Spoof news snippets from Sunday 17 January 2010
Just Missed The Holidays
Japanese say they are ready to assemble thousands of their new sex dolls that talk, the perfect gift for the man who has no life.
This Guy Is Good
Bernie Madoff says that he has finally raised enough to purchase prison.
Dollar Sinks Again
United States dollar declines once again against Cherokee wampum.
Under President's Orders
GM or Government Motors says it is not taking unfair advantage by cutting 20,000 jobs at Ford.
"Have You Heard The One About Obama & Larry Craig?
Conan O'Brien signs three-year four million dollar deal with Al Jazeera! Has huge collection of Obama jokes.
Sex Addiction not that bad
If you are addicted to sex, learn to live with it unless your wife finds out about it.
Kirstie's New Role
Kirstie Alley has new acting role as soon as she loses a few pounds and can get into Mr Kool Aid outfit.
Placebos Do Fine
Study: Placebos work as well as medication in treating Erectile Dysfunction, as long as pill containers have naked broads on them.
Marriage Is Thinking Of The Other Person
Study: more men purchasing women's breast enhancer for wives on internet than women buying Viagra and extenders for men.
Time Traveler
Time travel will be available in only 5 years announces scientist from 2015.
They're Lying
All 'mind readers' working at airport security banned from Washington DC.
"Skin Magazine"
Larry Flynt of Hustler Magazine officially changes his middle name to "Skin".
Will Manage Himself
Yo Yo Ma claims that every manager he's ever had was a yoyo.
Basement at 10 Downing Street found teeming with alien technology
"It's Brown's pact with the aliens from space - he'll do anything to stay in power," according to No. 10 mole.
"How to tell the sex of a building"
Send answers with a SAE envelop to: 10 Downing Street, London, WC1, England.
Dennis Hopper gets unhitched during parachute drop
'Can't make this stuff up', said blue velvet tablecloth
Fire In The Hole!
The US is placing hills of fire ants all along its southern border.
Actress playing Snow White busted
For sniffing snow like substance - "We thought it was just a prop she was sniffing," said stage hand.
John Thaw confused with Snow Thaw
Street survey found that 51% of respondents confused John Thaw with Jack Frost. 49% of respondents didn't know either man.
Tony Blair's former spin chief, Alastair Campbell
Iraq Enquiry confirms that Alastair Campbell is the fastest ass wipe in the West. "Who Knew?" AC: "I'm Bad."
Website to help Gordon Brown's supporters
Collapses for lack of logons.
My Parent's Drive Way
"Welsh First Minister Carwyn Jones promises new supplies of grit for the roads will be delivered first to areas which need them most."
US drone "is a double agent"
Predator drone reprogrammed in-flight to hit Payless shoe shops. "No one noticed it before as there are no Payless shoe shops in north-west Pakistan," said Joe Biden who preferred to remain anonymous.
Talk About A Daily Double.
Nevada man wins national lottery plus he had bet that he would win the lottery against huge odds at Las Vegas.
Insiders Feeling Trapped
Insiders in Washington are all saying the same thing: "Let Us Out Of Here!"
We Are A Peaceful People
Taking a cue from Time's 'Person Of The Year', many now voting for "Everyone" to receive Nobel Peace Prize certificate.
Walk This Way
Man who mailed talcum powder to congressmen causing a scare says they will need the talcum powder after this falls election.
England Must Rally!
Scots 'drink the equivalent of 537 pints of beer a year', plus a little scotch.
Out Of Control?
Labour's new drugs czar sniffed at fears of 'skunk' danger just two years ago.
Balls For Smacking
Schools Secretary Ed Balls has been accused of refusing to ban Islamic schools from smacking children for fear of upsetting Muslim 'sensitivities'. "But anyone else will be arrested."
Photo Shoot
Downing Street officials were ordered to round up 'obviously sick children' for a photo call on a hospital visit by Tony Blair during the 2001 General Election. "But nothing contagious."
Walker Survives Avalanche
Walker's miracle escape after being swept 600ft down Lake District mountain by avalanche, started by dropped banana peel of predecessor.
New Parking Rules
Energy giant orders staff to always reverse into parking spaces under 'draconian' health and safety rules. Hundreds complain of strained neck the first month.
One Noise Allowed
Quiet please! Noise irks Japan's commuters the most, except for farts. "Those we need to be warned about", says passenger.
Saints Defeat Cardinals
New Orleans Saints go marching in. "It just wasn't in the Cards this year", says Cardinals owner.
American Limits Bags
American limiting bags on flights to Dominican Republic. Mostly younger women on board.
Woods In Tourney?
Rider Cup among questions for Woods. I'm sorry, that should have been Ryder Cup.
Just A Slipup
Government fines United $300,000 for fare flub as they inadvertently added extra "0" to flight costs.
Old Song Revised
Data: US obesity rate high, but not rising as new country group, 'Rufus', revise old Johnny Cash song. "How fat are the people Mama? (400 pounds and rising!)
Kate Moss Version Of Full English Breakfast Revealed
Small black coffee. No sugar. Cigarette.
Earl Grey Issues Denial
"I was not the hacker responsible for the 'porn on billboards' debacle in downtown Moscow," he claims.
Scientists Flub Cell Experiment
Scientists turn stem cells into monster. It's being pursued in eastern Europe by crowds with torches.
Stop Payments After 100,000th Claim
Japanese no longer accepting "Godzilla bit him in half" as excuse for widow, widower's claim for pensions.
NKoreans Hit Ocean Again
All 20 new North Korean drones launched yesterday fall into ocean.
One Found At Ted's House
JFK breach is 2nd this month at NYC-area airport. This time former president's brain smuggled in in jar.
Chemical Ali Dissolving
Iraq's 'Chemical Ali' gets 4th death sentence, what's left of him. Only seven more to go.
Men Needed
Big Brothers Big Sisters needs more men to volunteer. Several priests step forward.
Bush, Clinton To Haiti
Bush, Clinton call for long-term help for Haiti, like the next 200 years.
Saudi Billionaire Could Help Others
Saudi billionaire eyes new links with News Corp. Apparently "Screw the poor Palestinians."
Haiti earthquake was not an earthquake, it was an Al Qaeda Suicide Sub attack!
Bin Laden has admittted causing the "earthquake" in Haiti, it was a "nuke Suicide Submarine" without a "Navi system"!!!
The Great One thought Haiti was Florida, he can't always be right!!
Batman Vs Chemical Ali
Iraq's 'Chemical Ali' gets 4th death sentence. No hanging as his neck would eat through the ropes. Acts Confused. Wants to be in next "Batman".
Tiger's Return
Federer: Woods will be back at his best soon. "Then look out ladies!"
"I Never Wanted To Be Famous."
Says cross dressing cage fighter Alex Reid from The Celebrity Big Brother House.
Five A Day
Tomato sauce flavoured crisps, apple and blackberry pie, and a pop tart don't count, Jamie Oliver tells dieticians.
Law And Order Break Down In Post Quake Haiti
"If things get any worse, it'll be as bad as Detroit," Red Cross spokesman says.
Haiti earthquake awakens monster
Prehistoric creature is named "God-zilla" in Hatian press reports. "It is headed straight for Port-au-Prince," said Haiti's top general...
World misled over glacier meltdown
A warning that most of the Himalayan glaciers will melt by 2035 turns out to be cods-wallop - well, WHAT A SURPRISE!
Scientists Say Gold Fish Are Orange Not Gold
Scientists have today renamed 'Gold Fish' to 'Orange Fish' as almost two decades of research finds the fish to be orange.
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