Spoof news snippets from Saturday 3 July 2010
New President Elected
Kyrgyzstan installs new president, Kygenisterxiode (Mick) Madaghygusinsrc.
"Gonna Send 5 Copies To My Mother"
General McCHRYSTAL: "At least I got something few others ever get from losing my job in Afghanistan: I made the cover of the Rolling Stone!
Mimimum Wage
Minimum wage for CA state workers? "That should go for old Shlongdragger too", says one.
White On Lebron
Betty White continues to lure LeBron to stay. "Somebody keep that old broad away from me", he asks officials.
Plan Could Backfire
Strategist: Blame game could backfire. Especially the encouragement of eating a lot of roughage. "Get some beano", he advises.
Right On The 4th!
Abu Daoud, the man who claimed to be the mastermind behind the massacre that marked the 1972 Munich Olympics, has died. Israel has called for a day of national celebration!
Record Number Unemployed
A record 1.21 million people want to work, but said they aren't looking because of the weak labor market, a new report says. "Besides, as long as they can stretch the unemployment payments, I'm OK!"
New Gibson Movie
Mel Gibson, sobering up from his latest rant against minorities, will begin filming "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Pissed off Max!"
Your Kampf, not Mein
Germans crush Argentina 4-0 Saturday in World Cup quarterfinal. With U.S. already out of picture, likely no one left to stop blitzkrieg as ruthless German squad establishes soccer's New World Order.
The Lollipop Shield
"School crossing ladies with cameras in their lollipops" brings lots of laughs to Americans until they discover that lollipops are signs.
Three Holes In One!
Golfer defies 67m-to-one odds to hit two holes-in-one in the same round. Plans to celebrate by hitting third hole in one as soon as he gets home!
Meth Explosion
Poor meth addict scarred for life as ingredients explode in her face, knocking out her last tooth.
Message Mix-Up!
Fit, active and clearly not FAT: So why was boy, 11, sent devastating letter by NHS telling him to lose weight? "It was meant fr that other kid, Lardass", says Principal.
More Rediculous Justice
Police hunt for gunman who 'shot ex-girlfriend and killed her lover' just hours after being released from prison. "We never took his threats seriously", stated prison warden.
Russia Goes Undefeated
Absent Russia will win World Cup, 8 percent of nation say. No on can beat Russia say citizens, especially if they are not entered.
Ripley's Reopens
Ripley's reopens in San Francisco with Mirror Maze. Throwback still brings laughs to viewers, especially now that they are so fat!
Features Mackinac Blue Period!
New Mackinac Art Museum opens ahead of schedule, good news for all the Mackinac Art fans.
Shows Lasted Longer
Kelsey Grammer, wife Lilith, ending 13-year marriage.
Live To Be 100!
Closing in on genes that help people live to 100, although the last 10-15 years on a feeding tube.
No Threat To Fish!
Ohio lake's algae dangerous to swimmers, economy, but no longer a threat to dead fish.
Driving While Blind?
Driving while blind? Maybe, with new high-tech car! Blind drunk celebrities celebrate. "We can now just close out eyes!"
Health Care Plan Has Same Results
Health overhaul may mean longer ER waits, crowding, just as every other socialized medicine in other countries has occurred.
Livingston Letter Deciphered
David Livingstone letter deciphered at last. It was "Dr. Livingston, I consume" as Stanley was joking about cannibalism in the area.
Might Harm Kids Watching
Television networks ban new Viagra commercial with Bugs Bunny sayin, "Naaah, what's up Doc?"
Docking Fails
Naaah, What's Up Dock? Supply ship fails to dock with space station. Will try again but crew will soon have to eat them, themselves.
Moynihan Warned Us Earlier
Moynihan, as Nixon aide, warned of global warming. "He was always saying 'Is it hot in here or is it me?' says Kissinger.
Here Comes A Repair Hammer!
New US satellite to monitor debris in Earth orbit. Expected to show need of space garbage collector.
Quite A Bit Up There
New US satellite to monitor debris in Earth orbit downed by floating bottle of vodka!
Solar Power Investment
Obama awards $2B for solar power, hails new jobs, nice tans!
Mortgage Rates Bottom
Mortgage rates scream buy, but who is listening, as credit cards payments, student loans and auto payments scream louder!
Poor Gov. Workers
State and local gov't workers' job security fades. Now they know what everyone else feels.
Tea Party After Biggies
Tea party's next wave rising in Alaska to Colorado with their big electoral vote count.
An Amazing Woman
Hilary Clinton juggles diplomacy, wedding prep demands, Bill out whoring around.
NKorea Not Responsible
US largely ruling out NKorea in 2009 cyberattacks, but still believe Kim behind huge illegal downloading of cartoons.
Russia Looking For Any US Spies
Spy arrests offer bit of Cold War nostalgia. Baby Boomers admit it brings a tear to the eye.
Judge Trying To Streamline Lawsuits
Federal judge tries to streamline oil spill suits as i could take awhile for 25,000 different individual lawsuits to get through the courts.
Pretty Rough Going Predicted
Stocks fall as jobs report adds to economic fears that every single person is doomed to disaster financially. Other than that, things seem to be looking up!.
Created Another Monster
Giant oil skimmer being tested in Gulf of Mexico, turns on it's owners and strikes out on it's own!
Likes The Sound
Senate GOP leader opposes Kagan, but will approve because of name being so close to that of "Reagan".
BP Is Helping
Giant oil skimmer being tested in Gulf of Mexico. BP has really helped us in seeing how this can work", says skipper.
BP Could Save Economy
BP has announced that they have shown much progress with their experiment of turning sea water into fuel.
Gun Ban Lifts
High Court strikes down Chicago hand gun ban. Owners may now remove them from hidden places all over the house.
Kagan Surprise
Kagan hearing begins with political partisanship, something no one expected.
Obama Moving On Immigration
President Obama quietly moving on immigration reform, considering 5 million new votes up for grabs.
Relief Well Might Strike Oil!
Relief well nears Gulf oil spill source. "Hope that doesn't provide two of them", says oil worker.
It Was Obama
President Obama doubles broadband Spectrum! Did that say, SPECTRUM?
Crosses The Line?
Jury just might vote for the death penalty for guy who killed 2,000 people and ate them.
Bisexuals Last Out Of Closet?
Bisexual male is the last one out of the closet. "Not so!" says shout from closet over pig squeals."
American Strategy
Gen. Petraeus calls for unity in Afghanistan war. Calls all leaders to come to him and they can use baseball bat to choose sides.
North Korea Out
US largely ruling out NKorea in 2009 cyberattacks, after seeing squirrels in cages.
Les Freedom Of Speech?
Military officials will need OK before interviews. That should help Hillary's recent advice in Poland for more freedom of speech.
Nigerian Sailors Kidnapped
Nigeria: 12 foreign sailors kidnapped by pirates. "You can help us free them with only 10,000 people sending $10 each."
Too Many Factions
Gen. Petraeus calls for unity in Afghanistan war. "None of us are getting anywhere. We need to choose up sides!"
Hot Air Out Of Washington
Obama awards $2B for solar power, $1M for wind power, hails new jobs, savings on eating windy foods.
Mayor Daley Grows Nostalgic
Mayor Daley lays out strict gun rules for Chicago. Harkens back to the good old days of old-fashioned switchblades and clubs!
Dayly Gets Tough
Mayor Daley lays out strict gun rules for Chicago. "No more machine guns, AK-47's, missile launchers!"
Politics To Blame This Time
Obama says politics to blame for immigration delay. "If I were king, all this politics would end and we would get something done..like stopping the oil spill."
Unlike The Obama Administration
Clinton says steel vise crushing global activists. "People are afraid to speak out. They've got us by the balls."
Biden In Iraq
VP Biden arrives in Iraq amid political and colon impasse.
Beckenbauer Hails England As World's Finest...
Beckenbauer Hails England As World's Finest, Amidst Rumours Of The German Taking Fabio Capello's 3 Lions Post Following The World Cup. "England Are A Brilliant Side, Up There With The Best Around.."
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele Proves His Stupidity
Steele criticizes Obama by stating the war in Afghanistan is "a war of Obama's choosing." Conveniently forgetting the US was attacked on Sept 11 2001 and that we've been at war since then. Idiot.
KKK Membership OK Says Bill Clinton
Clinton says it's OK for the late Sen Bryd (D) to have joined the KKK because "He was trying to get elected." KKK expects membership to swell with democrats expecting to be elected to national office.
Britney Spears Wants To Show Off Her Vagina Real Soon
Britney Spears says she is seriously thinking about showing off her vagina so people can forget about Miley Cyrus' vagina.
Sarah Palin's Boobs & Butt
Sarah Palin has denied having breast augmentation but has admitted to having her butt lifted so that now it is located exactly where it should be.
Condoleezza Rice Says She Is Not A Lesbian
Condoleezza Rice denies that she is a lesbian, but adds that she would not mind having Sandra Bullock suck her lips.
Glenn Beck Is A Closet Nazi
Glenn Beck has admitted that he has a "Nazi's Rule" tattoo on his ass.
Toby Keith's Secret About Natalie Maines
Toby Keith says he still believes that Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines has a pecker.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
"These are the times that try men's souls," wrote Thomas Paine, while our army was on the retreat. I say nuke the Tories!!!
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
General Howe attacked New York City, driving our troops back to Harlem. Great. Send a bunch of armed white people to Harlem.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
I can deal with Tories occupying our land, I can deal with taxation without representation, but soccer as our national sport? Soccer? Never!
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
Some of our army is going up north to defend Canada. WHY?!?
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
Just saw the Minutemen firing at the Tories with muskets. F--k that, I'm bringin' my 9 and my AK, yo
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
General Washington unsuccessful getting Indians to fight for our cause. Let's deport them back to India.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
My wife must have found out that I applied to fight for the Colonies, because she referred to me as a Minuteman today. Also, is that the oldest joke ever??
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
Just read the book, "The Patroit." I can imagine this being made into a play, perhaps starring an Australian racist and an Australian drug addict.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
The" Treaty of F-k You England, Everything From Canada To Mexico is Ours, Ours, OURS! Bwah Hah Hah" is being shortened to "Treaty of Paris," which is much easier.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
Spain successfully expelled the Tories from Southern Florida. They don't seem to be in a rush to leave. I can't imagine Spanish -speaking people in South Florida, though.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
General Washington said he is going to be on TV tonight, on Larry King Live. Whatever the hell TV is.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
Those a--hole French! They won't allow uf to fly over their airfpace. Thank God the airplane wasnt invented yet!
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
King George III is a total dick. "We ask too much." All we want is Parliamentary representation and season 3 of "Fry and Laurie" on Blu-Ray.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
For their help with our War of Revolution, France must always be remembered as the most courageous nation on Earth. France is synonymous with "Never Surrender!"
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
King George III is a total dick. "We ask too much." All we want is Parliamentary representation and season 3 of "Fry and Laurie" on Blu-Ray.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
Just wrote to George III; oh, excuse me: ""George the Third, by the Grace of God, King of Great Britain, France, and Ireland, Defender of the Faith, and so forth" Pompous ass.
Rare! Facebook updates from Revolutionary War.
General Washington unsuccessful getting Indians to fight for our cause. We should give them blankets infected with smallox.
Ghana and Nigeria are 2 separate states in the same official country
Do you ever wonder why loads of scams from Africa come out of Nigeria and Ghana? Nigeria and Ghana are part of The Republic of Scammer Land.
Netherlands Berates Brazil in Football
The Netherlands team called the Brazilian team a bunch of nuts. The boys from Brazil retorted that the Dutch were a bunch of cheese heads!
So That's How it's Done
Hollywood starlets who do not get boob jobs leave California and become conservatives. Hollywood starlets who get boob jobs including brain pumping, stay in California and become liberals!
Happy 4th of July 2010
Fifty six free men signed the Declaration of Independence in 1776. How many Czars does President Obama currently have?
EPA by any other Name
President Obama changes the name of Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to Environmental Protection Assholes in keeping with his kickass strategy!
Obama Administration Explained
Democratic far left liberals are descended from 19th century British Luddites. The liberals are actually against change, but are for controlling every citizen's life, e.g. "we know better than you!"
Chicago's New Gun Law
"Citizens possessing illegal handguns (ban was approved 28 years ago) have 90 days to register the weapons." All 3 million Chicago residents were heard to say &*%$ @!* and the horse you rode in on!
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