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Rating:

Former England manager reveals drink superstition

Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed how he used to drink a "Becks" whenever Beckham scored and a "Sol" whenever Sol Campbell did. The Swede then added, "I'm glad Dave Seaman was in goal."

written by Philip Wright, 18 August 2010
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Mel Gibson scared of shadow

Mel Gibson is the source of many jokes after he was frightened by his own shadow. The actor caught sight of his shadow behind him on a wall and shouted, "S**t! Sorry! I thought that was a black man!"

written by Philip Wright, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Shuttle Delay

This week's NASA launch of shuttle craft delayed as hampsters in wheels were overfed and have a week to get back in shape for the wheels.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Heinz Also Recalled

The Heinz Company has recalled all bottle of their "Heinz End Ketchup" as some rat feces have been found.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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California's Best Recalled

California's Best has recalled all heads of Remains Lettuce. Once wilted, it can cause children to choke.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Zsa Zsa Requests

Zsa Zsa Gabor asks for Last Rites from priest, one more volunteer policeman to slap!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

We Could Be Wrong!

Magnetic mega-star challenges black hole, Don Imus theory!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Muslims Do Not Want Mosque At Ground Zero

Some Muslims question mosque near ground zero. "It will make it harder for us to live in this nation", states one.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Bed Bugs Bugging EPA

Ohio's Bedbug Battle Escalates with EPA Crisis Meeting! May have to move to another state, but not New York!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Obama Still Defending Hamosque!

Obama tries to boost faith in US economic revival. Draw votes from Muslims for stand on Hamosque!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Vitamins Don't Help #3

Study: No Health Benefit From Taking Vitamins. Recommend that we take them out of products like milk.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Vitamins Don't Help#2

Study: No Health Benefit From Taking Vitamins! Discoverer of Vitamin C benefits just happened to live to 95 year's old!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Vitamins Don't Help?

Study: No Health Benefit From Taking Vitamins! Children in Africa who recovered from near blindness to normal by taking Vitamin A was just a freak.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Fooled The New Guy!

President Obama angry after seeing film made of bailed out bankers laughing all the way back to their bank.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Biden Boots It Again

Many at Chelsea Clinton's wedding thought remarks by Joe Biden were improper. "To say cold fusion is certainly possible. Just look at Bill & Hillary Clinton having Chelsea."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Costly Bee Boo Transplants

GOP to point out how much it will cost US for free ferbil transplants for Martians under Universal Health Care.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

SNL May Be Hilarious Again

President Obama says he may hide as his mother-in-law will join cast of Saturday Night Live as a guest telling funny family situations.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

National Diet Working!

President Obama: I just got the stats. We may be poorer than when I took office, but fat people have lost an average of five pounds.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Obama Cigarette Habit

Obama still not smoking but is up to three packs of nicotine chewing gum a day.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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If You Say So!

Head Shriner says that masonic symbol on dollar bill means "We are family, all my brothers and sisters and me!"

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Could Be!

Did global warming kill off the woolly mammoth?, the twenty-foot homing pigeon?

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

More Buying Less!

Soaring cost of food means more of us are buying less, more or less.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Old Lady Not Cute

Bus driver slammed for running over mother duck and her chicks in an 'explosion of feathers'. They wanted me to hit the old lady on the other lane", says driver!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

UK weatherman makes "shite" and wets his pants laughing!

A UK weatherman on BBC's Radio4 had a slip of the tongue by calling the Glastonbury Classics "shite" and that's only the weather. He wet his pants laughing whilst still indoors!

written by Jaggedone, 18 August 2010
Rating:

KFC Lawsuit

Kentucky Fried Lawsuit: Franchise Owners Sue KFC! "We can't make money unless you fatten up the recipe and get customers hooked again!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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QW Takes The Blame

Global Warming now blamed for everything, even bad poker night. "Lost a few bucks, the house, Babe. It's that stupid Global Warming again."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Martha Stewart In Trouble?

Martha Stewart may be in trouble again as she describes how she was treated in prison. "That's inside information", says FBI.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Bush Physical Goes Well

George W. Bush has physical in Dallas. "They say I'm fit as a tack."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Well, You See Hon......(WHAP!!)

Husband hems and haws but cannot come up with an excuse after his wife finds nude photos of Barney Frank in his billfold.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Caddy Sees No Split

Caddy sees no split with Tiger Woods. "He's staying away from the ladies at the present."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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After Seoul Report

An official report will blame a North Korean torpedo for sinking a SKorea ship, but Russia, China and some independent scientists refuse to be convinced.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Curse On US For Turning On Israel?

Bed Bugs Found at Times Square Movie Theater, one in ten places in NYC. Water turning to oil! Economy failing. Biden's jawbone turning into that of an ass.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Obama Shoots Himself In Foot Again

President Obama's Monday evening ride from the Beverly Hilton to Hancock Park caused havoc as roads across the Los Angeles were closed. Tuesday, he wisely chose to helicopter back to the airport.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Obama Slammed

Sick 9/11 responders slam Obama: We're dying and you want a mosque built there?

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Hillary Mum On Subject

Hillary silent on mosque. Is she planning to challenge Obama in 2012?

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Wetwang wules the web.

The bustling metropolis of Wetwang in East Yorkshire is the subject of more news stories than any other city on earth, according to some web blokes at IBM or somewhere.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Just A Theory At Present

Mutilated seals mysteriously washing up on beaches. Some blame the fact that they were mutilated caused them to wash ashore.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Pelosi: Mosque Opponents Should Be Questioned!

Nancy Pelosi says that mosque opponents should be questioned. There's only 200 million. Should have placed it on the census.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Peter Crouch denies requesting prostitute..

'I ordered flan'

written by matthatt, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Brett Favre decides ...Well, You Know The Story!

Brett Favre is back in Minnesota, after saying he would not be back earlier on. But since when did anybody believe Brett Favre, except on the football field.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Shot Heard Around The Sports World!

Famed home run hitter Bobby Thomson dead at 86. Outlives Major League Baseball when it was fun by 20 years.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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China Anti-Tobacco Efforts Not Working

China anti-tobacco efforts failing, officials say. Kentucky, Virginia, North Carolina tobacco growers: They send us lead, we send them tobacco.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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BP: This Isn't So!

Ga. scientists: Gulf oil not gone, 80 pct remains. BP requests Union to burn Atlanta down again.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Target Gains Up Sharply

Target 2Q profit rises 14.3 percent despite boycotting. "It only brought new people in", says CEO.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Obama Insensitive?

GOP calls Obama insensitive over stand on mosque. 2700 would agree, if they had a voice.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Might Have Helped If Started Earlier

Obama engaging in kitchen-table politics in Ohio. Says he has ideas but too busy with vacations, fundraisers to do much the first 2 years.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Experts: But Not Sure!

Home refinancing demand at highest in 15 months. Experts suspect that it may have to do with much lower rates recently.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Egg Recall: Chicken Didn't Wipe Ass!

228M eggs recalled following salmonella outbreak. FDA suspects that they came out of a chicken's ass.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Eggs Recalled, FDA Says, "Cough Them Up!"

228M eggs recalled following salmonella outbreak during political egg fight in several states over Fall races.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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ACT Scores Down

ACT scores dip, but more students college-ready. Now we only need some jobs for them to do once they graduate.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Blagojevich Guilty On Only One Charge, Bad Hair

Jurors were close to convicting Rod Blagojevich but couldn't keep a straight face over the hair.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Diane Abbott shock news

It has been revealed that Labour leader candidate Diane Abbott is white but 'blacks up' to secure ethnic votes.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Should Be Interesting

Dr. Laura plans to end radio show at end of year with one final show with guests, Jeremiah Wright and Rand Paul.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Other Parasites Old Also

Mind-Controlling Parasites Date Back Millions of Years..to the first politicians.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Texas Gunman Attack

Police seeking motive for Texas gunman's attack...other than being a complete idiot.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

US Double-Talk Again

US opposes use of force in South China Sea dispute. "That's why we keep a lot of warships in the area."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Frank Criticizes Freddie, Fannie

Democrat Frank says abolish Freddie and Fannie: "We need a Brucie and a Rosie!"

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Neil: "How Many More?"

Ohio's Bedbug Battle Escalates with EPA Crisis Meeting. Neil Young releases "Bed Bugs In Ohio!"

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Dr. Laura Retiring

Dr. Laura plans to end radio show at end of year after language gets out of control recently. Today's guest: Mel Gibson.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Negent Found Guilty

Ted Nugent pleads no contest to deer baiting in CA. Also, stalking the wild politicians of Washington DC.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Suckers

In a bid to compete with the booming private medical sector NHS chiefs are offering free blow jobs to all patients.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Outbreak Of Eggs Benedict Arnold

228M eggs recalled following salmonella outbreak. Hens told to double up for a second shipment.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Dating websites unfair

Spokesperson for Figs makes official complaint about Dating websites claiming unfair bias towards one fruit.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Class Of '14 In Their Own World

Wear wristwatch? Use e-mail? Know anything about the world about you? Not for Class of '14

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Blagojevich Guilty On One Charge!

Blagojevich Guilty On One Charge! He's a typical politician, only he got caught.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Blagojevich Guilty On One Charge! #2

Jurors were close to convicting Rod Blagojevich. "But he's obviously mad as a hatter."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Slaphead

A bald man from Gateshead awoke from a transplant operation to find a kidney sewn onto his head. The surgeon admitted he was working in the wrong clinic that day.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Obama Tlaking Clean Energy Again

President Obama Talks About Clean Energy For The 100th Time! Like 7-8 presidents before him. Where is it?

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Obama Not Handling Job

AP Poll: Obama at new low for handling economy, which he hasn't except to borrow money from the future.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Sick

Hospital staff laughed at a man who suffered a fatal heart attack whilst reading a pamphlet about the risk of heart attacks. Doctor Jennifer Hmmmm said "It was hilarious. Even his wife giggled."

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
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Hat-trick for Stuart

Well known local moron, Stuart Holepunch, caused a stir at the Wetherby Market Traders Convention when he cut off both ears so his new hat would fit better. He told us "What?"

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Peter Kay hates modern life

Fat Bolton comedian Pater Kay has denounced modern life as 'crap' and yearns for the 70's and 80's because he liked Spangles and Quattro.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
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Broken Windows

Microsoft supremo, Bilious Gates, has announced that the next version of the popular operating system will be called Windows 6 just "fuck with people's minds".

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
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Dangerous stationery

Jagged staples have been banned from all UK offices. A 35 page H&S policy document outlined the reasons but got separated and now the last few pages are missing.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Caffeine drinks rip off

Health experts are warning that popular caffeine energy drinks are not strong enough to have any significant impact on the drinker. Health spokesman, Dirk Made-Up-Name, said "Speed or E's are better."

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Friendly rapist

Recently released serial rapist, Piers Pressure, has been voted Kindest, Most Attentive Rapist by readers of Rapist UK magazine.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Good god almighty

Residents of Congleton, Cheshire were alarmed to discover that god does not exist. Mayor Crosby 'Stills and' Nash has already decided to convert the now defunct churches into brothels and shit.

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Holy Cow

The entire population of little-known Pacific island, Dentura, is allergic to cheese. The island is home to just one man, Brian Samsung, who told reporters "I fucking hate cheese."

written by breezeblock, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Weed OUT candidates?

Wyclef Jean can't run for president if he hasn't lived on Haitian soil for five consecutive years. Wyclef puffs: "I've lived on Haitian grass for far longer. Doesn't that count?"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 August 2010
Rating:

She's nobody's nigger

Quitting after 30+ years in radio, Dr. Laura Schlessinger presented with commemorative gold tooth by clear channel. Schlessinger: "Dis be comin in handy when I be eatin fried chicken an watermelon!"

written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 August 2010
Rating:

The sting of racism

Bees trap North Carolina deputy sheriff in patrol car for 3 hours. Peaceful honey makers reportedly angered after being racially profiled as "Africanized bees."

written by The San Francisco Onion, 18 August 2010
Rating:

New rules for TSA workers.

The TSA will no longer be screening anyone of middle eastern descent, because of political correctness. They will only screen old people from now on, unless they are a Towel Head.

written by High Higgler, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Heart Seems OK

Cigar blows up in Castro's face during speech but he calmly lies it's remains down and lights another one without missing a word.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Like A Snake

New spill report contradicts finding that most oil is gone. It's just hiding, biding it's time, gathering strength, waiting for right hurricane.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Conseco Homers In Debut

Jose Canseco homers for minor-league team in Laredo, the Loredo Assprickers!

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Killer Cheeseburgers

Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger sounds atrocious, but many who've tried it become fans, fat.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Bad Egg Recall

An Iowa egg producer is recalling 228 million eggs after being linked to an outbreak of salmonella poisoning. This is according to an eggspert in the field.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

Police Set Snare For Bunny Shooter

Police in Bear Wallow, Ky say that early report that the victim was found buried only two feet down was incorrect. Actually he was upside down with bunny shoes into the air, a mark of this desperado."

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
Rating:

We Were All Yawning After That

Observers say that chimps yawn when they get bored just as we do. Subjects were placed in front of television sets.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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Cave Now Blank But Clean

Immigrant, hired to clean out cave area of France where cave man cave drawings find he had cleaned those off too.

written by Bureau, 18 August 2010
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