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Rating:

German Thief Steals Circus Van

A German thief stole a circus van, only to discover that it was carrying a ferocious lion. He quickly abandoned the vehicle only to be told by a traffic warden "You can't leave that lion around here!"

written by IN SEINE, 12 November 2009
Rating:

NHS Nurses Need to Be Well Qualified

Due to European law, a new nurse has to have a degree in Art. This is so that she will be able to draw blood.

written by IN SEINE, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Oldest Couple Divorce

A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce as they are both 98 years old. "I thought she died years ago", stated husband. "I can't hear shit. Where's my white cane?"

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"Where's The Old Lady?"

Police order Pee Wee Herman in a red wig with pigtails to go with them. "No, you are not Wendy and we are not interested in the location of your beef."

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Scientists Taking A Second Loch

Fossil from northeastern Columbia reveals the biggest snake ever discovered, a monster over 45 feet long and probably weighing more than 2500 pounds. Word interpreted as "Bessie" found under it.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Stores Battling For Shoppers

Wives are complaining to police that some stores are using real models as store window dummies & luring husbands into store by staff changing their outfits every couple of hours.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"It's The End Of The World"

The NOP&P (National Order Of Physics And Prophets) said today that the Mayan Calendar was misinterpreted & that the world ended when Miss Skeeter Davis lost her love back in 1963.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

FBI Destroy Package

FBI agents blow up mysterious small box found on the floor of the US Senate today. "It was full of rubbers and little purple pills", stated an FBI spokesman. "Apparently, it was a stimulus package."

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Pelosi Better Than Hillary

Senate leader Harry Reid stated today that Nancy Pelosi is doing a better job than Hillary Clinton. Then asks Pelosi, "Now can I have them back?"

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"Whoever's Arrested Here..."

Dozen hookers arrested in Las Vegas for not being licensed are now doing time on a stem cell research project.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Lake Wobegon Nudist Colony

Al Gore's latest rant about global warming "with nudist colonies as far north as International Falls" only brings "Yah? Ohhhh, Yaaah!"

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

GAYPHOBIA STRIKES Spoof writers!

No, not Mexican Swine flu but a much more devastating bacteria has struck the spoof writers called GAYPHOBIA, for cures read accompanying Spoof and never inject with filthy, second hand needles!

written by Jaggedone, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Flener Wins Air Guitar Contest

One Jamie Flener of Nashville wins Air Guitar contest after smashing his guitar after playing "Raunchy" and letting go a long loud fart at the end.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Obama Looking Better

President Obama seemed to be looking better today and gaining back a little weight. Also, for some reason, he's named Bob Dole the "Penis Czar".

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Obama Issues Pardons

President Obama told reporters that he had issued several pardons already while in office, most of them during the beer conferences.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Meet A Lot Of Midgets This Way

Makers of Two-Buck Chuck Wine would like to remind everyone not to drive anywhere at all during the coming holidays. "Crawling would be safer. Three of our labels gets you $4 discount on knee pads."

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Could Have Done Farts Also

At National Fundraiser, Senator Larry Craig amazed the audience after being able to identify every person in Congress by only seeing their shoes.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Guards Allowed Aliens In

Border guards in Texas fined for allowing illegal aliens to fly UFO over the fence.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Happy Bidet, Mikey!

Congratulations on your Successful Hemorrhoid Surgery.

written by Adam Click, 12 November 2009
Rating:

UK Expecting Rain

When the rain finally stops, there will be more rain. And after that, it will rain again. Probably. Outlook: Rain. Then more rain. Followed by rain. Then more rain...Ad infinitum.

written by Skoob1999, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Following the safety scares about pushchairs...

It's good to see that Maclaren finally got their finger out.

written by Roy Turse, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Smelling: The Best Test

The key to preserving the old, degrading paper of treasured, aging books is contained in the smell of their pages, say scientists. Same thing true for hooker's armpits.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Ivory Thefts Up

Crime rings boost ivory smuggling. Study says over 2,000 elephants, old Kimball pianos, went missing in 2008.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Guilty But High

The US parents who triggered a major alert by claiming their six-year-old son was adrift in a helium balloon are to admit charges, their lawyer says. Claim they were high on balloon leak.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Police Used Wrong Terms

Anger as judge caught drunk behind the wheel with half-full bottle of vodka escapes jail by arguing that it was half-full.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Cornwall In Space

Cornwall to introduce bilingual street signs featuring several languages, including Klingon.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"The Plane! The Plane!

Passenger plane to be crashed in desert for Channel 4 documentary. Passengers will be unemployed Village Idiots.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"Timber!..I Mean, Four!"

Gnawing problem for golf course: A very eager beaver leaves a trail of destruction after escaping from wildlife park. "The little nibblet nibbled down at least a dozen trees", says official.


written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"Nope, Your Belly's Big!"

Fat mothers-to-be banned from giving birth at their local hospital. From now on, only skinny pregnant mothers-to-be allowed.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Canned Food Deadly?

Consumer Reports: Most Canned Foods Contain Deadly Chemical! We apoligize for late report, originally scheduled to be released in 1895.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Given "Third Degree" Before Hiring

All new nurses will need to have degrees to work for the NHS
or at least be able to read a thermometer.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Police Learning To Ride Bikes, Tie Shoelaces

Police officers get 93-page guide on how to ride a bike, last ten pages showing how to ride without hands and shouting at Mum to come see!

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

But Avoids Gang Violence

Mother caught feeding ducks fined £75 for littering, stopping to say hello to neighbor met on street for loitering.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Grinch's Heart Back To Small

Royal Mail manager 'stole cash from children's birthday cards', 'Get Well' cards to white out and reuse.


written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Abdullah Abdullah Denies Charges, Denies Charges

Afghani President Karzia states that opponent Abdullah Abdullah encourage his followers to vote twice, once for each Abdullah.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Hubby Hauled Away

Wife snares paedophile husband by posing as online schoolgirl using computer in room next door. Then she wore pigtails to meet him with police officers at park.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Mini-Dress Student Back

Mini-dress student readmitted to university but must wear shorts!

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

New cruise Ship Late

Alabama city's new cruise ship arrives a day late, a dinner short!

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Aerosmith Shutdown

Perry: Lead singer Steven Tyler is taking time off from Aerosmith to try to remember who he is.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Pfizer Studies Misleading

Review: FDA reports on Pfizer drug studies say they are are misleading. Promise they will begin new set of misleading studies almost immediately.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Brown Pelicans No Longer Endangered

Government says brown pelicans are endangered no longer. One board member immediately places call to Cheney.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Now Seeking "Levi" Gene.

So-called "Simmons" Gene found that seems key in evolution of speech, due to length of tongues.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

New Dinosaur Discovered

Scientists: New dinosaur species found in South Africa. Two-foot tall Cruisasaurus managed to be overlooked when others died out.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Once They're All Gone, Look Out!

Wal-Mart posts 3 percent rise in profit for 3Q. Credits forcing everybody else out of business by temporary low prices.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Obama On Iraq: We Must Pass Healthcare

Unions prod Obama to fix ailing airline industry but told that he's got his mind on health care reform. Wars, econom, high food prices, Joe Biden seen streaking in park, will have to wait.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Tyson Scuffle At Airport

Police: Mike Tyson in scuffle at LA airport. Three taken to nearby hospitals with ear injuries.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Somali Judge Killed

Somali judge who jailed pirates, insurgents killed. Found hanging at the yardarm.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Brazil Blackout

Blackout, stores all being empty when lights came back on, raises fears about Brazil infrastructure.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Americans Spending Less

Americans may be settling into spending less. Experts say they believe it is because they have less to spend.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Seniors In Health Care Bill Are Wary

Work under way for seniors project in health care bill. "Oh, they'll be taken care of alright", says President.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

No Kayne Show This Time

Taylor's turn: Swift wins entertainer of the year. This time a guard comes out with her to be sure no one interferes.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Family Dinner Distractions

AP poll: Family dinner survives, with distractions. "Honey, the dog is humping my leg under the table again."

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

A Little Strange But Aren't We All?

Shooting suspect's superiors questioned behavior, such as shooting targets with Bush, Obama photos.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Gay Mormons Get Rights

Salt Lake OKs gay rights laws with Mormon backing as first gay polygamist family has over 100 in it and growing.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

End Of Life Decisions Seldom Made

Few Americans make end-of-life wishes known, except the "I don't want to die!" thing.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Dobbs Leaving CNN

Lou Dobbs leaving CNN for 'new opportunities' at Bravo, The Cartoon Network.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Foreclosures Dip, Doodle

Foreclosures dip 3 pct. in October from September plus most families removed from homes being placed in FEMA type trailers!

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Obama, The Most Powerful

Obama tops Forbes list of world's most powerful people. He's closely followed by Oprah, Simon Cowell.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Obama Stalls Afghan Decision Again

Official: Obama wants revised Afghan war options, to narrow it down to the top 100 and think about it some more.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Once So Peaceful Here!

New WalMart completed near civil war battleground will feature workers in 1860's style outfits, fire off a cannon every hour on the hour, with boy burglars announcing items on sale that day.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Some Kind Of Medical Breakthrough

Researchers say they have made a breakthrough in a pill for that, you know, disease where you can't remember anything? Doggone it! Scurvy?

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Disney Closes Ride

Walt Disney World in Florida has announced that they have closed down their Somali Pirates of the Gulf of Eden.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Pelosi's Revenge

After last Saturday nights vote on the health care program and all republicans voting no, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has taken away their bathroom privileges.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Probably Overbalanced

The Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum told the New York times today that they're having trouble keeping their statue of John Kerry's head staying on.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"Amy Prefers Plain"

Former President Jimmy Carter is putting out a his own line of peanut butter called, "Carter's Own". It comes in smooth or grouchy.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Congress Cancels H1N1 Vaccinations

The Democratic controlled Congress suspends H1N1 vaccinations for members, over Republican objections. A received report from the NIH claims the H1N1 virus causes legislators to turn into liberals.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 November 2009
Rating:

A Bum Steer

Animal rights groups at a convention agreed to a program of putting condoms on bulls to destroy the cattle industry. All members were urged to participate. However, diaphragms were voted down!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 November 2009
Rating:

"Elvis Twin In Casket!"

The National Enquirer, which has gained more credibility with the Edwards Affair exposure, has now exposed a bogus "Elvis Still Alive" story they themselves published in 1980!

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Sold Out

Pro-Choice house members (women) railed at the Stupak Amendment on the house floor. Then they sold out their principles to House Speaker Pelosi, when the final vote occurred. There's a word for that!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Possession Is Nine/Tenths

A Los Angeles policeman who is possessed by both Perry Mason & Hamilton Berger saves city thousands of dollars by doing bad cop/good cop routine, with a quick change of uniforms all by himself.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Lights Out

Rio had a power failure and the lights went out, with ramifications for the 2016 Olympics. Not to worry, the lights wouldn't dare go out in Chicago. Oops I forgot about "Cap and Trade" legislation!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Don't Bug Me!

After being bugged by animal rights groups, the EPA puts Cockroaches on the endangered species list. Pest control companies retaliate by dropping off 1.5 million of these critters at EPA headquarters.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Church of Environmental Junk Science Splinters

CFL faction vs no Mercury faction; save the birds faction vs green energy windmill faction; and organic crops faction vs carbon footprint faction. Then there is the just plain crazy faction!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 12 November 2009
Rating:

No U.S. Torture

Barack Obama has officially banned any form of torture in the U.S. He is now forming a committee to oversee the "No Torture In The United States" ban & a new Czar of No Torture In The U.S. Overseer.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

After "Rollerskating In A Buffalo Herd"

Stuntman David Blaine, on this morning's "Good Morning America", announced his plans to attempt to go swimming in a watermelon patch on the Roger Miller Farm in Tennessee.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
Rating:

Magician To Suddenly Appear

A local magician in Lincoln, Nebraska has been summoned to suddenly appear in court on December 8th, 2009 to explain where the petty cash disappeared to at work.

written by Bureau, 12 November 2009
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