Spoof news snippets from Sunday 11 July 2010
We Need The Money
It was so hot in Los Angeles yesterday that Governor Schwarzenegger began taxing snow cones.
Lindsay In Court
Lindsay Lohan after given a 90 day sentence in jail: "Why don't you make it three whole months so I'll crack up completely?"
Paul Predictions
Paul the Octopus predicts that over 50% of 2011 movies will be about vampires.
Smuggling Ring Broken
Placebo smuggling ring with headquarters in Nigeria closed down in joint US/Nigerian Bank effort.
Paul the Psychic Octopus found Dead
After failing to make a correct prediction of Holland to win the 2010 FIFA World Cup, Paul the Psychic Octopus has been found strung up by his tentacles.
Britain can be great again
The World Cup ceremonies were pants, we can beat that. Let's wheel out Thatcher for a spin about London in 2012 and smile anyone who has recently had dental work. We can be Great Britain once more!
Bush Confession
George W. Bush told a biographer today that he was always afraid of snakes. "Those big teeth always reminded me of those staple removers! Ooooohhh."
Catholics Upset
Catholics Upset Over Rosary Beads as Fashion! "Should call them, Buddhist Beads!
PLO Insight
Palestinian President: Direct Talks with Israel, which doesn't exist, 'Futile'.
Don't Give Away Too Much
Attorney general: Russian spies posed threat to US. We also think that Russia's nuclear warheads do the same. But that's just us.
Reality #1
8 Realities of the New Retirement: Reality #1. You can retire immediately at any age as long as you can keep Obama in as President.
Picking On One State
Attorney General Holder: US to watch Arizona for racial profiling.
Arizona Gov: We consider that a racist remark.
Fire Away!
Att. Gen. Holder says there's a real question about terrorist suspect such as self-professed 911 mastermind Khalid Mohammed can face the death penalty if he pleads guilty, but not to most people.
Here She Is Again!
NY woman questioned again and again over ID mix-up. "And every single time I come back in, they have me down as still another person. Do they think my Mom was the original Octomom?"
We're Ready To Dispense!
Jobless benefits, penis extension? Obama promises if you will vote Democrat in the fall.
Smartass Kid
Oil flows freely as cap work begins. Kid points out to BP: "Why not use one of those caps over there until you get this one fixed?"
No One Can Eat After Awhile
"Loose Gut" Billy Braham expelled from any more ears of corn eating contests at county fairs.
Recall Extended
That recall of plastic baseball bats from China last week has been extended to include horny priests.
World Cup Webb
World Cup final referee & Yorkshire cop Howard Webb says that although he hasn't fired his Taser so far in the tournament, he would be prepared to use it on the Spanish. "I don't like them", he said.
More Tax Forms!
New rules mean millions more tax forms for businesses. CPA's to vote in masses for Obama in 2012.
We've Heard Enough
Vigilante group say that next presidential candidate that says he will "reduce the nations dependence upon foreign oil" will be offed by sundown!
Drilling Ban Continues
First rig sails away over drilling ban. Saudis, others raise to raise price of gasoline to $10 a gallon.
"Do You Take This Weiner?"
Bill Clinton to Officiate at Weiner Wedding, after many years of practice.
Biden/Limbaugh Exchange
Biden jokes about spy swap: 'Hoped they'd take Rush Limbaugh'. Limbaugh says they should have taken Obama.
It's Almost Here!
World Cup frenzy reaches fever pitch as final looms, vuvuzelas ready to begin burrowing back into the earth for 17 years.
Free Ice Cream!
Health chiefs are to hand out free ice creams to workers in a bid to reduce their stress levels. "Higher pay would do better", they insist!
Everything Starts Small
The French have stolen our beach: Ferry firm erects fence to keep locals off sands they've used for generations as WWIII may be in beginning stages.
Pope Too Busy!
Prince Charles snubbed as 'too busy' Pope refuses to meet him. "I don't have time to hear all that horse talk."
Laser Outlaw Arrested
Police face questions over use of Taser seconds before Moat killed himself. Officer arrested for cruel methods.
LeBron's Mural Coming Down
LeBron's mural coming down in Cleveland. Fines imposed on anyone ever again mentioning his name!
This Doesn't Make Up For It
Germany beats Uruguay for 3rd place, 3-2. Still planning to do away with Paul The Octopus!
Could Be Within This Century
Outrigger announces plans for Vietnam resort, just as soon as the last 10,000 land mines defused.
Though Nothing Found
Naomi Campbell will testify at war crimes trial after police dig up both the front and back yard.
Gifted Group
French team performs total face transplant with eyelids, appendectomy with their toes!
Safe To Eat, But Not Smell
NOAA: Gulf seafood tested so far is safe to eat, as nose pins given along with napkins at tables.
Asteroid Studied Further
European Space Agency looking closely at asteroid. Let's get down to facts. We're all dead meat, right?
Big Chanes Expected
New rules, big changes coming for financial world, since everybody is broke!
Help For Vets, Others
Obama: More post-traumatic stress help planned for vets, tax payers!
Lose/Lose Siruation
Struggling states seeking more aid from Washington while Washington was all set to raise state's share of US taxes.
Air France Plane Forced To Land
Brazil: Air France jet lands after bomb treat! Sorry, that should be bomb threat!
New Fidel Pics!
New photos show smiling Fidel Castro out in public, looking lost and nude!
Flyover Dead Ocean
Scientists survey marine life in Gulf flyover, or rather, where there once was marine life.
Bring In The Clams
Scientists roll out mats to kill Lake Tahoe clowns! I'm sorry, that should be 'clams'.
Mobster Takes A Big Step!
Son of NYC mobster Mickey Spillane falls to death. "He tripped over Luigi's big foot", states witness.
It's A Standoff
Chinese credit firm says US worse risk than China. US credit firm says China worse than the US. Neither have anything to brag about.
Another Recall!
Now Toyota has recalled over 100,000 Toyota Kamikazes as drivers keep driving them over cliffs.
Hot-footed Bandit Arrested
Official: Bahamas police catch 'Barefoot Bandit' after heat wave brings asphalt to 135 degrees.
Don't Look So Close!
Toyota lashed out at instructor during big recall. Fired over finding their latest defect!
Placeboes Dangerous?
FDA review spotlights heart risk of diabetes and sugar pills.
Fishing For Family's Food
Amazon river dolphins being slaughtered for bait but what cannibals in the area are using is even worse.
Anothe Identity Theft
NY woman questioned again and again over ID mix-up. "By now, I don't even know who I am anymore!"
Watch That Kennedy
Kennedy's clout could grow on high court as he is now into his 6th month of weight-lifting!
Oil Unleashed
Oil unleashed temporarily in attempt to contain it. BP: "This sometimes happens." (but 35 times?).
Japanese Losing Seats
Exit polls: Japan's ruling party loses seats. This hasn't happened since, well, three months ago! You heard it here first!
Southern Californians bare their butts at passing trains!
The annual event of Mooning, butt flashing at passing trains continues to shock Southern Californians because it's not done in a "Gay Way" and womens butts are not hairy!
Cheryl's Malaria choosy about host
Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Tweedy lobbyists are adamant that her Malaria strain could not be caught by 'commoners' and therefore should be reclassified as 'Cherylaria'.
WHO is fiercely resisting the move.
Biological Clock
So out of time that during spring fever you hybernate.
GOP Senator Claims Women Changing Politics is Cruel Hoax
"Believe me, they are no better than we men."
New Bird Sanctuary Designated
The Department of the Interior has designated San Francisco CA as a far left liberal loon sanctuary, to be dedicated after January 4, 2011.
Wealth Redistribution Redefined
The 53% of American's who pay US income taxes, all walked off their jobs today. These workers want the other 47% who don't pay income taxes to carry the load for awhile!
New EPA Environmental Study Released
A miasma causes the San Francisco City Council to pass inane ordinances about safety warnings for cell phones and banning pets and soft drinks! The miasma is from legal marijuana cigarette smoke.
Russian Spies Return Home
President Obama admitted today that despite efforts of the food police & the CIA, the spies got the secret KFC recipe (16 herbs & spices). Expect to see Kremlin Fried Chicken (KFC) in Moscow soon!
San Francisco CA to Ban Animal Companions III
SF pet police requesting city residents to bring Fido & Fluffy to Giant Stadium where they will be humanely euthanized meets with a huge outcry. Stray dogs will now be sent to Baghdad Iraq to be shot!
Another BP Spill
President Obama lost it, when at his daily CIA briefing, he was told BP CEO Tony Hayward removed the cap on a bargain brand tube of tooth paste and the gel squirted all over the bathroom.
Repressed Spending Syndrome
President Obama was very frugal going to law school & while serving in the Illinois legislature & the US Senate. How come the president runs up a $3 trillion USA IOU after moving into the White House?
NBA Changes?
NBA thinking about having a four-pointer distance, doing away with dribbling altogether.
Two The Night Before
Three mimes in Paris have their invisible cubes broken into during the night. "Where were the police?"
'They're Drinking It Themselves'
Bum in Bronx claims they're watering down the soup at the mission, hiding the vanilla extract.
"Well, We Tried!"
No students at bus stop after school bus two minutes late!
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