Spoof news snippets from June 2010
There were 3,164 spoof news snippets published in June 2010. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Jennifer Aniston Is Certainly Giving It The Old College "Beaver Shot" Try
Brad Pitt who admits to being a leg man says he knows his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston has been going out of her way to show of her fantastic legs and cute hooha in hopes of snagging him back.
Rooney Breaks Down
Millions watch as Rooney breaks down in the six yard box over his over his inability to think outside the box. In fact, he has actually built a box within the box and is now refusing to come out.
Twin Pensioners Born
Mildred Clarice Joyce of Chipping Sodbury today gave birth to twin pensioners a staggering 65 years after getting pregnant to a de-mobbed solider at the end of WWII.
Beautiful Garden State News: Secaucus
Secaucus mayor Dennis Elwell was arrested for accepting millions in bribes. In New Jersey, this is punishable with a $15.00 fine or two days in jail.
One Star Bum Bandit Scoops Award
No-show at "Butthole Of The Year Awards"
Beautiful Garden State News: n. plainfield
Officials looking to further differentiate itself from Plainfield voted to erect a wall separating the two towns. A sign to be erected will read "North Plainfield, NOT where the criminals are.
Beautiful Garden State News: Wyckoff
Wyckoff has made it a 4th degree crime to call the township Whack off. Repeat offenders are shot.
England Team "Tired" Says Capello
The fans are "tired" too. Tired of England.
John Cleese: I Trained Fidel Castro
It's a little known fact that all South American National Anthems are based on the Monty Python theme tune thanks to John Cleese's and Terry Gilliam's early careers as insurgents alongside Che Guevera
Beyonce To Release Vuvuzela Single.
Can't be worse than 'All The Single Ladies Put A Ring On It' say industry insiders.
Beautiful Garden State News: Burlington Twp.
Burlington officials are bringing recycling to the Township. Next year: indoor plumbing
Beautiful Garden State News: Point Pleasant
Asbury Park is keeping abreast of vacationers' changing tastes: It is considering letting women go topless on a city beach. HAHAHA!Abreast.I write funny thingz for free.
Beautiful Garden State News: Carteret
Police say that the homicide rate in Carteret has gone down 44% in the last year. C'mon, everyone! We're not trying hard enough.
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #5
ANSWER: This ginger is stupid, and smells like the Clap, allegedly.
QUESTION: Who is Linsday Lohan?
Is It Tina Fey or Is It Sarah Palin?
Tina Fey said that last week she really got into the Sarah Palin character so much that she actually had the urge to go out and shoot a damn caribou.
Beautiful Garden State News: Morris Twp.
Morris Township NJ lays off 17 workers; asks remaining staff to switch to generic prescriptions, apply for food stamps.
Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
Beautiful Garden State News: Hillside Township
New Jersey Door Works in Hillside pleaded guilty today to overbilling Union County by nearly $60000. "We thought they wanted the diamond encrusted door locks. Whoopsie!!"
Beautiful Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
Beautiful Garden State News: Seaside Park.
Seaside Park Mayor Thomas Connors was arrested outside N.J. nightclub Saturday. He was the 17th person arrested for punching Snooki Polizzi in the face. Because she had it coming, the fat turd.
Beautiful Garden State News: Bridgeton
Bridgeton Skate park is a new practice ground for skateboarders and roller-bladers, replacing the Bridgeton Crack Den
Beautiful Garden State News: Morris Twp.
Morris Township NJ lays off 17 workers; asks remaining staff to switch to generic prescriptions, apply for food stamps.
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 12
October 31 - The Transcontinental arrived in San Francisco from New York City. Coast to Coast in 3 1/2 days; there's a record that'll never be broken.
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #2
A.: Dog food and garbage pickings.
Q.: What is grandma going to eat until her foodstamps come?
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #36
The Brain of Pinky and The Brain for Orsen Welles, Citizen Kane. "We did use The Brain, actually. Listen to the voice! Couldn't you tell?"
Obama - I'll Bleach My Eyeballs
Following claims of hypocrisy for whining about the BP oil spill, President Obama today took full responsibility for the Bhopal chemical disaster and pledged to inject his eyes with bleach to atone
Beautiful Garden State News: Irvington
Irvington: An Irvington resident was hired as a 60k a year middle manager for a local company, breaking the city's 100% unemployment rate.
Beautiful Garden State News: Medford
Medford's K-12 budget includes $4 million in cuts. From now on, 4th grade will be called "Recess at home."
Beautiful Garden State News: South Plainfield
Thursday, the best of the state gathered for the 100 meter race. South Plainfield's Miles Shuler won. He's got PLENTY of practice running from criminals in South Plainfield.
Obama Threatens Nuclear Strike Against England For BP Disaster.
Obama Threatens Nuclear Strike Against England For BP Disaster: "Mess up my Gulf, I irradiate your country. USA! USA! USA!"
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #31
Sandra Oh instead of the Alien, Aliens: "Well, Sandra was much uglier than the original Alien, so continuity would have suffered. Also, who could stand looking at her that long. YUCK!"
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #32
Kristy McNichol instead of Jodie Foster, Taxi Driver: "We had both of those fine young gentleman audition, but we felt Jodie was the man for the job."
Rejected Jeopardy questions, #3
ANSWER: This brown hardwood item is nicknamed "The Louisville Slugger."
QUESTION: What is Muhammad Ali's penis?
Beautiful Garden State News: Union City
Union City: The city has changed its spelling to "Joonyun Ceety", to better reflect how the name is pronounced by residents.
Beautiful Garden State News: Bayonne
Bayonne: Contrary to popular belief, city officials say, Bayonne is not Spanish for "This town smells like a warm dumpster."
Beautiful Garden State News: Spotswood
Spottswood: To adequately mimic the living arrangements of its residents, the Spotswood Police Department will continue to use a sh-tty trailer as its base of operations.
Beautiful Garden State News: Cranford
A man lying on tracks near the Cranford train station was struck and killed by an oncoming NJT locomotive over the weekend. Officials are considering moving the homeless shelter from off the tracks.
Beautiful Garden State News: West Windsor
Fifteen crews earned under 23 national team berths on Friday at the 2010 Under 23 World Championships Trials on Mercer Lake in W. Windsor. We think it involves yachts, or steeplechase, or something.
One Star Arse Bandit Insists He's Not Gay
Everybody says they don't believe him and give him one star anyway for being an okay liar.
Beautiful Garden State News: Camden
Camden: A former Camden police officer admitted to planting evidence today, which means that now EVERY Camden cop is corrupt.
Rare Tweets Discovered From 1979 Part 39
November 17 - This month's Playboy Playmate had her crotch completely shaved. Ewwww! I can't imagine that look will catch on.
Gelatinous, Useless Big Boobed Orange Midget Spotted Dancing With Mother in Deptford, NJ Club.
The Gelatinous, Useless Big Boobed Orange Midget Spotted Dancing With Mother in Deptford, NJ Club was identified as "Jersey Shore"'s bulbous punching bag Nicole Snooki Polizzi.
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 4
August 12 - What an age of technology! Edison has invented the mimeograph. I heard the paper smells really good.
Jose "The Steroid Buster" Canseco Is In The Building
Jose Canseco says that he has not written a book dealing with steroids in baseball in at least three weeks.
Soprano's Pizza
New Jersey's Soprano's Pizza: They'll make you a calzone you can't refuse. Or digest.
Yay, A Grand Slam. Yay, My Team Is Here To Congratulate Me! Catch Me, Guys!! Ow, My Leg Is Broken
Los Angeles Angels first baseman Kendry Morales Morales broke his leg hile celebrating his game winning grand slam.
It is only a walk-off grand slam if you can actually WALK OFF!
Beautiful Garden State News: Edison
Monday's issue of Time Magazine reflects on changes in Edison in a piece called "My Own Private India." In protest, All 7-11s and most of Dell's technical support are boycotting.
Netherlands or Holland?
The Netherlands (Holland) will now meet Brasil (Brazil) after they made it through to the last eight of the 2010 World Cup with a goal in each half to beat Slovakia (Czechoslovakia) 3-1.
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #28
Ray Liotta instead of Joey Pants, Memento: "Who gives a sh-t, nobody saw the movie anyway."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #29
Kim Cattrall instead of Virginia Cherrill in Chaplin's third silent film, City Lights: "That was only 77 years ago. Kim was too old."
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #33
Paris Hilton instead of Guy Who Got 'Curbed', American History X: "It would have made no sense in the movie, but it'd been great to see Paris get her head stomped on, right?"
Carla Brunei Matches Husband
Carla Brunei visited London today wearing a grey Dior dress. "I am doing zis in sympathy with my usband's hair, I just don't want to let him feel left out." she said.
News From Other Countries: Cocos
Cocos (Keeling) Islands; "Cocos Island; Tueaday is Ladies night, Wednesday is 'Float on a Wood Door from Sri Lanka to the Cocos' night.
News From Other Countries: Cuba
Cuba: Cuba's new Tourism board will use the slogan: "Come for the socialized medicine, stay for the Havana to Miami Raft Races!"
Al Gore removes 40 Year-old Ball And Chain.
Al and Tipper Gore say they have made mutual decision to separate. The media was tipped off when Al Gore lost 30lb., shaved his beard off, and started wearing his Nobel Prize around his penis.
Rare Tweets Discovered From 1979 Part 36
December 3 - Got general admission tix for The Who at Riverfront! I'm gonna stampede to the front when I get there!!
Beautiful Garden State News: Paterson
Paterson: In light of NY Governor Paterson's recent legal troubles, and to honor most of its residents, the Town has decided to change its name to "Little Nicaragua"
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 6
August 20 - Have u heard Jesse James is quitting his life of crime. I think he is starting an axe company. Its called West Coast Choppers.
The Shocking Pink Statue of Liberty?
The Statue of Liberty will be painted pink in honor of "Take A Lesbian Out To Lunch Week."
Beautiful Garden State News: Middletown
Middletown: Middletown has announced what township residents have long knows: The Target on Palmer Avenue IS the town's cultural centerpiece.
Beautiful Garden State News: Cherry Hill
Cherry Hill: Melrose Place's Amy Locane charged with vehicular homicide in a DUI accident in Cherry Hill. She claimed she was driving to Cherry Hill Mall, but no one goes there on purpose.
Spoof Writer Turning Into Adam Lambert
"Me thumb nail's turned black," says Skoob. "I hope I don't have to break the other nine digits to get that Adam Lambert look."
Beautiful Garden State News: Brick
Brick: The Township has decided to change its name. From now on it'll be Where Seaside Heights Residents Are Pulled Over For DUI-Ville.
Beautiful Garden State News: Old Bridge
The Old Bridge man killed by 17-year-olds taught computer science at College of Staten Island, meaning he was surrounded by disgusting trash at home and at work.
Beautiful Garden State News: Trenton
Trenton resident Frank Roark Jr. died when his Harley collided with a deer. The deer's family seek a full investigation.
Garden State News: East Brunswick
East Brunswick: Township officials have rejected the charter of the town's 245th kids' soccer team. The Foot Fairies will play in nearby South River.
Beautiful Garden State News: Scotch Plains
Scotch Plains police reported four arrests and six crimes last week. The reported crimes include jaywalking, criminal dog pooping, and driving with a broken taillight. Scotch Plains is boring.
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #25
George Hamilton for Harrison Ford, The Empire Strikes Back. "I knew Ford sucked, but I was just too damned lazy to recast."
BP Exec Jerry Lundegaard to Testify to Congress about Oil leak.
Congressman: I need to know how this happened!
Lundegaard: I'm... I'm not arguing here! I'm cooperating. So there's no need to... we're doin' all we can here. What the Christ.
BP to Charge Ducks for Stolen Oil.
BP has announced that it will send bills to the ducks and other animals who have stolen oil from their new "Oil Floatilla" in the Gulf of Mexico. "Look at that one over there; its napping in our oil!"
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #34
Selena Gomez instead of Thora Birch, American Beauty: "Well, we needed the topless scene, and Selena was, like, 4 when we filmed it. Thora was 7, so it was Ok."
Angels' 1B Morales breaks leg while celebrating game winning grand slam.
It is only a walk-off grand slam if you can actually WALK OFF.
Rare Tweets Discovered From 1979 Part 17
December 2 - @aplusk Happy first birthday, Ashton. I didn't know you used Twitter! Don't overuse it, OK?
Rare Tweets Discovered From 1979 Part 21
August 24 - Future HOFer Ricky Bell and the Tampa Bay Bucs will WIN THE SUPER BOWL THIS YEAR!!!
Rare Tweets Discovered From 1979 Part 27
November 4 - 5 Commies were just killed by the KKK at a "death to the Klan rally" That obviously backfired.
The Only Dude Ranch In Massachusetts Is Forced To Shut Down
The one and only dude ranch in the entire state of Massachusetts has had to shut down because someone stole the horse.
Garden State News: Maple Shade
Maple Shade: The body found in the town's Maplewood Apartments caused property owners to change the name of the complex. "Maplewood is for murderers, but Park Crossing is for Families," they said.
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 5
August 19 - Jesse James almost killed in Minnesota. I heard he was with a woman with tattoos on her face.
Beautiful Garden State News: Jersey City
Jersey City became the biggest city in New Jersey to cancel its 2010 display, announcing on June 2 that they expect enough gunfire from residents to make up for it.
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 7
November 4 - #19thCenturyRacism General Mackenzie has killed Chief Dull Knife at the Powder River. These Indians! We give them a good price on Manhattan; what else do they want?
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 10
June 25 - Just heard about George Custer dying in battle at Little Bighorn, where he stood for the last time. Custer's Last Stand... Hey, that's catchy!
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 11
September 11 - In Chicago, wearing my new Smith and Wesson shootin' iron on my hip. Can you imagine if that ever became illegal?
The Extremely Masculine Nancy Grace May Be No More
Nancy Grace will be having surgery to give her a more feminine look instead of the bitch dyke look she presently has.
Beautiful Garden State News: East Orange
East Orange: The city won the "Sh-ttiest City Named After A Fruit" contest held in NYC, their 24th win in a row.
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #12
A sack of potatoes instead of Keanu Reeves, The Matrix. "Who would've noticed the difference."
Beautiful Garden State News: Clifton
Clifton: Clifton's ClassLink is pleased to announce a major new release of an easy to use, affordable, and comprehensive. . . oh, who cares.
Bizarre Movie Recasts, #18
Wesley Snipes instead of Samuel L. Jackson, Pulp Fiction. "Look, I already cast Travolta to meet my 'one has-been a movie' quota.
Brown Was Absent from Ex-Chancellors Meeting
When George Osborne invited former chancellors to lunch to offer words of wisdom, ex-Chancellor and ex-Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was noticeably absent. Apparently he had no wisdom to give.
Rare Tweets Discovered From 1979 Part 36
December 3 - Got general admission tix for The Who at Riverfront! I'm gonna stampede to the front when I get there!!
Amazing! Tweets discovered from 1876, part 8
October 13 - Construction of Spandau Prison is completed. Hope they make a ballet of it.
Why my SCRAM bracelet went off...
I didn't drink booze, I ------ a drunk guy.
Beautiful Garden State News: Clifton
Clifton: Clifton's ClassLink is pleased to announce a major new release of an easy to use, affordable, and comprehensive. . . oh, who cares.
Snippet-worthy International news, Benin.
Realizing no one ever heard of them, Benin has changed it's Tourism slogan. Listen for new radio ads with the motto "Benin. Come for the unregulated sex trade, stay for the UN Funded AIDS hospices."
Ex-Wife of Gary Coleman fulfills Every Woman's Fantasy.
Shannon Price, ex-wife of Cary Coleman, lied about her marital status when she demanded Coleman be removed from Life Support. Since then, every divorced man on life support has hired private security
Spencer Pratt to Reporters: Ketchup, Salt or Pepper?
Spencer Pratt when asked to comment on his breakup with plastic-faced psycho babe Heidi, "I'll be just fine. Now, did you want to Super Size your meal?"
One Star Bum Bandit Strikes Again
People laugh. Nobody bothers. Big anticlimax.
News From Other Countries: Chad
Chad: The State Department warns U.S. citizens avoid all travel to Chad/Central African Republic area, citing violence, rebel forces, and because Chad is such a gay name for a nation.
News From Other Countries: Columbia
Colombia: In the News today, a man shot by a Columbian Sheriff's Deputy Has Died. Ziggy Marley has promised to rework his father's song accordingly.
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