Spoof news snippets from Monday 11 January 2010
Where to Put Your Money Now
Take a map, any map, and locate Wall St.; then go in any other direction and that would be the place.
Government: Medicare Fraud "Out of Control"
As with all other areas of government.
Clinton Says Sanctions Should target Ruling Elite
McGwire: "I Broke Roger Marris' Record on a Royd Rage
..."and all my buddies were shootin' up 'royds as well."
"We were pumping so much steroid juice our bats would grow while we were at the plate batting".
Sacrificing For The Earth
Al Gore volunteers Tipper as a volcano sacrifice to appease global warming. Clinton claims Hillary would put it out.
Accountant who checked can of mixed nuts says they are 60% peanuts, not 40%. Consults attorney fried about lawsuit but told he is nuts.
Revealed: While in high school in Chicago, 16-year-old Barack Obama claimed Mrs. O'Leary's cow burned his homework.
Cruise Ship Stuck
Alaska Cruise Ship stuck on edge of broken off chunk of huge iceberg hope to make it back to the South by summer.
Palin Hauls In First Two Assignents with Fox News
The first will be entitled "True Tales from the Bible" Starting with How Man Populated the World Through Incest, followed by "Why Science Lies" guest starring Jim Baker and Robert Tilton.
Fox News Signs on Palin
Soon to be "Fox on the Rocks"
Western men see new friendship
Saudi Arabia announced that they will allow western men to marry 4 wives in Arabia which will remain there until the husband comes back on various trips to impregnate them with more children.
Sex in the year 9010
In the year 9010 scientist developed the first bio-engineered, sexually aggressive female robot that has the ability to produce human children, which are prodigies, for their human male husbands.
Nrothern Irelands Peter Robinson admits his missus is a nympho "Teenophile!"
Peter Robinson has admitted his wife is a nympho, loves teenies and he can't "KEEP IT UP." His job is keeping catholics and protestants apart, his missus has no problems keeping her LEGS APART!
Freezing "Pants Day" in NY causes the "big Apples and Bananas" to shrink slightly!
"Pants Day" in NY with freezing temperatures was a raging success for the ladies and girls, the boys had the shorter end of "the wedge" as temperatures dropped their "pride and joys" shrunk!
Petraeus - set your clock
"It would be almost literally irresponsible if Centcom were not to have been thinking about the various 'what ifs'" (In re bombing Iran).
Classifieds - Board
For sale, one House for Sale board, £15 ono. Please note, this is just the board, and not the house. Please stop asking about the house. That's not for sale.
Dallas Cowboys Win First Playoff Game Since 1996
Jerry Jones tears up Wade Phillips' termination papers and uses them for confetti.
New York Yankee To Get Married Next Thanksgiving
"If I can't be the new Mr. October, I can make my new wife Mrs. November."
NBC Says It Expects To Lose Money Broadcasting Olympics
NBA players say "we'll take that bet."
Jay Leno's Show Cancelled For Real
Jay's still waiting for the "gotcha."
Senator Harry Reid Gives Backhanded Apology For Racist Remarks
"Hey, I'm sorry, but at least I didn't call the Porch Monkey a Spear Chucker or a Jungle Bunny."
"You're Trying To Seduce Me, Mrs. Robinson"
Iris Robinson accused of having three more lovers (including the father of her 19-year-old toyboy) as husband fights for job. "Needs to spend more time fighting for me!"
Cameron Would Cut Immigration
Cameron: '70million is too many. I'll cut immigration by 75 per cent' Blame everything bad that happens on remaining 25%.'
Old Wise Tales
The 'false' pandemic: Drug firms cashed in on scare over swine flu, claims Euro health chief. "Plus there is no such thing as the Shitwagon Flu."
Hot Mamas Ignore Freeze
You're not going out undressed like that, are you? Scantily clad, high-heeled clubbers defy the Big Freeze, icy pavements.
Panic buyers empty the shelves as mini-thaw brings respite before new wave of snow chaos. US may deliver Tea Drops.
Not Being Serious
Townsend replaced in Marvel Comics tale 'Thor' after days of puns like "I'm Thor all over!"
Newspapers Still Ahead
Newspapers still a step ahead in the local news. That's discounting barber and beauty shops, of course.
Fed Probes Chinese Products
AP: Feds probe cadmium in kids' jewelry from China, traces of arsenic in old lace.
Too Much Salt
NYC asks food manufacturers to cut salt content. Suggest adding ground up rice to cut saltiness.
It's TV Again
Study: Youth now have more mental health issues, blamed on watching too many political ads on TV.
"Rub My Ear Tips For A Surprise!"
Sex robot focuses on appealing to the mind, as nerds take advantage of Vulcan technology.
In A Blink Of A Millenium
Astronomers: We could find Earth-like planets soon. Of course by 'soon' they are comparing 'light years'.
New Pyramid Puzzle
Egypt shows new find: tombs of pyramid builders. Wonder who built THEIR pyramid!
Heineken Double Crosses Dos Equis
Dutch brewer Heineken said Monday it will buy the beer-making operations of Mexico's Femsa in an all-share deal that values the maker of Dos Equis, Tecate & Sol beers at $5.5 billion, excluding debt.
Barking At Terrorist?
Secretary of State Clinton barks on Pacific trip; focus on terror. Sorry, that should have been "embarks".
Oil Companies Search For New Fuel Source
US grants $187M for fuel efficiency research to top three oil companies. "We're working on it but may be awhile", says spokesman.
Balloon Boy's Dad In Jail
Dad in balloon boy hoax begins jail time Monday. Plans to demonstrate his new idea for a jail reality show.
Pope Concerned, Cold
Pope denounces failure to forge new climate treaty after Popemobile wipes out on frozen curve.
Yemeni radical cleric, Toomani, warns of foreign occupation forces.
SNL Star Struck Down
New York. Tina Fey assassinated by Keith Olbermann look alike.
Groundbreaking gay marriage trial starts in California as several gays, lesbians show up with multi-handled shovel.
TV Or Not TV?
Experts: If children getting more violent over watching cartoons, that would explain marriage problems over 50 years of soap operas.
Or Could Be More Psychiatrists
Study: Youth now have more mental health issues than in 1950's say added one million workers in mental health field.
Especially Broco's New Headgear Looking Like Horsehead
Hats off: NFL apparel fight could have big impact as players are getting tired of silly themed apparel.
Some see racist theme in alien adventure 'Avatar', as aliens mention 'human race'.
Ahead Of Average
North Korea calls for peace talks, end to sanctions for first time in 2010. Called for same six times last year.
Converting Closed Auto Plants
Cities struggle to find new uses for auto plants, looking into converting them into roller rinks, bowling alleys, job training centers, museum for classic cars now too expensive to drive.
Chickens Come Home Again
Dems preparing to throw the race card back in the laps of Republicans as part of a counter attack designed to help save Harry Reid's political career. Refuse help offered from Jeremiah Wright.
FBI Stuck For Answer
What caused NJ airplane's landing gear to fail? FBI looking into possible terrorist who bought a gallon of crazy glue in Chicago.
Seinfeld back to TV with show about marriage...four of them, doing nothing.
Freedom Of Whatever, Guaranteed
Europe slapping rich with massive traffic fines based on how wealthy they are. Speeding, drunken politicians in US say that won't happen here.
Blagojevich Looking For More Headlines
Blagojevich: 'I'm blacker than Barack Obama'. 'more powerful than a locomotive.'
Or Maybe Not
Egypt tombs suggest pyramids not built by slaves. Most believe craftsmen were shown how by aliens from another planet.
AP IMPACT: Road projects don't help unemployment, especially on bridges and roads that go nowhere.
Mylene Klass to Publish a Book
Model and presenter, Mylene Klass is about to publish a new book on self defence; it will be called "THIS IS YOUR KNIFE". She claims that she wrote it over the weekend.
Arne Duncan, U.S. Education Secretary Cracks Fart; Acknolwedges Stupidity
Says K-12 Education should be based on "equity and justice" not "competency and performance".
British Police Reveal Stunning Drop in Burglary Reports
Householders too frightened to ring the cops - British cops seen by householders as "Russian Cops" - never to be called.
Paris Hilton Finds New Career in NFL - Nickname " Big Foot"
The ex-con socialite may have stumbled into yet another gift. Just named as "stale crumb of the year" by Dunkin Doughnuts, her size 11 feet made her the 2010 punter choice for the Detroit Lions.
Britney Switches From Dumb Blond to Dumbette Brunette
Seeks lead movie acting role for film on Jenna Jameson.
Michael Steele Calls on Harry Reid to Resign
Reid refuses, retorting "With the status you have as a black man, Michael, you really should knock off the jungle jive."
McCain Aide: Palin Thought '08 Campaign was God's Plan
It was - and thank God it was his plan was for her to lose.
DEFCON 1; DEFCON 1; DEFCON 1; DEFCON 1
"As you Were"
Mexico Transfers Inmates to Make Way for Mel Gibson Film
The inmates, all in need of medical attention, were transferred to California where they will ultimately be released in a "healthier, more dangerous state".
Wacko British Police take PC to stratospheric levels
Advise householders to adopt softly softly approach if they notice a burglar in their house - "We advise that they make a cup of tea for their burglar and help them find what they are looking for."
Sexaholic Wife of Northern Ireland's First Minister asks for audience with Tiger Woods
"Can't make this stuff up"
New Britney Tape Tops "Baloon Boy" Video Release
The attention capturing video has Britney losing her lighter than air head and groping for the pull handles while it floats away leaving the headless Brit doing one of her song less dance routines.
U.S. Senate Names Chelsea Clinton TSA Security Chief
Thus eliminating the claimed "problems" with agency heads exchanging critical information. All agencies will now funnel information through "Mother Hillary".
The Octopus is Now Complete.
Young women laugh at old women
Beautiful young women, who have boyfriends, like to laugh at lonely old women because men don't want old women anymore.
Men don't date old women
Men argue that they don't date old women because old women smell bad and they have old soft flesh that makes them sick. Old women are also slow and unable to have an energetic time on a date.
Old women are living in agony
Old women are complaining that man hungry lesbians are preying on them because their lonely and can't find men their age that are still alive.
Lesbians go on the biggest march in homosexual history
There was a million lesbian march in Washington complaining that straight women forced them into homosexuality by denying them men.
Women are declared a health hazard
An international health organization is warning people to stay away from women because they carry anal bacteria that are harmful to a person's health.
Old feminist complain
Old women around the world are complaining they can't find men because their unable to bear children to give men a family.
The National Organization of Women speaks out
N.O.W. said in a speech that women in prison should not be allowed to have men so they can force each other into agonizing lesbian behavior to eliminate their desires to commit crimes on free women.
The most agonizing pain a woman feels
Female researchers have discovered that the most agonizing experience a woman can feel is to finger bang another woman's hole and to lick another woman's fishy vagina.
The true nature of lesbians
After a thorough study physiologist have discovered that lesbian groups are composed of all the women in society who have been rejected by men.
Punishment for women
Female penologists say the best way to punish women if they misbehave is to make them have sex with other women so they lose their desires to commit crimes.
The most irritating people
A national survey showed that blacks are the most bothersome people because they like dominating and heckling other people that want their privacy to be respected.
What women fear the most
An international survey showed that the number one fear all women have is too be confronted by a naked women that's bent over with her wet, stinky vagina parted opened.
Where the wild lesbians are
Young women across the world say they are scared of college dormitories, military barracks, women's bathrooms, and prisons because that's where lesbians wait and prey on unsuspecting victims.
Thespoof.com is recognized for its news coverage
The Newspaper Association of America has declared Thespoof.com to be an official news agency based on their news worthy stories.
Morality speaks out again
Religious leaders declare paying taxes to the government to be a moral sin because they say the money should be given to the church.
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