Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 29 September 2009
Just another fishy tale?
Mermaids object to excess of fish restaurants in Padstowe, Cornwall. Pescatraians launch coastal counter-attacks with rods and nets.
No more night-flights for the Bat
Airline companies insist on reflective night clothing for flight-capable superheroes. Batman corporation and Superman industries threaten to withdraw public help in protest. Robin happy to conform.
No more bellies
New government ruling on trousers created in the UK. British clothes manufacturers to follow traditional USA 'big pants' design, with belt around waist. Fines to be imposed for overhanging bellies.
Must Have Been Janet
A California state trooper thinks he may have pulled over Janet Jackson last night. He told another officer this morning that she looked like Michael used to look. and she had one headlight out.
Think Tank Backed Up!
Think Tank finally emptied by sewer workers. "It's not a pretty sight in there", worker warns relatives.
A Firm Believer
Meeting of cosmetic surgeons urge more breast implants for women to help bolster the economy.
Biden On The Loose
Big-mouthed Vice President Biden tells reporters about Obama getting Israeli leader and Palestinian leader to shake hands. "Of course, neither one would shake hands with Michelle, she being a woman."
Kids!
Same senior student wins best-dressed, worst-dressed male awards at Florida high schoo,l after shitting pants laughing over worst-dressed female.
So They're Still There?
Thousands of 2000 election butterfly ballots found nesting in Mexico for yet another winter.
Probably Delivered To Wrong Cave
Osama Bin Laden turns down special invitation to winners of
$10Million at Publishers Clearinghouse.
Saudi Hooligans are publicly lashed, only crime, they like metal music!
Listening to "metal music" in Saudi on a religious holiday is forbidden, Saudi hooligans rioted and after being caught they were publicly lashed 20 times, next time they will lose their left hands!!
Madonna to marry her baby, Jesus
Madonna has shocked the Christian world by announcing she will marry her "Baby" Jesus, the Pope has had an heart attack and asked for Madonna to be burnt on the stake!
Honking Clowns Asked To Avoid The Area!
Big fight in New York City last night between mutes and mimes finally settled this morning by monks.
Gore Escapes Temporarily
Al Gore escaped from the nuthatch long enough today to warn President Obama to make bean dip at all Super Bowl parties illegal.
Many Losing Interest
Mount Everest conquered by the Good Time Girls Of Duluth, Minnesota Quilter's Club!
A Gipper For A Kipper
Republicans pissed over President Barack Obama's joke of putting Ronald Reagan's photo on all food stamps.
We Have Been Punked
Both the Nielsen ratings and Gallup polls admit they have been making things up for nearly 40 years.
How To Kick That Habit!
Today's Ask The Doctor: Dear Doctor, why do my toes itch every time my chronically unemployed son-in-law walks by?
Hard Times Good For You?
Cheer up! Study of Great Depression shows hard times are good for your health. At this rate, we'll all live to be 200, but very very slim.
Snuggling With Pet Dangerous
Can snuggling up to your pet give you MRSA? And, what if it's a thirty-foot-long Boa Constrictor? Not good, say experts.
Book Reveals Why
New book reveals why women cry more than men, why horror films are scary, and why Barack Obama won't shut his yap about a health care bill every...single....day.
ICC Championship: New Zealand thump England
Tearful England captain blames it on Onions
"Nor Is He Snoopy"
My husband, my hero: Sarah Brown comes out fighting for her husband. "My husband is not a blockhead. That's his brother, Charlie, a Roundhead."
Blood From Turnips
Brown goes for broke with last-ditch bid to win over Britain's 'squeezed middle classes, squeezed upper classes and squeezed lower classes'.
Evil Bastard Peer in Second Home Scandal
Dark Lord Peter Mandelson has hit back at allegations of expenses fraud "a coffin is a legitimate second dwelling when I'm not hanging upside down in the Westminster Crypt" he hissed earlier today.
Mandelson / Antichrist linked ?
Peter Mandelson has today rebutted claims by his Barber that the numbers 666 found on his scalp are the number of the beast, "It's a reminder of my ATM PIN number" stated the evil fucker today.
Accident In W. Va.
One dead, 13 injured as AA member, who fell off the wagon in West Virginia, was ran over by a turnip truck which lost it's passengers.
It Doesn't Work
Poll: Nearly 25% of the people who voted for Obama, who previously voted for Bush, say they will never again change horseshit in midstream.
More Trouble For Madoff
PETA now after Bernie Madoff also after learning that he had stolen over one million dollars from Leona Helmsley's dog, Trouble.
Belts Let Out
Study: Both the Wheat Belt and The Bible Belt have let themselves out another notch. Washington Beltway expected to expand next.
Save Some $Millions
Hollywood directors and producers hire trainer for their own bomb-sniffing dogs. Woody Harrelson's next movie is the first victim.
Iraqi Soldiers Getting Smarter
Tricked suicide bomber blows up 21 stuffed dummies sitting near street wearing robes and turbans. Iraqi soldiers quickly stuff some more.
Scottish Crime at Lowest in 30 Years
Recorded crime in Scotland is at its lowest in 30 years - this is allegedly because the disk containing the records became so full that it got corrupted and police were unable to recover the data.
Local Cat Doesn't Give a Shit What You Say
Davenport native cat Mittens knows he shouldn't jump in your lap when you are eating, but then again hey, fuck you.
Washington Bails Out Detroit Again
Washington once again has helped a city down on it's luck with a track record of consistently poor management and rich, undeserving personnel when the Redskins lost to the Lions Sunday afternoon.
Changed His Tune
Last week at the U.N., Barack Obama told world leaders, "Don't expect the U.S. to solve all the world's problems." He then led a cheer of "No We Can't!"
Suckers Paying Him Again
Michael Moore's Indictment of Capitalism opens strong, bringing him in still another $5 million.
Watch The Other Guy's Texting
One in five U.S. drivers admits to texting while driving, one in ten, having sex.
Drunk On Board
Drunk who called flight steward a 'poof' is jailed. "It was just a sneeze!', claims Grant Smith, 36.
Brown Turns To Crime
Brown turns to crime as Labour falls to third place for first time in 27 years. "Although I plan to replace him, I hate to see anyone turn to crime", states one opponent.
I'd Say So
Eyewitnesses say Guinea soldiers fired at a rally killing at least 125 people. The reports emerged as the military leader Captain Camara admitted some of the security forces had lost control a bit.
Gorillas Tweeting
Tweeting Ugandan gorillas make friends online. 12-year-old male poses as 3, asks 2-year-old to meet him behind the tree.
O'Brien Back On "Tonight"
O'Brien back on 'Tonight,' joking about accident where he hit his head, suddenly yells AFLACK!! every ten minutes.
Is It Hot In Here?
Warmer weather threatens moose in Minnesota. Bullwinkle hospitalized with heatstroke.
Starbucks Goes Instant
Starbucks rolls out Via instant coffee nationwide. Instant coffee to begin with smaller $200 jars.
Limit De-Icing On Planes?
EPA seeks to limit plane deicing chemical runoff. Provide maps for all rivers that plane can land near airports.
Alzheimer's Walk A Success
Alzheimer's walk surpasses goal, raises over $43,000. Over 20 walkers still out there somewhere this morning.
Polanski Asks For Release
Court: Polanski appeals for release from custody. Offers solemn promise never to rape anymore 13-year-old girls.
Banks To Get FDIC Loans To Pay FDIC Fees?
FDIC expected to ask banks to prepay $36B in fees. Ask if they need a bailout on these.
Also Need The Cash
IAEA chief hails US, Russian move to cut nuclear weapons. some already spotted on ebay.
China Finds Dinosaur, Flees
China finds bird-like dinosaur with four wings. Only two make it back to report the creatures.
Brown Book Covers A Lot
New Dan Brown book: How many present-day members of Congress are Freemasons? Also, how many British leaders are members of the Hell-Fire Club? How many snake handlers in Appalachia? Sands in the sea?
And These Are Experts?
Experts: Religious life won't be the same after economic downturn, especially for those monks who took a vow of poverty.
PM Gordon Brown to fight anti social behaviour
He'll wear a mask and cape and be known as "The Masked Putty". He only comes out at night since daylight causes his face to melt. It's happened twice already; he's only 25
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