Spoof news snippets from Saturday 5 September 2009
Bill: Hillary Still Sexy
Former President Bill Clinton says that he's tired of hearing about Hillary being frigid. "For instance", stated Bill, "Last night she wore her crotchless pantsuit."
Winehouse Has New Album
The latest album by singer Amy Winehouse, "Some Her Is Hear" goes Aluminum!
Best Party College
The Minneapolis, Minnesota School for Training Rehab Staff voted best party college!
Getting Out Of Hand
Little League toughens steroid policy after seven-year-old girl in the Peewee League hit's 450-foot grand slam home run.
Cell Phones Causing Accidents
Traffic police say that cell phones in cars is the #1 cause of accidents, more than DUI's. On the other hand, they allow a survivor to call an ambulance or priest to do last rites really quick.
Compression glitch hits Beeb roilling headline software
"Madonna's pilgrimage to Israel hits a...transsexual killer...while Honeytrap teen Samantha Joseph jailed for 10...sleaziest tourist streets in Europe". WTF.
The end is nigh! Asteroid To Hit Earth Tomorrow & Wipe Out All Life
So, you'd best get pisst tonight & end up shagging some stranger up against a wall in the dark alley behind the pub!
Comic found in Blackpool!
A 'real' comedian was found in Blackpool last night. Camp funnyman Alan Carr 'turned on' the lights. "Hey look, these bulbs have taken a shine to me - they must find me a real turn-on!" he said.
Other Than That...
President Obama says economy looking better with only one dark cloud on the horizon. "Too bad that one is mushroom shaped."
More Finding Jobs
Labor Department says employment increasing for real estate sales/burger flippers.
The Warhol Code
The new movie based on the book, "The Warhol Code" hard to follow, say audience in a hurry home to heat up some soup.
ahhhhh....AHHHH!!!
Three juveniles in NYC arrested after stretching electric fence in alley behind bar where drunks piss.
Mexico Goes Methane
Mexico announces it may go all methane gas for power. With fried beans and peppers, makes sense.
Troops Still In Iraq, Afghanistan?
President Obama: "We're fighting the enemy over there because we're too busy fighting with ourselves here to fight them here."
"Deep Grunt"?
New "Deep Grunt" spy in White House discloses that walls built on Mexican border actually fenced in quarantined areas for victims of Swine Flu.
More Walking, Cycling To Work
With gas prices up again, many more walking, riding bicycles to work. Study shows increase of building healthy muscles, more heart attacks.
Pelosi, Reid Get Cheeky
Nancy Pelosi forgets herself during argument over health care and states, "We Are Borg". Admits she is Half of Ass, Reid the other half.
Japanese First Lady Embarrassed
New Japanese First Lady commits faux pas by saying she has been to Mars when everyone knows there are only men there.
Libyan Leader Denies Shenaigans and back-door diplomacy
Colonel Gadaffi, Libyan leader said today "We have never agreed to take money from Britain for oil" as he urinated on a big pile of £10 notes and took a shit on a £50.
Spoof Granny fights back !
Ulver spoof-writer and guerilla Granny said today "Fuck 'em" when asked if she was bothered by recent threats from the FSA to cut off her tits and fine her for being cheeky.
Robbie Williams finds evidence of UFOs in his toilet bowl
It was later discovered that they were just crap circles.
David Beckham finally achieves orgasm
David Beckham achieved orgasm today after 20 years, the incident occurred when he he stroked his bell-end and not a cycle helmet. Posh Beckham is using the issue for grout in her new Salmon Hatchery.
Basques to vote on self-determination
Suspender belts, g-strings and a variety of other forms of erotic lingerie also demand right to vote.
Miss America Contest In India
The Miss America contest has been outsourced to India, which immediately banned the swimsuit competition but will have more entertainment in dresses. American males: "This is a sari state of events".
Flowering Of Democracy
Former President of the United States, George Bush, stated that whatever anyone thought of him, he helped flower democracy throughout the world, while his predecessor only went about de-flowering.
George Bush Accused
The Nuclear Pronouncers Of Truth have accused former President George W. Bush of nearly setting off a Nucklar war.
Gary Lineker Marries His Model Bride
His ex-wife Michelle said something plastic and lifeless will complement his personality perfectly.
Dyson invents Ambidextrous Tableware
Vacuum cleaner mogul, James Dyson has invented the first knife, fork & spoon set that can be used by either hand. "It's a marvel," said Dyson. Critics say he's run out of things to invent.
Jack Swede Remanded!
Alleged 'roaster' Jack Swede has today been remanded in custard. Police say he is getting his just desserts.
England Skipper Denies Players Go Down Easily
England 'skipper' John Terry strenuously denied that English players go down easily. His wife says he needs at least five pints before he goes down these days.
Rising Porn Star Lorelei On 'Hard Times'
Rising porn star Lorelei Lee has admitted that she is becoming increasingly strapped for cash.
Hottest On Record
This was the hottest August on record at several locations, according to Britney Spears.
Wilderness Rollbacks
New Super WalMart to be built in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming around "Old Faithful" centerpiece.
Just Using Low Gears
Snowmobiles approved for Northern Nevada Veterans Memorial Cemetery, Antietam Battlefield.
Old Safety Myths
A UK survey has revealed that myths about contraception may be widespread. For instance, daughters being advised to hold objects between knees at all times.
Afghan Election Fraud
Further evidence has come to light of widespread fraud during the recent Afghan presidential election as midget admits he was hiding in ballot box.
My Cheese Chunk To e4.
A leading French chess player turned up drunk, barfed on board & dozed off after just 11 moves in an international tournament in Kolkata, losing the round on technical grounds, media reported Friday.
Florida Seeks Robot
Florida boaters urged to look out for missing robot, say it could have came from outer space. Much like Governor Arnold
Schwarzenegger in appearance.
Here's, Try Tom's!
Astronauts relish space's international food court as everyone's individual recycled piss has a different flavor.
Envoys Discuss NKorea Nukes
United States, South Korea envoys discuss North Korean's nuclear claim, aim.
Oil Involved In Prisoner Release
UK official says oil was part of Lockerbie talks. "Some palms were definitely greased", states one who was there.
The Way In San Jose
Apartments demolished to make way for new community center in San Jose. New Community center based upon older center, torn down to build the apartments.
Economy Apparently Critical
Brown to G-20: Economy at 'critical juncture'
G-20 to Brown: 'No shit!'
Fires Creeping Back
Deadly LA wildfire creeps deeper into forest, taking out four different gingerbread houses on Friday.
Late-Night Snacks Causing Weight Gains?
Late-night snacks could pack on the pounds according to study. Apparently snacks acquire more calories as the day goes on. Specialists say eat all you can early in the day.
Lobster Wars
Lobster wars rock remote Maine island! Sharks, killer whales being hired as mercenaries.
Out Of Frying Pan
Florida Exodus: Rising Taxes Drive Out Residents. Many of the poor slobs heading for California.
Can You See What It Isn't yet?
Hackney Council have decided to improve the work of graffiti artist Banksey by painting over one of his murals. The artwork which featured the Royal family was destroyed. The Queen was not amused.
The Answer is: "He Often Puts The Cart Before the Horse."
The question is: "How can you tell if your Amish teenager is using drugs?"
North Korean Foreign Policy
Former UN Ambassador John Bolton had cautioned Presidents Clinton and Bush about NK's Kim Jong il's intentions. Both were uckered by Kim! Now the NK leader has uckered President Obama twice!
CIA Hearing gets Somewhat Testy
During a recess of a congressional hearing on the CIA, House Speaker Pelosi referred to the agency as the Castrated Intelligence Agency. CIA Director Panetta mused; I guess you would know "Madam!"
|
| Mon | Tue | Wed | Thu | Fri | Sat | Sun | ||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||||||||||||
Mailing List
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!