Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 31 August 2010
Really Detailed
According to the thorough census, 2010, some had to fill out, most air guitarists sleep with blow-up dolls!
The Chinese Vote Nazi
China stated that if it could vote for US candidates, they would vote for republicans. President Obama replies: You can't even vote in your own country, so shut up! (More Lead For You!!!)
Night Before Pill!
The Food & Drug Administration has approved the Night Before pill, just in case. Two hours before might work if you can hold him off!
I Did A Dumb Thing, I Think
Actress Lindsay Lohan on talk show admits that she is not as smart as she used to be. Blames the constant discovery of new info.
Pluto Planning Revenge
Pluto still down in the dumps. Wants to know who voted it out of the solar system!
Uh Oh!
President Obama: Fewer hurricanes hitting the US shows that my commanding them back out to sea is working.
Can UN Hold The Line?
Afghanistan upgraded to a category 2 all-out civil war! Iraq still a category 1.
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Obama girls say it's Bush's fault that First Dog Bo peed on the rug in the Lincoln bedroom.
China Recall #453
China recalls Chinese checkers, say lead in product could cause you to loose your marbles.
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Obama blames Bush Administration for his inability to tell the truth in speech to nation about end of Iraq war (where we still have 50,000 active troops).
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Harry Reid says that the Bush Administration responsible for late furniture delivery of his new living room set.
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Pelosi says "Tropical Storm Earl is the fault of the failed Bush policies."
Republicans Wonder When Democrats Will Finally Take Responsibility For Own Actions
Obama blames poop stains in his tighty whiteys on prior Bush administration.
Most Still Disagree
Although much more natural and entertaining, breast milk no better than formula maintains scientits....scientists!
"I'll Fix Her Wagon!"
Man sits in wheelie bin with food for cats trying to lure in cat woman. He's arrested too.
Limbaugh The Conservationist!
Rush Limbaugh says that he is a conservationist. "We run our home in Florida on wind energy and we don't even own a windmill!"
Need Wind Energy
New poll shows that 75% of Americans would like windmill energy with big windmills place beside the 25% houses!
Fire In The Hole!!
Golfer in Irvine, California sparks a 12-acre fire while hacking out of dry rough!
No Gas Needed?
Nissan starts selling all-electric Leaf sedan today. Long list of purchasers. Hope to drop price if millions ready to order!
US Gov. Takes More Every Day!
Poll: Obama's health care law growing even less popular than it already was. Why should people with little money be forced to pay insurance?
Social Security Broke But Washington Gets Millions
The next few years there will be even more shouts of "Yes We Can"..can get everyone of those suckers out of the White House and congress!
Y=They Couldn't Afford It
The rich in Congress got even richer in 2009, despite the struggles of the U.S. economy. Congress gets millions in retirement, social security poor got zilch in annual raise.
Congress Rich, You're Not
The rich in Congress got even richer in 2009, despite the struggles of the U.S. economy. While the rest of us got handouts.
Earl May Rake, Wreak Coast
Hurricane Earl threatens Labor Day beaches on the east coast. "Who's bright idea was it to name that thing Earl?" ask many. "We all got our 'Earls' and all of them trouble."
Customers Get All Excited!
Spain breaks up male-prostitute trafficking gang that made most of their money from men after watching bullfights!
Oh, Then That's Different
Proposed pot farm on countryside angers residents until they're given free 'grazing' rights.
Corruption probe ruffles relations !
Corruption probe ruffles US-Afghan relations. "But that is how we do things here for 2,000 years!"
Pre-Peace Talk Action
Palestinian kills 4 Israelis on eve of peace talks. Israel says they will respond.
See, It's Love This Time!
$250 Million Power Ball winner says that the money won't change him one bit. Sexy new girlfriend states "You had me at $1 Million".
Robot Restaurant Still Open
New restaurant in China that serves food that is made by robots & opened last year want to visit Gulf Coast. Say they think they have some great ideas for oily fish!
Gaddafi blackmails Europe and threatens to turn in "Black"
Col.Gadaffi, loony Libyan dictator threatened to let Europe turn "Black" if it doesn't put $500 bilion on his Swiss account. He promised Africans he will part the waves and they believe him!
Missing The Swine Flu
Former victims of Swine Flu wax nostalgic. "I was treated SO special for a whole month, waited on hand and foot...and it only lasted three days."
Cuba Opening Up?
Fidel Castro says Cuba might open up more if US would include them in the "Clunker for Cash" deal.
Another Draw?
Obama: End of Iraq combat mission not victory lap, especially since we didn't win.
Message From "Society Of Professional Idiots"
Previously unknown group claim they are responsible for Lindsay Lohan's actions.
"One More Time!!"
Most popular phrase heard during China's recent big road jam? "1500 cars in a jam, 1500 cars in a jam, turn one around, what have you found, 1499 cars in a jam!"
Poll: Obama Rated Worse than Bush on Hurricane Response
WASHINGTON, DC - A new Gallup poll out yesterday gave a thumbs-down to President Obama's handling of Hurricane Earl.
Iraq want George Bush as their new President!
The Iraq population (the insane one's, in other words the majority) have chosen George Bush as their new President. Sadly he can't make it, he's too busy sweeping floors at the local "loony bin"!
British-French Aircraft Carriers
EU MILITARY: Britain, France preparing to share aircraft carriers. French get permission to leave carrier first if attacked.
Fake GW Costing The Country Dearly?
A high-level inquiry into the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change found there was "little evidence" for its claims about global warming. You cannot go by info of a couple of decades!
Homelessness Up 50% In NYC
Homelessness Up 50% In New York City due to bad economy, bed bugs!
Troops Not Showing Loyalty
Obama's progress among active-duty service members has been slow. A Military Times poll this year found that a majority disapproved of his leadership as their commander.
Local man mistakes Android for Andrex...
..wipes own arse with smartphone.
It'll Be Here Soon!
'Two more weeks' to load fuel in Iran's nuclear plant. Thought that was two weeks ago!
Washington's Dirty Tricks!
Education secretary urged staff: go to Sharpton rally in DC!
Kerry Richest Lawmaker
John Kerry tops wealthiest lawmakers at $188.6 million. Swift Boaters say it's higher than that!
Auto Sales Down
US Auto Sales May Hit 28-Year Low as Discounts Flop. Economy a wreck!
America Slipping Fast!
India, Russia, China output higher than the US. Also, Germany, others have lower unemployment.
Earl Gaining Strength!
Hurricane Earl could be first cat 5 in Atlantic since '07. Earl being chased by weather teams who say he's all over the road!
100 Live Reptiles!
Malaysia uncovers nearly 100 live reptiles in bag. Claims Guinness record for most politicians ever in a big bag!
Kansas Casino Returns Good
In first 8 months, returns good for Kansas casino, bankruptcy lawyers!
Battle Over Battlefield!
Casino proposed near battlefield splits Gettysburg into two warring halves!
Lohan Spills Her Guts
Lohan talks trial, talent, drug use, bed bugs, nuclear arms in Iran, bank bailouts and new Black Hole theory in Vanity Fair!
More C-Sections
Scientists expect C-section rate to keep rising. Looking into beaming baby out of womb, Star Trek Style!
Banks Keeping Their Money!
Banks post $21.6 billion profit in 2nd quarter. Paying customers only .005% savings really paying off!
Hedging Their Bets
Some states suing feds also claim health subsidies!
An Original Plan!
Abbas seeks active US mediation in Mideast talks. This has never been tried before!
We're Under Attack
US grapples with bedbugs, may have to call our whole army home to combat here.
Bed Intruder!
Bed Intruder' songster turning fame into a future. No, this doesn't concern bedbugs.
Consumer Confidence Up A Hair-Bit!
Consumer Confidence inches up in August...well, millimeters up anyway!
President Honors Troops
Obama to honor troops as Iraq combat mission ends and they enter Afghanistan!
Wirchcraft In Africa #2
Belief in witchcraft widespread in Africa but rejected by Zombies in Haiti.
Witchcraft In Africa
Belief in witchcraft widespread in Africa...everywhere else.
"I'll Offer You Half!"
Home prices jump 5% in 17 cities in June! However, still few buyers.
Earl Is a Pearl!
Earl threatens US Coast after bitch-slapping Caribbean!
Ancient Elinglish Fields
Parched English fields reveal ancient sites. "It shows us that 2,000 years ago, these fields were also parched", reports authority 'in the field'.
Just Some Innocent Harrassing
WikiLeaks founder questioned by Swedish police as Norway, Finland await their turn.
Sept 11th Coming Up!
US investigates potential terrorist test run after airport arrests.
Natural, Unnatural Bedbugs
US grapples with bedbugs, misuse of pesticides. Search for insects reveals CIA, FBI bugs for last and present Gov. Administrations.
Murkowski Through?
Is Alaska's Murkowski Finished? He's been locked in the bathroom for 45 minutes!
Mexico Captures Drug Lord
Mexico captures reported drug lord 'the Barbie'. Now looking for "The Ken" of "The Barbie".
Chicago Crime #2
Behind Chicago's high-crime summer: persistent street gang violence, especially the "Out-Of-Work Actuary Angels".
Chicago Crime High The Summer
Behind Chicago's high-crime summer: persistent street gang violence, especially "The Out-Of-Work CPA Cutthroats"
Barbie To Be Grilled
Mexico captures reported drug lord 'the Barbie' "We've caught the little shrimp. Now we'll grill him!"
Altered Fish #5
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide to take a gamble on "carp-sharks".
Altered Fish #4
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide. Customer's ordering lower priced if they all begin tasting alike.
Altered Fish OK? #3
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide. Of course, some already altered by spilled oil.
Altered Fish #2
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide. Some say that their sea bass tastes like corn.
Altered Fish Ok?
Is genetically altered fish OK? U.S. to decide as many say that catfish beginning to taste like chicken.
Hair Insured For $1Million!
Football star Troy Polamalu's hair insured for $1 million. Staying away from ticket scalpers!
The Beck Crowd!
Glenn Beck rally sparks debate over crowd size. FOX claims one million, CNN says that Beck was all alone.
Bedbugs Out Of Control?
US grapples with bedbugs, misuse of pesticides has made them into super bugs!
Earl In A Twirl
Hurricane Earl threatens US Coast after hitting Caribbean, sucking up all the rum in Jamaica!
Time To Get Shot
Time to get your flu shot, but just one this year. Take your choice which flu you're trying to avoid. See Vegas odd-makers!
Dirty Politics As Usual, Nothing's Changed
Obama staff members admit they sent people to attend Al Sharpton Rally in Washington, to increase numbers.
Left Us In A Mess!
Iraqi Citizens Angry After U.S. Combat Troop Withdrawal! Blame President Obama for not completing the job.
Pakistan Falling Apart
Petraeus: Afghan concern about Pakistan is legit. It could be falling apart and it's nuclear weapons fall into the hands of radicals. "But let's pretend that will never happen."
Might Be Aiming For The Northeast US!
Earl, the first redneck hurricane threatens US Coast after hitting Caribbean.
Balls slams soapy brothers
Ed Balls says he has mixed feelings about his name in the headlines
The Williams Sisters, Venus and Serena Are Gonna Be Fit To Be Tied
The Williams sisters Venus and Serena are both getting so fat that tennis officials are considering asking them to please dress in raincoats.
"Hey Hon, Do The Chopsticks Taste A Little Funny To You?"
China denies rumors that chopsticks manufactured in China contain lead. A representative for the Chinese government said that there is no lead in the chopsticks...a little mercury yes, but no lead.
The Amish People Are Tremendously Upset With One Particular Teen
Police were recently called to an Amish community in Altoona, Pennsylvania. It seems one of the Amish youths had gone berserk and was saying things like fa shizzle ma nizzle, bling bling, and yo ho.
Delaware Has No More Homeless People And The Interesting Way They Accomplished That Little Feat
The state of Delaware is proud to say that they no longer have any homeless people hanging around on street corners. The state gathered them all up and shipped them by U-Haul trailer to New Jersey.
William Penn Was One Hellacious Quaker Oats Eating Dude
Everyone knows that William Penn invented Quaker Oats Cereal, but hardly anyone knows that he also invented the penncil, which was later misspelled pencil.
Time to face the music
Recipient of world's first face transplant finally snaps after six years, rips face off surgeon responsible for the bloated, droopy visage.
He's a real doll
US-born drug kingpin Edgar Valdez Villarreal, alias "the Barbie," will likely resemble his anatomically incorrect plastic namesake once Mexican authorities finish with him.
Satan's spawn
Pacific Salmon Commission expects a whopping 25 million sockeye salmon will return to Canada's West coast -- the worst since a 1913 run in which 13 salmon counters succumbed to mental exhaustion.
Screaming Dean Mouths-Off Again
Howard Dean calls Glenn Beck a "racist, hate monger." This statement comes from a man that shot himself in the foot, screaming his way out of being the Democratic Party's presidential candidate!
Points Of View
Imam blames politics for mosque dispute. 320 million Americans blame Islamic terrorists for causing September 11, 2001. President Obama blames "man-caused disasters" for causing September 11, 2001.
Obama Adds Recipients to Social Security
Individuals who register with the federal government as "Looney Tunes" will be able to collect SS benefits at age 60. This group includes rabid environmentalists, animal rights activists and vegans!
Next Hurricane Named Barack
Press Secretary Gibbs said NOAA names the next hurricane Barack. The storm spins to the left (CCW), has high winds, lots of hot air, not knowing where it is going & screws up everything in its path.
Obama's Apology Complex Explained
President Obama's high school yearbook nicknames him "the apologizer." Each time bullies pushed his face into tomato soup, beef stew or he got a pie thrown in his face he would apologize!
Obama Does it Again to the USA
A US DoS report to the UN references Arizona's illegal immigrant law as a human rights violation. Do other countries, beheadings, stonings & treating women as slaves pass UN human rights muster?
President Obama's Political Rhetoric
Obama wants Senate action on a small business bill. Aside from the pork Democrats have added to the bill, didn't the president see the Senate is not in session when he made his recess appointments?
Car Window Stickers to Contain New Information
EPA/DOT proposal for 2012 vehicle sticker data requires posting fuel efficiency, emissions, energy costs & energy consumption. Bureaucrats march on, no worries about the economy, 9.5% unemployment!
EPA Files to become a Church
EPA files a 501 C(3) form to become a Church, as environmentalism has become a religion among rabid environmentalists. EPA would now be non-profit, needing to fund raise vice getting taxpayer money!
Where You can Put the Lead
EPA tells anti-gun and anti-hunting groups the agency has no jurisdiction to ban lead in ammunition. National Rifle Association then tells these loony groups where they can put the lead!
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