Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 14 October 2009
Friend of Recently Deceased Weirdo Wipes Man's Hard Drive
"It's what he would have wanted", said the friend.
Awww, Ain't that Cute?
A California woman who set the world record by giving birth to eight kids has taken in a baby monkey who nurses with them.
We're All Something-Headed!
Prince Harry has apologized once again, this time to the minister from Pakistan, for his recent remarks caught on tape about Pakis. Rag heads no worse than "red headed, like a dick on a dog!"
Michelle's Mother Would Kill Us!
Former President Bush's ratings are up to 39% as more comedy writers struggle with funny Obama insults.
May Shave Head!
John Edwards says he will not run for president in 2012. Cites 5% approval of women voters, down from 50% last year.
Obama Wins Another One!
President Barack Obama today won the $32Million Super Lotto!
Rush Limbaugh fills his pants while on the air. Brown liquid covers lens of Ditto-Cam!
"I Do That"
Hilary Clinton told a reporter that not only did she "misspoke" about Bosnian attack but also at her wedding with Bill.
Swine Flu Shot Side Effects
Woman claims Flu shot gave me a neurological disorder as she does the hokey pokey all over the waiting room at clinic.
Mudslide Menace Eases
Mudslide menace eases in California as storm weakens, fires go out, earthquakes settle down, Schwarzenegger kept off trampoline.
Britain May Add 500 Troops
Britain may offer 500 troops, with strings attached. "Nothing more than puppets", claims Taliban.
NKorean Dongs Down
Despite longer Dong Missile launches, North Korea seen as reaching, poking out a bit.
Quite Hurricane Season
Quiet Atlantic hurricane season is a boon for most insurers. "Personally I was all set for a bailout", states one.
Dow, Davy Jones Break Things
Dow Jones breaks through 10,000. Davy breaks through bedroom window with fist after rant over other members of the Monkees!
Pope sanctifies Obama
The Pope just announced the latest new Saints, and Barack Obama was at the top of the list. "It's a gesture of hope, that one day he will actually deserve it. Sorry, Mother Teresa. Not this time."
Mammoth Energy Deal
Russia, China are closer to Mammoth energy deal after huge prehistoric elephant graveyard, now turned to fossil fuel, discovered.
Infamous dictator, Spoofer Jesus Budda goes it alone!
Jesus Budda that infamous spoofer and weirdo, has broken ranks and set up his own "Spoofing Forum" the rest of the Spoof readership offered their condolences and said good fucking riddance!
Just Doesn't Add Up
Sluggish results seen in US student's math scores, visits to the school bathrooms.
Halo Over Moscow
Mystery 'Halo' cloud spotted over Moscow! "Shows that we are the good guys", claims Putin!
New Da Vinci Drawing?
Art Experts find possible new Leonardo Drawing stuck on old ice box door buried in basement.
British Union of Masturbators in Uproar
The British Union of Masturbators(B.U.M)is in uproar after Kandy Rain were sacked from the X Factor. Trout Bulging of B.U.M said, "We just can't bash one out over John & Edward, bring back the Rain!"
Gateley injuries Boxing related say Spanish Police
Jose Greazer Police Chief for Spanish Gay Matters has announced that Stephen Gateley's death may be boxing related, "We have ze evidence zat Stephen may have been battered in ze Ring!" he announced.
Cheney Helping Women Come Forth
New study reveals that over 300,000 women have came forward after VP Cheney shot hunter in the face, saying that they too have been shot in the face by their own husbands.
New Poetry Class For OJ?
Writer Maya Angelou is working on getting poetry clubs started in several of our nation's prisons. However, the idea thus far is 50/50 among Pros and Cons.
"Come Here, Turdhopper"
Most students of "Hung Pooh" say that it is the nastiest type of fighting they have ever encountered.
Most Popular Costume Different This Year
Most popular costume this year: One of a giant turd where you can fill in your own, "Hi, I'm ______" (Bernie Madoff, Simon Cowell, O.J.)
Looks Like Osama, Alright
Scientists say Hubble Telescope may have discovered Osama Bin Laden aboard international space station. Photos are being re-examined.
"I think I'm Clean!"
High School football captain's "If I were a woman, I'd have sex with any of you guys" panics rest of the team in the shower.
I'm Knoxed Up Again
Knoxville, Tennessee woman with 14 kids complains to neighbor that she spends her life tied down during the day and tied up at night.
Not Cliffy I Hope
Boston police arrest drunk pissing behind bar building who kept yelling, "Amber Alert! Amber Alert!" at passersby.
Wreck of Hesperus found in Lancashire canal
British Waterways chiefs were said to be agog at the news that the 'Wreck of the Hesperus' had been found lying in a shallow basin on the Leeds and Liverpool canal near Chorley, Lancashire, England.
Don't Poo Poo Voodoo!
Native head shrinking voodoo curse completely believed by those people with small minds.
Wreck of Hesperus found in Lancashire canal
British Waterways chiefs were said to be agog at the news that the 'Wreck of the Hesperus' had been found lying in a shallow basin on the Leeds and Liverpool canal near Chorley, Lancashire, England.
Calling Guinness Now
Missouri man who can put entire cantaloupe in his cheeks says he always did have a huge ass.
A Little Privacy Please
"The victim's family would like to be by themselves for awhile", announce reporters, cameramen, publicity agent, guy scheduled to play famous victim in upcoming movie.
"Look, One Wet My Pantleg"
"Attention WallyMart shoppers, there's a lady in aisle three that is asking for help in disciplining her completely wild two, three, five and seven-year-olds by getting them off the tops of shelves."
Medical Marijuana Restrictions Placed
New Medical Marijuana restrictions declared to be "Not Groovy", "Far Out" and "Bummer".
Extra Cleaners Hired
Theater managers complain that the scary movie, Paranormal Activity, is leaving theater seats in worse shape than viewings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Another GOP Embarrassment
Still another Republican politician caught in compromising position as photo snapped as he lay on the ground having been shot in the face while on bird hunt with Cheney.
Oldest Joke Discovered
It is dated by experts in 1224 BC, about a potatoe and a vice-chief in Brazil.
Three Necked, Also
Yet another lost tribe in the Amazon has proved a fake. Leader reveals they were approached in 1988 by the tabloids after three-headed baby giraffe born there.
Nope, Not Mine
Former President Bill Clinton receives old opened box of cigars from his desk by Obama aid. Clinton sniffed one and says they are not authentic.
New Movie Pushes a Head
Ted Williams frozen head to star in upcoming movie, "2010: A Face Odyssey".
But Not Salt!
Cut yourself? Tribal remedy of sprinkling SUGAR on wound heals it faster, especially with diabetics.
MI5 Paid Mussolini
MI5 paid Benito Mussolini '£6,000 a week' during World War I to peddle British propaganda, Hitler snubbed.
Pass The "Bong!" please.
New York family fined for setting dinner gong next to phone during dinner hours as thirty telemarketers now deaf in one ear.
Now We Get It!
Nobel Peace prize explains that President Obama received the award for his accomplishments. When asked what accomplishment, he answered, "Well for one thing, he's already won the Nobel Peace Prize!"
Another Madoff?
'Beano', or 'Little Bernie' the top City financier disappears amid allegations he owes investors £70million.
Fake Disabilities Revealed
Just one in six incapacity benefit claimants 'is genuine' as tough new test reveals TWO MILLION could be cheating, chopping off their toes at this very moment.
Robotic Prostrate Surgery
Robotic prostate surgery may mean big trade-off: Prostrate removal versus free membership in the Dead-Pecker Club.
No Longer Amused
National Amusements sell shares of Viacom, CBS. "We are no longer amused at huge loses", says spokesman.
Apparently There Is Some Stress Involved
VA to ease way for vets to get stress disability. "NOW you help us", say 40-year depressed Korean, Vietnam vets.
Those Other Billionaires Wrong
Dem foe says billionaire NYC mayor buys support, "unlike our Kennedy's from Massachusetts."
Kim Wants Duck At Conference
US-NKorea talks hinge on renewed six-party process involving Kim's favorite Warner Brothers star, Daffy Duck. Joe Biden heading there in duck outfit.
First Things First!
House panel to begin push on financial overhaul. "First of all, we all get a raise", panel sends out word.
California Mud Victims
A storm packing strong winds & rain drenched fire-scarred hillsides around California as residents from north to south braced for possible mudslides. "First politicians, now this!", say mud victims.
B Vitamins Don't Help heart?
No evidence B vitamins protect the heart. Might as well dump all those foods with B vitamins say authorities.
Low In Colorado
Colorado minimum wage to drop as living costs fall, after reaching a Colorado Mountain High!
Moon's Mass Wedding
Rev. Wed performs biggest mass mooning in decade. I'm sorry, that should be Moon performs biggest mass wedding in ten years.
First Grader's Suspension Withdrawn
Delaware 1st grader has 45-day suspension for taking camp spoof, knife gadget to school lifted after agreeing to public service work, dusting erasers.
Guv's Wife Breaks New Law
Schwarzenegger to Shriver: Put down the cell phone while driving. Shriver: Enjoy your night on the couch.(Click)
Nobel Jury Defends Goofball Award
In rare public comments, Nobel jury defends Obama pick. "We thought giving this Award to him would make us popular too."
Afghan Corruption Brings Worries
Afghan corruption worries US Military Chief McChrystal. "Te politicians here are almost as corrupt as those in the US."
Swine Flu Hits Health Care Talks
Health care talks slip back behind closed doors as Senate leaders try to merge very different bills into a new version that can get the votes needed to guarantee its passage, isolated with Swine Flu!
Obama Wasn't Born In The USA - Nor Was He Born On The Third Rock From The Sun
"It's kind of funny," said Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City, "There are folks complaining that Obama was not born in the USA when in fact Obama was not born on the Earth at all!"
Stephen Gately Died by Natural Causes
Tabloid press forced to shelve whole week's planned news stories.
SNL: No More Humor
Saturday Night Live has decided to drop it's humor format and go straight to campaigning for Obama's health care plan.
Heckle and Jeckle Find a Cause
Reverends Jackson and Sharpton, two lame ducks, have found a cause. The two old crows are grousing about Rush Limbaugh, possibly buying the Rams football franchise. They both deserve to get the bird!
Silence at the United Nations
UN approves of homicide car bombs as the weapon of choice for terrorists by being silent! The UN Human Rights Council doesn't get upset when innocent civilians are murdered in this manner.
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