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Rating:

BBC News 24 to be renamed strictly come dancing

Presenter Bill Turnbull said "At least half of all our stories are about Strictly, so we felt we might as well change the name of our channel. We will now be rebranded as BBC News about Strictly 24/7"

written by I think I'm funny..., 27 September 2009
Rating:

Ken Livingston marries Ian Beale in Civil Partnership

Former mayor Ken Livingston married fictional Eastenders star Ian Beale in a civil partnership on Sunday. Reception and fist fights were held as tradition dictates, down the Queen Vic.

written by I think I'm funny..., 27 September 2009
Rating:

UK Police to sell stolen goods on eBay

Leicestershire Police said "It's OK when we do it!"

written by Frank Miller, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Farmer, Family Die Of Amway Poisoning

Cannibalistic farm family apparently used well-developed and enhanced daughter to draw in fat traveling salesmen.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

40,000 Teaching Assistants Axed!

Either 40,000 teaching assistants 'should be axed or free trips for Leader's eliminated, to save money', says leaked Government report. 40,000 teaching assistants axed!

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Need To Make Rockets More Sensitive

United States, British troops in Afghanistan say the Taliban have become smarter and have learned to catch drone rocket in big butterfly net and give it different instructions.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Mars Rover Excited!

NASA Headquarters at Houston reported this morning that the Mars Rover became very excited this morning after digging up a fire hydrant.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

John Phillips' old Scottish psychiatrist reveals why he slept with his daughter

"He was thinkin' with his dipstick."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Editors reveal that they dropped one chapter from the tell all book by Mackenzie Phillips

"We took out the part where she slept with MJ because he thought she looked like a boy."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Rumors denied about "Warehouse 13" television program

Producer says "we will not find Michael Jackson's nose and Barack Obama's birth certificate in upcoming episodes."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Pope has picture taken between Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson at Religious Summit

"I felt like the cream filling in an Oreo cookie."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Geologists determine that Grand Canyon was not really dug when a Jew dropped a penny in a gopher hole.

It was actually a dime.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Florida State Vows to Change Schedule Next Year After Recent Loss

"After losing two games to other Florida teams, next year we're only playing schools outside of the state."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Mackenzie Phillips Recieves Thanks From Group For Tell All Book

"We're just glad that butt ugly girl didn't put in any nude pictures of herself with her old fart, druggy daddy."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Woman implanted with wrong fertilized embryo gives birth

Asks hospital dietician "Am I supposed to feed this black baby chocolate milk?"

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Investigators report that Cow jumped over the moon

Dish cannot be reached for comment as it ran away with a spoon.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Quarterback Tim Tebow injured in victory against Kentucky

Without him, Florida projected to win the rest of their games by only 5 touchdowns.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Mackenzie Phillips Tell All Book About Sex With Father Becomes Bestseller

Unfortunately for local girls, bookstores in Arkansas have it in the "How To" section.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

MADD Joins With Another Organization

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers has now merged with Mothers Who Tell You That You Need To Wear Clean Underwear In Case You're In An Accident, a natural union.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Roman Polanski Arrested on 31 Year Old Sex With Minor Charge

Unfortunately, the victim now has Alzheimer's and can't remember the details.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

The Cat Is Back

Yusuf Islam, or the artist once known as Cat Stevens is on tour, has a new album out and shows critics that he can still lick his own butt.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

The Brady Bunch is now 40 years old

Cindy wants to know if she can stop wearing her hair in curls now.

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Step Sisters of Mackenzie Phillips Say She Warned Them About Dad's Sexual Abuse

"She taught us everything we need to know to please him and all his favorite positions."

written by Jalapenoman, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Tebow In Hospital

Quarterback Tim Tebow of #1 Florida was knocked out in game yesterday. In hospital this morning, he came back to consciousness just in time to hit the nurse in the hall with a perfect bedpan pass.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Great Pumpkin At The Mall

Shopping Malls, hoping to draw crowds any way they can, now have The Great Pumpkin for kids to sit in his lap and tell him what kind of candy they want for Halloween.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Consumer Confidence Still Lower

Consumer confidence still at an all-time low as several charities say they are suffering. "They're even taking the pennies out of our good luck wishing wells", stated one.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

New Health Book On Sex

According to a new health study, people are sexually active into their 90's or until male attendants tie their hands down in nursing facilities.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

All In The Family

New DNA testing proves that long war between the Hatfields and the McCoys in Kentucky/West Virginia was an inner family dispute, began by someone shooting Cousin Mother-In-Law.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

"Money Trick or Treat!"

A quick poll conducted a month before Halloween shows that the scariest costume for most kids is the Bernie Madoff mask.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Julia Child The Hero

In a full report, the CIA admits that the rumor of Julia Child once being a spy for the US during WWII is true. However, Hillary's story of Bosnian attack a complete crock of shit.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Not Listening To UN

Iran's President Ahmadinejad vowed this morning that Iran would be the first muslim country to put an armed terrorist into the earth's orbit.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Obama Spreading Flu?

President Barack Obama told supporters of health care plan yesterday to argue and get in their face, causing rapid spread of the Swine Flu.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

It Was Cold!

Stranded British explorer couple make break for safety in chilly Chile ice field after three days.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Brown's Lowest Ratin Yet?

Labour leadership's 'lost the will to live' says Darling as new poll shows Brown is now lower than, well, last week's poll of Brown.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Queues Snaking Around

Long queues are snaking around the block at a Birmingham museum where the The Staffordshire hoard of Anglo-Saxon gold is now on view. However those in line with the snakes are told to leave.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Obama Needs A Rest

Obama addresses people walking down the street while touring Washington DC on health care.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Retired People Need To Work

Social Security strained by early retirements. Retirees told to leave nursing homes and get back to work, sending their checks to Social Security.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Iran Bombs Iran

Iran test-fires short-range missiles. Missiles hit other short range missile site, hidden underground.

written by Bureau, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Gordon Brown says he does not roll over

But he does like to beg, play dead and have his tummy tickled. Also he catches frizbees in his mouth and can lick his own bollocks.

written by Frank Miller, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Burka "Lots Cheaper Than Plastic Surgery"

Islamic husbands report.

written by Blazing Saddle, 27 September 2009
Rating:

Sandwell Council Restates Nuclear Free Status

Thank fuck for that, says mad-eyed Iranian despot. One more bunch of defenceless twats.

written by Blazing Saddle, 27 September 2009
Rating:

PM Gordon Brown Being Shat Upon By Mangelson

But he's too thick to see through it.

written by Blazing Saddle, 27 September 2009
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