Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 20 January 2010
Democrats Rejoice in New Strategy!
All will switch party to GOP, "unifying" America under one royal shithouse.
Rush Limbaugh to be King. Nancy Pelosi, Queen
Barack O'Bomba, Court Jester
Pelosi Considers Party Change to GOP: Says O'Bomba Doomed
As the Rats Bail Ship, none faster than the pelosus varmiticus
Scott Brown Get Carried Away in Victory Speech
The GOP Rookie, was in rarefied air when he acknowledged a desire to be President and suggested he'd be ready to run in 2010.
Senate GOP and Insurance Industry Offer New Compromise
New Health Care Insurance policies will be available to all residents. Premiums will be capped at $ 1K per month, and will pay 20% of care costs unless claims are filed.
Then you can hire a lawyer.
The O'Bomba Rout is On!
Reports of a Mussolini style wagon train forming up outside the White House are coming in; Loyalists are loading up as much gold as can be carted off while Michele O'Bomba loads Government Cheese.
Dies On Operating Table
Man whose heart was accidentally cut out during operation was apparently highly allergic to scalpel and sneezed himself to death.
Weight Watches Collapse Floor
In Sweden, a group attending a Weight Watchers meeting were lined up for a weigh-in when the floor collapsed. The company defended itself by saying that it was "First Night Shakes".
Men Evolving Faster
According to a new study by researchers at MIT, men are evolving faster than women. They estimate men will reach their level by 2075.
O'Bomba Concedes on Healthcare
Insurance Companies to Continue Ruling the Roost.
NASA says that a mystery object passed by Earth earlier this week. They're not sure what it was, but it missed the Earth by 80,000 miles so they think it was a North Korean rocket.
A Few Here, A Few There
Barack Obama continues to reduce number of U.S. troops in Iraq and sending them to Afghanistan, Yemen, Haiti, France.
Not A Good Sign
Those really needing jobs badly urged to learn Hindi, Chinese language.
Didn't See That Before
Not only did President lose a democrat supporter in Minnesota last night, but today the AARP withdrew support of health plan after putting on glasses & reading small print on page 1197.
Big Blue Gone
Big Blue Chess Computer hooked on vodka smell after losing to Russian, goes into Betty Ford Clinic!
Get Out, Punk
Judge in Cleveland, Ohio murder case has person whose cell phone suddenly blast out "Hang 'Em High" escorted from court.
Obama Lectures Minnesota
President Obama makes surprise visit to Minnesota. "I am deeply disappointed with you. No Work Programs For You!"
Michele O'Bomba Waxwork Revealed in London
The exact replica was seen being wheeled into place protected by a nicely fitting whiskey barrel
Anybody But French, Maybe
Pat Robertson said the earthquake in Haiti happened because they were cursed promising to follow the devil if French forced to leave. Now who's going to believe that you need help with the French?
Winehouse Pleads Guilty to Assault Charges
Tells Judge "its in my nature to act like a fool"
Judge then the sentences the Shameless Amy to thirty days of community service modeling at the Frankenstein Museum.
Deja Vue All Over Again
China has had its biggest snow fall in over 50 years. There's a picture of a lone dissident in the newpapers this morning, showing him standing in front of a line of snow plows.
Hugh Hefner says that he has not had the life so many people thinks he's had. "My last one hundred blow jobs were on my hot soup."
Old Man Smell Presistant
Hugh Hefner broke up with his twin girlfriends. They say they will be spending the next month in a sweat lodge.
Only $30 Million
Conan O'Brien is getting $30 million to leave NBC. "That's chickenfeed!" stated George Bush as Laura placed hand over hid mouth.
Taco Bell Found Dies
Monday, the founder of Taco Bell passed away at the age of 86. The family say that services will be held once the corpse quits farting.
Well, Burn My Ass!
Man from Green Party loses his bag of goodies in "Incinolet" mishap. Inconolet is a toilet that incinerates human waste instead of flushing it.
"Please Stand By"
Some customers getting edgy as many banks closed for the third day for Martin Luther King's birthday.
"Caleeforee Eebbee Tobotten Nor Ilse!"
California may be next to legalize marijuana for health. Now, not even Maria Shriver will not be able to understand Guv. Schwarzenegger!
Bad Economy Hits Sports
Professional sports feels the effect of bad economy. Officials, umpires say bribes down nearly 50%.
Brown Takes Kennedy's Seat
Scott Brown, republican who will take Ted Kennedy's seat says the seat smells like bourbon farts.
Leno: Not By The Hair On My Chinny Chin Chin!"
The long hook of vaudeville days comes out and grabs O'Brien during opening monologue.
More Underwear Smugglers Caught
Over 1,000 people found smuggling stuff in underwear at airports, trying to avoid extra price of luggage. "Are those Nike Runners in there are are you glad to see us?"
Leno Lake Forming
Terrible Las Angeles thunderstorms, flooding blamed on dark clouds over NBC building.
Watch It Walking On The Sidewalk
Auto Makers agree to alter SUV design for safety on rollovers as new axles will extend wheels out one foot on each side.
Rap Label Softens Image
Rap Record Label "Rape Them All" agrees to cjhange it's name to "Rape and Sing To Them All" which more clearly defines their product.
Flu Vaccine Low
Makers of swine flu vaccine running low again. "We do still have a wide selection for vaccines for the clap!"
What's Eating Him?
Man Accused of Cannibalism in Germany a few years ago has third cellmate to go missing. "Has to be a tunnel somewhere."
Hard Times Ahead
Survey: More people hiding cash, gold, jewelry under mattresses than any time during passed 70 years. Copy of those who responded, $5,000 each.
Nader May Run Again
Ralph Nader Considering Running Again In 2012! "Look what happened when you failed to elect me the last four time! Ask yourself, could it get any worse?"
Sex-Mad tourists invade South Korea to "make babies"!
The South Koreans have ordered their people to "make babies" Global sex-mad tourists are dashing for Seoul hoping they can be of assistance!
Five Key O'Bomba Decisions
1. When to Resign
2. How to Tell the Wife the Party is Over
3. What new career to pursue
4. How to find jobs for my buddies as they are now out as well
5. Do I at least still get a Book Deal?
Oh Yes She Did Oh no she Did'nt
Amy Winehouse has been charged with assault at a pantomine
Some people say Oh Yes she did others say Oh no she did'nt
Coakley Returns to Kennedy Shrine to Pay Tribute!
Martha dropped off a bouquet and a full pint of gin at the Capaquidickk bridge to commemorate her historic senate election loss, and put an end to the 47 year rule by Ted...FINALLY!
Curt Shilling Talks About Obama!
"He's 0 fer 6 in his last at bats when it counted....I don't think he's ready for the big leagues yet...maybe the Hall of Shame & Copenhagen...but not Fenway Park!
Mass. Mayor Cadillac Deval Patrick, Selling his Car on EBay!
Responding to Senate vote where truck driving Scott Brown thumped Dems, he opts for a Lincoln Pick Up ...referring to his odd choice, Patrick said,
"whats wrong ...he freed the slaves didn't he?"
Barney Frank Now Sees the Light!
After having his head up his ass for years looking for Camelot, Barney exclaims, "I never really like the Kennedys..I must have had tunnel vision!"
New Poll In Chicago Shocks Administration!
9 out of 10 voters now think Blago was not so bad, after all.
Lieberman Into Pork
Joe Lieberman has sponsored more pork projects than any other independent according to latest survey.
Website To Be Investigated
The Federal government have decided to do full investigation of Insidestocktips.com.
We're Number One!
The United States Military has once again been voted number one in the polls. The voters stated that they had to consider their difficult schedule.
Man Utd torn apart by massive debts and "Terror Teves"!
Teves came back to haunt Sir Alex last night + the news that Man Utd have increased their debt, a pissed Sir Alex was last seen throwing whisky bottles at a poster of Jose Mourinho!
Explanation Given For Democrat Loss in Mass. Special Election
ACORN workers could spell and pronounce "Brown," but not "Coakley"
Republicans Win Special Senate Election For Ted Kennedy's Seat
Illinois volunteered to bring in their cemetary vote, but election officials frowned on out of state manipulation.
Democrats Lose Special Election for Kennedy Senate Seat
The beer keg and open bar will have to be kept in someone else's office from now on.
Republican Wins Special Senate Election in Massachussets
The surviving "Kennedy Political Machine" must not have sent their usual death threats.
Special Election Held For Ted Kennedy Senate Seat
The winner is required to be perpetually drunk and not allowed to operate a motor vehicle near bridges.
Male Frogs Having Sex Problems
Traffic noise, demands of female frogs for ribbed it condoms, could be ruining sex lives of male frogs.
SKorea Needs Babies
South Korean government workers are being given an unusual instruction - go home and multiply, as free Viagra, videos passed out.
Electric Cigs Not Safe?
There is a worrying lack of safety data on electronic cigarettes, despite their growing popularity with the public, two leading Greek researchers have warned. "System could shut down during outage."
Air France Ups Prices
Obese passengers to be charged double to fly with Air France, triple if they have to feed them.
Fish Oil A Farce?
Is fish oil the elixir of life, adding to longevity of life?
Just ask a goldfish!
Tastes Like Chicken Piss
'Chicken licking' supermarket shelf stacker jailed after being filmed sabotaging food and urinating in a bin at YOUR grocery!
Kraft Gobbles Cadbury
Cadbury boss set to collect £12m pay-off, as unions fear Kraft takeover jobs bloodbath. "Just wait till the Big Cheese himself comes over", says union worker.
Scots Health Down
Scotland's health not as good as England's despite Scots having twice as many nurses per head. Health minister blames eating haggis twice a day.
Kids Suffer Withdrawal
Council to impose 'No Fry Zone' around primary schools in drive against obesity. Students say they should institute a No-Fly zone in kitchens, cafeteria.
Could Be Worse
Schools shut and roads closed as Britain is hit by new bout of wintry weather. "Just thankful this did not hit us in the summer as we would have been totally unprepared", says official.
Brown Checkmates Obama
Former male centrefold delivers devastating blow on Obama's first anniversary. Could receive 90% of women vote if runs for President in 2012.
Millionaire who attacked masked burglar to save his family walks free after judge overturns his jail sentence, pats back pocket.
LeBron's Big Day
LeBron just misses triple-double as Cavs down Raps. Then wins daily double at Churchill Downs.
Judge Clears Winehouse
Winehouse gets conditional discharge for assault after judge sees discharge first hand.
Tougher Warning Needed
FDA debates tougher cancer warning on tanning beds. Asks for headstone be placed at top.
Not A Thing!
NASA listens for silent Mars lander, one hand clapping, messages from mimes from other planets.
Rare Humper Birds Discovered
Rare bird's breeding ground found in Afghanistan. "You should see the little guys going at it", says Ornithologist.
Anyone Keeping Score?
Bank of America loses $5.2B in 4Q as it repays bailout. May have to have it back soon.
American Terrorists To Help?
Gates says terrorist groups help each other. Asks American terrorist group to infiltrate and act as spies.
Vet School Updates
Texas Veterinarian school joins few with own blacksmith, horse, cow, sheep whisperer.
Once They Miss The Ocean
South Korean defense chief: Hit North 1st if threatened, like if one of their missiles doesn't fall into ocean as all 200 have thus far.
Gore Mad Again
U.N. warning that Himalayan glaciers were melting faster than any other place in the world & may be gone by 2035 not backed up by science, climate experts said Wednesday, apologize for scare tactic.
Brown Win a gut-check for Obama and Democrats on health care. Annual gut-checks dropped from care bill.
Charlie Daniels Recovering
Country star Charlie Daniels recovering after stroke after winning fiddle contest against Devil in Georgia.
Conan O'Brien's guest list hints at exit. Coming up next week as guests, members of the audience.
3 weeks after gay marriage law, NH takes up repeal. Divorce attorneys object.
Royal Caribbean's decision to dock ships at Haitian resort creates controversy. Apparently wanted passengers to sight see how the other half lived.
Analysis: GOP sees Massachusetts win as stop sign, perhaps tombstone marker for Democrats.
AP-GfK Poll: Obama's 1st year gets mixed verdict. Wins Nobel Peace Prize, makes several good speeches, gets nothing done.
Brown All Over
Brown wins in Massachusetts. Brown appears on the seat of Obama. Biden, Reid and Pelosi pants.
Bunny Shelter Declares Bankruptcy; Then Saved by Spoof Family
"For the love of Bunnies" an old English bedtime favorite played on as the Skoob family waffled up the $ to keep the shelter alive and see tons of more bunnies filter into back and front yards.
Dr. Skoob Takes New Role in "Spaceballs 1999"
Dr. Skoob, a natural for the "Hee Haw" style country bumpkin Doctor suddenly beamed into a Moon Hole colony 100 years into the future, where he has only two rabbits to survive off of. What to do?
Michele O'Bomba Caught Flashing Hubby in White House
Unfortunately the wide angle lenses on the cameras were not wide enough to capture the king size derriere of the 1st Lady, prompting a change over to "Wide Format" movie cameras for future episodes.
Tiger Woods Fails Sex Rehab; Opts for Castration
Slice and Dice Queen Lorena Bobbit to do the honors, says "I already have a bat, now I'll have some balls to knock around".
Fish Oil Slows Aging
But people who take it develop gills and can breathe only in water.
Michigan Woman Accused of Taking a Bite out of Her Sister's Nose
Her defense? "I always felt she was kind of nosy."
What's in a Name?
Marc Webb has been named the director of the next Spider-Man movie.
Size H Breasts Desired by Heidi Montag
"I'm not fussy, either H or Z should do it," she giggled.
Hillary Clinton Accuses Haitian Men of Staring at Her Boobs
"Their staring eyes made me feel like I was going through TSA Airport security, it was definitely intrusive and it made me nervous; rest assured that won't be something that happens to me again."
Kuznetsova and Stosur Advance; Set up Epic Battle of the Lesbos
Hillary Clinton, a major fan of both players, again denied she is a lesbian.
As Layoffs Continue, SSI Disability Claims Triple
Claiming amongst other things, that they were "kicked out the door" by "O'Bomba policies" and suffered permanent injuries.
U.S. Sends More Troops Trained to Kill Over to Haiti Where Many are Already Dead
General Clinton was Unable to Define the logic behind the latest move, as Doctors and clinicians wonder when they will be called to duty, if ever.
Roy Simmons Reactivated to Give Farve Extra Pump
The openly gay NFL'r says he still has a hard one and can "get up for whatever the old man might have in mind".
Dems Agree to Blockbuster Trade
For Voters First Round, #1 Draft Pick B. O'Bomba, Dems get one free re-run token for Bill Clinton and two dead republicans.
wow. talk about losing value quickly
Polanski Lawyers: Time Served is Fair Sentence
Of course the "lawyers for Polanski" are referring to "time served" at his "Swiss Chalet".
Sentence in Absurdia?
Japan Airlines Files for Bankruptcy
Leaving passengers in desperate circumstances as laid off pilots say "no pay, no fly" and promptly parachute out of airliners at 30,000 feet.
O'Bomba Benched by GM Hillary, Rahm Emanuel to Start
Already suffering from "broken promise" fatigue, rookie O'Bomba has been benched by General Manager Hillary Clinton according to sources with the team. 4th string back up Rahm Emanuel will now start.
O'Bomba Bets Ranch on Election; Now wants Conan O'Brien Style Deal
Something on the order of $ 40,000,000 to "go away"
O'Bomba: Senate Health Bill "Better than Nothing"??
I can't wait to see what my new options are!!!!!
O'Bomba Says Dem Election Loss Not a Problem
As Dems still have a majority except for defectors and traitors. Joseph Lieberman to take new vote count.
US airlines to handcuff passengers
"It's the only way to be sure no one will get up to use the rest rooms during the last hour of flight," a TSA spokesman said...
San Diego Zoo, tired of parent's compliant about masterbating orangutan, has him fixed. Now he's throwing shit at everybody.
Don't Know Where To Start
Mime's invisible cube fails to stop runaway car that jumps unto street in Detroit. Jaws of life still trying to free him.
Honked His Last
"Charlie", another long time clown for Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Baily Circus dies at the age of 90 at rest home in Tuscon. Will be buried on Big Shoe Hill.
Cold Case File!
According to new DNA evidence, it was Mrs. O'Leary carrying on with working hand that started the great Chicago fire and her cow was innocent. Maybe now the Cubs will be in the World Series.
First meteor that could strike earth, Mayan calender ending in 2012 and now for the first time, no one has secretly placed flowers on Edgar Allen Poe's grave on his birthday. It's the end, alright.
Leona Helmsley's dog agrees to foot part of the bill for a national health plan.
O'Bomba Gets B-Ball Offer From High School Girls League
Hillary Clinton and Bob Gates suggest he take the job as whistle blower for the high schoolers.
Who is the V.P. again?
Restating the Obvious, Jesse Jackson Enters the Haitian Picture
Says "Its going to take a lot of assistance to rebuild Haiti."
and "We know these people, they are our friends."
Thanks Jesse, we are now informed.
Iris Robinson rushed to hospital.
New boyfriend Jack, 8lb 6oz, was born at 3.15am this morning.
Traffic Slows, Spoofers Wonder: Is there a Jam?
Or is it something as simple as a Bugling of a "changing of the guard".
Tiger Woods Undergoing Treatment at Sex Addition Clinic In Missisippi
Actually a converted brothel, the treatment has Tiger engaging in sex with brunette hookers 24/7 until he gets "sick of sex" and can be returned to society as a "non-biased part time sexter."
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