Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 9 June 2010
"Bully, My Ass!"
Elderly W.H. reporter Helen Thomas resigned after she said Israelis should "get the hell out of Palestine." Thomas has been in trouble before, telling Teddy Roosevelt to quit lying about adventures.
Limbaugh Sued Over Wedding
Rush Limbaugh the victim of three lawsuits today as three different individuals at his weeding claim that his belly knocked them from their chairs as he waddled down the aisle.
Helen Thomas Still At It
Helen Thomas, the 89-year-old White House reporter, is retiring after making controversial statements about the Jews. Today she told a black lady in an interview that she needed to go back to Africa.
Have To Be Balanced
The Taliban will allow beauty contestants to wear swimsuits for Miss Taliban Contest. However, all contestants will be beaten on the ass by rods after the show.
Gay Malawian tunrs straight after the thought of 14 years in the slammer!
A miracle has happened in Malawi, a Gay man has turned straight and now prefers women and he swears it had nothing to do with facing 14 years in a stinking rat-infested Malawian slammer!
Because of recent events in the Mideast, CBS has canceled it's planned holiday special: "It's Hanukkah, Charlie Brown"
French to hold a special parade through Paris for the losers of the French Open! They will title it, "We Surrendered Again!"
Who Can Hit The Bullseye Blindfolded?
Van der Sloot already complaining about treatment in Peru prison. Displays big tattoo "Target" on his ass!
C-SPAN Ratings Down
C-SPAN say their ratings are down slightly after first two weeks of summer reruns.
Hunk Failed Math
Former "Falcon Crest" hunk LORENZO LAMAS is hoping the fifth time's the charm with wife number 9.
Not So Gay, Now
Out of jail, gay Malawi couple breaks up. One dates a woman, says it would be kinda sexy to live a normal henpecked life.
Those That REALLY Know Everything
Neighborhood busybodies now being hired by Homeland Security to keep eye out for terrorists.
In the latest census report, number of agents bitten by dogs up 12% over 2000 census.
World Cup On Verge Of Collapse
World Cup hosts South Africa have announced they are quitting the tournament due to racist slurs aimed at their team from white supremacists Socceroo fans.
I've asked everyone else who uses this washroom...
..so this must be Occam's razor.
Queen Pelosi Heckled!
Nancy Pelosi heckled! "They are 'throwing stuff'...We am not amused.
Obama Ears Actually Fluttering!
Another Gulf oil spill: Well near Deepwater Horizon has leaked since at least April 30. BP: Did we forget to mention that one? Sorry, we were distracted by this one.
It's A Dirty War!
TALIBAN using HIV needles with bombs set to go off. UN counters with Unmanned rockets with anthrax!
"Such Awful Langusge!"
President overheard by visitors to White House as he rehearsed getting really really mad at BP.
Artist dies after spraying varnish on his paintings in a room without ventilation. Could raise the price of famous "Frogs Playing Poker" series.
Lawmakers Are Really Busy
Building of new homes in back gardens is to be banned. Also walking outside of home. "You could have a icy block of shit fall from plane and hit you."
Doctor 'skipped with glee when applying gel to woman's burned breasts' yells "Can't help myself" as he skips around the room.
Obama Turning Point?
Gulf oil spill could mark a turning point for Obama as he could well be sliding out of office.
Body Scanners In Omaha
Full-body scanner debuts at Omaha airport! Photo books on sale by December first!
Hypnotized By Lava Flow!
Guatemala warns tourists hypnotized by lava flows to snap out of it or "You'll get the mother-of-all-hot foots!
"Actually, It Felt Pretty Good"
West Virginia Senator Byrd accidentally picked up and cleaned while visiting beached oil area.
Viewing Audience Down To 98!
Hot young stars lead the way at CMT Music Awards For The Month Of June!
Yes, That Was On The List!
Judge says Lindsay Lohan violated terms of her bail by drinking like a fish.
Genetically Altered Trees!
Paper industry tests of genetically altered trees not going well as trees uproot themselves and run away, planting themselves elsewhere.
Now That They Are Out Of The Closet
Surfers in Hawaii complaining about surfing crocs taking over their areas.
You'll Be Famous!
Here's your chance to get your face in space: Stick your head out the window like a dog while coming back toward earth!
"The Crocodile Rock...Surf!"
Australian study finds crocodiles surf the seas, once they finish eating surfer.
Talk About A Political Spin!
Greece: We're right on track to meet deficit targets! Fake cheering in the background!
Calls Mother-In-Law Before Every Public Appearance!
Obama's getting really, really, really, really mad - or is he?
No Shit, Einstein!
AP IMPACT: BP spill response plans severely flawed!
Sticking To The Schedule
Gates: Progress in Afghan war must come this year..or at least by 2020.
Israel Eases Blockade
Israel allows some once-banned products into Gaza, like pork rinds.
A Little Late!
Democrats try to seize initiative on oil spill on day 51!
California Republicans Tap Women To Lead Ticket
Beachboys launch campaign song: "I Wish They All Could Be Californian Women To Lead GOP Ticket"
"Freedom Of Speech! (Fart) Sorry!"
Rand Paul breaks silence, wind on local radio talk show.
Throws Famer's Almanac Off Completely
Many city schools shorten year by one day, objected to by Boomers who say they need all the days they can get.
Minnesota Full Of It #2
Minnesota plant will produce fertilizer from wind. Native son Bob Dylan sings "Blowing In The Wind" at grand opening.
Minnesota Full Of It!
Minnesota plant will produce fertilizer from wind, with all the shit being hurled during recent and upcoming November elections.
UN Sanctions Iran For 100th Time
U.N. council to hit defiant Iran with new sanctions. Promise they will not purchase any nuclear weapons from them, once they are completed.
Stowaway survives flight next to jet landing gear. Spotted by man flying in lawn chair with helium balloons. "Flying in landing gear could be dangerous", states Balloonist.
Lot Of Trouble For Nothing
Stowaway survives flight next to jet landing gear, once they got him thawed out. Being sent back home.
Instant Fireballs On The Road
GM recalling 1.5M vehicles over fire concerns. "Some, but probably not many, could instantly burst into flame causing a hideous death!
A Sticking Point
Overtreated: Surgery too often fails for back pain, as surgeons are accused of being knife-happy.
You Could Get Burned
BP plans to burn some oil pumping up to surface. Warn about trying to get a sun tan on those days. Issue small boats warning. People on inner tubes. Surfers!
GOP Nominates Women For November
What's on tap? California Republicans tap women to lead ticket!
Vanilla Ice Marries Alanis Morissette!!
The woman who lost her virginity to Dave Coulier has finally gotten married to rapper Vanilla Ice. Sources say... what? Wait, that's not Vanilla Ice? Sorry. Rapper 'Snow' Marries Alanis Morissette.
Sixth Grade Arithmetic
Obama's scientists don't believe BP is collecting the high percent of gushing oil indicated; the flow rate of the well is undetermined. It's about knowing the denominator before doing the math stupid!
Obamacare to Only Pay One-Half of any Medical Costs
Women getting Boob-Jobs will only be able to have one boob enlarged per year. DHS suggests that the procedure be scheduled for Dec. 30 & Jan. 1 of the following year for full cost reimbursement!
Federal officials travel to view the BP oil spill via limos, rental cars & 747 aircraft. They then call for stopping all off-shore drilling & complain that the USA must get off of using foreign oil!
President Obama announced today that the predicted U.S debt to rise to $19.6 trillion by 2015 will only be $19.5 trillion.
"I'm Knocked Up!"
Tennessee woman says that while she enjoyed having children while younger, it is going to be a problem now. "They don't allow babies at the nursing home."
LLimbaugh Feeling Good!
Rush Limbaugh has a little too much liquor while toasting his new bride. "Here's to wife Number 3..5? 6! Hey, come back. I was just horsing around!"
Obama Misses The Extra Point
Efforts by President Obama to kick someone in the ass a total failure and he misses and lands on his own ass..on a tar ball.
Pelosi Plastic Surgery
After Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's lastest plastic surgery, everyone agrees that she looks more lifelike.
New Pong Sr.
New "Pong Sr." has 3D effect of coming out of the TV when hit past you and bouncing on the carpet for 15 seconds.
Marvel Cancels Comic #69
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Monarch Butterfly.....Of Death!" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #68
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Camel Man" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #67
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "Captain Bison" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #66
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Electric Eel" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #65
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Tales Of The Salamander" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #64
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Baker's Dozen" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #63
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Glorious Goatsucker" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #62
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Caped Clodhopper From Dixie" series after the one issue.
Marvel Cancels Comic #61
Marvel Comics, having been bought out by Disney, has decided to end it's superhero comic "The Horny Horny Toad" (adult) series after the one issue.
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