Spoof news snippets from Saturday 30 January 2010
Serena Rules Down Under
Indeed she does. In between sets, she ripped some thunder that rocked the stadium.
Gay Dating Ad Sacked by CBS
"Not 2 Queer 4 U" ad featuring Rosie O'Donnell in a bath tub considered too scary for children.
Airlines Begin Putting Hundreds of Pilots on Furlough
As half the country is put on "No Fly List"
Could $$$ Deal End War with Taliban?
Sounds like Attila the Hun, All OveraGun
Justice Department Scrutinizing BCS Scheme
In ploy to get more free tickets to BCS Games for family and friends.
Toyota: Gas Pedal Fix Near
In the Meantime, Use only the Brake Pedal
"My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean, My Bonnie Lies Over The Sea,...."
Sounds to me like Bonnie needs to learn how to tell the truth.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State hopes to raise money to pay for this by turning in population as part of "Cash for Clunkers."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Jethro Bodine no longer permitted as the poster child for the state's higher education.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Sanitary human waste removal facilities will be referred to as restrooms or bathrooms, not crappers or shitters.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Metallic knives, forks, and spoons will replace plastic sporks at all state dinners.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Rejected State Motto: Arkansas; Where a girl acting sheepish is a whole other turn-on.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New State Motto Suggestion: We're training the Young Woman of the future to be footloose and fancy free, not just barefoot and pregnant.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New State Law: No more shotguns at wedding, even if your daughter is pregnant or dove season just started.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Rejected State Motto: Real soon, our biggest city's gonna have enough people to call it Large Rock
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Rejected State Motto Idea: Arkansas, where the family of the bride is also the family of the groom.
Left Out Of "Twilight; New Moon"
Part left out of recent Twilight movie: "We've got one of those suckers trapped", yelled the Sergeant. "He's in the funhouse of mirrors and he'll never be able to see himself out!"
Nick Griffin Is Confident in Winning the Next Election
BNP leader, Nick Griffin, looks forward to winning the next General Election after reading how Margaret Thatcher won hers by eating 28 eggs a day. He says that he gets pelted by at least 30 a day.
Arkansas Snow Job
Storm dumps 4-7" of snow on Northern Arkansas, causes power outage. Weather service expects 4-7" more tonight. Huddled with brother/father under blanket for warmth, Britney Sue expects same.
Council Offers Taxi Drivers Application Forms in Braille.
Portsmouth city council are offering taxi permits for drivers in Braille!
However, Portsmouth is well known for its 'blind alleys'.
Arkansas Governor Declares Emergency
Gov. Mike Beebe declares emergency in Arkansas after massive winter storm leaves most of state without power. Millions of frozen residents unable to read stupid snippets making fun of them.
Mini Problem gets Bigger
News headline: "Honda recalls 646,000 minicars"
Britney hires dog sickness 'tec
Britney Spears = Rent Rabies Spy
Britney ensnared by religion?
Britney Spears = Nearby Priests
Check of Britney's church affiliation!
Britney Spears = Presbyterians
Clinton hometown talking dirty?
Little Rock, Arkansas = Re: Anorak's Clit Talks
Miss Arkansas 2010 Is A Moose
No, really. She really is a moose.
Clinton hometown makes eunuchs of JFK grassy knoll deniers
Little Rock, Arkansas = Castrate A Knoll Risk
Bill Clinton hometown dragged into Scottish church tragedy
Little Rock, Arkansas = Lost A Ancestral Kirk
Bill Clinton's Zaprudder footage Irish detractors
Little Rock, Arkansas = Knoll's IRA Attackers
Clinton's birthplace honored
Little Rock, Arkansas = Askance A Skirt Troll
Lydon on Iraq
"The war on Iraq was illegal but the war on Cowell is pleasingly legal."
Arkansas Tolerates Mutants
"We don't have a choice," Spokesman says. "If'n we gut rid of the mutants they'd be nobody left heah."
Rush Libaugh chucks fudgepacker
Rush Limbaugh = I Hurl Bum Shag
Rush Limbaugh a Bush Jr stooge?
Rush Limbaugh = Hail Shrub Mug
Rush Limbaugh in the doldrums...
Rush Limbaugh = Ah, Glum Hubris
Rush Libaugh secrets revealed...
Rush Limbaugh = A Bush Girl Hum...He Screwed Jenna?????
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "The little pinetree shaped deororizers are for your car...not a necklace."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Children who are kept after school for disciplinary reasons should find their parents playing on the monkey bars awaiting their release.
GOP's subterranean FGM policy?
Republican Party = Prune Labia Crypt
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
A hunting license, fishing license, marraige license, and drivers license will no longer be on the same form.
GOP's Sarah Palin 2008 freakshow?
Republican Party = Run Lippy Cabaret
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Persons with four first names, such as Billy Joe Jim Bob, should decide which one to put on their nametags.
Arkansas Plans #32
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where the 42nd President of The United States Could Pop Out Any Trailer Door At Sunrise!"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Miss Arkansas pageant contestants to be taught that Miss Congeniality will no longer be the girl who puts out for the most judges.
GOP? They're just pussycats!
Republican Party = Capable Tiny Purr
GOP pay-as-you go grease?
Republican Party = Pre-pay Lubricant
Arkansas Plans #31
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Where You're Never More Than Five Miles From A Moonshine Still"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Artificial Turf will be put down at local ballfields to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
The state will no longer base their economy on the amount of trading done at the flea market.
Arkansas Plans #30
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Sharp As A Razorback, And Prettier Too!
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
All girls in the Miss Arkansas Pageant will be required to shave their legs and armpits before the swimsuit competition.
Arkansas Plans #29
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Let The New Madrid Fault Shake! We're On Wheels!"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Halloween vampire teeth will no longer be sold as dentures.
Arkansas Plans #28
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Home of the 300-Mile Trailer Park Yard Sale!"
Arkansas Plans #27
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "We average two more teeth than those in Kentucky!"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Remember, it isn't nice to refer to them colored fellers as Porch Monkeys."
Arkansas Plans #26
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism:"We Are Family...All State Kinfolks Are We!"
Arkansas Plans #25
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Our Beast of Bentonville can whip King Kong and Godzilla's ass!"
Arkansas Plans #24
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: Governor orders all pink flamingos in the yard to be repainted.
Dems dragging heels on legalising drugs
Democratic Party = Tardy Coca Permit
Dems' desert plant prey
Democratic Party = My Cacti Predator
Dems' daft frozen verse
Democratic Party = Arctic Mad Poetry
Dems check out northern tundra hair balsam
Democratic Party = Try Arctic Pomade
Dems back teetotal Saudi loyalist
Democratic Party = Dry Mecca Patriot
Dems ok military marijuana plan
Democratic Party = Accredit Army Pot
Dems' underground heartcare plan
Democratic Party = Aorta Medic Crypt
Dems commited to statistics secrecy
Democratic Party = More Cryptic Data
Dems guard winter theatricals
Democratic Party = Protect Icy Drama
Dems' frozen bullring vault
Democratic Party = Matador Ice Crypt
Dems' funnyman plug-in advice
Democratic Party = Try Comic Adapter
Arkansas Plans #23
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism: "Imagine Mississippi Without All That Pazazz!"
Dems' fetid dumpster blamed
Democratic Party = A Dirty Compacter
Arkansas Plans #22
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism. "Visit the third world without leaving the USA"
Dems' secrets revealed!
Democratic Party = Cramped Atrocity
Arkansas Plans #21
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism. Changes state emblem from buzzard to vulture.
Arizona Police Bust Septic Truck Holding $400k of MJ!
Ad Sign on truck said, "Your Shit is my Bread and Butter!" Cops say after sampling product Driver is now in the middle of a shit sandwich, no matter whose septic tank he claims he pumped.
Interactive Monkey Zoo in Pattyla Big Hit with Russians!
Stoned Russians at Zoo having time of their lives in Shit Slinging Wars with Chimps. "This is more fun than paint ball games with those Chetniks." said one. Curators say Chimps still bored but happy.
"Ted The Head" Hired
Ted Williams head to manage the Washington Nations Baseball Team this season. Will manage from special cooler-type booth.
Six Killed in Pedi Cab Road Rage Incident in Pattyla!
An elephant, cut off, bumped, and flipped off while trying to navigate a Pattyla round about, crushed 3 pedi cabs, their occupants, and a side walk vendor in a fit of road rage. A Caution was issued.
Deflation Follows Speech
President Obama's reassurance that inflation will not happen while he is president encourages everyone but those with erectile dysfunction & wives.
It's Been Confirmed
Actuaries, after consulting with astronomers, say that there really are more grains of sand in the sea than stars in the sky, but new discoveries could change that.
Thais Flock to New Screen Sensation: "Elephants Gone Wild!"
'taint nothin' mate," said UK visitor, "seen worse on the M5 at rush hour. We don't usually splash all those guts and gore on the front page, I will say that, though! Bloody Rags!"
They Be Drones Aboarrrrd
US may place military drones on any ships near the area of the Somali pirates. "Ahoy, be ye friend or.." BOOM!
Troops Getting Good Training
Training for Special Forces being trained at Fort Huachuca, Arizona for desert-like conditions and near Las Vegas for other types of climate, including three-day passes.
Tripped Battery Security Alarms
Snowstorm which caused several blackouts in the Southeast after knocking out electricity blamed by dozens of burglars for getting caught.
Used Other Player's Jersey, Helmet
Richie Incognito lost his job with the Rams because of a pair of personal fouls. He also lost $50,000. "I still don' see how they knew it was me", stated Incognito.
Clouds To Shade Death Valley
Ralph Nader already dropping hints: I will seed clouds and remove drought areas if elected next president.
New Postage Stamps
New postage stamps issued with Idi Amin and Pol Pot, both remembered for their war against overpopulation.
Dart Player Wes Newtons winning dart falls to the ground
Dart player Wes Newtons winning dart falls out of the board to the ground to remind him of Newtons law of gravity.
Political Correctness at it's worst.
A man with ancestors from many different places insists on being called an European/Asian/African/South American/North American/Australian-American.
Huge Storm Predicted
Responding to foul weather alerts people cleared stores of bread. In an unrelated story, the local bakery recently bought the National Weather Service.
Wanted: Mascot
Must have big goofy head with oversize features. Fur a plus. Garish colours very good. Giant feet very good, dancing ability a plus. If you have a costume with the above features, that's good too.
New Warning Label 4
On a bag of cement "Not for use as a floatation device. Shoes made from this will sink."
Animal Rights Terrorist Trampled
Chester Twitfield was trampled to death by a hippopotamus he freed from a local zoo before it was put to death. Twitfield's last words were, "Is this ironic or what?"
Political Correctness goes awry
The American Military will no longer issue dog tags to members. American Service men and women will now be issued Canine-American tags.
Pet Vs Computer
Today a large very hungry tabby cat ate every single computer mouse in a local Radio Shed store.
New Warning Label 3
On a cell phone..."For EXTERNAL USE ONLY"
David Walliams on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is shagging your granny."
David Walliams on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is shagging your granny."
Prince Phillip on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is fox hunting, Tally Ho!"
The FBI on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so was the shooting of John Lennon."
Roman Knife Predats Swiss
The Roman Army Knife including skeleton key to chastity belts: Or how the ingenuity of the Swiss was beaten by 1,800 years.
Scientists Warn Of Global Cooling
Cold comfort: Pictures show seal pups, members of England's polar bear club. revelling in the Arctic conditions... in Lincolnshire, Britain.
Police Find Two Snoozing Away
Exit, bear left: Attempt to tranquilize marauding animal gets a little hairy as shooter hits his partner, then his own foot.
City Council Clueless
City council issues 'inclusive' taxi driver licence applications in BRAILLE. "We cannot show favors", states apparent idiot.
Saudi Clerics Issue Fatwa to Regulate Fatwas!
Concerned they can't keep up with Fatwas, Clerics say they are limiting number of Fanatics that can issue them. Push is also on to put all Fatwas under one simple umbrella: EVERYBODY MUST DIE!
Council Snoopers Get their Thrills
Council snoopers question five-year-olds on home life. "Does daddy make mum make whimpering moans at night?"
Blair Under Fire
You're a liar and murderer they screamed at him: Fury in public gallery as Blair says 'I have not a regret' but few shoes thrown.
Toyota Chief Apologizes
Toyota chief apologises to motorists as it is revealed 'sticky accelerator' problem could affect Citroën, Peugeot & walkers along highways.
Developer Outwits Planners
Property developer outwits planners by building £500,000 home disguised as a barn, another as a silo.
Judge Advises John Terry
High Court judge tells England captain John Terry you can't keep affair with team mate's girlfriend, especially after I've just told everyone.
Pork For Porking
Pork better for sex than Viagra? Tiger Woods to promote "the other white meat".
More Golf Cheats
McCarron accuses PGA star Mickelson, three others of 'cheating'. No mistress, just using a different club.
Elastic Bands can't fix Greece
Germany to Greece: "Your profligate ways are coming to an end."
Not Impressed
Nintendo chief unimpressed with Apple's iPad, even with the one he was spotted using later.
"Sticky Pedals" causing severe work-related stress
Superman books himself into voluntary rehab - "So many sticky pedals, so little time."
The Queen on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is keeping down the proletariat."
The Pope on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so was Hitler's invasion of Poland."
Blair on Iraq
"The war in Iraq was legal and so is using class C drugs."
David Cameron Op Shock
Tory leader David Cameron is to undergo removal of a life time irritable skin tag - his tongue!
NASA Pissed Over Budget
NASA to get more money, but must scratch moon plan, new piss-to-water machines.
Jobless Object
Obama: Cutting deficit as important as job growth. "Not to we who are jobless", say critics.
"A rude awakening"
Obama's declares he's "No ideologue" - yeah, and gravity works backwards
Comparing UK to Thailand
New resident says "Back home you couldn't shit where you ate, over here no one gives a shit where you shit of if you shit a'tal.Nice to be able to just shit without thinking, clears yer fooking mind!"
Remember Clintons & Chinese
Critics raise specter of foreign campaign spending on US elections as if their funding hasn't been funneled in for the past 50 years.
Obama Blind Spot
GOP: Obama has 'blind spot' on terror war. "Good jobs can't help dead people."
Obama undermines American Security
Cancels F22 knowing Russia has plans to export its copy of the F22 to America's enemies.
Books A Must
Books a must-have even in sluggish economy according to poll. Mostly books about survival.
"America Should Reach for the Stars"
Obama's version: I dont' want NASA going to the moon. In fact, I want them grounded.
UK Poet Trades in Lady Bugs for Lady Boys: Claims he's Glad He S witched!
Commenting on the difference in pests while sipping a Rum Toddy on Pattaya Beach, writer says, "Lady Boys don't bite and swarm all over ya ...back home you went to jail if ya told one to bugger off!"
Pretending to be doing something
Obama declares "$5,000 tax break per new hire" when he knew or should have known that it will be: "up to $5,000 tax break per new hire".
A Little Depressed
Southeastern US stares down icy, snowy, wind-chilling, good time for a suicide weekend.
Next Year: Hawaii
Snow causes cancellation of The National Nudist Convention in Bar Harbor, Maine!
Ford Motor Cars - 'doing it for themselves'
sales booming, profits soaring and a partridge in a pear tree
UN Climat Chief Knew "Too Much" but did "Too Little"
that the Himalayan glacier melting report was widely inaccurate, but failed to correct the report ahead of Copenhagen
Tourists' Most Memorable Visions of Pattaya
Bunch of Dead Poets just hangin' around waiting to be discovered
Tsars virus?
Russian President Vladimir Putin was criticised today for appointed a new drugs tsar. "It's in bad taste, we got rid of the tsars a century ago and now they're bringing them back," said a peasant.
Pentagon Starts Cock
Pentagon starts cock on lifting gay ban. I'm sorry, that should be "Pentagon starts clock on lifting gay ban."
Poll: Would You Take a Sex Vacation in Arkansas?
Readers Reply:" Not in a Pigs Ass....Unless I couldn't get my visa for Pattyla!"
Miss American Contest
53 beauty queens from 53 different states vie for Miss America crown.
US Military Backs Off
The U.S. military says it has halted flights carrying Haitian earthquake victims to the United States in a dispute over French saying we're 'taking over' Haiti.
It's The Regulators Inquisition!
Regulators shut down banks in 5 states "Just because we can!"
Japanese Less Worried About Recall
Japan not as worried about US Toyota recalls, as long as they don't have to recall their cars locally in Japan.
Bin Laden Not Happy
Bin Laden blasts US for climate change, Swine Flu, Haiti earthquake, common cold and "causing me to live on stuff that gives me the shits."
You'll Need Binoculars To Really Appreciate
Biggest and Brightest Full Moon of 2010 Tonight, as Kirstie Alley positions herself atop the Empire State Building!
Afghan Taliban Punked
Afghan Taliban deny meeting with United Nation's representatives. Apparently it was Tareq and Michaele Salahi once again.
Hang 'Em High!
Skyrocketing costs may have doomed NYC terrorist trial plan as one million hanging mob outside door could have been a problem.
No To Exchanges!
China suspends military exchanges with US. US citizens say that that is alright with them.
3D porno films are on their way, Caligula is the first, dirty old Romans!
A 3D porno version of Caligula is about to ejaculate all over the planet, cinemas are busy designing Roman temples inside for the 3D orgies, price includes condoms and a quickie in the break!
Snoop Dogg wants to appear in Coronation Street
When Irishman John Murphy heard that Snoop Dogg wants to appear in Coronation Street he asked how is he going to cope
without Charlie Brown.
Woods they are all in rehab
Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood has checked into rehab because of booze,Tiger Woods in rehab because of birdies and birdie Woody Woodpecker is in rehab because he can't stop pecking.
Would you believe it.
John Edwards Sex Tape Not Drawing Well on UTube!
According to internet ratings John's romp with pregnant mistress, entitled
"Hump a Frump" just isn't making it finishing even behind Letterman tape
"What I'd Do to My Interns if I had 10 inches!"
Obama Vows to Back College Football Playoff Scheme!
President says it will give him something to watch on Saturdays between December and June, which only features basketball now. Players demand salaries and benefits must rise to match new shedule!
Clinton Library in Arkansas Taken off National Register!
Said one disgusted tourist returning to her Bus Tour, " Who would want to spend their time and money visiting this' Pig Stye'..it's all just about HIM!"
Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton Protest New Arkansas Ad Campaign!
Seeking financial compensation, the pair of racial extortionists took exception to new ad campaign touting Pork as "The Other White Meat." Danny Glover agrees to be spokesman praising Dark Meat!
Arkansas Pig Farmers Rally for More Government 'Porkulus' Programs!
"We've been advocating this alternative to sex for years," said Bubba Mayberry,
"we stand fully behind it...if you hold their ears they don't even move much, and even appear to enjoy it!"
Arkansas Residents Deemed Nation's Most 'Optically Challenged!'
Nutritionists and Optometrists lay blame on Natives' Propensity for, and addiction to, PULLED PORK. "If they keep this up," said one expert, "eventually they'll even lose sight of themselves!"
Careers on the Rise and Fall
Falling: Postal Carrier, Bank Teller, Teacher, Human Resources Manager.
Rising: Government Executive, Torture Specialist, Presidential Grief Counselor, Burger Flipper, Spoof Writer.
Pentagon Starts Clock on Gay Women
New Rules to prohibit slow lifting of skirts for other women. Only quickies to be allowed.
Toyota Says New Gas Pedals Being Shipped From Afghanistan
Once installed, just step on the gas and KABOOM! you are now a land mine victim
Barbara Streisand: Corporations Taking Over U.S.
Really Barb, I hadn't noticed.
Texas Leads in High Growth Rate Cities for Spoofers
San Antonio, Texas leading with biggest Tall Tale Tellers next to Bush City
New Report: Ultrasound Not Foolproof
No matter the findings, it could still be an alien.
George Stephanopolous Learns He is Related to Hillary Clinton
through an ancient humanoid, Brainalessanus Assahollis
Government: Don't Send Breast Milk to Haiti
U.S. Troops Busy Inspecting all Functional Breasts, say Plenty to Go Around.
Honda Recalls 646,000 Cars
Says Fit for Fire Sales Only.
Arnold Shwartzenegger Implimints New Cost Cutting Plan in Education Sector
Starting in Fall, 2010, all entering High School Students who can pass a statewide test for 6th grade literacy will be given a H.S. Diploma, thus saving the State a ton of money.
Top Private Bankers Hold Meeting on How to Fight Government Reforms
The meeting is being held at the regular place, Jekyll Island.
Government GDP Report Overstates Economy Health
Nooooo, that just can't be true.
O'Bomba Team Unveils New "Double Stimulus Program"
All Busted Broke Citizens will be provided with two dozen "Double Coupon" coupons to aid their grocery shopping finances. Coupons distributed upon receipt of 1040 Filings.
U.S. Economy Grows at Fastest Pace in any Six Second Period Known
According to White House Propagandists, the U.S. Economy grew like no tomorrow during a six second period when $25 B was turned over to Government Motors to purchase their entire production for 2010.
Arkansas Snapshots #01
The Arkansas Board of Education is instructing teachers to tell their students that grandparents will no longer be allowed to be brought in for 'Show & Tell.'
Arkansas Snapshots #02
The Arkansas Department of Food and Nutrition has stated that cornbread will no longer be allowed to be used as a main course.
Arkansas Snapshots #03
Arkansas has passed an ordinance making it illegal for a male resident to take his own cousin to the high school senior prom no matter how many of her children he may have fathered.
Arkansas Snapshots #04
The state of Arkansas has announced that the age old practice of trying to force dogs to mate with cats will no longer be tolerated, no matter how happy it may appear to make the dogs.
Arkansas Snapshots #05
The Arkansas school system will ask the teenage girls that they please refer to their breasts as breasts and not as 'Dem thangs dat my boyfriend likes to be suckin' on.'
Arkansas Snapshots #06
The Arkansas Board of Health states that teenage boys will no longer be allowed to put a girl's kazoo in their mouth's without her permission.
Arkansas Snapshots #07
Arkansas restaurants will no longer be allowed to serve vegetable soup that contains possum eyes, squirrel nuts, or beaver lips.
Arkansas Snapshots #08
All Arkansas police officers will be asked to please start wearing their boxer shorts underneath their uniforms instead of over them.
Arkansas Snapshots #09
The governor of Arkansas has issued a proclamation stating that beer will no longer be allowed as a lunch box beverage for students in grades 1 through 6.
Arkansas Snapshots #10
Arkansas in order to present a more favorable impression to the rest of the states asks all of its residents to please remember that the state beverage is milk and not moonshine.
Arkansas Snapshots #11
The Arkansas Legislature has just passed a bill that shotguns will no longer be allowed in church.
Arkansas Snapshots #12
Arkansas will no longer allow the practice of Kentucky Fried Chicken drive-thru's selling chicken feed.
Arkansas Snapshots #13
The Arkansas Legislature has just announced a new law that makes the old habit of making sling shots out of grandma's old bras illegal.
Arkansas Snapshots #14
Arkansas is spending thousands of dollars on billboards reminding women with 10 or more kids that birth control pills work much better when taken orally than when inserted into their joyboxes.
Arkansas Snapshots #15
Arkansas has just issued a mandate instructing that all of the state's firemen please ride in the fire truck instead of on their horse.
Arkansas Snapshots #16
The Arkansas Health Organization has stated that effective immediately all state sponsored blood drives will be used to collect blood and blood only; not ear wax, belly button lint, or sperm.
Arkansas Snapshots #17
Effective immediately all Arkansas teachers are asked to teach the students that the state insect is the honeybee and not the damn cockroach.
Arkansas Snapshots #18
Arkansas has started a billboard program which states that the state song is "Arkansas You Run Deep In Me" and not "The Hokey Pokey."
Arkansas Snapshots #19
The Arkansas Chamber of Commerce will conduct an ad promotion stating that Arkansas is the Trout Capital of The USA and not the Trouser Trout Capital of The USA.
Arkansas Snapshots #20
Arkansas wants to remind each one of its citizens that the state mineral is Quartz Crystal and not petrified razorback shit.
Wanted: Speech writer for George W. Bush
Must be eloquent. Must not make Bush look bad. Must write suave and witty jokes. Must spell any word with more than three letters fo-net-ick-lee. Ability to absorb critic's abuse a plus.
Clinton Threatens China's Energy Supply If They Don't Follow U.S. Orders
Orders to Put the Thump On Iran for Presumably Doing what Israel Already did With U.S. Assistance.
China quaking in their boots.
Buyer's Remorse
Most people who bought toy otas are now wishing they had bought real otas instead.
Another Fist Fight On Floor
Japanese emperor threatens to sent entire parliament to fight in Afghanistan if they don't quit fighting fighting themselves.
Tax Czar Cheated
Obama's choice of new tax czar admits to cheating on his taxes. "See. He'll know all the dodges", says Prez.
"Supplying The Army With The Tools Of The Trade"
Consumer spending up. Mostly the military. Drones flying off the shelf as soon as they are built.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Locals advised not to say "get the hell outta here, you damned yankee" until after maximizing tourists spending.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State wanted to bring in a Sea World: Little Rock, but plans were scrapped when Bass Pro Shops wanted to open a location next door.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Sex education in junior high school will no longer include instruction on various positions or the Kama Sutra.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Old tires and toilets will no longer be permitted in yards as planters.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Old wire "Spools" will no longer be considered acceptable as lawn furniture.
Atomic Energy Commission Designates Arkansas as New Toxic Waste Dump!
Said an AEC spokeman, "Hey, they already have Bill & Hillary..how much worse could it get!" According to a hand vote in senate taken by Joe Biden, 56 of the 57 states agreed with the assesment.
Gay Marriage OK in Arkansas Renews Calls for New State Anthem!
Local AM stations have been overwhelmed with requests for "Dueling Banjos' to commemorate couples wedding night! Stars from 'Deliverance' say experience still too painful to talk about.
Arkansas Senator Confronts ACORN Worker Who Says "He Can't Tell Ass From Hole In Ground!
After studing the Obama Supporter, whose pants were down to his ankles, the Senator Drawled, "Well boy, at least I know enough to cover mine up! *
Arkansas Genealogy Czar Quits in Frustration!
After 22 years on job traces everyone back to just one tap root named Bubba!
Arkansas Department of Education Adopts Hillary's Children's Book for Sex Education!
The book, "The Pig in the Blanket and Me" is said to be on it's 4th printing.
NYT Says: "the prose is direct, to the point and has great instructural value. It's the Pictures that are disgusting!"
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Waitresses in fine dining establishements advised "always serve water and drinks in clean glasses. Clean contact lenses are good also."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "If using flea and tick shampoo on the dog doesn't work, try using them on yourself (and washing your sheets)."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "When spitting at the funeral home, make sure it's a spitoon and not someone's ashes."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
New adult education course: Brooms, mops, and glass spray; why these can be used by more than the Janitor in the schools.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Health classes in schools will now teach more than chigger removal and why not to eat from the dog's dish.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "Don't wear black bras with white, lacey tops, even if you do hope to get lucky."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State Universities to add Chicken Plucking as a degree program to increase population with higher education.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Socks with flip flops are now a fashion no-no.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
State announces they'll match Washington's first time home buyer tax rebate for everyone purchasing a new double-wide.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Newspapers announce that they'll hire reporters to cover the news so that the papers will have more than the comics and garage sale ads.
Ronald McDonald Fired
Ronald McDonald was fired today from the McDonald's corporation after he publicly stated he is a vegan and meat is murder.
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all state residents announces: "If you want to masturbate to pictures in a porn magazine, buy it and take it out of the store first."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
Pamphlet mailed to all residents advises: "A stick of deodorant is not a lifetime supply."
Arkansas Announces Plans To Clean Up State For Tourism
By state law, peeing for distance contests are no longer allowed on freeway overpasses.
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