Spoof news snippets from Thursday 7 January 2010
Snow cancels Climate Warming Demo
London: Climate Demo.postponed due to big freeze,"We are waiting for warmer weather" said spokesperson Miss Guided,for W.A.D. (We're all doomed)
"Shitless Shirtless Tiger to Grace Vanity Fair Cover." I'm sorry. That should have been "Shirtless Tiger to Grace Vanity Fair Cover."
Bush Uses Solar Energy
Former president Bush claims he used solar energy as a kid many years ahead of his time..on anthill behind family home.
Competitive Old Gal
Grandmother aboard cruise ship cracks wooden cue over grandson's head after he helps grandfather beat her and friend at shuffleboard.
Gordon Brown nearly blown away by Guy Fawkes!
Gordon Brown was the victim of a coup d'état and the perpetrator was none other than ol Guy Fawkes and a couple of sneaky Labour MP's. David Cameron has promised to finish the job!
Worked For Awhile
National chain of 'Big And Tall Jockey Stores' stores go into bankruptcy!
Chip In Chimp
Computer hacking traced back to chip that was transplanted in chimp in Thailand.
FBI Studying Video
Latest Osama Bin Laden video shows aging Jimmy Hoffa eating a piece of roasted goat in the background.
Washington couple collects cans to pay for wedding. "I feel that ten years down the road will bring me to the alter", says fiance.
Athlete's Foot Makes a Run for the Record Books
Scientists discover footprints of 395 million-year-old tetrapod agile enough to run on four legs without dragging body. Microfossils indicate creature suffered from first known case of foot fungus.
Charlie Sheen is dropped by his "Undie Company" and then "DUNKED" by Michael Jordan!
After threatening to kill his wife Charlie Sheen was thrown in the slammer, he dropped his pants then he was dropped by his "Undie" company and now "Air Jordan" has "dunked" him too!
Man Gets Penis Stuck in Stainless Steel Pipe
A 40-year-old man in Southampton had his penis cut free from a stainless steel pipe. It is not known how long it was, but firemen had to use a 4.5 inch angle grinder and a knob of butter to free it.
Arafat, Self-Made Billionaire
Arafat's widow claims the PLO leader earned his $1.3 billion nest egg by selling perfecting round throwing rocks to his people.
Better Get It On!
Joe Lieberman advises Obama to attack terrorist bases in Yemen now before cooler heads can prevail!
Tiger Gets Surprise!
Tiger Woods tells lady reporter that he loves kids. "That's good, Mr. Woods, because here comes a few you never knew about."
Two More Years
2012 will definitely be our last year, according to the Pollyanna Club in Happy Acres, Florida!
Proud Father Of Twenty
The most popular man in the town of Butembo in the Congo is their mayor, who has several wives. His name in Congolese is translated "The Big Snake", which he gave to himself.
Warren Beatty Answers Famous Gilligan's Island Debate
"I've had both Mary Ann and Ginger....Mrs. Howell was better."
Newest Brady Bunch Sequel Will Not Include Famous Staircase Shot
One former child actor says "Are you kidding! I've had both hips and a knee replaced. We're too damned old to climb stairs!"
Dallas Cowboys May Terminate Head Coach If They Lose Playoff Game
If it happens, Jerry Jones will still be the man who has fired every coach that the Dallas Cowboys have ever had.
Hollywood rumors circulating about Hogan's Heroes Remake
Studio Chief Hans Shultz says "I know nothing! Nothing!"
Twilight Author Announces New Monsters Will Be Added For Next Book
"I've written my earlier ones with vampires and werewolves, so now we've got to include Frankenstien and the Mummy." Can Abbott and Costello be far behind?
Truck Stop Owners Admit Restroom Condom Vending Machines Make Lots of Money
"I haven't filled mine in three years, and no one ever complains that it's empty."
Obama Administration Says They Are Still Looking For His Birth Certificate
Intense, three month search determines that it isn't in Malia's room.
America's Got Talent Looking For New Celebrity Judge
Paula Abdul wants to know where to send resume'
David Hasselhoff Quits America's Got Talent
He discovered that he didn't.
Suspended NBA Player Gilbert Arenas Still Looking For Sports Work
He was upset to learn that the San Antonio Gunslingers of the USFL no longer existed.
High School Basketball Team Scores 100 Points in the First Half
Players and coach, however, score no points in class or sportsmanship competition.
Victoria's Secret Swimsuit Catalogue Ready For Publication
There's not a lot of difference between the bikini bottoms and the bikini panties.
Wave of "Global Warming" hits the UK, Europe, BRASS MONKEYS!
The latest warning in the "Global Warming" saga is hitting the UK it's called, "FREEZE YOUR NUTS OFF LADDIE!"
Andre Dawson Elected To Baseball Hall of Fame
BALCO and steroids fall 23 votes short.
Winner of Season Three of The Biggest Loser Gains Back The Weight
I guess he really was the biggest Loser!
Stacy Keibler to Guest Star in 100th Episode of How I Met Your Mother
Father Ernie Says "she's come a long way since she first made cookies with me and the other elfs in our hollow tree"
Police officers admit off-camera that profiling not only works but is thoroughly satisfying.
"Humans are a good source of protein", says motivational speaker at "Survival After The Nucklar Bomb!" in Crawford, Texas.
Back With A Vengeance?
Swine Flu merely luring us to sleep, claims doctor, who is preparing for Swine Flu Colonies in his area.
Georgia man receives junk mail from plastic surgery company with heading, "Would you enjoy looking like this fat ass? We can help prevent it!", with HIS picture on it!
Properly Wheeled Out
Crippled 76-year-old guy in wheelchair crashes "Eighty Is Matey" singles event!
NBA Suspends Gilbert Arenas For Actions With Guns
Athlete wonders if he could play in the NFL with a team that uses the "run and shoot" offense.
Pizza delivery chain to offer improved sauce, improved crust, improved cheese, and improved toppings
What they don't admit is that their product was crap for forty years.
Hanes To Drop Underwear Ads Featuring Charlie Sheen
It just wouldn't look right when he tells people that the waistband "isn't as cutting as other brands."
Redskins Give Mike Shanahan 5 Year, $35 Million Deal
Considering recent success, that works out to $2 million per victory
Pitcher Randy Johnson Retires From Major League Baseball After 22 Seasons
with a nickname like "The Big Unit," can he have anything in his future but being a porn star?
Cast Revealed For 20th Season of Survivor
It ought to be the viewing public, for "surviving" this crap for ten years without brain damage.
Warren Beatty Snubs People's Choice Awards
Says "I've already slept with all those women, so I had to pick up a girl somewhere else."
First Step On Land
Oldest footprints reveal when sea creatures took their first steps on land, as scientists discover rock with "That's one small step for crabs, one big step for crabkind."
Tiger Woods Gets Special Award At People's Choice Awards
Best Performance As A Crash Test Dummy
Taylor Swift Was Not Insulted At The People's Choice Awards
Kanye West Vows To Make Up For It At Upcoming Grammy's
North Dakota Records -57 Degree Wind Chill
Yes, the frigid Hillary Clinton was in the state.
Drinkers Receive Double Whammy
Drinkers hit by 10p a pint increase, half a glass of foam, as brewers struggle in recession.
Beans, Toast Costs Up!
Money fears overtake waistline worries as Brits tighten belts, eat more beans on toast, during the recession.
"We Have The Right To Remain Silent!"
Police officers ordered by Home Office: 'Don't talk about crime as it upsets people, especially during arrests.'
No Decision On Naked Except For Burkhas
Women who wear burkhas on the street in France face fines of more than £700, while going nude rewarded with £5.
Lottey Winner Found Dead
One of Britain's youngest lottery millionaires found dead at luxury home where he lived as recluse. Small brown spider may have bit him.
First Inside A Tunnel
Hundreds stranded in Channel Tunnel as Eurostar train breaks down AGAIN. Eurostar blames near blackout of blinding, blowing snowstorm.
Airline Pickpocket Hero
Airline pickpocket who strikes as passengers sleep becomes hero after accidentally defusing bomb in billfold.
Senators Demand Security
New Jersey senators call for improved security, better bartenders at all airports.
"Want I Should Talk, Boss?"
Expert says US failed to learn lesson of the shoe bomber or underwear bomber. Now questioning Roberto Fathead over bomb that once went off in his hat.
Charlie Sheen Dropped
Hanes Underwear drops ads featuring Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen drops Hanes Underwear in response.
Comments on Buddhism, Tiger Woods upset faithful as Tiger Woods worshipers attack comments from Brit Hume.
Fat Goes High-Tech
Fight against fat goes high-tech with new devices as home, Do It Yourself cosmetic kits being sold at drugstores. "Partner to pull back skin, scrape off fat".
TV Sales Still Up!
TV makers ready to test depths of market for 3-D. Time for everyone to go buy a TV again!
Global Warming Eased
Experts: Cold snap doesn't disprove global warming. It just means that we are no experts.
Lean, Mean Machines
GM boss expects 2010 profit for leaner automaker, who's workers have lost an average 5 pounds each since pay cuts.
Holocaust Museum Shooter Dies
Accused Holocaust museum shooter dies in prison. No known "Mourner's Kaddish" planned anywhere this Sabbath.
Stowmarket renamed Snowmarket
The town of Stowmarket in suffolk has to be renamed Snowmarket because of constant heavy snow falls.
"Bad Underwear Can Make You Mean!"
Obama to address report on botched terror attack, botched response. Still looking to blame someone from Bush Administration.
Supplies in demand for snow. "We have all these supplies, all we need now is a decent blizzard", says state worker.
"The Twilight Saga," "True Blood" and "The Vampire Diaries" all sucked up trophies Wednesday at the 36th annual People's Choice Awards, with Jonathon Frid receiving Lifetime Achievement Award!
Getting Rough On Both Sides
Activists pursue Japanese whalers by helicopter, drones, after their ship sunk.
Obama Tax Moves
AP sources: Obama backs hind-end health plan tax. I'm sorry, that should be "high end" health plan tax.
Justice In Iran
Iran to try 5 protesters it detained. The other 200 are listed as "Missing!".
Restaurants: That's The Average
Dieters Beware: Food Calorie Counts Are Frequently Off! Most restaurant dishes quite a bit higher in calories but serve workers very low free meals to equal out the whole.
Ky. Couple Win
Kentucky couple win $128M Powerball prize. "First thing I'm gonna do is take that old car down off those blocks and feed the coon hounds under the porch a double portion of Gravy Train!"
Snow, 50 Below!
Midwest bracing for heavy snow, wind chills of -50, Al Gore effigies to be burned on at a couple dozen rallies.
Obama To Speak Again
Obama to address report on botched terror attack, but first, about this health care bill....
Military Watching Both Countries
Plane bomb suspect joined al Qaeda in London, taught by American leader. Both the US and Britain a hotbed for al-Qaida activity.
Jonathan Ross Quits BBC
Presenter, Jonathan Ross, has finally quit the BBC, although it is not clear because at the time of his interview he was talking about his kwitics in the Andrew Sachs affair.
Scientists call dolphins 'non-human' persons
Can we add politicians and celebrities to that list?
Cell phones help mice fight Alzheimer's
Oh goody. Love those brainy mice!
Jack of 'LOST' not Jack Frost
Drugged out of his mind (some days), and on other days fighting to blow up the Island - to reset 'everything'.
Admits to 'sense crimes'; count 1: invading human body; count 2: befuddling human mind; count 3: harming liver; count 4: accessory to countless road deaths; count 5: getting Lot drunk.
"Obama has done more to harm the defenses of the USA than any President in living history".
C-SPAN Not Invited
Speaker Pelosi, Majority Leader Reid & the president's agents are seeking compromises to meld House & Senate health care legislation. They are playing strip poker behind closed doors, hence no C-SPAN!
No Need to Relocate
The transfer of terrorist detainees back to Yemen has been suspended, but they need a place to stay. GITMO has been suggested! A good choice since the detainees currently reside at GITMO.
More about Footprints
A university study claims elephants have a very large Carbon footprint. The governor of California has outlawed elephants & the EPA is considering a new rule. Sorry kids your pet elephant has to go!
Civil Rights Convention Held in Nigeria
Civil rights groups returning from a convention in Nigeria, via Northwest Airlines, noticed there was no profiling or full body scanning at the airport. A ship was chartered making a stop in Somalia.
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