Order by:
Rating:

Congress and the Feds target Roger Clemmons in steroid probe.

Thank God the USAs economic, border, national security, unemployment, crime, tax & infrastructure issues are solved. Now Congress can focus on something more important like prosecuting Roger Clemmons.

written by SirBeavis, 21 August 2010
Rating:

More Tha 15 Minutes Over Shoe

Nike has admitted to hiring Iraqi who through soe at President for Super Bowl commercial.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Art Treasure Located

Egyptian police recover stolen Van Gogh painting! "Man & Woman With Penis". Police think thief added woman's penis.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Aussie Vote Too Close To Call?

Australian PM says elections too close to call or that was what he sounded like he was saying.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iran Filling Second Reactor

Iran begins fueling second nuclear reactor. Official admit that they skipped #1 but that the headlines would look better.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Show What We Could Do!

Sweden withdraws warrant for WikiLeaks founder. "Just a little warning."

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Sweden drops warrant for Wikileaks founder

In totally unrelated news, the alleged "rape victims" each received a thank you card from American CIA director Leon Panetta. "We truly appreciate your service to our great nation," he wrote...

written by Robin Berger, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Let's Try It Again

Meeting of moderate members of the PLO and Israeli Peace Group ends in shootout.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Mad December Issue (Eat First)

Kirstie Alley to pose nude for centerfold in Mad Magazine.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Moon To Marry Gays?

Rev.(Revolving) Moon states that all gay couples can be in one big ceremony in South Korea next month.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Politics In A Recession

In current economy, $10,000 plate fund raiser are down to only $100. Still few showing up.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Already Apologized To Japanese Americans

The United States offers a limited apology to Japanese. "We may have dropped a bomb or two..."

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Best I Can Do

Nebraska man drinks only six glasses of water a day but tries to hold back on his peeing.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Dump Them In The Ocean!

Undercover Democrats, dressed as Indians, sneak into Tea Party rally!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Number 4 & 9 For Your #2!

Total confusion brings the cops as a breakoff Mormon group into trading wives.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

No More Conquering The World!

This just in: A Smart Bomb has blown The Brain to bits. Pinky is devastated.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

May Be Losing It!

Supporters worried as latest Osama Bin Laden DVD arrives with him beardless and doing rap number he wrote himself.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Nostalgia!

George Bush, Tony Blair have a Whiskey Conference at Crawford, Texas. Drink to old times...then pass out.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

There Were Two?

Woman wakes up after 21-year coma still can't get her Presidents Bush straight.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Bill The Cat Grounded

Hillary gets clean Bill of health. "He's afraid to do anything after his heart operation. Should have bribed a doctor years ago!"

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Bills Locked Up!

GOP hoping to get enough congressmen & Senators elected to constipate Obama bills for last two years of Presidency!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Streamling Bills

After all the complaints about congress passing large bills not knowing what was in them, Obama orders 2500 page report on how to streamline policies.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

FDA Cracks Down!

With recent recalls, food companies are told that, beginning January first, all rat feces in product must be cut in half.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Springer Ready To Spring

Television host says that he may throw his chair into the ring in this Fall's election.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Obese Airlines Takes Off

Obese Airlines, sporting Spruce Goose size planes, say that all aboard with have plenty of space.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Mars Project Fails

Obama laments money wasted as latest mission to Mars destroyed when craft lands in a big lake. "Could have used that half million for Spain vacation!"

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Saddam Not Changed Mentally

Medium who has contacted Saddam Hussein says that he claims he's the mother of all ghosts.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Migh Be A Burn Victim Involved

Ambulances in the southern US are ordered to have at least one old lady aboard who can draw fire.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Nobody Would Believer Thief

Couple legally change names to John & Jane Doe so that they no longer have to fear anyone trying to steal their identities.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Poop Drop Blamed On Big Pigeons

Kentucky man who wanted to jump out of an airplane on his 90th birthday, shits all over guy who jumps strapped to him.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Nothing To Worry About

Telecommunications interruptions caused by heavy solar flare acticty, Claims Commander Shrittzxszz aboard UFO.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Lockerbie Bomber Sought

Obama calls for Lockerbie bomber to be returned to jail in Scotland. Libya: Just as soon as he dies.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Alarming Rise In Teenagers

Now alarming rise in teenage promiscuity and abortions is linked to women's binge drinking, failing to wear clothing.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Skepitism Over Peace Talks

Skepticism widespread in Mideast over new peace talks. No one can understand why.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

France Still Trying

France expels Gypsies to Romania for third day! All of first days expelled and half of yesterday's are already back.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Israel Reassured

US Assures Israel Nuclear Iran Isn't Imminent. "I'd give it a few more hours yet", say military experts who are still looking for WMD's in Iraq.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

USA Debt Unbelievable!

USA DEBT: $13,310,379,000,000.00! $44,000 PER CITIZEN! Bill Gates tosses his part in. We're next!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

New NRA Booklet?

Congress is crushing young Americans with future debt. Here's how they can fight back.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Prediction Clashes?

Harry the croc picks Labor in Australia snap poll. Paul the Octopus: "Not so fast, chum!"

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

New AA Fees

American Airlines to charge extra for front-row seats, accidental lap dances.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Pop Singer Dies

British pop singer dies in fall at Belgian concert. May have thought parking lot a mosh pit.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Too Much Noise

Moving sale planned at 'Amityville Horror' house. Neighbors ask that it be moved immediately.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Good For Nightmare If Placed Under Pillow

Moving sale planned at 'Amityville Horror' house. Each authentic fly to be sold on eBay!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Tai Chi, You Look Like You're Feeling Better

Tai chi eases fibromyalgia symptoms, study finds. Also mends the heartbreak of psoriasis.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Matches Still Allowed!

Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Most crime scenes show victims made to talk by getting hotfoots.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Less Movie Smoking #2

Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Most comedies show actors lighting farts instead.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Few Smoking Scenes

Study: Smoking scenes on the decline in top movies. Many dramas have people standing around lighting firecrackers instead.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

NKorea On Facebook #2

North Korea reportedly joins Facebook. But so far, only a photograph of Kim's ass...or it could be his face.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

NKorea Joins Facebook

North Korea reportedly joins Facebook! "Hello to all the dying sicko Americans!"

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Shuttle Crew Picks Out Own Music

NASA: Pick shuttle wake-up tunes or write your own. "Theme From Jaws" also ruled against.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Gives Me The Creeps

NASA: Pick shuttle wake-up tunes or write your own. "A Space Oddity" ruled out already.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Several Bumped Heads On Low Ceilings Over Beds

NASA: Pick shuttle wake-up tunes or write your own. So far, none want to wake up with James Brown scream at start of "I Feel Good!"

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Space Weakness

Study: Astronauts as weak as 80-year-olds in space. Could be as weak as 150-year-olds on a Mars mission.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Nature Rebalanced!

NZ rescuers refloat 11 whales stranded on beach and send them out toward Japanese whaling ships.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Some Claims Rejected

New guidelines could rule out many oil claims. Those in Atlanta asking for oil money because of losing passing traffic on the way to Florida beaches disqualified.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Recession Hitting Everyone

Recession hits smart-phone makers in the chops.....chips!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

More To Talk About This Time

Peace this time? Israel, Palestinians to talk. Iranian nuclear bomb could fall short and hit PLO, instead.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Most Likely Culprits

Several inmates stabbed at Maryland prison. Police suspect that it was done by other prisoners.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Democrats Have More Money

Democrats hold financial advantage over GOP as President doing more fund raising than being president.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

No Oklahoma, Texas Votes Coming!

Gov't: 23K workers affected by Gulf oil drill ban, still closed by Obama.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Eggs May Be Key To Chicken Mystery

Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. Say the chickens that laid those eggs already slaughtered and eaten.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Troops Paying The Price

Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "Every single one of us have festering boils all over our ass!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Garbage Patch Grows!

Ocean Garbage Patch Still a Mystery. Now being called "The Garbage Patch Triangle".

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Keep Egging Us On!

Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. Also warn that eggs from China could have small amounts of lead.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Let's Avoid Eggs

Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. Maybe we should all simply quit eating eggs till all this is settled.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

More Egg Recalls

Second Iowa farm recalls eggs in salmonella sweep. CEO's of several companies have egg on their faces.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

First Aussie Woman PM

Australia votes on whether first Sheila PM survives by next week. Says she's not getting any respect.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Aussie PM To Survive?

Australia votes on whether first woman PM survives. Could pull the plug by next weekend.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

They Should Have Known

Prosecutors: WikiLeaks founder suspected of rape. Several others at WikiLeaks, who released military secrets accused of cannibalism!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Mandated Gov. Furloughs

State-mandated furloughs to close many government offices. "Let's keep most government offices closed", say citizens.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

No Hurry!

Lazy Acres hearing pushed back to October. "No hurry, no hurry at all", says owner of Lazy Acres.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Newgrass Festival Back

Newgrass Festival returns! Music lovers and potheads rejoice!

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Shouldn't Have Skipped

Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "We have lice all over us and there was a lightning storm on the ground."

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Obama: Who Listens To Supreme Court?

Obama challenges GOP on campaign finance ruling. "Nope, it's the law of the land, like it or not", respond GOP.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Russian Arms Merchant Could Face Trial

Rasputin, Russian arms merchant could face US courts. I'm sorry, that should have been "reputed".

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Knifefights At Maryland Prison

Several inmates stabbed at Maryland prison as inmates had made knives out of spaghetti dinners.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Lions, Tigers & Bears, Oh My!

Neighbors: Home where bear attacked Ohioan a 'zoo'. "No wonder he was attacked", says neighbor! "there's an elephant up there."

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Chicago Shut-Downs!

Regulators shut down big Chicago bank, 7 others. Mafia threatens to shut down regulators.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Hot For Christmas: Ocean Garbage Patch Dolls!

Ocean Garbage Patch Still a Mystery. Study shows a lot of Pirate activity in the area. Could have disposed of unwanted bounty.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Better Be Careful

Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Peole hear one big "Whoops!" and Tehran disappears.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Troops Punished #3

Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "Power went off and we couldn't find our way around, bumping into thins with knots all over our heads."

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Troops Punished #2

Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. "Every single one of us have hemroids half and inch long!"

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Troops Punished

Troops: Skipping Christian concert got us punished. Plague of frogs crawled all over the barracks.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Haiti Politics

Haiti ruling ends Wyclef Jean's run for president. He will now proceed to run for his life.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

WikiLeaks Founder Charged With Rape?

Prosecutors: WikiLeaks founder suspected of rape. Somehow, we all saw this coming.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iran Goes Nuclear #4

Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Glowing reports already coming from Tehran.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iran Goes Nuclear #3

Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Countdown to double and triple gas prices begins.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iran Goes Nuclear #2

Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. "At least it's not that horrible nucklar reactor", states former president Bush.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iran Going Nuclear

Iran begins fueling first nuclear reactor. Countries all over the Middle Est begin building fallout shelters.

written by Bureau, 21 August 2010
Rating:

A day at the races

Fla. Attorney General candidates Pam Bondi (R), Dan Gelber (D) have leads in respective primaries, but Undecided leads the race, Hanging Chad moves to the inside, and it's Recount in the home stretch.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iran begins fueling first nuclear plant

While it may take two months or more for the nuclear reactor to produce usable electricity, it's already generating enough buzz to raise hair on the back of the international community's neck.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Iowa egg recall narrows

While salmonella bacteria produce hydrogen sulfide gas, which smells like rotten eggs, that's not really salmonella: Those eggs in your refrigerator are just bad. You should throw them out.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 August 2010
Rating:

Officials: Wyclef Jean will not be on Haiti's presidential ballot

Unfortunately, says Haitian-born hip-hop artist, candidacy paperwork he submitted months ago is still lost amidst heaps of rubble.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 21 August 2010
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