Spoof news snippets from Friday 16 October 2009
Joe Calzaghe cries like baby
Craig Revel Horwood makes Joe 'the Teddy Bear' Calzaghe, blubber like a baby, in strictly come bullying. Calzaghe senior wants 'duel at dawn'.
Prescott loves lard
John Prescott eschews health food for lard. 'I look good off it'. says rotund politician.
I think not, John boy. It'll kill you. Carry on!
Why, oh, why
Gateley dies of exhaustion after bed hopping nightmare. Hubby hugs boyfriend in french kiss consolation
Donald Trump - Patents "Tight Ass"
Cardiff Beauty Queen asks, "Is there nothing safe in Trump's hands?"
By Will-Power Alone; "Balloon Boy" Promises To Fix Welsh Economy
He might be only six years old, but even he knows what a twat job Rhodri Morgan did for the Welsh Economy.
Illegal Hare Cursing On The Rise
But lets face it, if you had a pack of dogs chasing you down you'd be cursing too.
Introducing Huw Lewis, Welsh Assembly Member
He would like to run Wales, but can't open his mail or his pants.
"Meeting of the Minds"
Just in: World Leaders and President Obama plan meeting at the "White Hart Inn" in Bedwas, Wales.
Gordon's Brown Eye To Get Special Treatment
Prime Minister Gordon Brown can't see. Lord Mandelson is an expert in opening up brown eye and hopes to ease Gordon's burden.
Revenge on garage mechanics.
Female shop assistants. When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
Motorway service station advice.
When visiting a Moto service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.
Old people get mugged for a lot not a little.
Pensioners please avoid being beaten black and blue for paltry amounts of money by carrying large sums of cash with you at all times.
Drunk drivers avoid losing your licence.
Drunk drivers when driving home from the pub,put 'L' plates on your car to convince police that any careless driving is the result of inexperience. How to explain a 3am driving lesson is up to you,
How to buy flowers without being called queer.
Gentlemen when coming out of a florists with a bunch of flowers, always punch the first person that you see to ensure that no one thinks you are gay.
Baseball cap numpties... look cool.
If your having trouble getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back.
Interview tip for the unemployed.
When asked if you have any questions at a job interview, increase your chances of getting the job by asking the interviewer, or the whole panel in turn where they get their hair cut.
Top Gear Presenters.
TOP GEAR sidekicks,take turns to suck Jeremy Clarkson's dick and lick his arsehole.It would save you having to learn lines every week, but it wouldn't change the basic concept of your job description.
Eco friendly lables please
Supermarkets were advised to save money on printing by labelling your 'Economy' goods 'Shit' instead.
Scrot bag warning.
Men are warned to avoid any unnecessary scrotal surgery by removing any genital piercings before using the 'Black Hole' water flume at Butlins, Bognor Regis.
Train Unharmed As Baby Carriage Blocks Line
A 250 tonne railway train today avoided disaster when a 200 kilogram 3-wheel offroad armoured baby carriage was thrown on the tracks. Driver says "vandals will cause catastrophe if this goes on"!
Tony Bliar Pays Respects To Saint's Relics
The former Prime Minister today prayed at the altar in St Paul's where the relics of St Jade the Goody were displayed for the last time. Says "She inspires me and many other chav-minded folk".
Italian Army Pays Taleban Not To Attack.
British army pays Taleban to attack Italians. Seems fair.
Postal Strike Called Off
Strike notices held up in mail by postal workers industrial action.
Madonna, Amy Winehouse & Janet Street-Porter In Nude Lesbian Love Scene
Now there's a picture in your mind that you didn't want!
Prime Minister Gordon Brown Is Nearly Blind
In a possible explanation for poor government, it has been disclosed that Mr Brown is suffering from rectal tears, caused by jamming his head up his arse. How this affects eyesight is not known.
Man Found Half-Naked, Drunk In Park
He was wearing a Manchester City replica shirt and had a ring of lipstick around his penis. A 12 inch pink dildo was found in his anus. To save his family embarrassment, police removed the shirt.
Phils Homer-Happy
Homer-happy Phils beat Dodgers 8-6 in NLCS opener as more "Doh's" heard from Dodger pitching than average The Simpsons episode.
Volunteers Needed
Obama and elder Bush team up on call to service. "More free volunteer workers can get these American businesses running again!", states the President.
Santa Changes Name
Santa Claus changes name to "Small-Print Clause" after all the lawsuits over lead toys last year.
Social Secrity Raises Dropped
Social Security freeze means seniors must scrimp, a part of the "death clause" in Obama's new health plan.
Tylenol Could Help Shots
Health authorities say giving babies Tylenol may blunt swine flu vaccines' effects. Also, to take infants to hospital immediately if there's a reaction to Tylenol.
Cutting Costs
Insurers dropping Chinese drywall policies plus life insurance policies on Somali pirates, Iraqi police informers.
FDA Doing Study
FDA to study negative effects of Lasik eye surgery as soon as they get the patches off.
Balloon Boy OK
The boy who vanished around the time that a homemade helium balloon floated away from his home, setting off a national uproar as authorities is OK, never left earth. "The aliens set me back down."
South/Southwest Helped More
Businesses in the South and Southwest benefited most from the first federal contracts awarded under President Barack Obama's stimulus program, according to businesses in the North and Northeast.
Earnhardt honored by NASCAR
Following the lead of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, NASCAR has decided to award this year's Sprint Cup Championship to Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Knife and Axe Merit Badge
The Scout Knife and Axe Merit badge will be renamed the Cutlery and Tomahawk Merit badge. The new politically correct name will protect kids against overzealous zero tolerance school administrators.
Sorry About That!
Rush Limbaugh won't be buying an interest in the St. Louis Rams franchise. Reverends Jackson and Sharpton are out as the new General Manager and Offensive Line Coach, respectively.
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