Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 6 January 2010
True Grit
The snow has fallen quite heavily in parts of the UK and dentists are very busy gritting peoples teeth!
Scrooge Still Alive
Tennessee man keeps roll of dimes in his car's glove compartment just in case there's a roadblock for charity ahead.
Salahi's In Lion's Game
Tareq and Michaele Salahi admit that they played in one who set of plays for the Detroit Lions last Sunday. Tareq suffers turf toe injury.
Visits Down!
Authorities say that visits to "The Tomb Of The Unknown Jumper" near Wall Street are down as reality of economy sets in.
Obama Administration Better
Poll determines that a Vice President shooting someone in the face since President Obama has been in office off 100%, if you don't count Joe Biden's mouth.
Harrrrk, Ye Land Lubbers!
Bulletin: Pirrrate rrrradio stations arrrrrrrrrr beginning to appearrrr all acrrrrross Amerrrrrrica!
Turf Wars In NJ
Big fight for turf in New Jersey as Gang Who Watched Violence On TV rumbles with Gang That Played Violent Video Games.
We Done Did It!
Kentucky congress removes ban from previously banned hand guns. Then argue for ten hours over just what that meant, finally stopping with three shots fired into the air and loud cheers.
"Celts Only" - Cold Weather Payments Joy
Despite escaping the extreme weather Premier Gordon Brown has given a 6th cold weather payment for Strathclyde in Western Scotland. Local residents are laughing all the way to the pub and tobacconists
Woods Estate Surrounded
Latest report: Arnie's Army now have Tiger Woods gated community entirely surrounded.
Bi-Polar Bear Study
Scientists discover that bi-polar bears play with their victims before eating them.
Alcohol Causes Social Disease
New study finds that a large consumption of alcohol could lead to catching a social disease.
Bin Laden Escapes
CIA find Bin Laden's hideout by placing his name on Google. However, he dodges trap after Googling CIA.
"Here To Report, Old Whatsisname!"
Critics say that "60 Minutes" losing it's bearings lately due to rusty anchors.
Police Used Midget
Two more priests in Ireland caught trying to capture the youth market!
No SS Raise!
People who draw social security say that Obama using a hand puppet to tell them that they would get no raise this year wasn't funny in the least.
Have To Look Close
Artist inscribes the Great Wall of China on a single grain of rice.
Breastfeeding Benefits Questioned
Scientists have told women not to believe all the health benefits of breastfeeding. "It only seems beneficial to men, who gather to watch" they said.
Better Think It Over
Report: The whole American economy depends upon whether or not we "want fries with that?".
Obama Addresses Terrorism
President Barack Obama announced last night in weekly speech that in response to latest terror threat on airplane, "we must pass my health care bill."
"Twelve Inch Part" True
FDA finally gets off its ass long enough to ban twelve-inch penis pills from Nigeria, after several get long pills hung in throat.
Proud Parent?
Hubble telescope captures earliest images of universe - when it was just a 'baby' at 600 million years. Constantly asking scientists if they want to see it's new picture album.
Baby Formula No Fun To Watch
Breast is NOT best: Mother's milk no better than baby formula, scientists claim. Admits that they're more entertaining.
Global Warming Controversy Continues
BBC Trust to review science coverage amid claims of bias over climate change, "just as soon as this snow and ice finally melt."
He's Had Enough
Man who was upset over wheelie bin fines, sits in his and punches out two collectors when they take off the lid.
Parking Wardens Busy
Parking wardens issue more than £40,000 of fines in 400ft street over last three years. Credit "Free Parking Sign" in big letters, "for 2 minutes" in small.
They Can Turn On You
'Batboat' takes on the whalers... and loses: Hi-tech trimaran 'Ady Gil' sheared in half after being rammed by Japanese vessel, crew eaten by whales!
Twins Sign With The Twins
Conjoined Twins, Mary and Terry McBriar of North Carolina have signed a contracted to be a mascot for the Minnesota Twins this Spring.
Twins Win!
Mary and Terry McBriar once again win the sack race at the county fair in North Carolina.
Twins At Party
Mary and Terry McBriar, conjoined twins from Asheville, North Carolina, once again went to a costumed New Year's Party as a horse.
Bride In Jail
Bride who stole £470,000 from her employer to pay for dream wedding jailed for 2 year nightmare.
Britain Ice-Bound
Ice-bound Britain is paralyzed by the biggest snowfall for years and grit and gas supplies are already running low. US state of Georgia offers to send in some grits.
Pilot Admits He Was Over Drink Limit
United Airlines pilot admits being over drink limit. "I'd guess that I was about 100 feet above the plane."
JetBlue Expands
JetBlue expands presence to include JetLavender in San Francisco.
Another Brilliant Speech!
Obama says 'dots' not connected, colors wrongly painted outside the lines, in airline attack.
Barker Helping Anti-Whaling Group
Bob Barker helps stop whaling with namesake ship, "The Price Is...No More Whales".
No Rise In Drug Approvals
FDA drug approvals mostly concerns fat in 2009. I'm sorry, "mostly flat in 2009".
Body Language
Obama critic urges firings in airliner close call! Heads will row, Fire their asses, etc etc.
Senator Dodd Retires
Connecticut Senator Dodd to retire to spent more time at wild and crazy Connecticut hot spots.
Witnesses Appalled
Boats collide into each other during anti-whaling clash at Sea World in Florida.
Freeze Hits South
Cold snap gripping Gulf states threatens to crackle and pop power lines!
Always Be Ready
Kentucky preps for cold weather as emergency crews practice in huge freezers and coolers.
120 Witnesses Come Forth
Thirty two robberies and seventeen holdups lead to Tennessee man's arrest.
Ask Your Doctor If Its Safe For You
Fight against fat goes high-tech with new devices and creations such as the one month tape worm.
Freeze Damaging Crops
Cold snap gripping Gulf states threatens Florida citrus crop and late planted marijuana crops in southern Alabama, Georgia.
Moby's Revenge
Boats collide in anti-whaling clash in Antarctica after being lured by a great white whale with skeleton attached to side.
Charley Caught
Giant tuna fetches $177,000 at Japan fish auction as "Charley" had let himself go after losing Star Kist tuna commercial spot. Sorry Charley.
Strike Three!
Double Atomic bomb survivor dies in Japan as Godzilla finally catches up to him.
I'm Done Here
3 Democrats - 2 senators, 1 governor - to retire, spend time moving money around from Swiss banks before they are checked.
President Obama Issues Stern Warning During Press Briefing
"This is the last time I'm going to warn you! Please! Please! Please! Stop waking up Helen Thomas! She's an old lady and she needs her rest!"
Southern England brought to a standstill under eight inches of Cocaine
God takes responsibility, "I pushed the wrong button and dumped my stash by accident" He described how he realised his mistake after snorting three lines of snow and got a killer ice cream headache.
New "No-Fly" List to Include All Spoof Writers
Trans-Atlantic Steamer Service to be Resumed.
How to save the planet
Everyone should wear an Eddy Bauer welded to their body throughout winter - office and home heating bills would grind down to zero. Eddy Bauer = 'win win'
Grim O'Bama Says Terror Dots Not Connected
Smiling Hillary and Bob Connecting Dots with No Problem.
O'Bama to Get Terror Update (Again)
Somebody is ready to execute a Master Game Plan.
Who and what might it be?
Keep reading the Spoof to figure out the truth.
Is the Fed Rigging the Stock Market?
If they did, who would benefit?
Yep, its probably true.
US Lowers Threshold for "No-Fly" Status
Sales of beard trimmers and peroxide jumping.
Belly Too Potted?
Owner of pot-bellied pig in Florida says house broken into and pig looks like it's drugged.
Why O'Bama Should Meet with Cheney
Every Dog Should Know who is Holding the Leash!
Cardinals Flock To Vatican
Flocks of Cardinals now in the Vatican trying to improve their pecking order.
Rumor: Jordanian Doctor Blew Up CIA Officers
U.S. Generals back up in the air again awaiting landing destination in Jordan. Invasion to follow.
See No Evil
The Holy See says they have seen nothing unusual about priests accused of being abusive by choir boys.
Up Your Currancy!
US Treasury agents, tired of hearing complaints from other countries about the dollar, places "The Bird" on Bills instead of eagle.
Obama Back In Power
Barack Obama back in power after weekend threat of overthrow by his Mother-In-Law during the Obamas Hawaiian vacation.
Is it Time to Start Profiling?
Tiger won't be pleased with this new development.
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