Spoof news snippets from Thursday 11 March 2010
Ponder Awhile
with Mandrake Lampeter Lampeter
Soft! Before the cock crows, the widgeon has already roosted, and the donkey covets the mare's nest.
Manual Author to have Shrine
Late avant-garde craft manual author Herge Dumpfelmaus has a commemorative library near his home in Lake Titicaca. Visitors can browse such works as The Hidden Value of Chimneys, Igloos for All Seasons and Vegetable Wallpaper.
"Venables Was My Colonic Irrigation Therapist" Claim
John Venables performed colonic irrigation on an Anglesey woman, it was claimed yesterday. "He was firm but gentle", said Myfanwy Dyffydyddyfydd, 47. "He isn't the murderer - I wouldn't let him near my rectum", she added.
More Music
Excerpts from Silent Bugler Adelbert Greubelberger's new album Music from the Silent Movies are to be used as accompaniment to a special screening of Battleship Potemkin at the Irkutsk Film Festival this July.
Around the WIs
Watering & Pestleford hosted a vicar-strangling evening on the 25th. Mrs Waxbelly took 17 minutes to strangle the Curate of St Obelisk's, but the Gropeworthy sisters, acting as a tag team, throttled Reverend Nuxter in 5 minutes 34 seconds.
Scientists prove chalk is similar to cheese.
Many conversations will now become meaningless.
Arrests at Aunty Beeb
BBC head of light entertainment arrested by Trades Description officials, for claiming Bellamy's People is a comedy. He will be hanged on Monday!
Help For Unemployed: #3
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, all the recently hired employees eat their burger and fries with chop sticks.
Help For Unemployed #2
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, at company party, only tequila drinks served.
Help For Unemployed #1
Treasury Sec: Watch for little things to tip you off that your company is moving: For instance, your last six memos have been in Chinese.
Tabloid fury over "psycho foetus"
A tabloid reacted with over-zealous fury today when it found that a baby infected its own mother with HIV while still in the womb. "If we'd 'a known we'd never 'a let it be born," fumed the rag.
Becks gets the boot from Sir Alex, and admitted, "I deserved it!"
Sir Alex threw a boot at Becks last night, he was so angry because he taught Becks all he knows, then turning up and performing so pathetically deserved nothing less than Sir Alex's boot!
Child Actor Dies of Mediocrity
The entertainment failed to be shocked by the news of the death of child actor Corny Heinz, 38. Heinz, a lifetime member of the "Not Terribly Good" club was found dead of mediocrity in his home.
Long lost Jewish tribe found in Zimbabwe, Moses did part the waves!
It's now a proven fact, Moses in his Exodus parted the waves and some of his ancestors, now turned Black, have been found in Zimbabwe. They wish to return to Israel but unfortunately Moses is dead!
New Boomer Release #7
Simon and Garfunkle's updated "Cecilia, You're Letting Killer Farts" to be released in June.
Aging Boomer #6
The Beatles release former number one hit, "Piss, I Love To"
Aging Boomer Update #5
"All Things Must Pass...Eventually." From the updated Beatles album "Dear Prunes".
Aging Boomer Update #4
"Hey You, Get Off Of My White Cloud!" will be passed by Stones later in the year.
Aging Boomer Update #3
"I Get By With A Little Help From My Pills" will be out by summer.
Aging Boomers #2
Re-release of the Beatles song, "Don't Let Me Down, Help Me Get Up" out next month
Boomer Updates
Much older Bob Dylan re-releases "Like A Kidney Stone!'
20 New Species, None Pretty
Ten new species found swimming around in the water of New York City hot dog vendor.
It's A Sign!
Atheists flock to tree with face of Charles Darwin on its bark.
Jackson Alias #31
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "Harry Cox".
Mexican Billionaire #1
Rise of the son of a poverty-stricken Mexican shopkeeper: £35.7bn Carlos Slim knocks Bill Gates off top Forbes rich list. Mexico may change name to Slimco.
Millions Face Death Tax
Millions face 10% death tax: Middle class hit hardest by Labour plan to fund elderly care. Will be kept on life support until full amount paid.
Toyota Denies Any Guns
Toyota 'smoking gun' memo from staff warned of safety issues FOUR years ago, but Toyota claims all guns were removed before any shipped out!
Teacher Told To Forget Games
Primary schoolchildren in tears after they are told they will be removed from families as part of Holocaust 'game'. Next week, "The Black Plague" game.
Modern Day Miracle
Young mother struck down with terminal cancer and told 'You've got two weeks to live' EIGHTY years ago! Wait a minute. She just popped off!
Your Taxes At Work
A frail pensioner who lives in a village with no pedestrian crossing has to take a 14-mile bus journey just to cross the road.
Faster Than A runaway Toyota!
Plans unveiled for £30billion rail link with 250mph trains that will plough through heart of England!
Ghosts Sold!
A New Zealand woman sold two vials that she said contained the ghosts of an old man & a young girl for almost NZ$2,000 ($1,410) after a fiercely contested online auction, as most only contain spirits.
Raphael At Milwaukee
Milwaukee museum to show Raphael painting. Other ninja turtles, Leonardo, Donatello and Michelango to follow.
Moved Very Slow
Milwaukee museum to show Raphael painting. Judge new painting not bad for someone over 500 years old.
Is That A Salmon....?
Salmon in your pocket can pinpoint salmonella, show people you're happy to see them.
Changes In Latitudes, Changes In Attitudes!
48 Hawaii-only species given endangered listing, including one Jimmy Buffet in nearby Margaritaville.
Loggerheads Being Considered
Endangered listing eyed for US loggerhead turtles, mostly in Senate and House.
Jackson Alias #30
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "Brook Trout".
Jackson Alias #29
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "Rabi Balddick".
Foreclosures Down...Some
Positive sign as foreclosure rates up by only 90% of amount 4 years ago.
US Hamstrung
Analysis: US hamstrung on Israeli settlements. Israel says to leave settlements, ham out of discussions.
Salmonella Traced
CDC uses shopper-card data to trace Salmonella Sally!
Old Men Love Sex
Even in Old Age, Men Want Sex More Than Women, as 102 year old male died "in the saddle".
Sex AND Women
Even in Old Age, Men Want Sex More Than Women, but would prefer both.
Jackson Alias #28
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including "S. Howard Pickles".
Jackson Alias #27
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Biff Wellington.
Jackson Alias #26
Reports are that Michael Jackson used 59 different aliases to obtain prescription drugs, including Craven Morehead.
Biden: Peace In Our Time!
Biden: Talks can meet Israeli, Palestinian goals (to wipe each other out).
Shock Probation Denied
North Dakota man denied shock probation, goes into shock.
Toyota Buying Ad Space
Spike in Prius complaints may not be all it seems, according to two-page Toyota ads placed in all major US newspapers.
Birth Contest?
Minority births on track to outnumber white births, which will then minority births.
Bring Me My Teeth & 2 Viagra Tabs!
Even in Old Age, Men Want Sex More Than Women...but still are fond of women.
Close Schools, Purchase Buses
Mass school closures approved in Kansas City, Mo. to keep system from bankruptcy, pay for new buses to bring kids to school.
Health Bill Mentioned
Democrats, White House close in on health bill after chasing it for over a year.
Swiss Accounts Info Stolen
HSBC: data on 24,000 Swiss account holders stolen as at least 12 street vendors in NYC on list for millions.
Brown planning a 'do or die,' approach to win the General Election.
If the polls show a 15 point deficit for Labour he will invade Argentina. 'He is quoted as saying 'Who do they think they are? And I'll have Brazil if da Silva doesn't shut it.'
The truth about Susan
Susan Boyle, the Scottish warbler, has denied rumours she is a "ring-in", a fraudulent attempt by Simon Cowell to make money. "Noo" she said "Arm joost his idea of a jooke".
Hope that clears theair.
RMT To Strike
65% turnout for strike ballot. 35% late due to leaves and wrong kind of snow.
Bike Directions Now Available on Google Maps
Horseback and pony express directions coming soon.
U. S. Chief Justice John Roberts Demands Equal Time
Since Obama railed against the Court at the State of the Union speech, Roberts has now scheduled a State of the Court speech and plans to take the opportunity to bash the President.
Carlos Slim of Mexico is World's Richest Person
New York's Mayor Bloomberg whines, "That could have been me if I hadn't spent a hunk of my own money on my campaigns."
Researchers Say Men Want Sex until They Are Near Death
This is news?
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
This means that, for the next seven days, there will be no "Wind in the Willows."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Dry conditions will keep anyone from "Singin' In The Rain."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
For the next 72 hours, "I've Got Sunshine, On a Cloudy Day."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
That blowing dust is now "Gone With The Wind."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Groups of people meet friends and move under shelters to avoid storm as "Hail, Hail, the Gangs All Here"
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Depressed moods expected to start the new week as "Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Moonshine makers fear that "tropical depression this year, might be the answer to this hillbilly beer."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
People hoping for spring upset that, with the snow, "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Motorists and pedestrians advised to be careful, as they should expect a lot of "Dust in the wind."
Low Pressure System Moves In, Changing Local Weather
Weathermen say to open your windows for a glorious Spring and "Let the Sunshine In."
Word On The Street!
Police report that 'the word on the street' this morning is something really vulgar. Advice children go another way until it's cleaned off.
Too Busy Out Commiting Crimes
Television screws itself. They've telecast so much sex and violence, whole generation hasn't any time for watching TV.
"I Saw'Her First!"
Old farts retired in Florida say they have found the Fountain of Youth, and that her name is Bambi.
Ready For Spring
A group of tornado chasers getting ready for a big spring are joined by group of tornado, hurricane looters.
Al-Qaida #2 On Shit List
Big chunk of airplane iced crap lands, appropriately enough, on al-Qaida #2, leaving only a spot on the ground.
Cloned Meat #5
F & G Market closed after pleading guilty of selling cloned meat. Angry former customers hang another effigy outside F & G's closed door.
Cloned Meat #4
Double & Squeak Restaurants in England accused of using cloned meat.
Cloned Meat/Milk #3
Twin & Jerry's Ice Cream accused of using milk from cloned cows.
Cloned Meat #2
McDoubles Burgers accused of using cloned meat after customers kept complaining that it was repeating on them.
Cloned Meat?
The Twins Outback Restaurant accused of selling cloned meat.
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