Spoof news snippets from Saturday 6 February 2010
New England Captain's Plea To Squad
Anybody got Vanessa Perroncel's mobile number?
UK Gripped By Superbowl Fever
Unprecedented numbers of Brits opt for an early night.
Dog wins equivalent of VC for Animals
An eight-year-old labrador has been awarded the Dickin Medal for outstanding bravery. A total of 26 dogs have been awarded the medal whereas only one cat has. Proof that cats are a waste of space.
Government Saving a Packet!
In a bid to ban advertising cigarettes, the government has let manufacturers sell them in plain packets. Much of the cost of printing fancy boxes will be cut. However, the price WILL remain the same.
J.P. Morgan's Dimon Scores $ 16M Bonus
The outrage, was tempered by release of data showing Spoof .com's Mark Lowton received $ 17M Bonus.
Get a condom on that mongrel or else!
Tottenham Hotspur = Sheath Mutt Pronto
"Tea Party" Conventioners Eagerly Await Savior Palin
= large group of chumps awaiting sellout.
What's Ahead for Wall St. Stock Brokers
Unknown, but sure to make YOU broker.
US Banks Holding 6 Year Inventory of Foreclosed Homes
Number of Homeless in US reaching Unprecedented Thresholds.
March of the morons
Manchester City = Thy cretins came
Key to Remaining Boom Towns in US
All are built around new prisons
A New Cure Discovered
When Boris Grouch of Gloucester went to the doctors' with a minor cough, the General Practioner laughed at him. When Boris became upset, the doctor told him that laughter was the best medicine!
Is it true they're all morons?
Manchester City = Ace Cretins Myth
Part of the frigid sorority?
manchester City = Artic Hymen Set
For gawdssake don't you dare ejaculate until your scrotum's warmer!!!
Manchester City = Thy Arctic Semen
Around the time of that virginity exam!
Manchester City = Circa Hymen Test
Always Ran Out Of Brown
"The Underwear Bomber's Children's Coloring Book" being pulled from shelves at all Barnes & Nobel bookstores.
Manchester City = My Cancer Tithes
Spanner, monkey wrench etc
Manchester City = Try Mechanic Set
Not sexual, though
Manchester City = Enact Chemistry
Please, don't put this on your stawberries!
Manchester City = Synthetic Cream
Elasticated Top Gun flier?
Manchester City = Stretchy Iceman
Tally Ban For the Fairer Sex
Women have finally found acceptance in virtually every occupation in India except bookkeeping. With all the progress, there's still no accounting for women.
Nothing secular about their attempt
Manchester City = Catechism Entry
Always said they were ants...
Manchester City = Chancy Termites
Eine kleine nacht musik?
Manchester United = Charmed Nite Tunes
Dab of perfume for the predator
Manchester United = I'm A Scented Hunter
Manchester United = Christened Me Aunt
Afghan Audits Impossible
Shopkeepers in Kabul say that it is impossible to do inventories in their shops because of the tally ban.
Manchester United = A Cemented Shit Urn
Clapped Romney's celibate
Manchester United = Cheered A Mitt's Nun
Entirely New Crossbreed of Dog
The scientists at Oxford University have successfully crossed a Staffordshire Bull Terrier with a Shih Tzu and are open to suggestions on what to call the crossbreed.
Allowances for slimmer porn
Manchester United = Cede A Thinner Smut
Didn't deserve this stink
Manchester United = A Stench Unmerited
Prevent some guy with an erection?
Manchester United = Hinder A Tumescent
Manchester United = A Hermetic Stunned
Bet he pongs!
Manchester United = A Unscented Hermit
Senior Democrat involved?
Manchester United = Murtha Tendencies
Evidence of Communism in the Insect World
Scientists at Durham University have discovered evidence of Communism in the insect kingdom. It first took off when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.
She's on hardcore surety
Bristol Palin = Bail List Porn
She'll be loaded one day
Bristol Palin = Trap Billions
Kids ride bareback
Bristol Palin = Brats Pillion
He's part of the consipiracy?
Todd Palin = Dad In Plot
He ebbs and flows according to the monthly forecast
Todd Palin = Tidal Pond
Alaska First Dude just trouser tool?
Todd Palin = Pant Dildo
Amazing Archaeological Find
Archaeologists in the English County of Wiltshire have found part of an ancient door.
Interestingly, It had a stone hinge on it.
Initiate a Pal?
Rio Ferdinand = Ordain Friend
New England captain's a bit robotic
Rio Ferdinand - Finer Android
He's a slippery fish
George Clooney = Yo, GO Conger Eel!
A pox on thy fetid aftershave, George...
George Clooney = Ye Cologne Ogre
Single Teutonic smallholding for this movie actor...
Morgan Freeman = One German Farm
Actor's a badass diver!
Morgan Freeman = Meaner Frogman
Nah, she can't be that bad...
Sandra Bullock = Anal Clubs Dork
Fellating some dumb titled guy?
Sandra Bullock = Suck Banal Lord
Something fishy, if cliched, about Our Sandra!
Sandra Bullock = Banal Cod Lurks
Involved in murky cults stuff?
Sandra Bullock = Cabal Lord Sunk
She smears SP factor 50 all over her porky ass
Sandra Bullock = A Lard Sunblock
Hubble bubble toil and trouble....
Sandra Bullock = Balks Cauldron
I like Andrex Quilted toilet rolls and I like Charmin Ultra Soft. But which one's best?
There's only one way to find out....
Dogs and Cats breed faster than rabbits
Official: UK cat and dog population up by 4 million.
If you have lots of driving convictions - drive a Toyota
You could argue that it was the 'dumb car' that wouldn't stop when you rear-end someone at a red light.
If you're the kind of person who won't stop - there's a car for you
We're Just Cold!
Once again a dozen old men in trench coats driven from "Little Missy America" contest.
More Honda Recalls
Now Honda recalls 172,000 cars over fire scare as Toyota's attempt to calm safety fears backfires. Backfires blamed for several huge fires last summer.
Hole! Hole! Hole!
Council compensates jogger who spent Christmas Day locked in park toilets as he still can't get rid of odor.
Spits & Curses
Young mother jailed for biting midwife during childbirth. But attorney says that Rosemary will be back with her baby in no time.
Old Rascals Home
Tories consider £20,000 tax break for families building granny flats. Also, considering home for old flashers, Rascal Flats.
Talks To Himself
Man with 200 friends on Facebook eating out at McDonalds by himself once again.
Prez Reaching Out
President Obama to tour the US south this summer to apologize for Sherman's March To The Sea.
Last Dialect Speaker Dead
Ancient dialect extinct after last speaker dies. His last words were..well, we don't know do we?
More Sights Than Ever
Tourists are making last-minute trips to Washington's monuments and museums before they likely get snowed in don't make it out. Twenty inch snow and two-foot penis on Lincoln's statue comes early.
Trouble In Wallie World
Regular WalMarts complaining about being ran out of towns by Super WalMarts.
Bus Driver A Hero
Hero school bus driver rams runaway school bus into chocolate candy & ice cream store.
More Positive Message Needed
Aspen trying a friendlier tack with tourists. Taking down all signs that say, "Screw Vail, Keystone, Breckenridge".
Tell The Kids!
New daily PBS half-hour show for the kiddies, beginning in April, will be President Obama reading from the dictionary.
Problems With The Prius
Prius problems put spotlight on car electronics. "A spotlight can short out the electronics", says mechanic.
Rip Torn Celebrates 79th Birthday
Celebrates with other oldsters Fallen Can't Get Up and Dead Dick.
Taylor Lautner To Play Stretch Armstrong in Movie
Can he stretch out former girlfriend Taylor Swift's breasts so that she can fill up at least a b-cup bra?
Venus Williams Says She'll Watch Super Bowl
Of course, she'd also big and scary enough to play offensive line in teh game.
Former Dallas Cowboy Accused of Rape and Sued For A Million Dollars
Hey dumb ass, sue a guy who's still playing, not an old git who can't get it up anymore, has no job, and supposedly did this three years ago.
John Terry and WAG Expecting Twins
"When the 22 year olds get here, we'll have a great foursome."
Johnny Depp to Play Keith Richards in Rolling Stones Biopic
Taylor Swift will play Mick Jaggar due to big nose, wild hair, skinny body, and no tits.
Avatar Sequel Begins Production
In this one, Blue cousins Papa Smurf and Smurfette are in danger.
Kirstie Allie Leaving "The Big Life"
To star in "An Even Bigger Life."
New Mexico Bans Cell Phone Use While Driving
Putting on your make-up, eating a burger, getting a blow job, and reading a map are still permitted.
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Hits The Stands
No sports, mostly tits and ass (with a few nice leg and crotch shots)
Therapist Research: Incest is Never Consentual
Great Research Topic! Sis looks pretty good, time for some Rocky Mountain primary research?
Fewer Knock-Ups Reported
Many southern states say that their teaching on sex, "Just Say Naw!" is working fine.
Big Brother Arrives Few Years Late
Government moving into central role in health care, your sex life, your billfold.
Another redesign for Facebook on 6th birthday. New ways of making your photo make you look more desirable.
Pandas To China
US-born pandas reach new home in China. PETA protests, saying the were not even taught Chinese.
Russian Cargo Ship Lost?
Russian cargo ship arrives at space station. Tells those aboard they're lost. "Which is closest way to Babushkin?"
Huge lizard paralyzes nation's capital. I'm sorry, Huge blizzard paralyzes Washington.
"Once Again, From The Top"
Obama admits health care overhaul may die on Hill after over 100 speeches. "Time for my new health care bill proposal."
Judge Digging Deep
Judge wants Edwards sex tape 'under lock and key', plus volunteers to go see Edward's girlfriend.
Palin's Husband Entering Politics?
Palin e-mails suggest husband's role in governing. Points out how well Hillary trained Bill.
Maybe They Should Look Into A Mirror?
World financial leaders meeting to discuss world economic crisis. "Anybody here got change for a $1,000? I left my change back at our treasury department."
Picasso Painting Bees
Bees See Your Face as a Strange Flower! "Somewhat like a Picasso painting", says scientist.
Should Be More Serious
Japanese media criticize Toyota chief for "Sometimes you're the bug" response.
"What's The Harm?"
Western officials dismiss Iranian nuclear proposal. "Allowing your soldiers to view a nuclear test in an isolated area of the country is crazy", says US rep.
Aghan's Keystone Cops
Afghan police patrol kills 7 civilians. "Couldn't find any Taliban", says Captain.
Bills Going Forward
Two of Richards' bills advance, especially the Dick's Bill on Platypus.
Escaping From Rehab?
Police: Sheen vehicle stolen, hits fire hydrant, crashes in ravine. "Guy looked like Tiger Woods!", says Sheen.
Sheen Vehicle Stolen
Police: Sheen vehicle stolen, crashed in ravine. Tells police: "It may have been me."
States Going Broke, Making Moves
WA among states weighing sale of liquor business so they can take over & tax more. Also, all food, water and air supplies.
Worse To Worse
Just when Dems in Illinois were starting to move on from the scandals of ousted Gov. Rod Blagojevich, along comes Scott Lee Cohen, who is now accuse of wife-beating, girlfriend beating, sheep beating.
Needed Him Ten Years Ago!
Judge: Pratt can't move jobs out of US. Press scatters to hear more from a judge that makes sense.
Supreme Judges Obama
Still wonder exactly why Justice Samuel Alito shook his head and mouthed the words "not true" during President Barack Obama's State of the Union address? "Everything he said" explained Alito.
Sure They're Bee Experts?
Experts say that bees see your face as a strange flower, "like this bloom on the ..puff..potted plant here. And just look at my hand!"
Experts Are "The Bees Knees"
Experts say that bees see your face as a strange flower, your tongue as manure.
How About The Full Of "S" Word?
Palin's campaign against the "R-word" hits snag with Limbaugh. "What's wrong with saying 'rubbers'? They are trying to condom me for saying rubbers?"
The "R" Word
Palin's campaign against the "R-word" hits snag with Limbaugh. "They is what they is, and the word fits most politicians perfectly."
Ten Percent Unemployment Hits Illegals Hard
Obama, GOP sparring over job creation proposals while average Joe watches illegal aliens do their own lifelong jobs.
The Tax Men Are Coming
Snow piles up, paralyzing nation's capital. Now it knows how the rest of us feel about Obama policies.
Washington DC Snow II
Snow piles up, paralyzing nation's capital, so it hasn't made much difference.
Washington DC Snow
Snow piles up, paralyzing nation's capital as the curse Al Gore brought upon us, continues.
John Terry is just Leaving while Craig Levein is just starting
England Team Captain John Terry is just leaving
as Scotland Manager Craig Levein is just starting.
Keira Knightly is being Stalked Daily
Keira Knightly is being stalked Daily
as well as being stalked Nightly.
Vacation Hotels of the Future May Be Huge Vertical Airships Floating Way Above Ground
Cancel my reservation.
Scientists Find New Evidence on the Color of Dinosaurs
One dinosaur complains, "I don't get it. If color of skin doesn't matter for humans, then why should it matter for us?"
Astronaut Is Tweeting Photos of Earth from Outer Space
The photos of people in compromising positions he's saving to sell to the National Enquirer.
Spin Artists "Crafting" Tiger Woods Comeback
To put out a magazine front cover with smiling Elin and Tiger together. Lead in says "Yes He Cheated, But Its OK!"
Might work in the land of Orwell.
Lil Wayne: Why I'm Looking Forward to going to Jail
I'm small, so I can play the role of a little boy.
China "Ready to go to the Mat on O'Bama Meet with Dalai Lama
Reports are the O'Bama's niece Delilah has been dating Dali.
US Trained Afghan Police Killing Everyone Every Which Way but Loose
US Commander says operation Afghan Demise succeeding as planned.
Women Scramble at "Running of the Brides" Dress Sale
Men at the scene scrambled as well...to their cars and right to the nearest bar.
Feds Invest 2.5 M in Super Bowl for Census
Census workers will now be paid to attend the Super Bowl while taking census data from fans. Government Official says "that's were the most people are at one time, so it makes good sense.
Nato Putting "More Optimistic" Face on Afghan War
New propaganda line to be "Afghans actually love the war."
They should as they are now on the Federal payroll.
China Selling U.S. Debt to Oil Laden Nations
at a 40% Discount.
Burger King to Make Move to Healthier Menu
Adding to the menu will be Camel Burgers, a favorite of the coming migration of Yemenis to the U.S.
Judege Wants Edwards Sex Tape "Under Lock and Key"
Damn Right. In his desk drawer next to his VCR, with a lock and he keeps the key for "safepeeping."
Government Moving Into Central Role in Healthcare
O'Bomba Considering Appointment of Death Czar
O'Bomba Admits Healthcare Dead
Says citizens should opt for early internment
Federline at 240lbs. Says Kirstie Alley Proposed
Two whales in a pod.
Russia Strategic Thinki Tank Announces Death of the F15 flying Eagle
Sukhoi PAK FA fighter - the production version will be fitted with phased-array radar that will 'see' American F15s without detection (by the illuminated F15s). It will rain F15s c/o President Obama.
Proposed 28th Amendment to the US Constitution
Presidents and members of Congress who presided over large budget deficits shall be soley responsible for paying these funds back to the US Treasury during the following fiscal year.
Not-All-There Annual Award
A NYC school system administrator, who had a junior high school student arrested for doodling on her desk with a marker, is in the lead.
The Martians Did It
Pakistani government officials believe the recent spate of homicide bombings, killing women & children, are being carried out by USA, UK, Israel, India or Martians. They are leaning towards Martians!
Signs of Spring
The first bumper sticker reading "Obama for President", overlaid with "Is it 2012 Yet?" has been sighted in Washington DC.
Nostradamus, "World will end in 2012"
Scholars interpretation: The new US president will say "enough of all Democratic & Republican excessive spending, I am raising everyone's taxes until this generation pays off the damn national debt!"
Epidemiologist Isolates Illinois's Problem
A Dr. L Pasteur Jr. has isolated a bacterium that causes political corruption in the state of Illinois. This germ has also spread to infect some politicians of Nevada, Nebraska, Arkansas & Louisiana.
California to Eliminate Phone Books
California is saving trees by eliminating phone books in the computer age. A virtual panic has erupted in states that still employ outhouses, fearing this is a terrible way to employ laptop computers.
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