Spoof news snippets from Friday 3 December 2010
Bush Continues To Defend Iraq War
Says Bush, "The world is better of without Saddam Hussein and the million innocent Iraqis I killed."
Operation: Loudmouth Begins
Under attack, WikiLeaks seeks shelter in cold war bunker as British planes take off in pursuit.
Cher Loses Her Ass!
At the American Music Awards the other night, Cher once again lost her ass. That's literally. Third year in a roll she's had to stay Behind!
Qatar Hosting World Cup
Qatar was chosen instead of the United States for the next World Cup. Qatar had also defeated the United States team three years in a row at Camel Polo.
Bananas & Peanut Butter
In Japan, a produce company is selling "Mozart Bananas." They're bananas that have grown in a room where Mozart is playing. If this works, next year they will grow "Elvis Peanuts" for peanut butter.
Why did the fox cross the road
because he wanted to get to the chicken.
WalMart Wanger Free On Bail
WalMart claims that man caught masterbating in toy department yesterday was sent by a competitor. "They always put up a stiff competition!"
174 Eclipse Viewers Killed By Robert Pattison / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
174 Eclipse viewers were killed by the DVD commentary by Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.
"We believe they died of abject boredom," said the medical examiner.
174 Eclipse Viewers Killed By Robert Pattison / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
174 Eclipse viewers were killed by the DVD commentary by Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.
"We believe they died of abject boredom," said the medical examiner.
South Ossetia Sides With Russia
The Republic of Georgia says that South Ossetia, a breakaway region that sides with Russia, is a loose cannon.
Bobbitt Called In For Castration
Sex-offending teacher asks for castration. Lorens Bobbitt called after Rabbi refused do perform during days of Hannukah!
Last Of Hillary In Politics
Hillary Clinton says she's in her last public job. No presidential run in 2012? "Nope. I don't want to be saddled with this mess!"
Heesters Turns 106, Quits Smoking!
Actor Johannes Heesters quits smoking - at age 106. "It was messing up my sex life."
Hobo's Out Of Luck
China passenger train hits 300 mph, breaks record, hits what looks like two to three cows.
Just Wanted To Drop In And Call You On The Phone
President Obama on Afghan trip. Obama visits troops, phones Karzai. "By calling Karzai from here, it's a local call.", he explains.
102th Flooding This Year!
Authorities in Bosnia, Serbia and Montenegro declare state of emergency after worst flooding in 104 years. Leaders say they guess it was their turn!
No Surprise This Time?
President Obama arrives in Afghanistan for unannounced visit. Given the red carpet treatment. Suspects Wiki of giving him away.
Only One Requirement!
Jessica Simpson wants a "simple wedding" this time. "Just as long as he's got a big penis!"
Nasty thieves steal snowman in the UK!
A woman rung 999 and told the police some scoundrels had stolen her snowman, they rushed to the crime scene and asked her for a description, she said he was white and had carrot for a nose?
Buffalo Weather
Buffalo New York experienced a weather phenomenon known as thunder snow yesterday. Visiting Paris Hilton says that the snow is up to her nose.
Pee Wee Has Scary Week
Pee Wee Herman had a scary week after a check-up showed something up his wazoo. However, today the doctor told him that he thought it could be rectified.
"It's Not In Their Bedroom Is It?"
Man caught outside Lexington family's bedroom window told police he had lost his watch there about a year ago. "I meant to come back before but I could never find the time."
Obama Visits Afghanistan
From Afghanistan, Obama delivers remarks on U.S. economy: "So you see, you're better off here!"
Santa Given Warning
Santa Claus has received a warning for stalking after he's caught creeping around, looking into windows, to see who has been naughty & nice.
Big Brother Watching
Feds Warrantlessly Tracking Americans' Credit Cards in Real Time. Better have a good explanation if you suddenly deposit $10,000 or more into bank account.
Man On The Run!
President Obama flees to Afghanistan. Tells Hillary that this time it's his turn to being gone during congressional turmoil. Hillary escaped all during the November elections.
New 'Naked Gun'?
Rumor out already that there may be a new 'Naked Gun' movie as a tribute to the late Leslie Nielson. Pricilla Presley has signed as co-star and the part of O.J. Simpson will be played by Lisa Marie.
Industries Surviving the Recession
Industries surviving recession by asking employees to do double their previous workload, down-sizing.
Germ Munchies
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we gnaw it'!
Unannounced Trip
President Obama in Afghanistan on unannounced trip...well I guess I screwed that up!
Jobless Rate Increases
Company payrolls barely rise, jobless rate, everyone's nerves jump!
Nope, Nothing There!
WikiLeaks report there's no more gold in Fort Knox than there is any funds in Social Security, borrowed by congress 40 years ago.
Two For One Sale?
New signs popping up near funeral homes: "Ask Us About Our Boomer Specials!"
Lebron Back At Cleveland
NBA star Lebron James scores 38 points to lead Miami Heat over old team, Grieveland Cavaliers.
Lebron Returns
Lebron James uses 38-Special to blow away his old NBA team, the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Nine Month Old Cyst Arrives
Woman finds out she's NINE months pregnant after doctors tell her she's got an ovarian cyst. "I think I'll name her 'Kate' and call her Sis.
25% Drop Online Grocery Shoppers
One in four online grocery shoppers has now given up because of a 'poor service', tooth marks in products.
No More World Cup In England?
We'll never bid again to host the World Cup, says Team England boss (as Putin turns up to gloat over 'mafia state' Russia's win). "I hope they lose a trillion dollars."
Anti-Social Security Still
Deficit-cutting plan wins more bipartisan support before vote. But raising retirement age to 69 won't help. They will apply and draw more from disability at earlier age.
Bipartisan Congress Didn't Consider Poor Again
Deficit-cutting plan wins more bipartisan support before vote. Social security payments to begin when you are 76.
Plagiarists Conference - Manchester
This year's conference is the same format as the Clichés Conference. Please copy somebody else's ticket to gain entry. The keynote speaker will be giving Steve J Gould's speech.
Man killed in Toronto Library with a crossbow
Suspect, Robin of the hood, was arrested at his Sherwood Forest apartment, he shared with his little brother John. Police credit Meter maid Marian for getting the license number of his green van.
Progressive Insurance wants to acquire GEICO Car Insurance
Flo the television pitch woman for Progressive said, "I hear gecko tastes like chicken, now bring on Aflac, I'd love to try duck."
Natalie Portman Talks
Natalie Portman Talks Pasta-Heavy Diet, 'Flexible' Boyfriend, The String Theory.
We Have No Idea
Uncertainties of 'Global Warming': Sea Level Could Rise in South, Fall in North, stay the same everywhere.
England To Boycott World Cup
It won't make much difference though, because most people don't notice we're there anyway. That's when we do manage to qualify.
Jobs Market Down
Unemployment up to 9.8%! See if this drops if unemployed benefits stop after six months.
Own A Piece Of History
Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin to be auctioned in L.A. Body will cost extra. Most think it is Casino Bound!
World Cup Update
World Cup 2018 to be in Russia and 2022 to Qatar and be pissed in by England on both occasions!
A procrastinator's guide!
A procrastinator's guide to holiday air travel you had plan to do this Thanksgiving.
FIFA Fuel announce take over of BP !
FIFA boss Bepp Splatter today announced the shock takeover of fuel giant BP following the recent acquisition of several oil wells in both the Middle East and Eastern Europe.
More to follow.....
Oh Freedom!
Aretha Franklin calls her surgery a success. "I told them, you better 'think, think about what you're trying to do to me'."
Risky River, Take My Behind
Study says even being a bit overweight is whiskey.....risky.
New Train Speed Record Set
China passenger train hits 300 mph, breaks record, necks!
Chicken factory robbery investigated
Police are taking the utmost care whilst searching the scene for clues. "Our constables are treading on eggshells while we carry out our investigation," said Chief Inspector Yolk.
Spammer Due In Court
Man due in Milwaukee court on spamming charge...also potted meat!
Cliché writers conference
You won't be taken for a ride at this hottest conference of the year, taking place at the end of the day, we'll cover all the bases. Book now, tickets are selling like hotcakes.
Ansenic As Nutrient
Microbe found that can use arsenic as nutrient. Seven Agatha Christie classics being updated.
1 Trick to White Teeth
Dentists are afraid of letting this secret slip, but single mom discovers that brushing teeth thrice daily makes teeth brilliantly white!
China To Tighten Up
China says it will tighten monetary policy in 2011. Everybody else spending like there's no tomorrow.
Is Acai Berry a Miracle Diet or an Internet Scam?
Hundreds shocked to hear that Acai Berry is actually a fruit.
Private Highing Picks Up
Private hiring pickup forecast for November, especially "turkey" jobs.
One secret to a sexy stomach
A mom discovers that keeping the truth from others helps you lose weight!
Feminists Finally Emerge, Apparently Afraid Of Taliban!
Feminists accuse Joe Scarborough of using sexist language. Still no word on women being treated worse than animals in Arab countries.
Clarence Thomas' Wife Not Leaving Tea Party
Clarence Thomas' wife: I'm not leaving my Tea Party organization. What's more, I am not starting a Tupperware Party that stand-ups are talking about.
Spacecraft Returns
Unmanned US spacecraft returns after 7-month trip, but in completely different saucer-shape.
Won't Help HIV Spread
Kenya PM's Call to Arrest Gays Jeopardizes HIV Prevention. Beginning with all the other prisoners.
Something To Sing About
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we know it'. L'Chaim!
World Affected By Everything
How Europe's Debt Crisis Could Infect America! "If a fly farts in the Congo...."
Purchase Former Rentals
Boost Retirement Savings by Avoiding Car Payments! No need for new car every 4-5 years, you bunch of morons! Economists are fed up!
Kentucky Needs Intrepreters
Ky. sees 35K cases a year that require interpreters. Mostly Yanks from up north.
German Hackers Steal Pop
German hackers allegedly steal pop music. Many boomers say they hope they keep it.
Rear Visibility Improved
Gov't offers new rules for rear visibility in cars. However, two-foot rear view mirror could hurt front view.
In Your Face
LeBron dominates in Cleveland return. "See, I could play when I want to."
US Spacecraft Returns
Unmanned US spacecraft returns after 7-month trip, full of arsenic aliens!
SKorean Jets On Stand-By
SKorean jets will bomb North if it attacks again. Of course, the same thing was stated before last attack.
LOUD TV ADS TO BE lowered!
Ear relief: Congress acts to stifle loud TV ads. Many glad Billy Mays not around to hear this.
Lower TV Ads!
Ear relief: Congress acts to stifle loud TV ads. Should help those who still have hearing.
Good To See Cooperation
Foreign help arrives to help Israel fight fire. PLO youth helping by throwing rocks onto fires, firefighters.
Let's Vote "Maybe" & Then Leave
Congress in a hurry with stupid running of the country to finish so the holiday parties can begin.
Give Us The "Reader's Digest" Version
Deficit-cutting plan wins more support before vote. "We think even more will support it once they read it."
SKorean Jets Ready
SKorean jets will bomb North if it attacks again...Mad Kim or no Mad Kim!
Vincent's Starry Starry Night
Starry, starry, starry night: Phrase users yesterday in star count, may be sued by Don McLean.
You Never Know Where Inspiration Will Come From
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we know it'. Scientists accidentally discovered this from watching the play, "Phosphorus and Old Lace".
But Now OUR Life!
Arsenic-munching germ redefines 'life as we know it'...Also death AS we know it.
WikiLeaks Shows Training Working
WikiLeaks Shows the Skills of U.S. Diplomats. Training to keep poker face while lying is paying off.
Getting Better At Lying
WikiLeaks Shows the Skills of U.S. Diplomats...in deceiving the American public.
Offened The Swiss
WikiLeaks switches to Swiss domain after attacks since Swiss now trying to arrest WikiLeaker.
Extend It Then Don't?
A deal to extend expiring tax cuts for all taxpayers taking shape even as Senate Democrats plan weekend votes on bills that lets the tax cuts for the wealthy die. Makes perfect sense for Washington.
Datey Katey
Kate Middleton admitted today that she had slept with Bono, Mick Jagger, Justin Timberlake, Seal, Liam Gallagher, Elvis Costello(?), Meatloaf(??) and Sinead O'Connor(!!??). What will Willy say?
Thought For The Day:
Going to Hell in a handcart? Not me! If I've gotta go, I'm going in a Maserati!
Blue Red Tops
UK tabloids saddened and frustrated by persistent Wills/Kate happiness.
Royal Family capitalizes on snow fall
Duchess of York relocated to grace and favour igloo.
Snowfall will not harm UK economy
Bank of England says: "A corpse can't catch a cold, can it?"
New government plan to clear roads
Princess Anne to glare at snow.
Bright side to FIFA balls up
One less visit from Posh.
Scientists claim three times as many stars as originally believed
Reality television blamed.
2 for 2
Santa Claus dumps UK from itinerary after World Cup loss.
The low pressure super system that stole Christmas
Snowed in, Britain forced to cancel holidays.
92-year old woman says she's still looking for love
and her glasses.
Game changer?
Prince Charles' secret delight Wills couldn't win World Cup for UK.
Petty is the new diplomacy
WikiLeaks resentment so poisons international relations No. 10 won't congratulate Russia over World Cup hosting win.
West Loathian fears over seismic event unfounded
Neighbours aid Susan Boyle after fall on icy pavement.
UK's Top Ten Winter Driving Tips Delayed
due to road closures.
WikiLeaks gets personal
Hillary Clinton beauty secrets to be revealed tomorrow.
Idaho white supremacist builds Klan snowman on his front lawn
Mark Eliseuson said, "I didn't mean no harm, despite what the neighbors was saying." To prove his point he burned a cross, melting the snowman. Firefighters saved his dog before the house burned down.
LPGA Votes to Allow Transgender Women
The LPGA commissioner said a constitutional clause that competitors must be "female at birth" would be removed, adding, "We still have final say over putters and balls."
House Censures Veteran Rep. Rangel for Misconduct
Rangel was at times contrite in his address to members of Congress. Fortunately, the dapper Congressman didn't require stitches as he bit his lip.
Snow strands Buffalo motorists
Hundreds of bison in motorcars have been stranded for nearly 20 hours on a major thoroughfare in upstate New York.
Aretha Franklin calls her surgery a success
The Queen of Soul said, "God is still in control." R-E-S-P-E-C-T
England Lose 2018 World Cup
Sorry, that should read 'England Lose Out On 2018 World Cup', bloody predictive text...
Fed Chairman Needs To Answer
Federal Reserve May Be 'Central Bank of the World' After UBS, Barclays Aid! Fed busy bailing out foreign banks & allowing funds to lead to firing half police force in US second most violent city!
Thank You USA
Thank you President George W Bush, Bono and USA drug companies for providing HIV/AIDS drugs to African countries to fight this deadly disease.
President Obama says Trust Me
Obama desires Senate Republicans to ratify the START Treaty with Russia. The president promises to update remaining USA nuclear weapons, but also promised to renew oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico!
Hiding in a Cave
The WikiLeaks founder is sharing a cave in Sweden with Osama bin Laden. How come this fugitive could find Osama when no one else could?
Lunch at the Cancun Environmental Conference
Japan proposes rescinding the Kyoto Protocols. This position reversal was discussed at a working buffet lunch catered by the Japanese, consisting of Whale meat delicacies!
Military Personnel Too Fat
The US Navy first noticed over 15 years ago that sailors were getting too fat and corrected the problem. The tip-off was a Submarine's Chief of the Boat couldn't fit down the hatch!
Here Comes the President's Debt Commission
Blue states dependent on Washington DC touted lower than the national unemployment rate, due to high federal employment & supporting service companies. When the federal cutbacks come, look out!
Pelosi's Pedigree
The pathetic pathological progressive pariah Pelosi purposely puts party politics prior to patriotism, perhaps polarizing people to perceive this puckish pariah as a perennial pompous pygia!
Obama's Economic History Lesson
During 2009 to 2011 the USA almost committed economic suicide. The cause a $3 trillion deficit, useless stimulus package, Obamacare & policies of the FED, FCC, OSHA, EPA, USDOT, TSA, DOI, DOE & USFWS.
Ahmajinedad goes to Arab summit
There was an uncomfortable silence after Ahmajinedad said "Hello my Arab Friends!"
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