Spoof news snippets from Monday 9 November 2009
Sarah Palin Effect
A new 2008 poll update shows that in the presidential election, "Kiss my ass everyone of you" jumped from 35th to 24th place. Speculate having Sarah Palin on the ballot.
A Little Help From My Friends
Two well-known actors who have been visiting Bernie Madoff regularly even though he stole money from them. However, told to leave today after guard sees one slip bottle of Viagra pills to cellmate.
Floridian Falls Off Playground Equipment
An octogenarian in Newport Richey, Florida has died during his second childhood, after falling off the teeter totter early this morning.
Pills: Longer In The Sack
Pills Promising "Longer In The Sack" not being bought by women who say they hate having to wear those old sacks to bed.
Top cosmetologists, make-up experts to participate in first ever "Ms. Grandma America" contest.
Too Fat To Reach Them
Senate Health Care Bill now mandates that insurance companies pay for toenail clipping surgery.
Waste Of Time If It's The End
UN climate studies with top 100 scientists, meteorologists, put on hold until we see what Mayan calender prediction does.
Unemployment Rates Really Up
Actual jobless rate in the US put at 17.5%, if you count all those politicians who don't do shit.
International teachers teaching in the Philippines beware, heads are rolling!
Philippinian kidnappers targeting teachers desire only one thing, their heads! Heads must roll, there's loads of money depending on them and we need fresh heads for our new rage game, "Headball"
Intact Pirate Ship Found
Early last week an intact pirate ship was found offshore Texas. Not only was the ship around 200 years old, the grim crew all believed it to be 1827 and forced a sherriff's deputy to walk the plank.
New book out: I frown on Depression
Jan Stallings, president of Kentucky's chapter of M.A.D.
(Mothers Against Depression) tells a superb story of wit and intrigue in her new book, I Frown on Depression. Hard covers go on retail friday.
Mother Of All Food Fights
More than two dozen students were slapped with criminal charges in connection with a food fight in the cafeteria at a Chicago charter school. One concussion from stale bread roll.
Germany to build a new "Berlin Super Wall"
Germany with support from the EU will build a brand, spanking new Berlin Wall stretching from the Baltic to the Mediterranean. "We must keep ze scum out" and the rest of the West heartily agreed!
So What's The Problem?
CBS was accused today of making up outlandish headlines to draw more viewers, due to low Evening News ratings. Defending themselves, CBS claim they get their news hourly fresh from TheSpoof!
South Leads Nation
A new study by "Southern Living" shows that people living in the southern United States are the "biggest" victims of the "Yo Mama!" jokes!
Yet Another Wall Torn Down
People in Nogales, Arizona say that Mexicans across the border tore down a wall they built, celebrating with Berlin. Now there's only the one in White House between Obama and Michelle's mother.
"Beep Beep! Oink! Oink!"
According to the National Truth Tattler, Aliens claim they were probed by Louisiana backwoodsmen!
Gold Up, Dollar Down!
Gold hits a record high and the U.S. dollar hits area "below the belt"
Store Robbed By Man In Ski Mask
Armed Man in ski mask robs ski outfitters in Salinas, California. Police warn that this could be a trend as among things stolen were ski masks.
Dolphin Extremists Kill On Porpoise
Mysterious porpoise deaths blamed on berserk dolphins as sea civil war may be at hand.
Don't Break Down Swiftly
CAT Scans at hospitals during Halloween show three week old ding dongs still in some kid's stomachs.
US President's Fury Over Gordon Brown's Personal Letter
US President, Barak Obama, was said to be furious when he received a personal letter full of spelling mistakes from the British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown this morning. It read "Dear Mr obummer,"
Palin: It's A Lie!
Sarah Palin says that, although she DID call Africa a country, she did NOT say that it was ruled by Tarzan and First Lady, Jane.
Lot Of Policemen Ill
One in 14 police officers are too ill to go out on the beat. "I'll kill the next jaywalker I see", says overworked cop on leave.
98-Year-Old Brit Divorces Husband
British couple are oldest in the world to divorce at age 98 - but man dies before he can enjoy the single life. "Boys", stated widow to the press, "I'm available again!"
Many Germans Remember
Twenty years on, many Germans remember the fall of the Berlin Wall! Many say they were totally drunk after hearing the news and missed the event.
Chinese Stimulus Package Issued
China announces $500 million stimulus plan to help out badly damaged lead industry.
Iran Demands US Allow UN Inspectors
Iran says the United States must allow UN inspectors in or face their new nuclear arsenal.
First Gay Shotgun Wedding
First Shotgun Gay Wedding in West Virginia! "That rascal gave my boy the hemorrhoids bad!"
Spare A Square?
Experts: Huge Swine Flu outbreak could change world monetary unit from dollars to toilet paper squares.
Woman Has Fear of Vegetables
It has been reported that a woman who discovered that she has a fear of vegetables worked in the Intensive Care Unit at a Portsmouth hospital.
Mother, Toddler Ordered Off Bus!
Driver 'orders mother and toddler off empty bus in heavy rain'
Admits he loves to nap while hearing rain hitting a metal roof.
Army of 'citizen snoopers' recruited by council to spy on neighbours, run off undesirables.
No More "Gang Rape"
PC brigade ban police from saying 'gang rape' as it is 'too emotive' Must change it to "group movement in the wrong direction".
Skinhead Tells Story
Skinhead arrested for burglary tells courtroom that, "It all started with this barber on Arbor Street.
"There No Women Robots, Joe"
First robot with a human heart rusts itself over crying, pissing jag at a local bar.
Clowns Gaining Weight Also
Clown cars to come before congressional committee to ask for major pullout!
President takes fake call from half-brother in Kenya until he hears laughter from mother-in-law in background.
More Walls Attacked
Palestinians who knocked down parts of Israeli, Egyptian walls yesterday say they were only celebrating with Berlin.
Simon and Schuster makes big cutback by laying off Schuster, Simon's hours cut.
House Bill Stolen
House Health Bill headed for Senate held up and robbed by "Patriots"
Torched Her House
Single mother torched her council house 'so she can get one nearer mother asked if her mum would like the next cell.
Big Brother Everywhere
Mother trailed by policeman and warned by council for telling off son at checkout, asks them if they had rather she let them leave with goods she told them to put back on shelves.
Screwed That Up!
Brown apologises to mother of dead British soldier for spelling Sgt. Buck's name wrong in 'dashed off' condolence letter.
Driver suspected in Bank of France van heist as police became suspicious when he drove away someone else's van.
Saints Still Perfect
Saints go to 8-0 with 30-20 win over Panthers with two late marches into end zone.
Cruise Has Less H1N1 Cases?
Royal Caribbean exec says few H1N1 incidents but hard to tell among over 200 sea sick.
Book Fair Toned Down
Less topless women throwing beads, loud music but big Miami book fair goes on!
Only $31 Million? Bah! Humbug!
Carrey's 'Christmas Carol' wraps up $31M weekend but underpays employees, works them longer hours.
Cadbury Bunnies Had Enough?
Deadline looms for Kraft to make Cadbury bid as bunnies threaten walkout before Easter.
New Iraq Election Law
Obama calls new election law a tombstone for Iraq. Excuse me, that should be "milestone".
Formal Charges In Seattle
Formal charges expected in Seattle murder as attorneys told to wear black tie and tux.
Ida Flees Before Storm
Hurricane warnings for US Gulf Coast for Ida..also John, Marge, Feebleblister family, anyone else in the area.
Trend's Still Holding
Many parking tickets are still going unpaid. Pope still Catholic!
Rachel Ray Helps Town
TV star Rachael Ray helps reeling Ohio town. Asks friend Kirsie Alley to come help hold it down.
Laymakers Visit School Lunchrooms Concerning E.coli Outbreak
Lawmaker doing probe of E. coli and school lunches find kitchens with badly refrigerated food, big stash of weapons.
No More "On The Scene" Visits
High court to look at life in prison for juveniles, Judge Thomas nearly raped as others leave looking badly shaken.
Fall Of The Wall
Germany celebrates fall of Berlin Wall by building another one and destroying it.
Bill Unpopular In Senate
House health bill unacceptable to many in Senate because of their age, the would be first on death list!
Fort Hood Soldiers Returning
Resolute Fort Hood soldiers ready for return, pull the plug on their attacker.
Ida Hurricane Late
Hurricane warnings for US Gulf Coast for Ida. "Ida thought the season would be over by now", says old timer. while looking at his watch.
Health Bill Unpopular In Senate
House health bill unacceptable to many in Senate, especially that it would no longer pay health insurance for mistresses.
Millionth Morris minor Fails to sell
The millionth Morris Minor to come off the production line failed to reach its reserve price of £25,000 today. A spokesman said; "The owner might have got more from the government scrappage scheme!"
New Camera Explodes
New thermal-imaging camera that can spot liars explodes in first appearance before congressional committee. Passes test.
Flames A Lot Lower
Crematorium say the final flames of Pavarotti should be give a couple more weeks yet. "We'll let you know. This will cost extra."
He's All Heart
After Yankees win the World Series, a crying emotional George Steinbrunner asks Yogi Berra to bungle a few words, fires Billy Martin and asks George Constanza to come back to work!
It's Getting Spooky
People beginning to get a little more panicky as Mayay Calendar predicted that the New York Giants would win first six games and then lose four in a row.
Leno Moving Again?
After the latest ratings, Jay Leno may get his show moved to the much coveted 2 AM slot.
Karzai The Official Winner
The Florida Supreme Court has declared Hamid Karzai the winner of the presidential election in Afghanistan.
String Theory Updated
The latest on the String Theory is that the earth is ran mostly by a bunch of yoyos.
Pre-census group reports that they're yet to find anybody in Montana.
Up Two More Points In Last Hour
Dow Jones averages, Amy Winehouses newest set of hooters up nearly ten percent since this time last year.
Tipper Late Again!
In Crossville, Tennessee Tipper Gore was late for her dental appointment after once again having to stop and shoo the pigeons off her husband, Al.
Kids Back In School
The National Safety Council warns everyone that Fall break is over & be sure to watch out for school children, especially if there's a large lump under their sweaters around the shoulder front.
In Local News
In Chicago, man tells 6 O'Clock News that he's bi-polar. "I love male polar bears as much as the females. Hard to tell them apart, actually. Sort of like the Missus & her brother, Pat.
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