Spoof news snippets from Friday 27 August 2010
One Sorry Lad!
Levi: Wish I Didn't Say Sorry to Sarah Palin. Most think that he was already "Sorry".
Carter, Freed American Arrive In US
Carter, freed American return to U.S. Asked why he couldn't do that in Iran many years ago.
But Drew His Check
Worker at taxpayer-funded agency in Virginia plays hooky for 12 years. Everyone else out so much that no one noticed.
Lead investigator in Mexico massacre is missing. Also, guy who reported the lead investigator is missing is missing.
One Legged Army Hero Denied Parking Permit
Army hero who lost a leg in Afghanistan denied a disabled parking permit by council bosses 'because he might get better'. "They expect me to grow another one?"
Hurricane Of Bad Financial News
A 'Hurricane is about to hit the balls,' warns Ed Economy!
A Blunt Statement
Tory prisons minister Crispin Blunt stuns MPs by revealing he's gay as Tweety Bird as he splits from wife of 20 years.
Scientists Discover Pea-Sized Frog in Borneo that causes teeny tiny warts.
They're Probably Right
EPA to ban lead bullets for being so toxic they could kill you. Gun owners to sign that bullets are cleaned when gun was cleaned.
If That's What They Want
A pensioner has been banned from going topless in his own home after claims he is embarrassing his neighbours. Now reportedly going bottomless!
Here It Come (BLAP!) %6$$##45$%!!!
Sportscaster smacked in head by soccer ball. Lets loose profanities. Fired right after game.
Grow Some Whoppers!
Annual tomato throwing festival begins Labor Day and ends the weekend before our November elections.
Lambs on the lam: Sheep get loose in I-80 in New Jersey. Leaves owner looking sheepish.
Puts On Quite A Show
Chinese man born with no hands or feet, wins drum competition using his huge penis.
Osama US Agent
Fidel Castro: Osama bin Laden is a US agent. "He will simply move to wherever the US wants to invade next!"
No Aliens Required
FBI, CIA agree that crop circles are natural occurrences, probably someone lost and walking around in circles.
Crook Gone Straight
Formerly accused money launderer given a clean bill of health after cleaning up his act and moving out of the Shit Creek Condos.
Man Replaces Can in "Kick the Can" Game with Bucket, Dies
A Candem County man thought he was being clever. But instead, this seemingly funny replacement turned deadly.
FDA Finds E. Coli in EPA
WASHINGTON DC - After the EPA agreed to consider banning lead bullets, the FDA found evidence of E. coli present in the mountain of SH*T that the EPA spews.
US Chamber of Commerce Revises GDP Downward
The Gross Domestic Product (GDP) was revised downward from Ben and Gerry's Lily-Liver Ice Cream to Johnson's Genital Wart Balm.
Lead Bullets Banned?
EPA considers banning lead bullets. NRA says they will deliver their bullets personally, one at a time, if they're trying to hit them.
EPA Wants To Get The Lead Out
EPA considers banning lead bullets. NRA excited about what other type bullets they can use!
A British woman condemned around the world for dumping a stranger's cat in a wheelie bin has finally apologised to family, asked to apologize to cat also.
An automated message falsely warns the 275 passengers of British Airways to brace themselves because the plane was about to crash into the sea. Pilot issues apology. Too late to stop bowel movements.
Glenn Beck Claims He Isn't Racist
Glenn Beck believes everything should be about him. "I'm not a racist, I am just going to give a better speech than that other guy. I will not go down in history as an insensitive bigot," he said.
Hiltler gains popularity in Australian Catholic schools!
A fancy dress show in an Australian Catholic school has proven that Hitler uniforms are gaining in popularity. It won the contest before a "pure white audience" hands down and right arm up!
Boyle makes Mistake
Susan Boyle brings her act to Japan before returning home for Pope's visit. Mistakes Sumo wrestler for her long lost brother, "Fats" Boyle.
TV Fees & Taxes Coming?
Broadcasters' financial mess could spell trouble for free TV. You'll either have to pay for watching any TV or dump it. Many say they will dump it!
Something Wrong Here
Obama Administration halts prosecution of alleged USS Cole bomber as he only killed seventeen US Sailors.
Fed Taking More Action?
Bernanke: Fed will take action if economy falters. Most hoping that it's not the same action that just failed.
"Just Another Day In Paradise"
First family goes on island vacation bike outing while listening to "Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Dead".
Bikini-clad strippers protest church in rural Ohio. "We know you George Piper. No use covering your face!"
Long Speeches At Emmys
Watch: What is the Emmy statue named after? Probably after 1AM!
Throwing Money At Problems!
Economic growth slows to 1.6 pct. in the spring. So feeding more money in hasn't helped. What do you bet they won't try it again.
US Birth Rate Low
Recession may have pushed U.S. birth rate to new low as most families cannot afford inflation of Mom's belly.
India's Commonwealth Games!
India's Commonwealth Games Mess: Delays and Dengue Fever! Pakistani in flood region says he feels so sorry for them that he could just crap!
That's What We Figured
China silent on reported visit by North Korea's Kim. Although when asked, China's UN ambassador crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth.
Kenya's New Constitution
Kenya gets new American-style constitution! Makimbo Limbaugh hits the airways!
Economy Derailment Ahead?
Economy steams ahead but derailment looms with tax bites nipping at our asses!
Sign Of Weakness
Michael Scheuer, former top CIA official charged with hunting down bin Laden, says a ground zero mosque will be a "symbol of victory" to Islamic extremists. They know they have the US on the run.
Palin Still Not Relevant
Fox News loves Sarah Palin because she really doesn't make any points about politics, and usually doesn't seem to care about the real people struggling to make an honest living in the United States.
Bernanke to Tell America His Portfolio Is Growing
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is set to admit that his portfolio is doing well and can't figure out why everyone is mad at him for not doing enough to help the US economy.
Cat cruelty rules
Cat cruelty such as throwing random felines into wheelie bins is 'acceptable and reasonable' according to a recent survey in Dogs UK magazine.
Kid Cuts Loose Profanities
Swearing kid seen in video; neighbor arrested for teaching bad words!
Man With Snake
Report of man with snake slows Boston train line. Turns out to be well-hung drunk taking a whiz!
Kindergartens See Mor Hispanics, Asian Students
Kindergartens see more Hispanic, Asian students..especially in Mexico, China.
Just Could Be It!
FDA finds evidence of salmonella in chicken feed. Say that may be the answer to egg salmonella.
Special Price: 19.95 Renminbi!
A number of the world's biggest banks have launched international roadshows promoting the use of the renminbi to corporate customers instead of the dollar for trade deals with China.
Soup Nazi Hired By Salvation Army
Thousands line up before dawn for mortgage help in Palm Beach County. Are soup lines next?
Come Look At These!
Alternative tours draw travelers to Mexico...at gunpoint!
Signs Of The Times
Britain being "overrun" by street signs. "You can't read the signs because they overlap", states local.
Clemens Arraigned Today
Clemens arraignment set for Monday. Security will first search him for beanballs!
Never Seen Without Helmets
UNC probing possible academic violations as two offensive linemen were paid retired NFL players.
Chinese Toe Tapper!
Chinese man with no arms plays piano with toes. His favorite, "This Little Piggy Went To Market Rhapsody".
Plays Piano With Toes
Chinese man with no arms plays piano with toes. Many say it's the best toe-snapping, finger-tapping music they ever heard!
Worse Than Eggs
Frozen fruit bars recalled after typhoid outbreak. Also, chocolate bars could cause bubonic plague.
Docters Land 56-Pounder
Doctors look for orange-size lump, find 56-pounder in woman's Uterus. Have photos taken as this is like landing a giant marlin to these people!
Microbes Eating Oil Having A Feast
New microbe discovered eating oil spill in Gulf, fat as little pigs!
May Be Called "Kennedy"
Experts: Exoplanet could be smallest ever found. Only the size of the late Ted Kennedy's head.
Yep, They Went Down Too Far!
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia as all report seeing SpongeBob and the whole gang.
Really Educational For Kids
Political ads surpass 2006 levels as attacks mount as all 50 states hear opponents call each other "Snot"!
Not Working Yet!
SPIN METER: What Biden didn't mention on stimulus as unemployment actually jumped.
Obama's Gain Average Of Ten Pounds Each
On Martha's Vineyard, Obamas savor local produce. "Not like that oily crap in Pensacola", says Michelle.
Rod Blagojevich headed for retrial without brother..that should be, brother.
Strippers Protest Church
Bikini-clad strippers protest church in rural Ohio, now get preacher's message over outside speaker.
Kenyans Could Help Advise Obama
Kenya gets new American-style constitution or the one's Americans had a few years ago.
Kenya's American-Style Constitution
Kenya gets new American-style constitution. Immediately three trillion dollars in debt.
Baby Tigers Are Doing Fine
Baby tiger found stuffed in bag at Thai airport doing fine. So is the baby tiger stuffed into wheelie bin yesterday.
Glad To Help You Escape.
NKorea releases American imprisoned since January to Jimmy Carter, who keeps calling the prisoner, John McCain.
Frozen fruit bars recalled after typhoid outbreak. Also recalled, "Fanny's Buns" after they cause outbreak of drooling.
Maybe They Went Too Deep
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia. Wobbly deep-sea divers say they saw 100-foot inchworm, Ahab stuck to a whale, Lightning storm!
Better Stock Up!
Snapshot of economy about to get a lot bleaker as Midwest sends out pics of another dust bowl!
NY Guv Faces New Charges
NY gov could face charge over World Series tickets. Used influence to grab the best to give to political buddies, hookers!
My Opponent Eats Children!
Political ads surpass 2006 levels as attacks mount. Most common word heard yet, "Cannibalism!"
Ads Worse Yet
Political ads surpass 2006 levels as attacks mount. Shouts of "You Lie!" heard at all rallies.
Both Still There
NKorea releases American imprisoned since January. A confused Jimmy Carter takes him to the Taleban.
"Jimmy Crack Wheat & I Don't care"
Scientists: We've cracked wheat's genetic code. This is good news for all cracked wheat lovers!
May Change Mind
Vatican: Church defends rights of Gypsies. So many switch direction to Vatican City.
New Orleans Still Needing Help!
New Orleans' Lower Ninth: Still Recovering from Katrina, FEMA aid!
Political Ads Firing Up!
Political ads surpass 2006 levels as attacks mount . It seems to be "Nazis Versus Communists".
Political Ads Rough
Political ads surpass 2006 levels as attacks mount. Authorities say mud in short supply.
Miner's Face Ordeal
Trapped Chilean Miners Face a Tough Psychological Ordeal! Yanna music being piped in not appreciated, they say.
Glen Beck Rally Tomorrow!
Glenn Beck's 8/28 rally: An instant guide to where to hide...until it's over.
Still Another Food Recall
Frozen fruit bars recalled after typhoid outbreak! Many beginning to wonder if someone's messing with out foods.
Fruit Bars Recalled After Typhoid Outbreak
Frozen fruit bars recalled after typhoid outbreak. What next, the Black Plague!
"Let Them Drink Shit!"
Rare coffee made from small animals droppings becoming very rare!
Hollywood Anxious About Economy
Snapshot of economy about to get a lot bleaker. Hollywood: We must do something for the people or they won't have enough money for movies.
"Let Them Eat Crabs!"
Snapshot of economy about to get a lot bleaker. Obama family in no hurry to return to Washington from vacation and eating lobster.
Obamas now on 42nd Vacation Day
Snapshot of economy about to get a lot bleaker. However, economists say that there's still plenty of lobster for that constantly vacationing Obama family!
Colorful Sea Life Way Down
Deep-sea images reveal colorful life off Indonesia. "That far down and you see all kinds of things", says diver. "I saw Mom!"
Same Place As King Speech
Glenn Beck's 8/28 rally: An instant guide online, plus where Beck stores free Beck's beer.
Still Far Out In Atlantic
Hurricane Danielle becomes Category 4 storm, just a-blowing and a-going!
Hope Waters Don't Trigger Launch
Pakistan warns flood, nuclear weapons recovery could take years!
UN: 1 million more displaced by Pakistan floods. Nuclear weapons under 20 feet of water. What happens now?
NKorea releases American imprisoned since January to former President Carter. "Now you can work your debt off in harvesting peanuts."
Ground Zero Mosque Huge
Ground Zero Mosque Developer: Could Accommodate 1,000 Worshippers, 100 terrorists!
FOOTBALL: Portsmouth FC 's naval fans unhappy with their form
'Boo Boo Sailors' are back in football grounds.
Taliban Attack The Weak
Pakistani Taliban hint at attacks on aid workers, females in schools in Pakistan, placing cats in wheeling bins.
Obama Apparently Only Concerned With Shrimp
Obama Deflects Iraq Question: 'We're Buying Shrimp, Guys. Come On'. When are you going to act like a president? 'Buying shrimp!'
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