Spoof news snippets from Monday 16 August 2010
Cheese fumes kill Belgians
Brussels lorry driver Franck Clocktower ploughs into bus stop killing 347 Belgians after being overwhelmed by the fumes of his cargo of cheese.
Pickles donates neck fat to African tribe
Eric Pickles, who recently underwent cosmetic liposuction to remove loose neck fat, was so moved by a documentary of the Etonia tribe in Mali that he decided to gift them his surgical off-cuts.
Just Like The Bear!
Actor David Hasselhoff freed from having a plastic jar stuck over his head.
Mel Still Not Well
Mel Gibson, involved in single car crash in Malibu, calls the 'other driver' a 'black Jew'.
Bob, Stick With Music! Write Chronicles II
Dylan to unveil new paintings in Denmark. Get your money and your refrigerator ready.
KilPatrick Dies At 89
Columnist, wordsmith James Kilpatrick dies at 89! Well, hecky dern!
All Others, OK!
French to Fine Shirtless Tourists, if they are male!
Barack Mohammed Obama?
OBAMA FLASHBACK: Arabic call to prayer 'one of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset'. How about the sound of two towers falling?
City Under Seige
CITY under SIEGE: 1 in 10 NewYorkers with BEDBUGS! "If anyone starts that 'Night, night, sleep tight..' I'll wring his beep neck!", says one who's apartment is infested.
Iran Plans Third Nuclear Plant
Iran plans third enrichment plant, after Israel blows up the first two.
Major Dog Show
Lady who's show poodle suddenly tears the seat out of her dress at Dog Event given the blue ribbon for "Best In Show".
Those against the gay marriages this week prefer to call them "Gay Mirages".
Can't Recall Much
Man on plane that landed safely on herd of sheep says that it's all still a little woolly to him.
Pilot Appears Sheepish In Interview
Another miracle as pilot safely lands his damaged plane in a herd of sheep. Only three passengers injured from rocks thrown by sheepherder.
Obama Takes Time Off
President Obama to take some time off vacationing and fundraising in a few weeks to do some 'Presidenting'.
Neanderthals Ate Finger Sandwiches
Scientists now say that Neanderthal's ate first sandwiches. Placed meat between two slices of meat, sometimes ate hand by mistake.
Economists now fear triple-dip recession after realizing we're already in #2 up to our ass.
Tripper: Complete Accident
Justice Scalia unhurt after he tripped over Obama supporter outside restaurant in "Chicago" type politics.
White House: politics no role in mosque remarks. Survivors: "That's what you think!"
Evil Knievil plans to jumb across Angelina Jolie's Vagina.
Friends and family beg the stunt junky not to do it. Evil's best friend says. So many people have lost their career's, and lives attempting this feat, that nothing good can come out of this.
Knew He Had One
Kid touring White House finds book, "Presidents Shit List" on floor but grabbed immediately by guards.
I'm not confident there won't be a double-dip recession, says outgoing Treasury watchdog chief Alan Budd. "Double-dipping could also lead to many diseases & their spreading."
Monty Python Episode?
Police told not to pursue stolen motorbikes... because thieves weren't wearing helmets and might get hurt. Comedy of 1970's turn into reality in 2010.
Don't Raise Our Liquids!
Food prices soar by up to 58% in just three years. "Just as long as drinks are stable", say many.
Fake Homeless Being Paid
It beggars belief: How the fake homeless are raking in more than £20,000 a year, as they sneak back into homes at night.
Taxpayers Helping Prostitutes
Councils pay for disabled to visit prostitutes and lap-dancing clubs from £520m taxpayer fund. Man cuts off own foot to get in.
Woman in suicide stand-off with police at Bitchy Head after Ferrari-driving husband is found bludgeoned to death. Sorry, that should be "Beachy Head"
Bring Your Own!
Back to School? Bring Your Own Toilet Paper! Schools cutting budgets, farts.
Too Busy Right Now!
Jobless millions signal death of American dream for many. "I'll address that right after vacation and 30-day fundraising dinners", says President.
House To Cut Food Stamps
House to cut food stamps to fund Mrs. Obama's 'let's move' initiative. "Tell her we are moving somewhere with food", states former supporter.
Next, Our 21st!
Iran official announces building of 20th new nuke site. Receives severe warning from the UN.
Obama's Still Vacationing
A boat ride and ice cream cap Obama's trip to Gulf. Former BP CEO asks him to visit yacht any time, "Since you're doing little else."
Cameron Celebrates Birthday
James Cameron to celebrate his birthday underwater or at least, under the influence of liquids.
Teen Sex Performance Studied
Teen sex not always bad for school performance, although inexperience causing many to get a bad grade in Sex Education.
WikiLeaks Threaten Pentagon?
WikiLeaks says it won't be threatened by Pentagon. That was four days ago. No word since.
You Can Trust Us
Advanced military satellite launches into orbit. Military promises not to peek over Iran.
Can't Beer Conference Forever!
AP-GfK polls show Obama losing independents, democrats out of work.
Obama Raising Funds Again
Obama launching 30 days of fundraising travel. Most telling him to go back to Washington and be a President for awhile! We need jobs.
Longer Sentences Requested
Longer sentence sought for Khmer Rouge convict as judge asked to add on another 100 years.
Pssst Diamond Discount!
World diamond trading group bans Zimbabwe stones as Zimbabwe heads for eBay sales.
What Are The Kids Doing Today, Ms Burk?
Teen sex not always bad for school performance, unless parents drop in for a visit.
People Donating Sperm For Many Offspring!
Sperm-donor offspring seek rights and respect as he discovers that his daddy was Bernie Madoff.
Bad Time For Shrimpers
La. shrimpers worry about prices for new season, oil wells suddenly exploding underneath their boats.
Japan Knocked Out Of #2
China overtakes Japan in 2Q as No. 2 economy. Japanese workers told, "To get back to #2, you will have to shit and get it!"
Works Both Ways
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. At 7 AM this morning, 50% of all city cops were in doughnut shops.
Before You Step In It
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Henry Gibson family notified that guy two houses down is allowing his dog to shit in your yard again.
TV Is Blaise!
Broadcast audience aging faster than population. Most younger people on their phones, computers.
Obama Now Fundraising
Obama launching 3 days of fundraising travels, then two more vacations, more fundraisers as Biden runs the country.
Insults abound in 2010 campaigns by candidates and their mothers!
2010 Campaigns Nasty
Insults abound in 2010 campaigns, as bunch of assholes cut loose!
Japan Doing Number 2!
China overtakes Japan in 2Q as No. 2 economy. Honking 10,000,000 horns for US to move aside.
Hooked On It For Their Cars!
La. shrimpers worry about prices for new season, unless the public like the taste of a tad of oil.
Even Hot In Maine
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Mrs Johnson of Portsmouth, Maine needs to know that neighbor hiding watches her sun bath.
Teen Sex At School
Teen sex not always bad for school performance, if done between classes or in study hall.
Sort Of Distracting
Study: Teen sex not always bad for school performance, unless it's during tests.
If They Build It, Will It Stand?
Hamas leader: Ground zero mosque must be built. Hezbollah, al-Qaids, Taliban, Obama agree.
Pod May Open Soon
Thousands flock to see asteroid pod in Japan, anticipating whom pod will look like. Will it be Hirohito?
Pods In Japan
Thousands flock to see asteroid pod in Japan, anticipating whom pod will look like.
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. President spotted smoking half a pack of cigarettes outside near Rose Garden.
Those Cats Were Rocking
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Latest night photos show that we need to expect a lot of kittens soon.
No Walls Overhead
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. Nudist colonies complaining.
Smile! Aerial images being used to enforce laws. This could be your mug shot.
Lockerbie Families Join 911 Mosque Protesters
Lockerbie families raise new questions over bomber. He should have been dead and rotting by now. So we were told.
Ground Zero Mosque
Hamas leader: Ground zero mosque must be built. "If you built it, we will come."
Hamas Joins Obama
Hamas leader: Ground zero mosque must be built. Listen to your President.
Progress In Afghanistan
Petraeus: Time is key for progress in Afghanistan. Film rerun from this time last year.
The One With 13
Old lady escorted by social workers from London apartment. "Okay, I admit it: More than sixteen cats may be a bit excessive. What if I give one to my neighbor downstairs? She'll never know it."
Nation Experiences Extreme Water Shortage
Polluted water runoff prevention schemes that rabid environmentalists got states to make mandatory causing extreme water shortages. States advise people to use beer & wine for drinking & showering!
He had a Dream
OBAMA: Mr. President, per your orders, we just took out all of Iran's A bomb making capabilities. Obama elected by a landslide in 2012. MICHELLE: Wake up Barack you're having those dreams again!
Scotch on the Rocks
A bag of ice was found next to the crate of Mackinlay's Scotch whisky buried in the Antarctic ice for a century. Gee whiz, ice machines and ATMs are found everywhere!
Democratic liberal left wing loons are descended from 1960's hippies. When something feels or sounds good, they force the item on everybody else regardless if it passes US Constitutional muster.
Get the Wax Out of Your Ears
When Congress returns from their vacation they are all scheduled to have hearing tests. Their constituents told them to listen or they will have to find new jobs after the November elections!
Powerball to the People
President Obama wins a Powerball jackpot of $500 million, plans to keep all of it. DOJ sues as the president is government employee, Congress wants to spend it and the IRS wants to tax it!
NBC TV Introduces its New Fall Lineup
Looking for a winner NBC debuts "Celebrity Nude Mud Wrestling" to compete with those cable TV wrestling programs. The first show will feature Rosie O'Donnell verses Ann Coulter (negotiations pending)!
CBS to Remake the Beverly Hillbillies TV Series
The Beverly Hillbillies starring Mel Gibson (Jed Clampett); Lindsay Lowhan (Elly May Clampett); Paris Hilton (Jane Hathaway) & Britney Spears (Granny) debuts in the fall! Other roles remain open.
ABC TV Reorganizes Programming
The two ABC TV series Young Cops and Grey's Anatomy are to be combined, allowing the responding police officers to perform surgery right at the crime scene as needed!
Dumb and Dumber
If the Bush administration was economically dumb then the current Obama administration is extremely economically dumber, excuse me for not being PC, extremely fiscally challenged.
President Obama to Be Interviewed On Fox News Channel
Fox News Channel executives were seen buying out shoe stores in NYC in accordance with Noshing Mink's spoof story "People of New York to throw shoes at Obama over Ground Zero mosque decision!"
Obama administration's dismal economic track record has the US economy possibly sliding into a double-dip recession with high unemployment. If this administration were a horse it would be dog food!
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