Spoof news snippets from Monday 7 September 2009
Glenn Beck reads Obama's speech to students backwards, finds hidden meanings.
After reading President Obama's speech to students backwards, Glenn Beck has found "hidden meanings designed to indoctrinate kids in the ways and customs of the Kikuyu tribe of Kenya."
Dole Good On Pole Results
After falling below 50% for the first time, Barack Obama went to consult with Bob Dole on the best way to raise his pole.
Traditional Paupers Burial
Apparently two weeks ago when longtime South Korean leader Kim was buried, he was accompanied by ten heads of cabbages in a common grave.
Talkin' Bout My Generation
Baby Boomers say it's a sad day when the Stone's "Hey You, Get Off Of My Cloud" is used in commercials for White Cloud Toilet Paper.
Crude Down Again
The price of crude is down for the third day in a row. However, funny is still up almost 10%, led by all new Michael Jackson jokes, say stand-up comediennes.
Guns Banned Once Again
The United States Department Of Homeland Security has asked that hand guns be removed once again from the cockpit of commercial airplanes, citing 224th pilot sent home from airport, drunk as a skunk.
Vatican Owns Up
In a terribly disappointing release yesterday, the Vatican admits that Mother Teresa once owned a pair of earrings.
Better Straighten Up
General Petraeus: "The United States and United Nations plan to keep leaving a heavy carbon footprint on Taliban's ass!"
Dawgone And Back Again.
A missing dog was found today after a lengthy lamppost flyer campaign. Unfortunately a cowboy found the mutt and thought it was a wanted poster so shot it between the eyes.
Bee Gees reform and invite Maurice to join the fun!
Dead Maurice Bee Gee is about to make as sensational comeback with his brothers, Dame Vera Lynn and Barbara "Big Nose" Streisand as a Standing cardboard cut out! Staying alive, Staying alive!!!
More Americans Cremated
Statistics show that more Americans are being cremated than ever before, possibly because of economy or perhaps more people beginning to think "outside the box".
Aren't They Beautiful?
Acme Chemical Company fined for sending so many chemicals into atmosphere claim artistic license of creating never before seen clouds.
Retirement Village Not Selling
New retirement village in Florida, "Heaven's Waiting Room" not having too many buyers.
No Trip To Venus
Although Japanese first lady says she was taken to Venus in a spaceship, this morning Venusian officials stated that it was all in her mind.
PBS Scrubs "NOVA" series, "PCB's Our Secret Friend."
The decision came after most of the crew died horrible deaths while filming at the world's most toxic sites. A non-plussed spokesman told the Spoof,"Shit,it's show biz. They'll be replaced today."
Potato Peeling Skydiver Captures Guinness Book Record
Bannock Russet, captured the prize after peeling more than a bushel of potatoes as he plummeted 15,000 feet. He skinned his last spud only 40 feet from the ground. A memorial service is planned
Nkorea Nuclear?
President Obama says that North Korea may, may not have nuclear weapons, but our military intelligence tells me, "We know Japan was there yesterday."
Recruits Plentiful
Military says US not having any problems recruiting more soldiers. Credit new President's policies leading to no jobs anywhere else.
"I'd Been Dead By Now"
Warren Steed Jeffs, the fugitive leader of a polygamist sect, tells reporter he does not want to be freed from jail. "I've gained 20 pounds & feel halfway human again", stated husband of 26 wives.
Male prostitutes file for bankruptcy
They say Subway's Five Dollar Footlongs promotion is killing their business.
Urologists discover ACORN workers have world's smallest penises
"We shouldn't be surprised, as we all knew ACORNs were little nuts.
Emma Watson announces she's tired of her character's good girl image
"In the next Harry Potter movie, Hermione is putting out to anyone who can beat Valdemort, ...or just has a tight ass."
Kennedy family questions media
"Why isn't Uncle Teddy's funeral still running 24 hours a day like that Michael Jackson crap is on TV Guide Network?
Obama announces Cash for Clunkers follow up program
With "Cash for Spunkers", bring your masturbating sons, husbands, boyfriends, and grandfathers and trade them in to receive $4500.
Proctologists Approve Health Care Plan
The National Order of Proctologists approve President Obama's new health care plan. "We support all our assholes we've sent to Washington" says official statement.
Disney Changing Marvel
Marvel Comic purists say Disney already making changes as The Fantastic Four take on Yosemite Sam as fifth member.
Public Need Not Panic
Fed Chairman Bernanke says that he expects the economy to begin turning around by second half of 21st century.
Gives Alternate View
Old flasher caught outside school building claims he had hurried there as a republican answer to Obama speech this week and didn't have time to fully dress.
Town Meeting Quickly
Town meeting in Maggoty, Arkansas says government control of health care fine with them, internet controlled by aliens also fine, then hurry back to jackalope hunting as it's the hunting season.
They're Needed Here
President Obama says he may bring more troops home from Iraq as average Iraqi city now more safe than US town hall meetings.
Short Attention Span Troubles President
President Obama sending "Brownshirt The Clown" to pop out and entertain school children before and during his message to the schools this week.
Tired Of Theories
The FBI has announced that they may clone Lee Harvey Oswald from remains and have clone explain Kennedy assassination once and for all.
It's About Time
President Obama, in his speech this week, says he may begin releasing nation's strategic wind, solar reserves.
We Appreciate You
Freddie Mac, Ginny Mae send "Thank you" cards to every US citizen for their personal $20,000 gift from each member of the household over the next few years.
Bomber Returns?
Lockerbie bomber demands to be allowed to return to Scotland. "Says Gaddafi family "Crazy as a loon".
A Glass and a Half
'Kraft' the American firm bidding for Cadbury promise a full glass and a half of investment but Cadbury are demanding clarification: 'how much exactly is a glass and a half'?
Controversary In Brazil
There is growing controversy in Brazil over the arrest of an Italian tourist held after kissing his eight-year-old daughter in public. Local hookers, nudists say they were shocked!
Penalties Have Wide Range Of Punishments
A Sudanese woman charged with dressing indecently for wearing trousers has been fined but spared from being burned as a witch.
Japan Plans Long-Range Changes
Japan's next leader has promised a big cut in greenhouse gas emissions, saying he will aim for a 25% reduction by 2050 compared with 1950 levels.
New KFC Incentive
Kentucky Fried Chicken has announced that they will offer customers "frequent fryer jowls".
Conflicting Advice
Obama gets conflicting tips on health care speech. "Is it an apple a day or an orange a day?", demands President.
Fallout From Nuclear Fallout
Fallout from nuclear tests leads to health crisis. US promises to issue umbrellas next time.
Sea Level Control?
Mass. center to build ocean monitoring stations. "Should Atlantic rise, we can open seaway to Pacific to level it up", says Center spokesman.
Cadbury Rejects Kraft Offer
Cadbury rejects Kraft's $16.7 billion bid but might sell off Cadbury bunny eggs.
Silly Speech "Just Silly"
The furor surrounding President Barack Obama's silly upcoming address to the nation's schoolchildren is "just silly," his education chief said Sunday.
Released Inmates At Risk
Released California prison inmates at risk for more health problems as they immediately go back to crime.
Police Question Dionne Warwick
San Jose police continue to investigate city's 20th homicide. Victim apparently didn't know the way to San Jose, say police.
New Flu Symptoms
2,000 students at U.S. university report swine flu symptoms: Headache, fuzzy tongue, needing another shot of alcohol.
Picnic Czar
Obama to name manufacturing adviser at picnic. Be sure to consult this man before your next picnic.
Lets Hear it for Capitalism
New Michael Moore film says "capitalism is evil." He reiterated this pronouncement boarding his private Jet taking the film's profits to the Cayman Islands, where he has three houses and two yachts.
Obama Practicing.
President Obama, in a rehearsal for his speech to school children this week, practiced Sunday. "In order to improve your Marx at school..OK, who's been screwing with the teleprompter again?"
Health Care Bill Amendment
Republicans in Congress have offered an amendment to all Health Care Reform bills, to provide free Gluteus Maximus compression bandages. Dressings are for those Democrats losing their seats in 2010.
Playing with Political Marbles
Political groups win right to place monuments in a public park. To make room for the marble masonry, playground equipment had to be removed. Kids are now playing in the street adjacent to the park!
Dancing with the Health Care Stars
The dance team of Gibbs and Axelrod performed their latest two step, the Health Care Reform Public Option Waffle on Sunday's talk shows. The president will get out his dancing shoes later this week.
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