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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #68

They say that love handles is that extra bit of fat around your waist. They're wrong... love handles are your girl friend's ears when you're getting a Lewinsky surprise.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #67

If you are the only man in a room full of women, and one of them farts, they all look at you. Who do they look at if there's no men in the room?

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #66

If you ain't got to second base by the time your 16, you're probably a crappy baseball player who's also got no luck with girls.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #65

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water. Why? Don't most rivers, springs, and streams run downhill? Idiots!

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #64

In my day, every boy had that red bikini picture of Farrah Fawcett on their bedroom wall. Modern teenagers got naked pictures of Britney as their computer wallpaper.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #63

It's a mark of manhood to write your first name on a bathroom wall. It's a mark of desperation to call one of those names from your cell phone while still inside of the stall.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #62

My mama always told me to wear clean under britches in case I was in an accident. It's also a good idea to wear 'em if there's a possibility of gettin' luck or goin' skinnydipping.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #61

If a nurse or female doctor ever has to examine your privates, it's best to get a boner. They'll treat you better cuz it lets 'em know you think they're hot, even if they are butt ugly.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #60

You'll never see Barack Obama at a NASCAR evnet. The closest that he'll ever get is the racing stripes in his undershorts.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #59

Condoms not only protect you from venereal diseases, they also protect you from shotgun weddings.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #58

If you farted every time you lied, Congress would quickly blow the dome off the Capital building.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #57

If life gives you lemons, it's legal to make lemonade.... but if life gives you a still, how come it's illegal to make moonshine?

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #56

How come if a pretty girl wants to wiggle parts of her naked body at me, it's called mooning, flashing, or a lap dance... but if I try to show mine to her, it's indecent exposure?

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #55

If the Daniel Boone show was on today in our era of political correctness crap, would they still be allowed to say that he liked "shootin' at coons?"

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #54

Some folks wonder why there wasn't more female streakers. We got 'em, they're just called exotic dancers and work in the titty bars.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #53

She told me she was a virgin, but why was she wearin' a nursing bra?

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #52

They say that if you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he'll probably get a hat from Bass Pro Shops.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #51

I was kinda proud of my son when I found that pair of thong underwear under the seat when I let him borrow my truck for a date, until I found out they was his.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #50

When I was in school, they were always takin' the Special Education kids to the farm or zoo. These days, they're takin' 'em to Washington and lettin' 'em run the whole damn Government.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #49

I guess young folks these days like wearing their thong underwear with that string up your crack and the elastic straps coming up outta your pants. In my days, we called that a wedgie.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #48

They got a name for cats that are howling on the back fence at night: moving targets.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #47

It used to be that you could tell if a girl dyed her hair because the carpet didn't match the curtains. These days, it's all just bare floors down there (...and ready for hard wood).

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #46

If yer gonna go skinnydippin' with a girl who's only fifteen, be prepared to go to jail for twenty.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #45

When I want something to "open me up," I eat prunes. Folks these days watch The View fer that.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #44

The worst thing to say to the groom if'n you're the best man: "I'd do her."

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #43

Them young girls need to start covering up their bra straps; that's why it's called underwear. What are they trying to do, brag they got titties?

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #42

Learning how to unhook a bra: it's part of puberty for a girl, a right of passage for a young man, unneeded for a flat chested woman, and damned hard to do for an old man with arthritis.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #41

Did you ever notice that all them idiots that voted for change in the last election are those that are too lazy to get off their ass and work to change anything themselves?

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #40

You are what you are, and ACORNs always were a bunch of little nuts mostly liked by squirelly folks.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #39

I saw a bunch of them "Moonies" one time in the airport, but they was all wearing long robes with shaved heads and selling books; not one of 'em flashed his ass at me.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #38

Inflation and deflation are the words politicians use to describe their egos and what they want to do to the thickness of my wallet.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Supreme Court Rules NCAA Athletes With GPA Under 1.5 Can Compete In Special Olympics

I think they're gonna need to use bigger stadiums.

written by Jalapenoman, 28 April 2010
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Supreme Court Rules NCAA Athletes With GPA Under 1.5 Can Compete In Special Olympics

The problem: most of the football players can spell "NCAA," but few can spell "Special Olympics."

written by Jalapenoman, 28 April 2010
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Supreme Court Rules NCAA Athletes With GPA Under 1.5 Can Compete In Special Olympics

Inner cities will now be full of gold medals!

written by Jalapenoman, 28 April 2010
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Supreme Court Rules NCAA Athletes With GPA Under 1.5 Can Compete In Special Olympics

I guess intellectual laziness plus giant ego equals mental handicap and not stupidity.

written by Jalapenoman, 28 April 2010
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Supreme Court Rules NCAA Athletes With GPA Under 1.5 Can Compete In Special Olympics

This year's Final Four will compete in Special Olympics' Basketball Finals

written by Jalapenoman, 28 April 2010
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Environmental Protection Vessel refuses to arrest itself

seeking source of illegal oil contamination on a river found out it was the source.

written by Tcoah, 28 April 2010
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Salient Truths No. 5,001

U know when it's really going south for 'new' Labour when Lindsay Lohan says should would, if she could, vote for new Labour.

written by Tcoah, 28 April 2010
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California Nudist Club Wants Permission to Join Tea Party Movement

The visuals of teabaggers has just risen to a whole new level, hasn't it?

written by Charpa93, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #37

It don't take a genius to see that Barack Obama and Body Odor got the same initials, and that they both stink.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #36

It's funny how the meanings of words change. When I was younger, a shave tail was an inexperienced feller. Now it's a girl that waxes the hair of her privates.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #35

They say "the bigger they are, the harder they fall".... but them really fat ones got lots of padding, so it probably don't hurt much.... and they might just roll anyway.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #34

Call 'em what you want to, undocumented workers or illegal aliens; they're all just wetbacks on welfare to me.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #33

They say that you can't judge a book by its cover, which is why all women should go topless when you meet 'em.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #32

They say that too many cooks spoil the broth, but my wife can do it all by herself.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Throckmorton P. Turdblossom's Rules For Life, #31

If howling stray cats are keeping you awake at night, invite a Vietnamese family over for supper.

written by Throckmorton Turdblossom, 28 April 2010
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Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

recently spotted wearing a patch.

written by Charpa93, 28 April 2010
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