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Rating:

Chelsea Clinton To Marry Banker Wanker!

Following her failure to "land" Chelsea's John Terry, Chelsea Clinton has returned to former lover Marc Mezvkinsky, one of the investment wankers that brought the UK to its knees circa 2009.

written by iscrivener, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Defense System Changed

President Barack Obama has announced a major overhaul of the the US missile defense system, which will no longer cover Arizona.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

France Cracks Down

France's Sarkozy cracks down on crime and immigrants. "Bring On It!" says French leader.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

The Green One Right?

Obama lies about not knowing who Snooki is? "Even I know the Teletubbies", says George Bush.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Some Dignity

Obama: Time for Rangel, after all the criminal type charges, to end career "with dignity"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Thought It Tasted Funny

Post Mills Cereals has issued a recall of their cereal, "Cream Of Pete".

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

New Jesse Ventura Book

Former wrestler and Minnesota Governor, Jesse Ventura, has put out a new book about Conspiracy Theories and clears them up by telling his own conspiracy theories.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Tokyo's Oldest Living Man Found Dead

Tokyo's oldest living man, Pong Ping, was found dead today - he died 30 years ago. His Landlady said "There has definitely been a Ping Pong around here since 1980."

written by IN SEINE, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Tokyo's Oldest Living Man Found Dead

Tokyo's oldest living man was found dead today - he died 30 years ago. It's a good job he was not a dog otherwise it would have been 210 years too late!

written by IN SEINE, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Three-Legged Man Arrested

French say they may have discovered the "Body Part Killer" after arresting man waiting for bus who had three legs. He claimed he was a circus freak. They told him he was just a freak.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

It'll Be Clost!

In a debate this fall, Sarah Palin will challenge former President Bush for who can invite the most new words in one hour.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Leading Pet Name

The most popular name for a pet in 2010? It's "Snooki"!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Studies Killing People?

Calcium supplements linked to heart attacks: study. Studies ordered to stop by President, before they kill anybody else. First study to kill people in years.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Griffith Promotes Health Care

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "Obama's new plan even covers getting hit by a rock thrown by Ernest T. Bass."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Now It's Opie

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "And I said 'No Sir, it's the truth. Opie has done gone bald-headed!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Mayberry Emergency

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "After dialing 911, I told them, "Barney has shot clear through hid foot."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Has These Fits

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "So I told them, Gomer has swallowed his tongue again!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Floyd Was Pink!

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "So I told 911 that Floyd had a fever. Then I told them Floyd was getting Pink. That's when they hung up."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Handy Andy

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "You see, Aunt Bee has the clap!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Obama Health Care

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law: "Goober's developed a peanut allergy!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Andy's New Role

Andy Griffith's new role: pitching health care law. "You all see, Otis needs a new liver!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Slow-Food Restaurants Slowly Popping Up!

New 'Slow Food' Restaurant worker wants to know if you'd like the crock pot special of the day.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Wedding Day

The big day: Chelsea Clinton to be bred in upstate New York. Sorry, that should be "wed".

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Welfare Revolution

Benefits for workers may be scrapped altogether in welfare revolution. Instead, each will receive a higher salary. So keep fit & save!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Counterfeiters Turn From Money

Food prices to soar 10% in time for the New Year. Counterfeiters starting to produce smaller price tickets.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
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Born With A Purpose

My duty is to save the world: Prince Charles believes he was born for a purpose. Queen: "When do you plan to start?"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

How About Everybody Else?

My duty is to save the world: Prince Charles believes he was born for a purpose. "I'll find it, yet!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
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Even More Radical

We're more radical than Thatcher or Blair, claims top Tory Francis Maude. You will shape up or be shipped out!"

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
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Ford's New Fuel

New Ford car runs on static electricity as long as passengers wear sweaters, comb hair after pulling over every 50 miles.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Not Over-Hyped?

So has the great BP environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico been over-hyped? Not by we who are about to die from it!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Southern States Looking For Another Robert E. Lee

Sarkozy: Strip criminals of French nationality. Arkansas Governor: Ours has no US Nationality to begin with.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Mayberry Needed It Years Ago.

Andy Griffith's new role on approving health care. Doctor Phil to repute it.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Washington Vs. States

PAPER: Will Washington's Failures Lead To Second American Revolution? States preparing local militia.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Code Red: Al Gore Released

Oregon officials close investigation of Gore after everybody in the room trying to get him to quit crying.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Infomercial Pulled

Acme's "The Bed Mill" will drop all infomercials after letters from customers who said that didn't lose weight.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Montag Files For Divorce

Heidi Montag files for divorce from Spencer Pratt after 15 month old marriage. And they said it wouldn't last!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Most: We Need More Testing!

DC pushes female condoms to fight HIV epidemic as 10,000 male volunteer condom pushers show up for 12 volunteers asked for in ads.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Redefined Terms

Chicken producers debate 'natural' label. Plus "free range" doesn't mean you cooked them on a stove top.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Not Natural?

Chicken producers debate 'natural' label. "They just naturally crowd up like that when you place ten in a small cage."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Adult Industry Picks Up

Adult industry sees iPorn potential in new phone. So that was what all that shooting into the air and cheering was about last night!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

FBI Knows All About You!

FBI access to e-mail, Web data raises privacy fear. Let's see: The FBI are a bunch of idiots accepting payoffs from...excuse me, there's someone at the door.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

FBI Access E-Mails

FBI access to e-mail, Web data raises privacy fear. Most are asking, "What privacy?".

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Michigan Oil Spill

Cleanup of Mich. river oil spill will take months, possibly years if clean up workers can stretch it out a bit.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Obama Cries Over SBA Bill

Obama cries GOP over small business lending bill. Whoops! That should have been 'decries'.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Healt Care Delay

Paperwork nightmare: A struggle to fix new law could cause delay. Beginning to sound like BP excuses.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Time To Play

House approves oil spill bill; stalled in Senate as both head off for summer six-month vacations.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Gore Wins, Loses

Gore will not be charged over masseuse allegations. However, Tipper ups settlement another ten million.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Rocket Man Down

No it's not Sir Elton John. Israeli airstrike kills senior Hamas rocket maker.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Lost His Way Somehow

NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. California to pardon Jim Jones.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

New Report On Health Care

Health care report: 22.3 percent uninsured. 10% out of work, another 10% illegal aliens. 2.3 percent say they are well-stocked with drugs.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Teboe: Bring On The Shots

Broncos rookie Tim Tebow: Bring on the shots. "Of course, I mean tackling, not actual shots."

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Snooki Bookied

Snooki of 'Jersey Shore' arrested in NJ beach town for "bothering" people. Why hasn't Congress been arrested?

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Al Gore Case Closed

Gore will not be charged over masseuse allegations but agrees to pleads guilty of lesser charge of being stupid.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

No Money Left?

Gore will not be charged over masseuse allegations, especially after all the payoffs!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

We're Closed! Doc Is Becoming A Lawyer.

Paperwork nightmare: A struggle to fix new health law. Each doctor to receive a copy of 12,786-page booklet.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Paperwork In New Health Care Bill

Paperwork nightmare: A struggle to fix new law as twelve copies of all treatments must be stored in case there's a possible trial later. 10,000 doctors begin packing for other countries.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Just A Few Old Friends, Hillary

The big day: Chelsea Clinton to wed in upstate NY . Lots of Bill's old girlfriends to attend....or else.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Dog Was Behind It All

NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. New York City may pardon David Berkowitz.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Born A Cannibal, What Can You Do?

NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. New York may pardon Albert Fish.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Probably Choking Incident While A Youngster

NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Massachusetts may pardon the Boston Strangler.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Misunderstood

NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Chicago may pardon Al Capone.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

We're All In This Thing Together

NM governor considers pardon for Billy the Kid. Missouri the same with Bonnie & Clyde.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Pair Caught In Frog?

Wealthy Dallas brothers become SEC frog target! I'm sorry, that should be "fraud" target.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Space Rays Under Antartica

Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Serious study begins finding out about Space Rays toward earth!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Science/Science Fiction?

Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Scientists at a loss over why hidden under ice.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Underwater Discovery

Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Is this where the UFO's go to hide?

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Rays From Outer Space

Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! Are we being zapped by aliens?

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Space, The Final Frontier

Antarctica Experiment Discovers Puzzling Space Ray Pattern! "They are only coming from one area of space", say investigators.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Facebook Leak

The Facebook Data Torrent Debacle: Q&A as all info on Facebook becomes available to everyone.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Debris On Ocean Floor

Debris in relief well sets back work on gusher. "Bonnie left us a little present", says new CEO of BP.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Erhics Panel After Waters

Ethics panel to charge California Rep. Waters as the dominoes continue to fall.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Goldman Sachs Bans Cursing in E-Mails

Oh, they can still rip people off, but they have to do it without uttering bad words.

written by Charpa93, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Get On The Road Again!

Willie Nelson caught "Off The Road Again" in the bushes beside the highway.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

New Home Heating Product Debuted

The 'Petrol Pal' will heat a normal house. It looks like a fireplace insert or wood stove. The fuel is sand saturated with crude oil. Purchase fuel or harvest at a nearby oil polluted beach.

written by C. Cranium, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Cheney Made Bush Let It Stay

President Obama finally takes down Bill Clinton's "The Suck Stops Here" sign from the Oral Orifice.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Memory Gets Worse

In recorded notes, the 'Good Ole Days' found to be hot, cold, meal-less with outdoor crapping!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Might As Well Enjoy The Trip

Texas man who married Arkansas woman with the world's biggest breasts gets his head hung and stuck until medics arrive. they take turns trying to pull his head back out, but not too hard.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Yee-Haw!!

Kansas man who just married the woman with the biggest breasts apparently bounced all the way off the bed twice but kept getting right back on!

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Arkansas Man Dead

Arkansas man who married woman with the world's biggest breasts accidentally smothered to death during the night.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

I Guess I've Lost IT!

Bored 80-year-old disappointed after a week of greeting UPS delivery men while in the nude.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

A Sad Song!

Blues singer announces that his next song will take ten minutes to sing because it always makes him cry for 3-4 minutes.

written by Bureau, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues

Actually, there is a cure: 2 pts vodka, 1 pt gin, 1 pt whiskey (single malt if you've got it), 1 pt tequila, 1/8 tsp lime juice, and 1 medium ice cube. Mix and drain over ice cube. Chill. Enjoy.

written by C. Cranium, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Reality is Real, Really

New Reality Show goes on site of Real Reality Shows and confirms realness, or exposes when it isn't real.

written by C. Cranium, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Appeal Expected

Federal judge rules Acme Toilet Paper Corp. executive cannot join the Beta Toilet Paper Co. The executive knows Acme's trade secret of "how to make your arse kissing sweet!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Spain to Ban Bulls

Bullfights will not be banned in Spain but bulls, there was a translation error. Animal rights activists agreed to replace the bull with two people in a bull costume in exchange for saving the bulls!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Where's the Oil?

40 million gallons of crude oil are missing from the spill in the gulf. This may be explained by federal government agency incompetency, environmentalists lying or BP CEO Hayward taking it with him.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Democratic Liberal Far Left Madrassas' Teachings

GOOD: Trashing the Constitution, unions, taxes, wealth redistribution, mandates, & amnesty for illegals. NOT SO GOOD: Corporations, free speech, Wall Street, free enterprise & what Americans desire.




written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Obama Trashing the Constitution Again

King Obama I is trying to buy 12 million Democratic votes by executive order (amnesty for illegal immigrants). He plans to keep them in the White House basement so Congress doesn't notice!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

New Health Care Tax

Federal government advises people with patios that get too hot in the sun and who can't afford a cover to party in the nude. Congress passes a skin tax for the provided vitamin D.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

Washington DC Migration

US economy may be stuck, indicated by drop in internal migrations to seek jobs. Republicans are trying to speed up Democratic liberal left Congressmen's migration from Washington DC in November 2010!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
Rating:

My Dog Ate My Homework

Man caught by police in the act of robbing a gas station. The alleged suspect claims racial discrimination, racial profiling, gay bashing and gender bias but not that he is innocent!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 31 July 2010
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