #9
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Wonderful Sights From The High Beam Lights"
Dolly, By Golly #8
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "May I Be So Bold As To Remove The Jello Molds?"
Dolly, By Golly #7
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Making Tracks To The Booby Snacks"
Dolly, By Golly #6
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Those Lucky Fellows Beneath Their Beach Umbrellas"
Dolly, By Golly #5
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release about her husband, Jugs An Old Boy With Buddhas Of Joy"
Dolly, By Golly #4
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Elmer Fudds In The Muds"
Dolly, By Golly #3
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Orbs & Gourds"
Dolly By Golly #2
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Jugs Keep It Up".
If There's Any Justice In The World
We won't have to listen to Lemar.
Dolly, By Golly
Dolly Parton may have her first top ten song in many years with her latest release, "Shading Two Dwarfs From The Midday Sun".
Obama Pissed
President Obama has delayed his trip overseas to try to get the health care bill passed. Today he left a meeting looking stonier than a Taliban execution.
BNP is forced to become the BMCNP (British multi-culti Nationalist party)!
Nick Griffin has been forced to accept non-whites into the BNP, now called the BMCNP, Nick doesn't like it much but states, "funds are funds, votes are votes, black or white so who gives a f**k!"
Massa Accused of Groping Lady GaGa...
"Honest to God, I thought it was a dude!"
No Longer On Jeopardy #10
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Potent Petables"
Toyota to install Microsoft Vista in all Ignition Systems
It is said that this will guarantee an end to their cars speeding up for any reason.
No Longer On Jeopardy #9
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Comedians That Made Harvey Korman Laugh On Carol Burnett Show!
No Longer On Jeopardy #8
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Hurricanes: Number Of Deaths Reported!
No Longer On Jeopardy #7
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Things Nobody Give A Crap About!
No Longer On Jeopardy #6
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Scientologists That Jump On The Couch!
No Longer On Jeopardy #5
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Farts That Changed The World!
No Longer On Jeopardy #4
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Name That Putin!
No Longer On Jeopardy #3
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Facts About UFO & Those Aboard
No Longer On Jeopardy #2
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: Britney & Other Celebrities Belonging To MENSA
No Longer On Jeopardy
Famous Jeopardy Categories they have decided to drop, includes: "Tonto's Relatives".
They're Criminals, Not Disodents
Report: 1 in 100 American adults in jail, every single one voted against Obama.
Americans Cutting Back
Consumers cutting back on food, clothing, health care, vacations. Everything but high speed internet.
Economists Talk About Stagflation!
Study: More actuaries and CPA's get sexually excited by the work 'stagflation' than any other.
Obama Calls For Sacrifices
Obama and Rahm say that several more wrist cuts may happen before enough Democrats change mind about health care bill.
Bad Sign!
Reporters say it's a bad sign after Bernanke comes to meeting wearing rope for a belt.
First Hummer Of Spring!
New Hummers could double in size. Sure sign better times are ahead.
Leisure Time In Front Of TV
Report: Half of leisure time of Americans taken up by watching...hey, that was outside the plate by a mile. Stupid Ump!
Customers Slip In Salt Packets In Pockets
New York restaurants face salt ban in new health bill... causing chefs' blood pressure to soar. Chef's decide to use MSG for replacement.
Headless Corpse Discovered
Archaeologists uncover headless corpses of 51 Vikings executed by Saxons in Dorset killing field, probably during Thatcher Administration.
One Of Dad's Old Lines
"Do you work in a strip club?' Gaffe-prone Prince Philip puts his foot in it again with woman Navy sea cadet."
No Regret For Waterboarding
'I'm proud of using waterboarding to break terrorists,' declares Bush's top political adviser. 'I'd battery their balls if it would save American lives.'
Olson Dead
Pro Football Hall of Famer Merlin Olsen tackled by the Grim Reaper.
Sign "Drive Slow!"
Harvard Law School is now open after break. Watch out for lawsuits!
Cavemen Using Tools
Huge sticky strip found hanging inside mouth of cave indicates that cave men were trying to catch Pterodactyls.
Betty White Hosts SNL
Betty White to host 'Saturday Night Live' with special humorist, Abe Vigoda, as guest. Should be some laughs.
Blind Salmonella Testings Protested
CDC uses shopper-card data to trace salmonella as people at random take given it to see what happens. Shoppers now in hospital beds, say that they should have been told.
Turtles Becoming Extinct
Endangered listing eyed for US lagerheads. I'm sorry, that should read "loggerheads".
Museums To Show What Trees Looked Like, Abandoned
Meeting on deforestation boosts morale, budget. Now ready to hire hundreds of Johnny Appleseeds, Paula Pinecones.
Zero Results?
Need for results drives Obama's domestic juggle. Since nothing has been accomplished in over a year now.
Pope Meets Bishop
Pope meets with German bishop amid sex scandal. "It could happen to anyone in a weak moment", reassures German Bishop.
Michelle's Hillary Jokes
First Lady marks International Women's Day with Hillary 'President' joke. "Oversea she wears bullet-proof pantsuit. Same kind she wore to bed with Bill here in the White House for 8 years."
Philly Bar Raids
Beer lovers froth with anger over Philly bar raids creating a real brew haha.
It Balances Out
Senators question $1 million pay for charity's CEO whose charity brough in nearly $1 million dollars last year.
Immigration Overhaul
Obama says he's committed to immigration overhaul. "If they are going to come in and pick vegetables, etc. they MUST wear overhauls!"
Al-Qaida Recruits
'Jihad Jane': How does Al Qaeda recruit U.S.-born women? By sweet-talking them and beatings.
Doctor Are Consistant
Experts say US doctors overtesting, overtreating, overbilling!
Also Some Bill Clinton Jokes
First Lady marks International Women's Day with Hillary 'President' joke about dodging those bullets in Bosnia.
Doomsday Seed Ready, Mankind Also Seems To Be Ready
Norway doomsday seed vault hits 1/2 million mark. Should grow really large with all that radiation everywhere.
Cases Dropped
More SF drug cases dropped amid crime lab scrutiny, fumble-fingered FBI agents.
Health Overhaul
Democrats pare differences over health overhaul or else Rahm head-butts them!
Insanity Defined?
Cardiff residents actually campaigning for 1.5 million tons of water to be stored behind an earth embankment dam above their houses and local school.
'Can't make this stuff up'
'Lindsay Lohan Files $100M Suit Over E-Trade's 'Milkaholic Lindsay' Baby'
Victoria Beckham sues "The Spoof"
BREAKING NEWS: Victoria Beckham is suing The Spoof for slander as she discovers story claiming she had once eaten...something. more to follow.
Unions Caused Prosperity
A company was taken over by unions last month. Since then it has prospered.
Was Beck's Massa Interview
His biggest car wreck since he stopped drinking?
Rising oceans threaten Gilligan's Island
The well known TV show backdrop in Burbank,Ca. has shown a rise in local waters of 2/3 centimeter over the last year.
Oprah in lawsuit against Obama for using patented "O"
"I had a clear lead in using the letter," said Winfrey yesterday (Wednesday) in a prepared statement Thursday.
Secret weapon "Hillary" smuggled into Iran
She has gained access to the top secret uranium facilities of the country. Only a matter of time now until the situation is completely defused by world's most "International Woman".
Marshmallow Peeps cargo hijacked enroute to troops
In a sad note, Peeps Season will have to be postponed for soldiers overseas looking forward to the annual treat. Somali pirates suspected.
Reason Al Gore So Stiff
Tipper Gore blames Bill Clinton for Al being so stiff. "He experimented using Viagra on Al before using it on himself."
Aging Boomer #7
The Beatles (Paul & Ringo, anyway) re-release George Harrison's "All Things Must Pass, Eventually".
Radical Football
New Radical Arena Football League this summer will use live greased pig instead of football.
NBC: They Don't Own The Clock
CBS sues NBC over their new television talk show, "61 Minutes"
Help For The Unemployed #9
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, the signs of the bathrooms now read right to left instead of left to right.
Help For Unemployed #8
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, "Most of the new employees taking pictures of each other all the time."
Help For Unemployed #7
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, "Those horrible Pearl Harbor jokes".
Help For The Unemployed #6
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, "You can't understand a word they gang around the water cooler is saying."
Help For The Unemployed #5
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, you notice that bowing has replaced handshakes.
Help For The Unemployed #4
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, When you say 'see you tomorrow' it brings all this laughter from the other cubicles.
Postman Stuck in Letterbox
Mustard fell while guinea-fowl held up at Tokyo.
Lollipop sticks showed a non-linear payoff diagram, thogh there was no embedded optionality evident.
Macassar oil refused to future-forward, preferring to abjure counter-hedged exotic spoiling.
Life in Nelson's Navy
The moon is passing through stradivarius. This is the time to buy marmalade and make a hat from starched corduroy.
The lobster is on the cusp - it's best to shelve any plans to store any plans on shelves.
Alone Among the Mongols
The late inventor Percy Flage has had a street named after him in his home village of Queer-on-the-Wold. Who The Fuck Is He street was opened by County Councillor Bern Wood yesterday.
Aluminium Deal Foiled Again
For Pisces, it is better to look back on yesterday now, than to anticipate nostalgia by leaving it until tomorrow to reminisce about today. You can see through the intentions of Pyrex friends.
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