Spoof news snippets from December 2010
There were 1,354 spoof news snippets published in December 2010. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Top Tip:
Women - be aware that telepathy is, in fact, extremely rare. Don't take a chance with the man in your life - if you want something, use spoken words, don't just think at him.
Top Tip:
Men - be careful, especially when shaving, not to slice open your carotid artery. It will not end well for you.
Thought For The Day:
Going to Hell in a handcart? Not me! If I've gotta go, I'm going in a Maserati!
Top Tip:
Have another drink - it'll make you feel better.
Merkel Resists Eurozone Proposals
Doesn't fancy anyone and sees herself in the role of a German Elizabeth I - the Virgin Chancellor!
Top Tip:
Guitarists: if you have an electric guitar, don't play it plugged in while bathing.
Dawns And Sunsets
There are many women named Dawn in this world... so how come no one is named Sunset??
Top Tip:
Virgins - if you wish to maintain your status, avoid sexual congress.
Top Tip:
When solving crosswords, remember: you can only write one letter in a box where answers cross.
Top Tip:
Renaissance poetry lovers - if you don't understand Italian, make sure you buy a relevant translation of Dante.
Report: 87% of Populace Unsure What to Do In Hypothetical Situations
LONDON - According to a report by Imperial Col., nearly 90% of people don't know what to do in a hypothetical situation. Also, nine in four people don't know ratios, and 5-thirds don't know fractions.
Thought For The Day:
Boobee-doo do do ... pom te pompom. Tramps like us... what? Oh sorry, tuned out there for a mo... where were we? Ah, yes - the significance of faster-than-light travel in the works of Jane Austen...
Top Tip:
Vegetarians - while it will probably cause you no harm, be aware that eating meat will mean you should no longer label yourself "vegetarian."
Snippet KIng Writes Snippet
A man who, only last week, was proclaimed Snippet King on the satirical news website TheSpoof.com has, this morning, written a snippet.
Moodys in Sharp Irish Downgrade
"I can't see us playing Dublin or Belfast again any time soon," said lead singer and guitarist Justin Hayward.
US Military Switches To Ham Radio.
The US Military has switched to ham radio for use in Iraq and Afghanistan. "This way, Muslims can't listen in," says President Obama.
New Chain Steakhouses to Open Soon
1000 new jobs will be created next year when a chain of 50 Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses will open across the country. They will be especially for people who love meat tender.
Midwives Call For "Seismic Shift"
"I, for one, am fed up to the back teeth with the way the continents look. Every year, in the atlas, everything's the same. It's time for a change," says top midwife Felicia Fontanelle.
Terrorists Do Something Good for Once, Blow Up X-Factor
LONDON - Intellectuals rejoiced in Britain today, as Ali Ibrahim destroyed the studios of ITV's X-Factor talent show. The police are treating the attack as 'accidental', and will not preceed further.
John Travolta to Host "Homosexuals In Denial Who Believe In Aliens From Outer Space" Convention in 2011.
John Travolta to Host "Homosexuals In Denial Who Believe In Aliens From Outer Space" Convention in 2011. Tom Cruise will be a keynote speaker.
So Farewell, Captain Beefheart.
Sorry - I only saw your obits today.
And sorry - I just never got it, although I gather I should have.
Palin slams MapQuest as useless
"Doesn't even have a country like Scandinavia."
England Lose 2018 World Cup
Sorry, that should read 'England Lose Out On 2018 World Cup', bloody predictive text...
The oldest trick in the book
A 72-year-old prostitute who works in a residential home in Swindon has got her name printed in the telephone directory. She claims to be the "Oldest Trick in the Book"
Spoof News Competition Won by News Corporation's FOX News/Sun Tabloid
LOS ANGELES - At the 2010 Journalist Press Corps Convention, website TheSpoof.com came joint second with The Onion in catagory: Spoof News. First place won by News Corp's FOX News and the Sun tabloid.
Sniffer Snakes
The RCMP are using snakes in order to sniff out any explosives being smuggled into Canada. Snakes are known to have 50 times greater sense of smell than humans. These snakes will be known as Mountie Pythons.
92-year old woman says she's still looking for love
and her glasses.
The Spoof Welcomes H&R Block Back As An Advertiser!
The Spoof Welcomes H&R Block Back As An Advertiser! In related news, The Spoof writer Anthonyrosania will be on 'vacation' until April 15th, 2011.
Bad Headline Number 73
Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence
Future News: DFS Sale Still On (published 2056)
EARTH - DFS, furniture store, still has sale from 1990. However, DFS exposed as Gfagotn plot to overthrow United Federation of Planets. War is now started.
Matchstick Mugger Urgently Sought
Milton Keynes Police want to catch a man who has robbed at least 4 people over the Christmas period. He threatens them with a lighted match and police would like to catch him before he strikes again!
Fire Damages Belgian Beer Abbey
EIF News & Features staff in panic buying spree...
Princess Anne Tweet
At Camilla's age, an unexpected poke is a good thing.
US Cables cite Canadian insecurity
Canada delighted to be noticed.
Delta-Grinch says about 500 Christmas Day flights will be canceled as storm heads east.
Millions of kids will hear 'Grandma is still at the airport' as Delta-Grinch says about 500 Christmas Day flights will be canceled as storm heads east. "Starbucks scones for Christmas dinner."
Scientists claim three times as many stars as originally believed
Reality television blamed.
Snowfall will not harm UK economy
Bank of England says: "A corpse can't catch a cold, can it?"
Royal Family capitalizes on snow fall
Duchess of York relocated to grace and favour igloo.
Wikileaks Report: Sarah Palin Can See Russia And Guess Who Else From Her Front Porch?
Sarah Palin reportedly told Sean Hannity that she can see Wikileaks' Julian Assange from her front porch in Wasilla, Alaska.
Hugh Hefner Spends a Fortune on Telephone Calls...
... voting for 23-year-old playmate, Kayla, in I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!
Bright side to FIFA balls up
One less visit from Posh.
New government plan to clear roads
Princess Anne to glare at snow.
Blue Red Tops
UK tabloids saddened and frustrated by persistent Wills/Kate happiness.
174 Eclipse Viewers Killed By Robert Pattison / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
174 Eclipse viewers were killed by the DVD commentary by Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.
"We believe they died of abject boredom," said the medical examiner.
The World's Most Wanted Man!
Forget Osama bin Laden... nobody has yet found him. Julian Assange is now the world's most wanted man - and that is not according to Wikileaks.
A New Book Comes out Today
A possible best-selling book is to be published today: it is called "The Art of Masturbation" by a Mexican author --Juan King
Tiger Woods Dating Kate Gosselin
Tiger Woods is reportedly dating baby-factory and asian-fetishist Kate Gosselin. "Think of how ugly those kids would be!" say friends.
West Loathian fears over seismic event unfounded
Neighbours aid Susan Boyle after fall on icy pavement.
Game changer?
Prince Charles' secret delight Wills couldn't win World Cup for UK.
2 for 2
Santa Claus dumps UK from itinerary after World Cup loss.
International Relations Shattered by Revelations
US insults leave G20 now somewhere between G9 and G12.
Gordon Brown to Deliver Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message
Record high ratings anticipated for Queen.
Princess Anne Tweet
I could've charmed us 2018. Don't send a boy to do a man's work, eh?
UK's Top Ten Winter Driving Tips Delayed
due to road closures.
Petty is the new diplomacy
WikiLeaks resentment so poisons international relations No. 10 won't congratulate Russia over World Cup hosting win.
174 Eclipse Viewers Killed By Robert Pattison / Kristen Stewart DVD Commentary.
174 Eclipse viewers were killed by the DVD commentary by Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart.
"We believe they died of abject boredom," said the medical examiner.
Britain's Most Hated Christmas Song Is...
"I'm dreaming of a White Christmas" by Bing Crosby -- looks like his dreams have come true!
Bad Headline Number 72
Dog Owner Ordered To Pay $1,000 To Bite Victim
Jenn Sterger's Amazing Christmas Card From Brett Favre
Jenn Sterger says that she received a Christmas card from Brett Favre that was addressed simply: To The Bitch.
The low pressure super system that stole Christmas
Snowed in, Britain forced to cancel holidays.
Ultimate WikiLeaks Shock
Secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken to be released soon.
Palin pleads confusion as shots ricochet off neighbours' homes
"I was house huntin'! That's still legal in this country, ain't it?"
Bathroom Burglar Caught
The police in Huddersfield caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh. He was both heavy-handed and light fingered.
Princess Anne Tweet
Those wankers tried to roll my Rolls I'd tell 'em wat r u gawpin' at I'll fookin' bang yer owt.
Attendance Meltdown
Punters don't know what to make of Madame Tussaud's following thermostat malfunction.
Hosepipe Ban Forecast
The UK weather Centre in London has forecast a hosepipe ban for Christmas day. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
Black Mamba Spotted Emerging from Linford's Lunchbox
A Black Mamba frightened many of the celebrities in the jungle today. It was thought that it had come from Linford Christie's lunchbox which he left behind when left the program. Nobody was hurt.
Thatcher abandons Cameron
"Not nearly unkind enough."
Sour Note
Royal Variety organizers declined Cameron and Clegg offer to sing duet at December 10th event.
Princess Anne Tweet
Just back from stables. Gave horses Sainsbury's hays-of-the-world advent calendar.
Bad Headline Number 75
Baby Born With Moustache. Mother Tickled To Death.
Pretty Isn't Everything
Young Miliband dogged by rumours that party coup is in the offing.
Cameron invokes daylight savings time early in bid to pre-empt more student riots
Believes they won't get out of bed if it's day time.
WikiLeaks gets personal
Hillary Clinton beauty secrets to be revealed tomorrow.
Nearly One In Five To Reach 100
Calm down... nearly 1 in 5. That's more than 4 in 5 won't. You and I know who will, don't we?
Say Bro, Can You Pass Me The Watermelon Please?
The Order of National Food Ingredients has just announced that contrary to widely held beliefs, watermelons do not contain any water whatsoever.
Cat Fight Brewing?
SuBo's Pebbles rumoured to have signed recording contract.
The Reason Italy Has Banned 'Facebook'
Italy has banned Facebook. Apparently it has something or other to do with the Witness Protection Program.
The International Food Federation's Amazing Sardine Mandate
The International Food Federation is discouraging people in Denmark, Norway, and Sweden from eating sardines that blink on and off, smell like a thermometer, and cackle like an egg-laying hen.
Fun Spoilt
Cameron/Clegg 'Baby It's Cold Outside' duet at Royal Variety Performance cancelled due to student riots.
Brazilian Taxi Driver Shot Outside Club
A Brazilian taxi driver was shot Christmas morning outside of a club in Sao Paolo, Brasil.
"Bad news, he was killed," says police. "Good news is he doesn't have to live in Brasil anymore."
Princess Anne Tweet
V. excited to realise Susan Boyle is a dead wringer for the Crown-Princess of Ostrieflander-Abel-Berlich, one of my favourite 17th century German relations!
WikiLeaks! WikiLeaks! WikiLeaks!
Climate Change, Gold Price "feel like Jan Brady"
"And just what the hell were you thinking?"
Having demonstrated promise during speeches, Prince Andrew engaged to act as substitute host of Jeremy Kyle show.
Airline Pilots Sign A Very Unique Pat Down Agreement
Airline pilots have agreed that in lieu of getting patted down by TSA agents they will instead just simply pat down each other.
LeAnn Rimes Absolutely Hates The Name of Her Upcoming Christmas Music TV Special
LeAnn Rimes says that she would appreciate it if ABC would change the name of her upcoming Christmas Music Special which is titled, The LeAnn Rimes' Merry 'Husband-Stealing' Christmas Special.
Attention Span Deficits Hit UK News Cycle
Fifa is the new WikiLeaks
Princess Anne Tweet
You don't follow do you? Andrew and I don't give a toss what you think.
The Incredible Trait Found In Female Russian Spies
Why is it that in all of the years of capturing female Russian spies, the United States has never once captured an ugly one?
Prince Andrew reinvigorates despairing Guardian reporters
Royal criticism gives tired, weedy staff a new reason to live.
Judge Judy's Racial Remark Gets Her Reprimanded
Television's Judge Judy has been reprimanded for referring to a black defendant as an Uncle Tom. Judge Judy stated, "But the man is named Tom and I'm sure that he's some one's uncle."
Secret message From Rihanna to Drake Revealed.
Drake:
It's 8.30662386.
Rihanna.
The Sexiest Nude Stamps In America
The United States Post Office has stated that in order to stimulate stamp sales it will be issuing stamps showing a nude Megan Fox.
Personal Snippet
This is a snippet. Enjoy! Add your own words and make it a truly Personal Snippet.
Susan Boyle, Alias SuBo, To Change Her Name
Susan Boyle has told the BBC that she plans on changing her last name from Boyle to the not-so-bad sounding Boil.
WikiLeaks moving to Twitter
Revelations now expected to conclude sometime in 2314.
Tiger Woods Is Contemplating Retiring
Tiger Woods has become so disgusted with his golf game that he is thinking about retiring. He remarked he plans on becoming a professional wrestler so he can get his self-pride and self-respect back.
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