Spoof news snippets from Monday 22 February 2010
I'm Not That Bad
The New York Metropolitan Museum is trying to increase number of customers by offering section where you can compare size of penis to those on statue, ass to classic paintings. Most leave happier.
Airlines Trying Everything
Delta Airlines to charge extra $10 for pillow, blanket, $150 for lap dance in First Class!
Happy People Scattered About Mid South
Although Hawaii voted the most happy state, parts of Kentucky, Tennessee & W. Virginia in the backwoods, mountains, the people are happiest from own private stocks of Happy Weed.
But She's A Pro
Ugly old prostitute say her arms are killing her after pulling another all-nighter.
The Tennessee Stud
Tipper Gore worried about her husband Al after wild night in bed when he not only removed his shoes and socks but actually loosened his tie.
200% Of Daily Requirements
Report: Today's cereals more healthy than ever as many companies attaching vitamin pills in package, using one per serving.
Dumbing Down Of Society
Scientists say human evolution accelerating, but backwards. Give examples of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Britney & Amy Winehouse.
Just Say "No Way, Jose!"
Bristol Palin still on tour of schools saying teenagers should avoid having sex, "especially with me as I get knocked up easily."
Duke of Glooucester = Locked Rogue Fetus
"What Are They Doing?"
Some say that "No sex during flights" signs at airports harmful to youths.
For Extra $20, Copies Of Scans To Mail To Friends
Most Airline passengers are to be given a choice of either a body scan of full pat down or both if they feel lonely and the need for contact, exposure.
Madoff victims find a benefactor
Duke of Gloucester = Took Fleeced Gurus
Corridors of power
Liberal Democrats = A Marbled Cloister
Leggo On The Go
Housing market encouraged as the Lego Company announces increase in sales over this time last year.
Liberal Democrats = A Scrambler Toiled
Blackadder behind the shenanigans again
Liberal Democrats = A Baldric Molester
Sex and the City = Next Cash Deity
Blame it on the mortal coils
Sex and the City = Destiny Hex Act
No Holy Land Here
Sex and the City = Sanctity Hexed
He knew Stalin was a bastard swine
Sir Winston Churchill = Concur Swinish Thrill
National Lottery Scam by the Archbish of Cantabury?
Sir Winston Churchill = Church Wins Trillions
Royal benefits scroungers were always needling him for more dosh
Sir Winston Churchill = In Churlish Crown List
Eventual Dutch withdrawal from Afghanistan causes chaos, who the fuck will supply the drugs?
The Dutch government has been dissolved over an Afghani dispute, if they withdraw who the fuck will supply them with their drugs? The Taliban are devastated and the Dutch, well, they're just stoned!
Stimulus Maximus Caesar Obama
Most say that all the new stimulus packages accomplished was to put bigger pricks into political offices.
We Squeak The Bed To Annoy Fred & Ethel!
Report in the New York Times that most of New Yorkers in apartment can hear neighbors having sex, especially after drilling holes in was, placing mikes.
E-Mountains soon to surpass Everest only problem is they PONG!
E-mountains in Asia are growing so rapidly that scientists are predicting they will soon grow higher than Everest, Himalayan Sherpa's are being informed and the first "base camps" are being built!
Us Owes Japan, China
U.S. now owes Japan more than China. Forget the Tea Parties! It's time for "The Rice Parties!"
Hefner Opens Clinic
Hugh Hefner opens new sex clinic using his new theory, "Operation Overkill!"
Kirstie Doing Better
Kirstie Alley says she now feels a lot better about herself after her date with Meatloaf!
Simmons In Rehab?
Friends of Richard Simmons trying to get him back into clinic after he loses another half pound by cutting off his toes with a weed whacker.
German Skier called A Wank
There was laughter at the Winter Olympics in the Ski Jump when the announcer introduced the German competitor saying "Now its time for A Wank"
Iran to use advanced centrifuges at new uranium enrichment sites to help ...
To: (1) improve milk quality for school children? Or (2) to build uranium nuke warheads?
Flashman was the bully
Flashman was the bully in Gordon Brown's Schooldays
More Today Than Ever!
Vice President Joe Biden says that every American should at least have no-fault insurance for wardrobe malfunction accidents.
He's SEEN The Private Files
Former President George Bush: If we our increase our dependence of foreign solar energy, we'll be playing right into the aliens hands.
May Strike At Any Time
News out of Afghanistan this morning is an announcement of Al-Jayzero that the Suicide Bombers have formed a Union.
To many deaths caused by Wardrobes
To many deaths caused by wardrobes that's why
Gordon Brown only bullies his cabinet
"You Damn Kids Have No Respect For Others!"
The crew of the space shuttle Endeavour has been grounded for two weeks after it was returned with dings, scratches and empty fuel tanks.
Lousy tips from these rednecks
National Bullying Helpline = Unelegant Hillbilly On Pain
Time Flies, But It's Here!
Iran begins its annual "Ye Auld Hitler Days" celebrations!
"Thought You Could Escape The Police, Did You?"
Frightened customer fleeing new Jersey restaurant during mob 10-minute shootout the only one arrested as he forgot to pay for his lunch.
Simmons Won't Name Victims
Tiger Woods claims that Richard Simmons driving him crazy at sex clinic. Simmons apparently returns for a yearly speech on how the clinic cured him years ago.
Toyota Recall #10
Another Toyota Recall: Rear View mirror spins wildly every time a hot babe drives by in convertible!
Raising Hard Cash
Richard Prawn, a film maker of some twenty years has raised the money he needed to pay his loan shark by selling one of his hard core chess films, yes he has pawned Pawn Porn.
Another Toyota Recall: Ash tray bottoms left off as hundreds claim that pants catch on fire. But Toyota says that that fact alone shows they are lying.
Toyota Recall #8
Another Toyota Recall: Can cause serious injury as airbags sometimes come out from between your legs in the seat.
Toyota Recall #7
Another Toyota Recall: Voice on new GPS System sounds exactly like 'Tokyo Rose' according to grandfather.
Another Toyota Recall: Sometimes when you come home after parking with date near a cemetery, there's a bloody hook hanging from your window.
Another Toyota Recall
Another Toyota Recall: Roadkill remover in front sometimes comes out while stopped at traffic lights and goose pedestrians.
Still, Orders One For Vatican Entrance
Pope condemns misuse of Airport scanners, also thousands of strip-searches!
Power Naps Profitable
Why do power naps during the day make you smarter? Scientists think it's from "Waking up and smelling the coffee" twice a day instead of once!
Tony Blair and George Bush rub shoulders with business elite at awards ceremony in oil-rich Nigeria. Both there to check on their investments on money held in bank after they sent in $1,000 each.
It Worked Again
Space shuttle Endeavour touches down in rare night-time landing on the Hudson River.
Luftwaffe Pilots Go On Strike
Coventry residents say 'Thanks, but a little too late.'
"Mrs." Peanut Relieved
Cure for deadly peanut allergy 'within three years', say doctors. Jimmy Carter family cheer, fire guns into the air!
Another Inconvenient Truth
More bad news as Britain colder than Canada as temperatures plunge to -18c... with more snow and rain on the way. Al Gore accrues a fresh new collection of curses.
Blast From The Past
Thieves left this massive hole in the side of a bank when they ripped out a cash machine with a stolen forklift. Police ask public for any info on new "Hole In The Wall Gang".
Neighbor's Dog Had Really Foul Mouth
Dog behaviour specialist who tried to kill wife before committing suicide often repeated horrible things the dogs said to him.
Reportedly Over 1,000 Pencils Stuck On His Office Ceiling!
Brown faces fresh bullying claim as ANOTHER Downing Street employee emails helpline to claim they were victimised by Prime Minister!
Howard powers Magic to 101-95 win over Calves. I'm sorry, that should be "Cavs".
Nuggets Break Loose
Smith's big 4th quarter helps Nuggets top Celtics. "And we had them by the balls", says Boston coach.
Celebate Nerds Celebrate
Motion picture academy honors nerds of filmmaking, organizers of science fiction con's.
Blame Global Warming
Study: Global Warming to bring stronger hurricanes, bigger snows, more piss-poor movies.
Won't Be Bragging Again Soon
Documents: Toyota boasted saving $100M on recall. Since release of info, several injured in Toyota wrecks, sue for $100M.
Brown To Close Bullying Helpline
"We don't need this sort of thing. Staff should be working not talking to do gooders!"
Need Rate Cuts For Washington Politicians
New Obama health proposal would limit rate hikes on insurance payments but once again, none on politician's pay.
Pretty Close To That Expected
Marijuana use by seniors goes up 10,000 percent as boomers age.
"Whut IS That Thang, Homer?"
In rare night landing, space shuttle back on Earth. Houston receives message that they landed somewhere in Arkansas where they are surrounded by farmers with shotguns, pitchforks.
Landing In The Dark
In rare night landing, space shuttle back on Earth somewhere out there, according to Houston. Ask for spotters.
Iran, Israel War Of Words
Iran: work on 2 new enrichment sites to begin soon. Israel: "Bring it on!"
Bard Could Really Get Funky
Research finds there is a brain link for words, music ability. Shakespeare could play a mean pennywhistle.
Tried To Sneak One By
Documents: Toyota boasted saving $100M on recall, may now have twice as many to recall.
BA Cabin Crew Announce Strike Plans
Ballot boxes will be located here and to the rear. In the event of a decision in favour of a strike placards will drop down from the overhead panel and slogans can be found in the in flight magazine.
Show Some Concern
Cooperation among faiths focus of Earth Care conference. Iran, Israel asked to confine nuclear exchanges to windless days.
Cashiers Protest New Rules
Plastic bags in US at groceries "Plastic or paper bags" may change to "Kill sea creatures or trees?"
Weren't Wearing Boots
Oregon coach boots receiver after Facebook posting of locker room shower scenes.
Chekov Son Missing
"Star Trek" veteran's actor son missing in Canada. "Chekov" says he had been messing around with some Klingon youth.
Arrests In Church Fire!
DNA, hot line lead to arrests in Texas church fire. Hot line worker states voice received as "Otherworldly".
Raw Milk Debate
Raw milk debate spills into capitols, courts, streets..but no use crying over it.
Obama Against Football?
New Obama health proposal would limit rate hikes, woods hikes, football hikes!
Even Bigger Loser AtToo Sudden Change!
'The Biggest Loser' Has Big Problems, Health Experts Say as Winners have already been falling over flabby extra skin.
Words, Music Ability
Research finds brain link for words, music ability, but still hardly understand a word Dylan says.
No More Secrets?
Atom smasher ramped up in quest for secrets of universe, Masons, Knights of Columbus rituals.
Iran A Little Shaky
Israel unveils new drone fleet that can reach Iran. The US says that it has no idea how that go them.
Al Gore to form new Rock Band
He's calling it The Al Gore Rhythms.
Celebituaries: Alexander Haig, arbiter of Argy-bargy
Prime minister Gordon Brown has paid tribute to Haig, saying: "More of his shuttle diplomacy and a 'Falklands Effect' before May were my last chance of winning the election," adding: "I see no ships!"
Carey Mulligan terrified of BAFTA statuette
Mulligan, Sally Sparrow in spooky Doctor Who episode "Blink", is reportedly terrified of her BAFTA after David Tennant warned the creepy mask would come alive if she shut her eyes, even for a moment.
Bully of 10 Downing Street revealed
Previously thought to be a fictional character, spin doctor Malcolm Tucker said if I broke the news, he'd take my nuts and shove them so far up my arse that squirrels would eat them from my mouth.
"Democratic US Congressman Eliot Engel slams Obama's Mideast policy."
"Good Enough For Me & Knobby My Knee"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Big Diaper & The Holding Company, with special guests, Brownfinger!
"Sweet Judy Bluehair"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Jim McGuinn & The Tyrds!
"Let's Go Do The Pot!"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Danny & The Seniors!
"Where Did Our Teeth Go?"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: Diana Rots & The Old Slop Tits!
"Kind Of A Drag, When You're 70 Years Old"
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: The Bucking Hams!
Saturday Night Only
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: B. Bumble & The Stinkers!
Harrah's Casino Presents
Harrah's Casino welcomes this week's golden oldies: John Fogey & CCR with special guests, The Blue-Hair McGoos!
Hill & Thomas Rematch
Anita Hill claiming Supreme Court Justice Thomas is still after her, constantly phoning and asking if she's ready for the Supreme sacrifice.
King Found Nude
Larry King found nude except for his suspenders, hanging in a closet. "Just thought I'd give it try", stated King. "However, I screwed up somewhere."
Trump Back Home
Donald Trump out of hospital after waking up yesterday morning with a rat having sex with that thing on his head.
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