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Rating:

What It Takes to Wake a Man

A new study shows that a man is more likely to be awakened by the sound of buzzing flies than crying babies - especially if the buzzing flies are on his trousers.

written by IN SEINE, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Manson Breakthrough

Charles Manson seems to be improving a little after all these years. Yesterday, he was able to put two sentences together about the same subject within ten minutes.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

People Working Into Old Age

A new study reveals that Americans are working later into life. Most credit responsible people who love their job. Wolf at the door.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

"Live Long And Proper" Misquoted

Leonard Nimoy reveals secret to Vulcan salute: In the '60's we had it planned to be, "Turn on, Tune in, Drop out" but Timothy Leary slipped into the studio early on.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Danica Patrick Ready

After coming out third in last year's Indy race, Danica Patrick says she will do even better after replacing that grab ass pit crew she had then.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

The Frogfoot Murders

Police in Monkey's Balls, Ky say that early report that the victim was found buried in a shallow grave was incorrect. Actually he was upside down with frogfeet into the air, a mark of this artist."

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Safety Equipment Obsolete?

A new study reveals that seat and shoulder belt or even air bags are becoming outdated as American bellies propped on steering wheels now would cushion crash. Perhaps, Ait Belts!

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Obama's Insider Speech

Obama: Can we kep the American public's eyes off the details of the government taking over who they sleep with?

Nancy Pelosi: "Yes We Can!"

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

If The World Developed Haemorrhoids...

They'd surely be in Springfield Illinois. Home of the World's biggest ass hole.

written by Skoob1999, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Chris Brown To Perform In Springfield, Illinois

Rihanna's ex-boyfriend, Chris Brown to perform at Springfield's 'Wife Batterers Festival.' He said the only reason he's performing there is because no one else wants to hire his woman-beating ass.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Springfield, Illinois' New Town Slogan

The Springfield city council upset that the town has become known as "The Wife Beating Capital of The U.S." has hired a public relations firm to change that image. The new slogan, "Duck Bitch!"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Couples Are Flocking Out Of Springfield, Illinois

Due to the fact that Springfield, Illinois has been named "The Wife Beating Capital of The U.S." thousands of couples have decided to move to Indiana.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Preacher Gone Wild

Girls Gone Wild video found in North Carolina preacher's video collection. Claims he had to watch it in order to know what to preach against.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Chinese Disney In The Works

Chinese plans for a Disney World franchise in the works. "Mr. Dong's Ride" expected to be the biggest hit.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Probably Won't Help

John Gray, writer of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" writing new book for teens. "Men & Women Are From Women"

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

English Class Lesson

Teacher at school tells class T.S. Elliot was wrong. With a the number of obese people 'growing' daily, the world might not end with a whimper but a whopper.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Viagra Up

Pfizer has announced that the price of it's ED product, Viagra, is set to rise again. "'South' finally rose again" jokes CEO.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Several Obits Today

Munchkin is dead! Nobody seems to know what his real name was as he came to small Georgia town nearly 30 years ago. He also smoked so much pot that even he had forgotten who he was. Lived on snacks.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Blowhole Dead

Blowhole the Clown has died. Officials at Florida's winter home for Ringling Brothers/Barnum & Bailey Circus says Blowhole will be the 19th clown buried in a small car at a nearby cemetery.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Police Sale For Orphanage Saturday

Police donate confiscated items to be sold at one day sale to raise funds for the local orphanage. Up for sale are 3 lions, 1 cheetah, 2 complete meth labs, 44 marijuana plants, among other items.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Cheney On TV

Dick Cheney will appear on this weekend's Face The Nation where he will attempt to shoot the nation in the face.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Obama's Week Nightly Address Special

President-elect Barack Obama has announced that he will use this week's Wednesday night address to do hand puppets for the kiddies, featuring King Obama The Wonderful.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Nest Egg Swallowed

A kid's pet boa has swallowed the family's nest egg, kept in a small chest. "We think Ben will be OK", says kid's dad. "I don't know why you put an egg away for hard times anyway. Probably spoiled."

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Bathrooms Still Backed Up

The most popular item at President Obama's Washington party last week that served the foods from many countries: Imodium AD.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Suddenly Became A "Leaner"

A Boone County, Arkansas Chicken Festival goer nearly gets his silly neck rung accidentally after wandering in front of a horseshoe pitcher.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Air Force Hardly Trying Anymore

The United States Air Force has stated this morning that the UFO reported by many last night in the sky over Manhattan last night was swamp gas.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Commode Was Really Stopped Up!

Fat lady in New Jersey apartment finally freed by Fire Department after madly plumbing downstairs resident plunges her ass tightly into commode. "I was nearly suctioned to death", she tells rescuers.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Never Smelled Anything Like It

New York subway closed until all-clear given, after sewer worker steps on the third rail. Over 500 sick from smell on train.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

One Used At Official Functions

Be sure to catch "Geraldo Knows" tonight on the PBS winter fundraisers. Tonight, Geraldo will reveal the exact location of Osama Bin Laden's dress turban.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Can Transport Up To 2,000

American Airlines has announced, that in order to cut costs, they are offering 50% cuts for those passengers who fly in lawn chairs $ helium balloons pulled by a helicopter. Must furnish own chairs.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Trump Much Eased

Doctors in New York City were able to give Donald Trump some good news yesterday. Apparently, all those voices he's been hearing in his head is that thing on his head picking up the Howard Stern Show.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Michelle's Mother Speaks Her Mind

Obama's Mother-In-Law told a reporter this morning that the so-called Beer Conference" sounded more like a farting contest.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Can't Identify Himself

Alzheimers patient who was apparently a identity thief, says he has no idea who he was, let alone who he is.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Saddam Still Silent

Psychics all over the world say they're having trouble getting into contact and channeling Saddam Hussein after hanging death. Keep getting Indian Guide, "Grass Hopper".

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Together, They Were Completely Nuts

An account from a German Army medic from the 1940's has confirmed the often rumored fact that Hitler had only one nut & that Joseph Goebbels served as the other.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

New GPS System Monitors Whereabouts!

Saudi Arabia has passed a new law prohibiting women from getting within 1,000 miles of a pantyless Britney Spears.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Old Man At Ford Clinic

An old man in a dirty long raincoat has checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic explaining that he has now addicted to having people kick him in the balls. "I guess I'm one of those 'machinists'."

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Another Clown Shoe-Bomber Caught

Clown arrested at Kennedy Airport in NYC after hiding two nuclear missiles in his shoes.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Those Freud's Still At It!

The widow of Sigmund Freud's grandson, Sir Clement Freud says that her husband was examining the sexual relationship of gas nozzle into car while smoking a cigarette.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Bruce Still Lost

Bruce Springsteen bellowed "Hello, Ohio!" to his fans in Canada. "I'm glad to be back in Australia!"

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

"Bullies" Need Hiding

Dinner lady sacked for exposing bullies loses fight to save job. "Should have kept her blouse buttoned", states Judge who somehow misunderstood the case.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Thatcher Stayed Awake

Sleepless Margaret Thatcher 'stayed up for entire Falklands War' which lasted over 36 hours.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Gore On The Floor, Head Covered

U-turn on climate change 'cover up' as university says it will publish leaked email data. Al Gore puts fingers in his ears, goes "Naaaaaa!"

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Big Bother Is Here!

All homes to get 'smart' power meters that measure exact energy use, even during sex.


written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

New Brit Show Cancelled

New British reality show "Who Wants To Be Named & Shamed?" not making it.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

"Named & Shamed" List Grows

Named and shamed: Britain's 12 worst hospitals (all passed as good or excellent by health watchdog, hospital cat)

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

"My Time To Sat It"

Pakistan must do more to tackle Al Qaeda and 'take out' Osama Bin Laden, says Brown, and at least two dozen other leaders over the past eight years.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

He Was An Easy Touch

Boris' shamed deputy admits he had sex with a Chinese, Russian, Ukrainian, North Korean, Venezuelan, Cuban, Iranian spy.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

"Tiger's Mistress" Denies Rumors

I have never sex-tested, says club hostess who denies claims of affair with Tiger Woods as police seek to quiz him over crash. Police think she meant, "sex-texted".

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

US nearly caught Bin Laden after he shook hands with Bush!

US admit they nearly had Bin Laden whilst shaking hands with George Bush, but Georgie pardoned him (fucking idiot!) and he "done a runner!"

written by Jaggedone, 29 November 2009
Rating:

"Bank Error In Your Favor", Or That Crook Behind You

Man robbed of $2 million bank withdrawal claims that he only had $2500. Was trying to withdraw $200.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Tiger Woods in crash as he fails to "Hole in one!"

Tiger Woods has crashed his golf buggy on the 18th, his missus wanted to putt his bleeding head but missed and then she kicked him in his black COHONES, it's tough being a married SUPERSTAR!

written by Jaggedone, 29 November 2009
Rating:

WHO About Flu

WHO says Tamiflu still works against swine flu, destroying musical instruments on stage.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Not My Fault

Study: Almost half of all U.S. kids will be on food stamps at some time during childhood. President Obama blames 17% unemployment on every President before him.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Swine Flu Outbreak At Mecca?

Hajj devil stoning ritual biggest ever on Mecca voyage. "Need to be stoning Swine Flu", states doctor in crowd.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Haven't The Hang Of It!

Venezuela turns to cloud-seeding to battle drought. Keeps flooding Columbia instead.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Lots Of Misunderstandings About

Bernanke makes case for strong Fed to roll down banks. Sorry, that should be, role on banks. Thought they were fed too much and were obese.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Ghost Of Capote In Kansas

Shootings leave 3 dead, 1 wounded in eastern Kansas as the ghost of Truman Capote seen haunting the area.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Pakistanis Against President

Pakistan opposition urges president to give up powers, not to be messing with The Dark Side!

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Windbags In Washington

Harnessing wind viable possibility in the country as this year an election year nationally.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

More Foreclosures?

Administration plans new efforts on foreclosures. Have appointed Snidely Whiplash to kick families, Little Nell, out of homes.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Pussy Cat Woods?

The waiting continues with Tiger Woods as police seek his story f what happened. Suspect that he is embarrassed that wife beat him up.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Bin Laden Was Withing Grasp

Senate report: Bin Laden was 'within our grasp' but he slipped away and scored another touchdown. Blame referees for not blowing the whistle.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Al Gore happy at polar bear deaths

Upon hearing that arctic ice was so thin that bears were not able to stand on it, and even eating baby bear cubs to survive, Al Gore laughed in delight. "See", he said, "This proves I was right!".

written by Alexandria177, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Tiger Woods delays police

Tiger Woods still won't talk to police, but this is believed to be because he is a billionaire and so does not have to. If it was you, you'd have already talked to them, and been railroaded by now.

written by Alexandria177, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Dubai In Deeper Water

Dubai in deep water as ripples from debt crisis spread. Al Gore blames...never mind.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Neanderthals Bred With Humans

New evidence suggests Neanderthals once bred with humans, which they all called "George".

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

A Big Disappointment

Taliban religious leader says that last suicide bomber appeared in vision to him, saying there is not even any virgin olive oil up here.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Dwarf Bowling!

Although Dwarf Bowling is definitely out during Olympics in Britain, frozen turkey bowling still being considered.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Obama On Nightly Speech

Obama stil trying to make up mind over troops to Afghanistan.
"When it comes to making decisions about war, there is no magic bullet," President tells American audience on nightly show.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Bees Dying Out!

Experts say the disappearance of honey bees due to changes in the climate, new pests, loss of King Bee, John Belushi from Killer Bee Episodes on SNL.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
Rating:

Fat Chance!

Obese man in London breaks leg while attempting to hang himself after his leg goes through the chair bottom, then pulls ceiling in with rope.

written by Bureau, 29 November 2009
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